would you tell your wife about your hobby?

[LeeHelm]

First I am not married.

But I cannot believe some of the responses in this thread. Don't vows mean anything to anyone anymore?

I have no problem whatsoever with an open relationship as long as both parties are agreeable to that type of relationship. But to start engaging in such an activity without the others knowledge is just wrong. And it isn't a question of morals. It is one of how you are treating someone you are supposed to love.

Then there is the problems of participating in the hobby. First there is the financial aspect. Then there is at least a chance you can bring a disease home the the one you are supposed to love. And now there is a chance of arrest.

If you want to screw around then fine. But either do it with the knowledge of your spouse or just don't be married.

 

[Celticman]

First I am not married.

But I cannot believe some of the responses in this thread. Don't vows mean anything to anyone anymore?

I have no problem whatsoever with an open relationship as long as both parties are agreeable to that type of relationship. But to start engaging in such an activity without the others knowledge is just wrong. And it isn't a question of morals. It is one of how you are treating someone you are supposed to love.

If you want to screw around then fine. But either do it with the knowledge of your spouse or just don't be married.

A guess on my part would be that most active hobbyists on Terb are married. 80%? As a single guy I do not allow myself a judgment on it. I am not in their shoes.

 

[stinkynuts]

I'm going to repeat what my Mom use to tell me "You can have sex without love, But you can't have love without sex" My opinion is relationships like this don't end up well, So my question is besides the financial ties, and children,
what other reason is there to stick around, unless they've become a Mother or Sister of sorts. Or, is it the memories, you can't cease to forget ??

That's a rather odd thing for your mother to be telling a son...

 

[pablice]

+1 and advice is flawed. You can not define or confine love. It transcends time, space, and dimesion. It is why we fall in love, love at first sight. There are also different types of love and all can be had without sex.

That's a rather odd thing for your mother to be telling a son...

 

[Titalian]

First I am not married.

But I cannot believe some of the responses in this thread. Don't vows mean anything to anyone anymore?

I have no problem whatsoever with an open relationship as long as both parties are agreeable to that type of relationship. But to start engaging in such an activity without the others knowledge is just wrong. And it isn't a question of morals. It is one of how you are treating someone you are supposed to love.

Then there is the problems of participating in the hobby. First there is the financial aspect. Then there is at least a chance you can bring a disease home the the one you are supposed to love. And now there is a chance of arrest.

If you want to screw around then fine. But either do it with the knowledge of your spouse or just don't be married.

Ok lets be realistic now, she refuses to have sex with you, I'm not sure, but isn't this one of the stipulations in the vows ? Correct me if I'm wrong !!!

 

[Titalian]

That's a rather odd thing for your mother to be telling a son...

Why ?? She was a very progressive woman, and stayed by my Fathers side, till the bitter end. Oh might I add, she was still relatively attractive when he passed and never PURSUED another relationship afterwards, even when it was offered.

 

[LeeHelm]

Ok lets be realistic now, she refuses to have sex with you, I'm not sure, but isn't this one of the stipulations in the vows ? Correct me if I'm wrong !!!

Then get a divorce or tell her what you plans are.

And I do not think sex is one of the vows. Regardless, what she does does not give you an excuse. Excuse is a rather poor word. It is more in the way of a violation against yourself as well as it is to her. I.E. it can really suck being dishonest and trying to hide something. Not an easy thing to live with.

 

[LeeHelm]

A guess on my part would be that most active hobbyists on Terb are married. 80%? As a single guy I do not allow myself a judgment on it. I am not in their shoes.

It isn't about being married, It is about trust. You can violate someone elses trust and not be married.

 

[pablice]

No it's not. It's just what you have been tought to beleive. This is not the real life and many who pursue this life fail miserably. Honesty is not they answer because we are all so flawed and far from perfect and in a constat state of flux. We all have deficiencies that we do not need to drag others in. We need to figure out how to deal with these deficiencies and give our loved ones what they need from us. Sometimes women can not or are not interested in sex becuse of physical, emotional, psychological disorders and why let this ruin your love. Just find another way to deal with it...like water, just go around the obstruction. Don't let the limits of others who failed affect your love for her.

Then get a divorce or tell her what you plans are.

