Post SP stress disorder

[fuji]

I have a friend who was an SP maybe six or seven years ago. I knew her back then, and was one of the only friends she had who know her double life. I am still one of the only people who know about both sides of her life. These days her life is totally different than it was back then. She has a normal career, normal friends, a steady relationship (with a guy who doesn't know) etc., and I hardly ever even remember that she was an SP once upon a time. We still talk sometimes mostly because I am the one who knows her whole story.

She is one of several ex-SP's that are actual friends of mine, but she is not coping with it as well as most of the others seem to be. Recently she confessed to me that she spends way too much of her time worrying that her past will come to light. She says she worries so much about it, it almost makes her sick, and sometimes she is so stressed out she wants to throw up.

She worries that someone from her past will recognize her one day and spread gossip about her. Her new friends, her co-workers might find out, wrecking her career and losing the trust of people who are important to her now, but who might not understand. She also worries that if this happens somehow it will get back to her boyfriend or her parents, who still don't know what she was up to way back then. She basically wants to forget that part of her life and move on.

In my opinion, she has become overly paranoid about it, and it is unhealthy. She draws the strangest connections, so and so who would know her story lives near this guy, who knows that guy, who is her good friend's friend, etc., she worries she should not meet too many new people, she worries when people put her picture on a blog or website, and so on. I have spent hours and hours telling her it's OK, etc.

I am wondering whether any other ex-SP's have this problem and how they cope with it, I would like to pass along some good advice, but I am really not good at giving this kind of advice so I don't know what to tell her other than "hey don't worry about it, it'll be fine".

I would recommend counselling to her (it's that bad) but she would be too afraid to tell a counsellor about it in case the counsellor leaked it out to other people. It's her Big Secret, etc., sometimes she even cuts off talking to me for awhile just because I know about that part of her life.

 

[PHNINE]

The only remedy is time. I am friends with several retired SP's and the past is always there to haunt them. Some days it is just an one moment thought, other days it is paranoia from wake up to sleep. This business has funny ways of effecting people and it is definately not to be taken lightly. The best advice you can offer her, is that this industry has been around forever. Women come and go, and the people in and around it change so frequently that it really is hard to keep track of who is or who was an SP at any given time in history. Of course, the risk of someone recognizing her will always be there and that is something she will just have to deal with. You as a friend must just keep reminding her that it is in fact in her past and that she has made the neccessary changes in her life to move on. Be there for her when she needs to talk about it, and make sure you never ever judge her. As I said, time is the only remedy. Support, kind words, and a shoulder to cry on are the best things you can offer aside from the cure of time. Every once in a while, I meet with my retired SP friends, and they dispell their woes and worries to me. I tell them that it is only the past and no one can change it. The future however, is what you have control over. Hope your friend feels better Fuji...

 

[JoyfulC]

The thing is, the only people from her past who can haunt her are people who are just as tainted as she is. She needs to learn to have the confidence to turn that back on them, and to never be ashamed of her time in the business.

Before I came to Canada, I dated a guy who loved the fact that I was an SP, but wanted to hide it from his friends, family and even co-workers. This made for an uncomfortable situation for me, as I soon became aware that his boss was my roommate's client. (It was a fairly small town.)

His boss had recently left a young wife for an old flame, and apparently he confided in this woman that he knew that I was a prostitute. (Not sure if he explained exactly how he knew this.) On the one hand, my boyfriend was pressing me to lie in social situations about my job -- and on the other, this jackass and his new girlfriend seemed to delight in every opportunity to put me on the spot. "Where is it you said you worked again, Christine????" "What is it that you do again?" And every time I lied, it only seemed to make them more eager to taunt me.

