Why Van Hagar Sucks !!!

[Handsome Rob]

I know there is a thread started on Van Hagar but this is different! This is the real reason why VAN HAGAR SUCKS!

It's the age old debate. But true Van Halen fans know why Van Hagar sucks. It's really pretty simple.

The real Van Halen was driven by pure creativity. Plain and simple. The creativity of one David Lee Roth and one Edward Van Halen. They made music not because they thought it would sell records, but because it sounded great. They didn't sit around with a bunch of PR guys trying to come up with a number one single that would get played on radio. Instead, they took chances. They didn't go with the grain, instead, they went against it. They didn't attempt to make music that they thought fit into the main stream. No, instead they tried to define it themselves. And that is why Van Halen gets better with time. It's like fine wine. But like the process of creating something great, it isn't done the easy way. Van Halen didn't make easy records. Eddie came up with riffs and Dave wrote lyrics and melodies. And they fought. And out of it came some of the best damn albums ever. The real Van Halen let the music do the talkin'.

Contrast that with Van Hagar. It's all driven by marketing. Because that is what Sammy is. First and foremost, he's a marketting guy. He's cut from the same cloth as the guy that tries to sell you shit to spray on your hair to hide your bald spot. And these bullshitters are so damn good at what they do, that EVERYONE, even if it is just for a moment, thinks that it just could possibly work. But the the truth is soon revealed, that it really doesn't, and you're left wondering how you ever were convinced it would.

And that's why Sammy is constantly contradicting himself every five minutes. Because most of what he says is just an attempt to sell you something. When he joined Van Halen he tried to sell us on the fact that Dave was the bad guy. It was good Dave was gone, Dave was bad. Of course then when he left Van Hagar, he was selling himself as the good guy. The guy on the fans side. He wasn't going to make a greatest hits record because it lacked integrety. Sure Sambo, sure. But of course, now he is all to ready to rejoin Van Hagar and make a greatest hits record, because he's the good guy. A saviour! Sure Sam sure.....whatever.

You just have to know, that the Van Hagar machine is sitting around "RIGHT NOW" trying to produce a couple of songs that will be totally forgettable in the long term, but that will sell a couple of million records in the short term. Not much different from the the guy from Flowbie or the guy from Ronco. Look!

Hey Spammy! When you go out on tour, just don't forget to pimp the finishing shield, that's a killer add on sale!

And like I said in the other Van Hagar thread, they will NOT be performing any songs written with David Lee Roth!

GREAT!!! because listening to Sammy's pathetic attempts at singing Van HALEN songs was the only thing more painful than listening to his Velveeta ballads.

So enjoy your entirely NON Van Halen show and just remember that 75% of that ticket price is going directly to the Bush Cheney campaign to destroy the fucking planet. But hey, as long as you can hear a 60 year old man sing the lines "I'd come over to your place but I'm afraid of your dad", all is sunshine and rainbow flags for the ChedHead cult.

 

[The Bandit]

From one Rob to another, go smoke one.....

 

[Handsome Rob]

From one Rob to another, go smoke one.....

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[DenWa]

Van Halen rocks - regardless of whether it's Sammy or Dave. In a world filled with Limp Bisket and 50 Cent, I'd say it's about fucking time.

DW

 

[Handsome Rob]

Van Halen rocks - regardless of whether it's Sammy or Dave. In a world filled with Limp Bisket and 50 Cent, I'd say it's about fucking time.

DW

Howard Stern called the cheese rocker at his house to confirm the rumors yesterday (see MarksFriggin.com) and what entailed was a very weird conversation in which Sammy detailed his alien abduction in 1968. What the fuck?!
Sammy told Howard that they downloaded his brain information and loaded it into his brain, that's why he is who he is.
We here at RothArmy.com think that they downloaded his brain, then forgot to upload that bitch.
Howard played a few old clips of Sammy trashing the brothers and saying he would never work with them again.
Ahh.. whatever.
Enough of that bullshit.

