What's your divorce story? (or brother's/friend's, etc)

[wetnose]

Holy smokes, I just spent 3 hours with one of my buddies who's going through a divorce. It's really nasty because his business that he founded 8 years ago is complicated in the divorce.

He was in utter shreds and I tried to console him, but really what the hell can I do? As I sit here....I thank the stars I never experienced what he's going through...

Is marriage in Canada worth it?

 

[Aardvark154]

Holy smokes, I just spent 3 hours with one of my buddies who's going through a divorce. It's really nasty because his business that he founded 8 years ago is complicated in the divorce.

He was in utter shreds and I tried to console him, but really what the hell can I do? As I sit here....I thank the stars I never experienced what he's going through...

Is marriage in Canada worth it?

Well I'd like to think if I find the right woman it will be. Having gone through a divorce myself I know what your friend is going through. Emotionally a divorce is like the death of a family member or your best friend, one goes though the same stages of grieving and it takes a fair amount of time, for most people I’ve known at least a year and for many of us perhaps double that to really come out the other side. You can't rush it either it goes at it's own pace.

 

[babyfinsta]

is there any real way of protecting your assets in a divorce besides a pre-nup?

 

[nottyboi]

For men, getting married and having kids is a VERY risky proposition. Unless you are a skid or plan on a life on the fringes, you WILL get screwed. At some point the woman you love will realize she can have it all without having to put up with your shit or *uck you.

 

[a 1 player]

Been there, done that, still trying to get on my feet years later. She got the house, the car, the kids and VERY generous child support and alimony payments. At this point she is MUCH better off than I. Divorce is truly one of the most stressful and devastating things a man can go through.

 

[a 1 player]

People should try harder to stay together and not fool around. Marriage is suppose to be for life. Thats why divorce is painful.

I agree 100%. In my situation I was completely faithful. It was a situation of my wife wanting more than I could provide for her. She wished to be a stay at home mother, which I was cool with. She told me that she was unhappy with the house, the car, the number of trips we were taking. This caused me to spend more time at work to bring in the better income. Of course, she wanted me home as much as possible. I explained that either I work more 'to keep up with the Jonse's', I stay home more and we do with less, or she goes back to work to help bring in some income. Unfortunately, none of those options were good to her and I was given an ultimatum to increase my salary by 70K a year, and stay home evenings and weekends (what she thought we needed), or that the marriage was over.

so, here I am.

 

[papasmerf]

I agree 100%. In my situation I was completely faithful. It was a situation of my wife wanting more than I could provide for her. She wished to be a stay at home mother, which I was cool with. She told me that she was unhappy with the house, the car, the number of trips we were taking. This caused me to spend more time at work to bring in the better income. Of course, she wanted me home as much as possible. I explained that either I work more 'to keep up with the Jonse's', I stay home more and we do with less, or she goes back to work to help bring in some income. Unfortunately, none of those options were good to her and I was given an ultimatum to increase my salary by 70K a year, and stay home evenings and weekends (what she thought we needed), or that the marriage was over.

so, here I am.

Typical.

 

[Mikehorn]

I agree 100%. In my situation I was completely faithful. It was a situation of my wife wanting more than I could provide for her. She wished to be a stay at home mother, which I was cool with. She told me that she was unhappy with the house, the car, the number of trips we were taking. This caused me to spend more time at work to bring in the better income. Of course, she wanted me home as much as possible. I explained that either I work more 'to keep up with the Jonse's', I stay home more and we do with less, or she goes back to work to help bring in some income. Unfortunately, none of those options were good to her and I was given an ultimatum to increase my salary by 70K a year, and stay home evenings and weekends (what she thought we needed), or that the marriage was over.

so, here I am.

She didn't need a husband, she needed a genie.

 

[skypilot]

People should try harder to stay together and not fool around. Marriage is suppose to be for life. Thats why divorce is painful.

Pie in the sky thinking. In reality marriage is not for life, if you are considering getting married you can absolutely bet that it will end in divorce rather than last. Fooling around has little to do with it, its just a sign of the deterioration of the marriage, just like constant arguing.
Divorce is painful for men because the system favors women. The reality is that around wedding time men think with their brainless little heads. They may see what a bitch their woman is, but that pussy feels so good.
If you are a man getting married, expect to be fucked over.
I am of the belief that marriage should be made extremely difficult and divorce extremely easy.

 

[Aardvark154]

is there any real way of protecting your assets in a divorce besides a pre-nup?

Simple answer no. More complicated answer yes, but they are complex and not applicable to most people's situation.

If you have premarital assets that you want to protect it would be money well spent to consult a lawyer - perhaps even before you find the girl, just so you "know the terrain and the situation" since springing a prenup on your inamorata at the last minute is generally not the best of plans.

 

[a 1 player]

ah, but there is more to the story...

I was making what I thought was a decent income at the time, about $85K with OT, bonuses and incentives. We were living in a townhouse because I always thought it better to live below ones means and not have every penny tied up, you know, save for the future or a rainy day (whatever you want to call it). With the excellent markets of the 90's and some careful investments, I was able to increase my savings by about 40%/yr. It was an excellent run while it lasted. She had never saved in her life, thought money was to be spent NOW. We had countless discussions about this, where I agreed to lower the amount I was investing so we could do more 'fun' stuff. I thought dinner out 2x a week, lots of movies, a couple of vacations a year, rock concerts, theatre, weekends to Niagra was 'fun stuff'. Apparantly not.