Finally, I'd had it. Tom and I'd had a big fight just before we showed up at a party, and I was in no mood. So when his boss and his skank appeared and started taunting me, I simply said, "Gee, you know what I do Rob -- same thing as my roommate. What do you see her for???" Well, they blanched. Whiter than white. A couple weeks later, at a weekend at Mosport, the two of them were taking it easy on the beers, and I learned that they were on a prescription for Flagyl. I strolled over and loudly asked if there was anything I should let my roommate Judy know.

Needless to say, I never had any trouble with them again. After that, they were only too eager to be pleasant and accommodating towards me in hopes I'd keep my mouth shut.

And that's how it usually is. People who find out something about an escort are usually just as guilty as she is. I've had escorts say to me, "but what if someone recognizes me from my photos?" (we're talking photos in which their faces are hidden). Myself, personally, if I were in their shoes, I'd encourage the would-be exposer to show me the photos, look and say, "damn! she does look a lot like me!!! .... but.... what exactly were you doing on this site?"

I've been in this business 30+ years, and I think both SPs and hobbyists have suffered more from what they imagine might happen than from what truly ever has. We're all in this together. There are no innocent parties here. If someone's hanging out on the escort sites, on the review sites, and seeing escorts, he can't claim he just happened by this information accidentally. Chances are, he has as much or more to lose as anyone else.

..c..

 

[Svend]

I think Joyful C. should hook up and just chat with her for a day, that would be better than any therapist.

 

[fuji]

I guess her fear is that by the time she finds out someone is talking about her behind her back, and confronts them, the damage will have been done. She is also scared of running into drivers, ex-drivers, and SPs/ex-SPs who might not really care if people know what they do. There are also some customers out there who don't have a big problem admitting what they did.

My basic message to her has been that if anything was likely to happen, it was far more likely to happen over the past seven years then in the future, that the people who do know probably aren't malicious, etc.

I guess the real question is not "why is this not a problem" because I think logically she accepts that the odds are low. However, emotionally, it is doing a number on her. I guess the real question is "how do other people cope" and "do other people have these problems" and such.

One thing she said to me was interesting. She said the further she gets from this industry, the scarier it gets, because back then her attitude was if someone found out, "sure that's me, so what" but the less and less it is who she is today, the more scared she is.

 

[JoyfulC]

Your friend -- and all of us -- need to see that either we control our emotions or our emotions will control us.

When I was in university, I took some course -- can't even remember what it was -- and the prof had us do an exercise: what is the worst thing that could happen to you? Imagine it happens. Then what? What's the worse thing that could happen if the worst happens? Then what? And if that happens, then what's the worst thing that can happen?

The point of the exercise was to help us grow past our immaturity and see that, even if worse came to worst, we'd deal with it. People have survived far worse than most of us fear. It's not usually external things that take a person down, but their own inability to face them dead on.

I can relate to your friend's growing horror the further she gets from the business. I've experienced a bit of that myself. When I was in college, I worked at an establishment in Ann Arbor called The Velvet Touch -- when I think back on it now, and think of the circumstances I was working under and the dangers I was exposed to on a day-to-day basis, it horrifies me. But... at the time, I was young and it was an adventure. Maybe some day it will be the same with skydiving. Maybe some day I'll think back on the close calls I've had and my blood will run cold -- but that's not how it is at the time.

I think we all experience this to some degree.

But if your friend is experiencing _shame_ then she should seek counselling. Shame is a harmful emotion, and we all experience it differently, for different reasons. For myself, I can't imagine feeling shame at being an SP, as long as I am a good SP and do my best by those who use my services. But not everyone is built that way. if your friend is feeling shame, then it may be that she is her own Inspecter Javert to her own Jean Valjean. Counseling could help her cope with this.

Best of luck to her!

..c..

 

[Vancouver Femme Fatale]

If People Can't Accept...

that other people have had more interesting lives than themselves, they aren't interesting enough for me to give a sweet goddamn about their opinions about me, the industry and pretty much any other damn thing I can imagine. Anyone who would judge me for what I do has told me far more about themselves than about me.

