Dating advice from Dan Savage

[genintoronto]

From Dan Savage's column in The Stranger:

I'm a 32-year-old, very attractive, very fit SWM living in NYC. I'm well-read and well-spoken. I march to the beat of my own drum. Friends tell me that my personality is intense. I'm extremely idealistic, and I count myself as a romantic. I'm interested in an intense and consuming love affair with a woman. But friends tell me that my approach to courtship scares women off. I'm tired of fouling things up and making myself lonely. Yet, when a lady friend of mine suggested I spend a night out with her where she would act as my wingman, I recoiled. Prowling for random women in a bar doesn't fit my sense of romance.

Should I consider counseling to try to tame my personality?

Wild Horses Drag Me Away

DS: It would help to know, WHDMA, what exactly you're doing—besides being all intensely romantic and extremely idealistic and physically fit and stuff—that scares women off. Without that info, it's difficult to advise you.

But I can do a little decoding for you: When friends say "your personality is intense," what they typically mean is "you are an asshole."

Assholes who have friends sometimes conclude that there must be something wrong with all the women and/or men on the planet because, hey, I've got friends—and if my friends can stand me, why couldn't my ex-girlfriend(s)? But friending, if I may borrow Facebook's proprietary verb, an asshole is easy; dating an asshole is hard. (Or that's what my boyfriend tells me, anyway.)

A friendship involves a smaller time commitment; a girlfriend is required to spend much more time with you. Not only that, WHDMA, but a person with an asshole friend is regarded as perhaps too tolerant, while a person with an asshole boyfriend is viewed as having a character flaw. Or several: lousy taste, the wrong kind of masochistic streak, low self-esteem, etc.

So, yeah, you should consider counseling to "tame your personality." Your alleged virtues—extremely intense! Extremely romantic! Extremely idealistic!—may not themselves be the problem. But if the people living outside your skull have identified them as impediments to your professed romantic goals, WHDMA, then there's something problematic about the way you're expressing them.

And that lady friend who offered to take you out and act as your wingman? I suspect she was trying to pull the stick out of your ass and trying to get you to see that dating—at least at the outset—is about pleasure, not intensity. I assure you that bars all over the civilized world are packed with "random women" as interested in intense and consuming love affairs as you are. Give fun a chance.

I wonder if he's short?

 

[hunter001]

very attractive

Translation: He is ugly but still he is full of himself.

I'm well-read and well-spoken.

Translation:He doesn't get out much

I march to the beat of my own drum.

Translation:He is close minded and doesn't value others opinion

Friends tell me that my personality is intense.

Translation:Asshole

I'm extremely idealistic

Translation:Hot head

I count myself as a romantic.

Translation:No one else does.
...

 

[Lou Siffer]

From Dan Savage's column in The Stranger:


I wonder if he's short?

Poking people with sticks for fun!

Always keeps me amused.

 

[genintoronto]

Poking people with sticks for fun!

Always keeps me amused.

I have no idea what you're talking about.

 

[LexingtonJeremy]

He's probably a nice, normal, decent looking guy. But that won't get you anything today, since women are ultra picky. Yes, even the fattest, most hideous ones won't settle.

I don't believe things were always this way either. I mean, women have always been naturally picky, but they never had as much freedom to choose as they do now. You older guys haven't experienced this phenomenon. In your generation, almost any guy could get at least one woman. And even younger women today have no clue what it's like on the other side. They don't care.

Things have changed. With women being all liberated and making their own money, they're free to bypass all the regular guys and only go for the select few alphas. Believe it or not, there are scores of guys like the one in the article out there that literally have no options.

 

[hunter001]

He's probably a nice, normal, decent looking guy. But that won't get you anything today, since women are ultra picky. Yes, even the fattest, most hideous ones won't settle.

I don't believe things were always this way either. I mean, women have always been naturally picky, but they never had as much freedom to choose as they do now. You older guys haven't experienced this phenomenon. And even younger women today have no clue what it's like on the other side. They don't care.

In generations past, almost any guy could get at least one woman. Not so anymore. With women being all liberated and making their own money, they're free to bypass all the regular guys and only go for the select few alphas. Believe it or not, there are scores of guys like the on in the article out there that literally have no options.

lol. My bet is you could get laid back it the day either...

 

[LexingtonJeremy]

lol. My bet is you could get laid back it the day either...

If you're such a Casanova and it's soooo easy, what the hell are you even doing on this sight in the first place?

 

[hunter001]

If you're such a Casanova and it's soooo easy, what the hell are you even doing on this sight in the first place?

I wasn't talking about me... lol I am not whining about how hard it is to get laid, that women have there own mind now, or that they can make their own money...



To answer your question, I am mostly on the site (not sight) for my own amusement.

 

[genintoronto]

Things have changed. With women being all liberated and making their own money, they're free to bypass all the regular guys and only go for the select few alphas. Believe it or not, there are scores of guys like the on in the article out there that literally have no options.