The downfall (well at least one of them), was that I let her do the finances of the household, as she thought I was irresponsible with money. Hey, as long as the bills were paid and we had a little left over at the end of the month I was ok with that. I mean, one trusts their spouse right?

Well, the separation came. I found that we were about $80K in the red. Line of credit maxed, all credit cards maxed including the AmEx which had a $40K limit. During the separation of course, I had to give her half of everything, but I ended up giving her more (including the house), to keep her from moving to BC with the kids. (She had no family here). I WILL NOT LOSE MY KIDS!!! She of course could not afford to keep the house and had to sell and move into some place smaller, but before that was done all bills had to be paid off. Since the credit cards were in both of our names, I had to pay off my share as well. The only money I had available to do that was the RRSP's and investments (whatever was left of them) that I had. Needless to say, it was like putting a match to thousands of dollars to clear the debt.

Ok, so debt cleared. She then goes to court to have child support and alimony increased (cashing RRSP's goes on ones taxable income), so now I am paying child support and alimony on $60K more than I actually earned. That really fucked me over good. Here she is living in a house, while I can only afford a bachelor apartment making $80K+ per year. For me not to be homeless and be able to pay my bills, alimony and child support, I had to cash even more RRSP's to survive the following year. Again taxable income. I did see a judge about this and gave my side of the story. The judge ruled 'in what is the best interest of the children', and suggested I live in a rooming house as my income 'is what it is' and child support and alimony are based upon this income.

Now because I was living in a bachelor apartment, my ex decided to seek a lawyer (with the money I was paying her), to reduce visitation because the kids did not 'have a decent place to stay' when they were with me. Fortunately this did not work out, but it still cost me thousands in lawyer fees.

There is much more to the story than this, but that is my divorce story in a nutshell.

 

[Mikehorn]

The view on terb may be a little skewed though. I've had a number of married clients over the years, and none has ever gotten divorced except for one, and in that case the wife was a lawyer, the marriage was very short, and it was clear she was just looking to use the legal system to get a sperm donor/ATM rather than a husband.

 

[a 1 player]

The view on terb may be a little skewed though. I've had a number of married clients over the years, and none has ever gotten divorced except for one, and in that case the wife was a lawyer, the marriage was very short, and it was clear she was just looking to use the legal system to get a sperm donor/ATM rather than a husband.

Of course I am skewed, I ended up on the short side of the stick.

 

[Stoo]

is there any real way of protecting your assets in a divorce besides a pre-nup?

Nope. If it was acquired during the marriage, it's fair game. Even the increased value of the shares is up for grabs...

The only advice I can offer is to try to keep the thing civil. It's tough enough at the best of times, but there's no winners except the lawyers if the think gets nasty.

My ex and I settled our affairs in two meetings with a total legal bill of $3100.00, and I own two businesses. She was reasonable, and I tried to be fair. Best $750K I ever spent!

I'm sorry to hear about your friend... Let him know that Life After is actually pretty good!

a1, your situation sucks, and it isn't unusual. In my case, my kids were away at school (which I pay for of course..) Interestingly, after being divorced for 8 years, she has now just gone from part-time work to full-time. Her "excuse" for this was that her elderly Mom had to be taken to doctor appointments etc. I finally got through with her that that was fine, by why the f*ck was I paying for that! Her Mom is loaded...!

 

[freedom3]

the unmarried

I am 37 and never been married. I spend the $2,000 per month that I would be spending on support had I got married and inevitably divorced on escorts instead. A wise decision not the get married? The sex is definitely better.

 

[The Cunning Linguist]

I agree 100%. In my situation I was completely faithful. It was a situation of my wife wanting more than I could provide for her. She wished to be a stay at home mother, which I was cool with. She told me that she was unhappy with the house, the car, the number of trips we were taking. This caused me to spend more time at work to bring in the better income. Of course, she wanted me home as much as possible. I explained that either I work more 'to keep up with the Jonse's', I stay home more and we do with less, or she goes back to work to help bring in some income. Unfortunately, none of those options were good to her and I was given an ultimatum to increase my salary by 70K a year, and stay home evenings and weekends (what she thought we needed), or that the marriage was over.

so, here I am.

Can I say "C U Next Tuesday" on here?


I hope at least the sex was good...

 

[I try]

for life yes

People should try harder to stay together and not fool around. Marriage is suppose to be for life. Thats why divorce is painful.

BUt it will have a hell of a lot of rediculously rough rides, most can not weather it....
by the time it gets to divorce the pain is usually not too acute. It is the stuff that leads up to the divorce that causes so much pain.

 

[a 1 player]

BUt it will have a hell of a lot of rediculously rough rides, most can not weather it....
by the time it gets to divorce the pain is usually not too acute. It is the stuff that leads up to the divorce that causes so much pain.

