HOW TO START A FIGHT
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a
Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started....
________________________________
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
________________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
_______________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she
kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a
nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend... I understand he took to drinking right after
we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that
long?"
And then the fight started...
________________________________
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to
take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something
more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently
for a short time and then went into the house… was gone only a minute,
and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you
finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
________________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
________________________________
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and
Slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and
proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50
mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered
that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed..
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered,
"The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid
husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
________________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started.....
_______________________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security .
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my
age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and
come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and
she processed my Social Security application ..
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office...
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
_______________________________
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........
_________________________________________________
Farmer
A man is driving down a country road when he sees a sign, "Apples
$5.00 each." Intrigued to find out why an apple should cost that much,
he stops and asks the farmer why the apples are so expensive.
The farmer says, "These are special peanut butter and jelly apples.
Here, try one."
The man takes a bite and says, "Unbelievable; I taste the peanut
butter but not the jelly."
The farmer says, "Turn it around." He does and he savors a sweet jelly.
The farmer says, "I've got ham and cheese apples, too, but they're $10.00 each."
The man is excited, buys one, takes a bite and says, "Wow, these are
great but I taste the ham but not the cheese."
The farmer says, "Turn it around." He does, takes a bite and a rich,
creamy cheese taste fills his mouth.
The farmer says, "Now, if you really like those, I've got some very
special apples that cost $50.00 each. They're pussy apples."
The man cannot resist and buys one. He takes a bite and says, "YUCK,
these taste like shit!"
The farmer says, "Turn it around."
__________________________________________________________________
Senior Golf
Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every
day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home
looking downcast.
"That's it," he tells his
wife, "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad, once I've
hit the ball, I can't see where it went."
His wife sympathizes. As they sit down she says,
"Why don't you take my brother with
you, and give it one more try?"
"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother is a
hundred and three years old. He can't help."
"He may be a hundred and three," says the wife, "but
his eyesight is perfect."
So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course
with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing and
squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law,
"Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did," says the
brother-in-law, "I have perfect eyesight."
"Where did it go?" asks Arthur.
"I don't remember."
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a
Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started....
________________________________
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
________________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
_______________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she
kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a
nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend... I understand he took to drinking right after
we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that
long?"
And then the fight started...
________________________________
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to
take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something
more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently
for a short time and then went into the house… was gone only a minute,
and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you
finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
________________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
________________________________
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and
Slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and
proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50
mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered
that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed..
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered,
"The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid
husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
________________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started.....
_______________________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security .
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my
age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and
come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and
she processed my Social Security application ..
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office...
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
_______________________________
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........
_________________________________________________
Farmer
A man is driving down a country road when he sees a sign, "Apples
$5.00 each." Intrigued to find out why an apple should cost that much,
he stops and asks the farmer why the apples are so expensive.
The farmer says, "These are special peanut butter and jelly apples.
Here, try one."
The man takes a bite and says, "Unbelievable; I taste the peanut
butter but not the jelly."
The farmer says, "Turn it around." He does and he savors a sweet jelly.
The farmer says, "I've got ham and cheese apples, too, but they're $10.00 each."
The man is excited, buys one, takes a bite and says, "Wow, these are
great but I taste the ham but not the cheese."
The farmer says, "Turn it around." He does, takes a bite and a rich,
creamy cheese taste fills his mouth.
The farmer says, "Now, if you really like those, I've got some very
special apples that cost $50.00 each. They're pussy apples."
The man cannot resist and buys one. He takes a bite and says, "YUCK,
these taste like shit!"
The farmer says, "Turn it around."
__________________________________________________________________
Senior Golf
Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every
day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home
looking downcast.
"That's it," he tells his
wife, "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad, once I've
hit the ball, I can't see where it went."
His wife sympathizes. As they sit down she says,
"Why don't you take my brother with
you, and give it one more try?"
"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother is a
hundred and three years old. He can't help."
"He may be a hundred and three," says the wife, "but
his eyesight is perfect."
So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course
with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing and
squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law,
"Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did," says the
brother-in-law, "I have perfect eyesight."
"Where did it go?" asks Arthur.
"I don't remember."
