Today was a horrible day for me. Got the sort of news one never wants to hear, but one of my best friend's mother passed away and for me it was the shocker of the century. I still refuse to believe it, because it just doesn't make any sense. I dont know what to do for my friend as I have personally never dealt with such a death of this magnitude. I knew his mother reasonably well, so it makes me feel so bad right now too. Any thoughts as to what is a good way of supporting him? Any input is deeply appreciated.
Coping with loss...
- Thread starter the_big_E
- Start date
Just letting him know that you are there and you feel the loss as well means alot to anyone in that situation. I wouldn't say be overly nice to him, but try and do everything that will ensure no friction and a smooth next few months. Bring it up only if he brings it up, but also don't avoid it if he gets to depressed. Talking about it and remembering the dead are sometimes the best way to forget them. Time is also the best remedy for this. But just let him know you cared as well, and just be a good friend to him. Everything else should take care of itself. Sorry to hear about this though buddy...
Jost be there for your friend
any offers oh help, follow thru with.
Maybe sho up some night with a bottle of wine and 2 glasses.
any offers oh help, follow thru with.
Maybe sho up some night with a bottle of wine and 2 glasses.
I am sorry for your loss, it's never easy.
I have lost both my parents.
I can't find the words to describe what that is like.
I have lost both my parents.
I can't find the words to describe what that is like.
As far as what to do, here's my advice.
1. Go to the visitation, go to the funeral. (I have never forgiven a close friend of mine who was too busy to come to my father's funeral.)
2. Don't offer any silly opinions like, "at least she's not suffering anymore", or "she's in a better place", or "you will feel better in a while", or "if you think that's bad, my so and so stories" (That sort of shit drove me crazy.)
3. Avoid getting drunk, only makes it worse.
4. Listen more than you speak.
5. Tell your friend to bring some photo albums to the funeral parlour. Better times.
6. Keep in mind, in about 2 weeks time, it will be far far far worse for him than it is now. I know that's hard to believe, but once the hoopla has died down, your thoughts are like a freight train. Call your friend up then and spend some time with him then too.
7. Read your friend. If he's feeling really depressed, don't try to joke around him. That drove me crazy. Everyone is different though. I couldn't handle people laughing and kibitzing at the funeral. Everyone is different however, I agree. Which is why I say, read your friend.
8. As weird and unbelievable as this may seem, in both cases when my parents died, the vultures descend. You might be amazed (I was) how they come out of the woodwork asking you if they can some of the deceased's belongings. I had one uncle, one cousin's wife do this. Fuck that. Tell your friend not do anything right now other than funeral. Don't promise anyone anything, don't start figuring on estates, don't start going through stuff.
1. Go to the visitation, go to the funeral. (I have never forgiven a close friend of mine who was too busy to come to my father's funeral.)
2. Don't offer any silly opinions like, "at least she's not suffering anymore", or "she's in a better place", or "you will feel better in a while", or "if you think that's bad, my so and so stories" (That sort of shit drove me crazy.)
3. Avoid getting drunk, only makes it worse.
4. Listen more than you speak.
5. Tell your friend to bring some photo albums to the funeral parlour. Better times.
6. Keep in mind, in about 2 weeks time, it will be far far far worse for him than it is now. I know that's hard to believe, but once the hoopla has died down, your thoughts are like a freight train. Call your friend up then and spend some time with him then too.
7. Read your friend. If he's feeling really depressed, don't try to joke around him. That drove me crazy. Everyone is different though. I couldn't handle people laughing and kibitzing at the funeral. Everyone is different however, I agree. Which is why I say, read your friend.
8. As weird and unbelievable as this may seem, in both cases when my parents died, the vultures descend. You might be amazed (I was) how they come out of the woodwork asking you if they can some of the deceased's belongings. I had one uncle, one cousin's wife do this. Fuck that. Tell your friend not do anything right now other than funeral. Don't promise anyone anything, don't start figuring on estates, don't start going through stuff.
Thanks for your varied input. Astonishingly enough, I'd have to say he's reacted very well, still seems himself, yet a little subdued. Although as it has been noted, the next couple of weeks will be a tough time for all involved...
What someone said up thread is right, everyone is offering support now and in a few weeks they will disappear. As a friend rather than family you don't have a big part to play here, all you can do is make it clear that you are around if you're needed.
I think the best thing you could do is, in a week or two, after everyone else has gone and once life is supposedly normal again (but isn't really), spend some extra energy on your friend. Be available more often to go out and do stuff together--whatever kind of thing you normally do. Just be a better friend for awhile.
I think the best thing you could do is, in a week or two, after everyone else has gone and once life is supposedly normal again (but isn't really), spend some extra energy on your friend. Be available more often to go out and do stuff together--whatever kind of thing you normally do. Just be a better friend for awhile.
Many years ago. My buddy's mom past away. I didn't know what to do. It was my 1st time in our immediate circle. A whole batch of emotion. Elders were superstitious about death being bad luck and all. Told me to stay away. What a mistake!
Good thing others stepped up. My buddy forgave me for not being there.
Good thing others stepped up. My buddy forgave me for not being there.