So.. what will the title of the new tour be?
Van Hagar Bore Tour 2004.. The Tour That Nobody Wanted.
The general public does not want Sammy Hagar to front that band.
Don't be fooled into thinking that this is Van Halen reuniting in any fashion.
It's not.
Who will line up to see a Capri shorts and sandal wearing singer front Van Halen on this tour?
Sure.. Van Hagar will have some moderate success.. but will it have the same success that it would have if Dave fronted the band?
No it will not.
Three weak... songs with lyrics that are so potent they couldn't compete with a warm glass of milk, and a tour with Hagar is what the Van Halen's are offering.
As a matter of fact the REAL Van Halen fans are violently opposed and are disgusted at what has become of a band encrusted with diamonds and with more testosterone than a race-horse that hadn't been laid in six months.

To quote my good friend, "Sammy Hagar returning to Van Halen is like poop... returning back into the butthole"!
Well I couldn't have said it better myself!

Shit.. let's hear it from Joe Rogan, host of Fear Factor and The Man Show.
"Van Halen has been dead for years.
They had a little hope when there was talk a few years ago about Roth joining them again, but once that died off, they were history for me.
Hagar joining them again just solidifies the shit soup they've become.
They had a perfect fucking combination for a few years, but then they pissed it all away. Thank god we have the old CD's."

Good one Joe.
His comments mirror the public disgust of what has become of Van Halen and the screwing of the fans.
Well I am not going to recap the last 20 years but let me sum it up for you.


Van Hagar...Bette and the Chirellas...Sham and the Horseshit Trio...call them what you will, but what they aren't is Van Halen.
Classic Van Halen was a band that had attitude, aggressive lyrics... Rock and Roll that can't be fucking denied. It was powerful. Van Hagar isn't the band that made you want to throw a TV out the window, pork your neighbors camel-toed wife, then shit on his porch. Van Hagar isn't the band that made you drive down the street at 25 MPH...slow enough so that everyone in the world could hear UNCHAINED blazing at decibel 200. Classic Van Halen was loaded with the shit that rots your teeth and makes you stay up past your bedtime.
What you have now is the "turn the tv on mute so the baby doesn't wake up, have tea and crumpets with your neighbor, and put your car on cruise at 25 so you don't get a ticket" pop band...
Welcome to the 2004...that's right, the coming thunder of the VANHAGAR Bore Tour 2004...where all the dipshits can take their girlfriends, their lighters and their wine coolers...and toast the true end of a rock band. Congrats Sham and Ed, The Dream IS Over...

to be continued...

 

[Handsome Rob]

Van Halen rocks - regardless of whether it's Sammy or Dave. In a world filled with Limp Bisket and 50 Cent, I'd say it's about fucking time.

DW

continued...


Some may ask.. well what is the beef that you have with Hagar.
Sammy Hagar has taken every opportunity to take shots at Dave.. verbally.. of course since 1985. And that's all fine and good, we can except whining...but is there any better way to judge what is better? Obviously FatAss knows Roth's version was better, or he'd have shut his pie hole years ago. Here the guy was given the keys to the greatest rock band of all time. And what did he do? He
turned a Corvette into an Omni and he turned Eddie from a rock god into a rock joke. Some call it Van Halen reinventing themselves. Anyone who knows music calls it Van Halen ending in 1985.

I am sick of hearing this fat, old (did I mention that guy is 57 years old, that's right, barely younger than Jim Morrison, who died in 1972 and is still more current than that old fuck) and jealous no talent run his mouth about David Lee Roth.
The smack talk by Hagar culminated to a head on the Roth/Hagar tour in which Sammy took every opportunity to slam Dave that he could. After all, the guy couldn't perform onstage better than Dave, so why not blow some smoke to the press?! With all of this said, the icing on the preverbial cake is FatAsses' constant rambling about how his version of VanHagar has outsold Classic Van Halen by millions. Dude, get your head out of the fucking pork rinds long enough to teach yourself how to count. The sad thing...it's every, single interview.
Sam, you need to thank Dave bro, because without him leaving in 1985, you'd be sitting on some cruise ship somewhere in the Great Lakes, singing Copa Cabana to a bunch of 70 year old lesbians...

It has also been said that Sammy won't be singing any Roth songs on the tour, which is good news for Roth fans. Did anyone here actually like hearing Sammy sing "I got my ass against the record machine". Let me answer that with a resounding "FUCK NO"!!
So there you have it. That is our stance "VAN HAGAR CAN EAT OUR ASSES"
The line has been drawn in the sand.
If you want to know where we will be this summer, it sure as fuck won't be the Van Hagar tour. Our summer will be spent tanning the applesacks and hopefully seeing Dave in as many live performances as can can financially muster.