Trust me, though the emotions may have cooled a bit by the time divorce comes, there can still be many years of 'pain' to ones bank account.

 

[Mr. Piggy]

I agree 100%. In my situation I was completely faithful. It was a situation of my wife wanting more than I could provide for her. She wished to be a stay at home mother, which I was cool with. She told me that she was unhappy with the house, the car, the number of trips we were taking. This caused me to spend more time at work to bring in the better income. Of course, she wanted me home as much as possible. I explained that either I work more 'to keep up with the Jonse's', I stay home more and we do with less, or she goes back to work to help bring in some income. Unfortunately, none of those options were good to her and I was given an ultimatum to increase my salary by 70K a year, and stay home evenings and weekends (what she thought we needed), or that the marriage was over.

so, here I am.

Sounds like you were married to the same bitch I was. We separated in 1999 and I left her the car so she would have transportation while I had to go buy one. Then she decided that she wanted alimony but only got it for 2 years. I prefer to call it lazy bitch support because she didn't work. The best part of the whole thing is, I got my life back and it is much better without her.
She has lived with 4 different guys since and her kids won't even go visit her because the one she's with now is apparently a real asshole. What goes around comes around.

 

[RTRD]

Ouch...

ah, but there is more to the story...

I was making what I thought was a decent income at the time, about $85K with OT, bonuses and incentives. We were living in a townhouse because I always thought it better to live below ones means and not have every penny tied up, you know, save for the future or a rainy day (whatever you want to call it). With the excellent markets of the 90's and some careful investments, I was able to increase my savings by about 40%/yr. It was an excellent run while it lasted. She had never saved in her life, thought money was to be spent NOW. We had countless discussions about this, where I agreed to lower the amount I was investing so we could do more 'fun' stuff. I thought dinner out 2x a week, lots of movies, a couple of vacations a year, rock concerts, theatre, weekends to Niagra was 'fun stuff'. Apparantly not.

The downfall (well at least one of them), was that I let her do the finances of the household, as she thought I was irresponsible with money. Hey, as long as the bills were paid and we had a little left over at the end of the month I was ok with that. I mean, one trusts their spouse right?

Well, the separation came. I found that we were about $80K in the red. Line of credit maxed, all credit cards maxed including the AmEx which had a $40K limit. During the separation of course, I had to give her half of everything, but I ended up giving her more (including the house), to keep her from moving to BC with the kids. (She had no family here). I WILL NOT LOSE MY KIDS!!! She of course could not afford to keep the house and had to sell and move into some place smaller, but before that was done all bills had to be paid off. Since the credit cards were in both of our names, I had to pay off my share as well. The only money I had available to do that was the RRSP's and investments (whatever was left of them) that I had. Needless to say, it was like putting a match to thousands of dollars to clear the debt.

Ok, so debt cleared. She then goes to court to have child support and alimony increased (cashing RRSP's goes on ones taxable income), so now I am paying child support and alimony on $60K more than I actually earned. That really fucked me over good. Here she is living in a house, while I can only afford a bachelor apartment making $80K+ per year. For me not to be homeless and be able to pay my bills, alimony and child support, I had to cash even more RRSP's to survive the following year. Again taxable income. I did see a judge about this and gave my side of the story. The judge ruled 'in what is the best interest of the children', and suggested I live in a rooming house as my income 'is what it is' and child support and alimony are based upon this income.

Now because I was living in a bachelor apartment, my ex decided to seek a lawyer (with the money I was paying her), to reduce visitation because the kids did not 'have a decent place to stay' when they were with me. Fortunately this did not work out, but it still cost me thousands in lawyer fees.

There is much more to the story than this, but that is my divorce story in a nutshell.

...man....that sucks. Big time.

So far, me and my ex are relatively civil...and the financial commitment is nothing I would consider unfair.

The other side of the coin is my GF, whose ex has been trying to shirk his financial responsibility for 3 years. He walks out the day after Christmas three years ago to take a gig overseas with his mistress, leaving her and the two kids with a house, private school tuition bills, and a car she cannot afford. And because he refuses to cooperate...at all...she can't sell any of the joint assets to make ends meet. After hiring a forensic accountant she has learned he is making about 500k/year...but is paying child support at a rate that is less than half of what he should be. and there has been no alimony, even though she was a stay at home mom for ten years. Now the oldest has left for university, adding to the financial burden...and her husband didn't pony up his share of the tuition until the kid guilt tripped him into it and literally drug him down to the bank...and since he has gone back of the country he has paid nothing towards any of the other expenses (books, fees, travel costs, etc.). He just sends that check every months...a check that doesn't even cover the cost of the mortgage and upkeep (utilities, etc.) for the house.

Mine you, nobody is missing any meals. And from the outside I am sure people must think it is nice to have a house in the beaches and drive around in a Lexus SUV.

But when you have to count pennies every month to cover the cost of those things, and you can't get rid of them because they aren't even in your name...it isn't as great as it looks. And her legal journey will be 3 years and counting come Christmas, with a trial date FINALLY set only a month ago...for 6 months from now.

I am just saying...not every guy gets hosed (I didn't) and not every ex wife makes out like a bandit (she hasn't).