Live big, do not apologize; life is too short to waste it on the unimaginative.

 

[fuji]

that other people have had more interesting lives than themselves, they aren't interesting enough for me to give a sweet goddamn about their opinions about me, the industry and pretty much any other damn thing I can imagine. Anyone who would judge me for what I do has told me far more about themselves than about me.

Live big, do not apologize; life is too short to waste it on the unimaginative.

It'll be interesting to know whether you still feel that way once you are 8 years out of the business and have a bunch of good civilian friends, co-workers, customers, etc., that you care about or need to get along with who might not accept your past if they knew.

 

[Vancouver Femme Fatale]

It'll be interesting to know whether you still feel that way once you are 8 years out of the business and have a bunch of good civilian friends, co-workers, customers, etc., that you care about or need to get along with who might not accept your past if they knew.

If they have a problem with it they wouldn't have a snowball's chance of being any good friend, co-worker, or customer of mine. Honestly? I really don't care what other people think about me. If they don't like something about me, it's entirely their loss.

You create your own life with the choices you make about who your friends, co-workers, and customers are. I do not buy that shame and paranoia is a better choice than being who you are, and who you were. So you lose a few people. With 5 billion people on the planet, spending time with anybody who would judge you for something that, face it, is pretty damn trivial compared to genocide, child porn, cancer etc. etc. is idiotic. Drop them and move on.

And congratulate yourself for being adventuresome enough to be larger than life, in a line of women that extends back to antiquity. Believe me, when I'm in my walker, I want better stories than waxing rhapsodic over folding t-shirts at The Gap.

 

[fuji]

If they have a problem with it they wouldn't have a snowball's chance of being any good friend, co-worker, or customer of mine. Honestly? I really don't care what other people think about me. If they don't like something about me, it's entirely their loss.

Well, that attitude makes you as an outsider cut off from mainstream life and society. Unfortunately the vast majority of people who condemn this line of work are on the whole good, interesting, worthwhile people who simply happen to have a narrow view of this issue, as that is the way our society teaches people to think. Also, you may be able to limit yourself to just those few friends who can accept this work, but you really don't get to choose your customers, co-workers, and family, not without suffering serious personal setbacks.

I think the, "Hey fuck you it's who I am" is pretty much how she viewed it 8 years ago too, but people's views change as their life situation changes.

I suspect I'm getting these answers because people in the industry essentially don't face it, and the people who would know what she's going through don't read terb (anymore).


(*) So far as I know she is not personally ashamed of what she has done, doesn't see anything wrong with it still, it is the judgement of others and the potential personal disaster situations that keep her up at night.

 

[Vancouver Femme Fatale]

Well, that attitude makes you as an outsider cut off from mainstream life and society.

You say that like it's a bad thing. Seriously. I don't like mainstream life and society. Could be something to do with why I'm an SP in the first place.

Unfortunately the vast majority of people who condemn this line of work are on the whole good, interesting, worthwhile people who simply happen to have a narrow view of this issue, as that is the way our society teaches people to think.

I don't associate with people who can't or won't think for themselves.

but you really don't get to choose your customers, co-workers, and family, not without suffering serious personal setbacks.

I set my life up so I do. It's my life. Life is short. You either surround yourself with people you respect, and that respect you, or you give up, let yourself be surrounded by dumbasses and bitch that nobody understands you. It's not anybody else's job to understand you; either change who's around you or change your damn job. Start your own business. Move to a more progressive city. There's no more "serious social setback" than being made to feel needlessly ashamed of yourself and powerless.

I suspect I'm getting these answers because people in the industry essentially don't face it...

I suspect that you can't accept that I don't believe "good, interesting, worthwhile people" and "who simply happen to have a narrow view of this issue" belong in the same sentence. I also find it fairly patronizing that you characterize this as 'not facing the issue' rather than just accepting that someone else doesn't find the kind of people you value to be people they'd want to associate with.