For those that don't agree, I don't give a fuck.
If you are a Sammy Hagar fan that was offended by this post, then please go back to your Hagar website (pick up some shampoo, stickers or whatever else Hagar is whoring while you are there).
It is much better suited for your small brain.. and even smaller penis.

In parting I will leave you with a poignant and true quote by none other than the Commander in Chief of Rock 'n Roll, David Lee Roth.

There are a lot of people who make a living off of my name. The only interesting thing about Van Halen, after the music stops, is me.
It's not that I do so much, it's that they do so goddamn little! - DLR 1997!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Handsome Rob]

Huh?

DLR fans remind me of Mike Tyson fans. It's over. Give it up. Roth is nothing without Van Halen and bringing him back from the dead won't really help him or Van Halen. Who wants to see a 50 year adolescent who can't sing, hobbling around in spandex?

rrrrrrrrrrright! So once again I remind you, enjoy your entirely NON Van Halen show and just remember that 75% of that ticket price is going directly to the Bush Cheney campaign to destroy the fucking planet. But hey, as long as you can hear a 60 year old man/b] sing the lines "I'd come over to your place but I'm afraid of your dad", all is sunshine and rainbow flags for the ChedHead cult.

Dude, VH was bigger than individual personalities. The merger of two larger than life entities resulted in music and attitude that is still broadcast on radio and television stations across the world. Do you realize how rare that is??? You've got only a few. Zep, Skynrd, the Beatles, Who, and Stones. That's about it. There's some in the middle like Credence, Eric Burton, the Kinks, and the Moody Blues (only to name a few mind you...), but the leaders are few and far between. Van Halen with Dave is amongst that group. People who changed the way the ENTIRE FUCKING WORLD looked at music. This is where the passion for Dave (and Eddie) eminates from. This is why there is such disappointment with Sammy and Cherone. Those two bring the band down into the category of "the rest"...

 

[Handsome Rob]

I'm not disputing that VH was a great band with DLR but that was 20 years ago. Different time, different people. They're not 20 something's anymore. Yeah it was magic back then but you think you put put them together and bam! magic again? It ain't gonna happen. VH did fine with Hagar. Maybe not as well as with Roth but better than if Roth stayed with them. They were moving beyond Dave's shtick. Right Now was a great song and a great song for the band.

Btw I wouldn't see VH no matter who there singer is. I'd prefer to keep my hearing.

In that regard,

Even Roth's presence wouldn't be enough to pull a classic Van Halen reunion off.

Anthony might be up for it, but Eddie and Alex are all done. Seeing Dave front VH now would be a novelty that would wear off fast. Roth's band now is simply in better condition.

Sure, I was psyched in 1996 when it looked like a full-blown classic reunion would happen. But the last.....jesus, is it closing in on a decade?!.....time has not been good to the brothers at all. Ed just looks like he's dying. Plain and simple. Alex was playing in a neck brace last time I saw a picture of him in 1998.

About the one thing I can agree with Eddie on is that, by this point, classic Van Halen is best left to memory. The soap opera dramatics and guttersniping in the press has gone from interesting to boring. If there's no music involved, I could really give a shit how Roth, the Van Halens and Anthony are getting along (aborted 2000 reunion, Dave suing the band, Anthony being out of contact with Ed and Al.....all of it).

The music those four guys put out took balls and hunger to create. Ed, Al and Mike lost that edge a long time ago.

If those four want to get together and put out a live DVD of classic performances, I'll be first in line to buy it. But I'm gonna be skeptical about any new classic VH release, should it come to pass, until I hear it first. All of Dave's enthusiasm probably won't be enough to light a fire under the Van Halen's asses and goad them into putting out music with muscle and integrity. That's why I can buy all the Van Hagar reunion rumors. Sammy represents no challenge to Eddie. You can hear it in the music. Sam has always been a willing accomplice to Ed's laziness.

Keep rocking, Dave. Don't settle for second best when it comes to VH. If Ed and Al aren't up to snuff, better you bail then participate in a reunion sham for the easy money.

Oh, and you won't have to worry about you're hearing for this tour since NO ROTH tunes will be played, just the love ballads from the Van Hagar era.