Ahhhhh... the good ol' days when women had no other options than settle for the first somewhat decent guy coming their way, marry him, and become his unpaid maid/cook/baby-factory/nanny to assure her survival.

Now, all that education and rights we gave them is getting to their head, and they think it's OK for them to have preferences and standards in who they fuck/date. Geez.

 

[CapitalGuy]

Jeremy, some terbites are here for fun and variety, not out of desperation. Believe it or not, guys who can get laid, married guys, guys with live in girlfriends, sometimes like to get laid by someone different. Or just want quick meaningless fun with a lovely lady, no strings afterwards. Welcome to Terb.

 

[CapitalGuy]

Ahhhhh... the good ol' days when women had no other options than settle for the first somewhat decent guy coming their way, marry him, and become his unpaid maid/cook/baby-factory/nanny to assure her survival.

Now, all that education and rights we gave them is getting to their head, and they think it's OK for them to have preferences and standards in who they fuck/date. Geez.

Sigh. If only the Taliban ran Canada, think how great a guy's life would be.

 

[LexingtonJeremy]

I wasn't talking about me... lol I am not whining about how hard it is to get laid, that women have there own mind now, or that they can make their own money...



To answer your question, I am mostly on the site (not sight) for my own amusement.

I'm not whining. I'm actually quite content with the way my life is going right now, thanks to some ingenuity on my part.

If I played on a soccer team and the opponent was given 5 points before the game even started, you're damn right I'd say something. That wouldn't be right and whoever's responsible would be called out, as they should be. And then there are those little pipe cleaners with abysmally low testosterone levels like you who tell me to "just go along with it. Just keep playing." Screw that. I’m going to say what’s on my mind, and then I’m going to go find a new game that works in my favour.

 

[LexingtonJeremy]

Ahhhhh... the good ol' days when women had no other options than settle for the first somewhat decent guy coming their way, marry him, and become his unpaid maid/cook/baby-factory/nanny to assure her survival.

Now, all that education and rights we gave them is getting to their head, and they think it's OK for them to have preferences and standards in who they fuck/date. Geez.

I'm not saying how I think things should or shouldn't be. I'm simply stating how they are. And if that offends you, little miss muffet, well boohoo. Unlike most people, I'm not interested in pretty lies or what sounds good. All I care about knowing the pure, unadulterated truth so that I can figure out how to get what I want.

 

[hunter001]

Ahhhhh... the good ol' days when women had no other options than settle for the first somewhat decent guy coming their way, marry him, and become his unpaid maid/cook/baby-factory/nanny to assure her survival.

Now, all that education and rights we gave them is getting to their head, and they think it's OK for them to have preferences and standards in who they fuck/date. Geez.

.

 

[genintoronto]

I'm not saying how I think things should or shouldn't be. I'm simply stating how they are. And if that offends you, well boohoo. Unlike most people, I'm not interested in pretty lies or what feels good. All I care about knowing the truth so I can get what I want.

Oh don't worry. If I couldn't deal with a a good dose of mysogyny, I would have long left this board.

I'm also not interested in pretty lies and I also call bullshit when I smell it. That's why I not-so-subtly called mysogynist bullshit on your post. If you're offended, boohoo.

 

[Inferno]

I'm not whining. I'm actually quite content with the way my life is going right now, thanks to some ingenuity on my part.

If I played on a soccer team and the opponent was given 5 points before the game even started, you're damn right I'd say something. That wouldn't be right and whoever's responsible would be called out, as they should be. And then there are those little pipe cleaners with abysmally low testosterone levels like you who tell me to "just go along with it. Just keep playing." Screw that. I’m going to say what’s on my mind, and then I’m going to go find a new game that works in my favour.

Yeah, but who are you going to complain to? Your creator?

And what kind of new game would work in your favour? The T-boy route?

Sorry, but the rules are the rules and we all play according to the same set. Beyond that, I really can't understand the soccer analogy...

 

[hunter001]

The T-boy route?

I think it is tboy... T-boy is somebody else. To quote one of tboy favorite shows "I reject your reality and substitute my own."

 

[train]

From Dan Savage's column in The Stranger:


I wonder if he's short?

Nothing worse than a short asshole eh?

 

[Carrie Moon]

Love Dan Savage.. thanks for sharing Gen.

 

[Lord Byron]

From Dan Savage's column in The Stranger:


I wonder if he's short?

Actually, no. I think he would know if he is too short

like not knowing you are too fat

hard to fool yourself on those issues



Saw a survey where girls would rather date a poor tall man who had been in jail then a rich short one

What is up with such an attitude ?

We got no short leaders in business, politics , military , Hollywood except for humor, entertainment , announcers go down the list

no short writers ! WTF?

only short athlete is Cory Pavin (golfer) and jockeys

what an oppressed minority that gets no recognition for their plight

BTW, no I am not short