If you didn't want to hear how other SPs look at this issue, why did you ask?

I don't mean to be harsh, but I also don't believe in adding in an extra paragraph's worth of "like me" wording especially in a post that's essentially saying "Wake up, and take control of your life". That's advice for everybody, not just ex-SPs. You don't have to accept half the shit people shovel your way...but they sure as hell have an invested interest in making sure you think you do.

 

[fuji]

You say that like it's a bad thing. Seriously. I don't like mainstream life and society. Could be something to do with why I'm an SP in the first place.

Could be. My friend is not planning to be an outcast though.

I don't associate with people who can't or won't think for themselves.

That's too narrow a view you have yourself. Many people who can and will think for themselves still have a narrow view on this issue and on some others. I am amazed if there aren't some people in your life who you care about that look down on this industry. I certainly have friends, family, co-workers to whom I would *never* admit that I visit SP's sometimes. They are wonderful people, but they would have a problem with this.

Start your own business. Move to a more progressive city.

Can you seriously tell me that there is NO-ONE in your life who doesn't know what you do, and who would be bothered by it if they did? Not your parents? Not some old highschool friend?

I mean in a way you are confirming her worst fear. Your response is that yes, if you do this job, you have to accept a life as an outcast, cut off from normal people, unable to do the sorts of things everybody else takes for granted.

"Move to another city", start another business, etc., is exactly what she is afraid of: That no matter where she goes or what she does, there's the risk that some dumbass will come and make her life miserable, and she'll have to move AGAIN, and start all over AGAIN. I guess that's her fear. In fairness, in seven years it has never happened, so it's more of a fear than a likelihood at this point.

 

[Vancouver Femme Fatale]

Can you seriously tell me that there is NO-ONE in your life who doesn't know what you do, and who would be bothered by it if they did? Not your parents? Not some old highschool friend?

That's only a problem to someone who gives a flying fuck that parents or an old highschool friend are bothered by it. I don't. I don't need other people to validate me. I just don't. Never have, never will. If that's what being an outcast is, well, more people should be one. I'll never view free-thinking and independence as a social handicap; but rather see those who feel that way as fearful people bullied by a society they themselves promote with their fearfulnesss.

Rather than questioning my honesty, perhaps you should question why it bothers you so much that I don't accept your values as the end-all and be-all determinants of social "acceptability". Maybe having had a near-death experience has changed me too much to value the stupid shit so many cling to. So be it. My life has meaning far beyond what some dink from highschool thinks.

I mean in a way you are confirming her worst fear. Your response is that yes, if you do this job, you have to accept a life as an outcast, cut off from normal people, unable to do the sorts of things everybody else takes for granted.

I'm sorry...my friends aren't "normal"? I can't do the sorts of things everybody else takes for granted? What do you know about my life? What can't I do? You better tell me so I can stop doing it...it might be bothering the "normal" people who are so damn threatened by...what? Someone not buying every word they're selling? Holy crap...why do you think you need to take these idiotic 'rules' at face value? Life isn't handed to you in a tidy little sack; you need to question it all the time.

Not much more I can say in this conversation with you. We are worlds apart in how we look at societal values. I do hope your friend works it out, and I admire that you're trying to help her. Good luck to you both.

Also...as you may have noticed, LOL, this is a pet topic of mine, so it's probably best to see it as directed at society in general than at Fuji

 

[fuji]

I can't do the sorts of things everybody else takes for granted?

According to you.

You'll have to quiz everyone you meet to find out whether or not they have a problem with some job you did eight years ago before letting them become good friends or whatever. You'll have to ask your potential future employers and co-workers whether they've got a problem with it before accepting a new job. Normal people never worry about this stuff: If they meet someone they like, they just hang out, become friends. They don't have big bad skeletons in the closet that may jump out and wreck everything, so things are pretty easy going.

Every time my friend meets a new person and gets along with her she starts to worry, "will she still be my friend if she ever found out?" and such.

If you don't do that tiring, annoying quizzing, you'll end up with someone in your life that you value and respect who might have a problem with it, perhaps despite (and it's common) being really open minded about a lot of other things. That's something you said you would never do. It'll be a lot of work, and pretty tiring after awhile, really to do that.

More likely you will do what my friend did, which is just not tell anyone, and then wind up worrying what will happen if they do find out--note, by now, you are deeply connected with these people, and so it will hurt. They aren't strangers or people you don't care about, unless you do want to do that tiring, stressful thing about quizzing them all on their attitudes before letting them be part of your life.

 

[Vancouver Femme Fatale]

You'll have to quiz everyone you meet to find out whether or not they have a problem with some job you did eight years ago before letting them become good friends or whatever.

No. I don't quiz anybody. I tell them as soon as "What do you do/what did you do?" comes up in conversation. If they don't like it, they go away, don't hire me, whatever.

Not difficult. Same thing happens to people all the time, on all kinds of controversial topics, like, say racism, abortion, capital punishment, religion, on and on and on. Everyone is constantly evaluating other people on how similar their views are to those they hold themselves, and how those views impact their potential friendship, employment, love relationship, etc. This certainly isn't some godawful torment only visited on ex-SPs.

Seriously. In a world of billions of people, I should put training wheels on my life so the imagination-stunted will "like me"?

They don't have big bad skeletons in the closet that may jump out and wreck everything, so things are pretty easy going.

Interesting, how certain you seem to be that being an ex-SP is a "big bad skeleton" that "wrecks everything". Are you an ex-SP? If not, why are you holding that reaction as the only possibility when I myself, as an SP right this very second can tell you that's not the case. Think about it. In your world, populated by the people you think are representative of apparently all people, being a current SP has got to be even more of a "big bad skeleton that wrecks everything" than being an ex-SP.

Hell, as an ex-SP, all I'd have to do is claim I found Jesus, or feminism or voted bloody Conservative, and now am a reformed shiny example of the redeeming power of _____or some such bullshit. I'm a poster child of "coming to my senses" and proving my allegience to whatever power these people think is the centre of the universe and preserver of 'right living'. But sucking dick for a living right now? I see panties in wads, tits in a twist, and tiny heads exploding.

People I know, and have told range from twenty to sixty +, are school teachers, librarians, web developers, artists, business owners, actors, doctors, hairdressers, psychologists, musicians, grad students, film directors, ESL teachers, etc. etc. to say nothing of the professions of every client I've ever seen in three years.

People go "huh". Then immediately want to know all about it. It's interesting to them. Real people who want to know more about something that they only know about through the media. Most of them are thrilled spitless; you forget that people are always looking to live vicariously through the adventures of others. That's why we have TV, and movies and music, all deeply embedded in 'society'. People love a good story.

Also, as the internet continues it relentless march into the weird, in a few years having been an escort will be pretty ho-hum. Look at porn stars; Jenna Jameson writing books, Traci Lords in mainstream films; a mainstream film "The Girl Next Door" all about falling in love with an ex-pornstar. Only a few years back, that would have only been film festival material.

http://www.melonfarmers.co.uk/arss2003.htm

My fear is that in trying to help this girl, you're actually isolating her further with your projections of what it's like out there. If that's true, I have to say that you're not helping her at all, especially when you repeatedly try to invalidate what an actual SP is saying about her experiences. Shall I go into the numerous book offers I've gotten? Can you not accept, even for a minute that far from being a negative thing, it could be neutral or even, God forbid, a positive thing?

What is it you want? SPs to say, "yeah, you're right, your life is ruined, go wallow in tears and fling yourself off a bridge"? How about you can't change what other people think, you can only change how much you care. Again, life is short. Get your priorities straight and just try to be a decent human being. If other people can't accept that as honourable, their priorities suck, and they don't deserve your friendship.