And I do not think sex is one of the vows. Regardless, what she does does not give you an excuse. Excuse is a rather poor word. It is more in the way of a violation against yourself as well as it is to her. I.E. it can really suck being dishonest and trying to hide something. Not an easy thing to live with.

 

[Titalian]

Then get a divorce or tell her what you plans are.

No it's not. It's just what you have been tought to beleive. This is not the real life and many who pursue this life fail miserably. Honesty is not they answer because we are all so flawed and far from perfect and in a constat state of flux. We all have deficiencies that we do not need to drag others in. We need to figure out how to deal with these deficiencies and give our loved ones what they need from us. Sometimes women can not or are not interested in sex becuse of physical, emotional, psychological disorders and why let this ruin your love. Just find another way to deal with it...like water, just go around the obstruction. Don't let the limits of others who failed affect your love for her.

I agree with this one statement that LeeHelm says!! Paplice I disagree with you. You can't let this shit drag on. Unless of course she accepts what your doing !!

 

[pablice]

Only time will tell...it is very cruel but quite relieving to our own truth.

I agree with this one statement that LeeHelm says!! Paplice I disagree with you. You can't let this shit drag on. Unless of course she accepts what your doing !!

 

[strandedintoronto]

If you were married, do you think your wife would be ok if you told her about your hobby? What would happen to your marriage if you told her?

I am married, and we have an open-swinging-poly relationship. Thus she knows very well and encourages me. Our running joke is that I do this for research on my erotic writing...which, in a sense, it really is...

Now, my accountant, that's a different story...

 

[kmwq]

I suspect that the wife suspects, but I have decent opsec so she can't be sure. And she doesn't want to be sure, else I might start asking her for sex again, and that really would be the end of the world as far as she is concerned.

I'm in a similar situation, she doesn't want to know for certain but likes the fact that I've stopped asking for sex.

 

[kmwq]

I'm going to repeat what my Mom use to tell me "You can have sex without love, But you can't have love without sex" My opinion is relationships like this don't end up well, So my question is besides the financial ties, and children,
what other reason is there to stick around, unless they've become a Mother or Sister of sorts. Or, is it the memories, you can't cease to forget ??

Love without sex is totally possible! There are many types of relationships that are built on common interest and companionship that exist without sex. Sex sometime complicates the relationship unnecessarily and can ruins the relationship.

 

[Jasmine Raine]

Then get a divorce or tell her what you plans are.

And I do not think sex is one of the vows. Regardless, what she does does not give you an excuse. Excuse is a rather poor word. It is more in the way of a violation against yourself as well as it is to her. I.E. it can really suck being dishonest and trying to hide something. Not an easy thing to live with.

It should be. It is something that is very important. Quite often a woman can forget the importance of it. I feel because she is often thinking about everyone else in the family and their other needs, but sex should be apart of the "vows" so to speak.

I think that if either party is not able or does not want to provide sexually for their partner, then they should be willing to accept professional assistance. In this case, men seeking P4P arrangements via escorts, MPAs, porn/webcam, etc. Whatever happens to work for that person.

I think rules can be put in place to protect the family as a whole. For example, safe practices only, no in your face style tell all about encounters, a budget, no "bringing it home" meaning keep the sex out of the family home and even limiting repeat visits.

I will say that I believe it is important to exhaust all options within the marriage first of course. Quite often a woman will feel unappreciated, unattractive, unwanted sexually etc, Or tired and run down. These are things that can be resolved at times and therefore the sex life will pick back up.

I already admit I am an oddball in my thinking, so I can't really expect this to happen for married couples, therefore I will not judge the married men here for finding their needs met elsewhere.

 

[Perry Mason]

That said, I have been to swingers clubs with my SO and I have fucked other women and she has fucked other men and I LOVED IT. I mean, I FUCKING LOVED IT. In a typical night at a swinger's club, I would have intercourse with her, then another woman, then another woman after that. Likewise, she would have sex with at least as many men. I've seen other guy's cocks glide into her pussy with her feet in the air and it turned me on for months. Unfortunately, she seems to have gone cold on it and it has deeply hurt me sexually. (Some fucked up sense of puritan guilt about what a relationship should be about.) Up until then, I thought I had the perfect sex life. PERFECT. I had found nirvana. There as no need to hobby as we cheated on each other together and it was incredibly erotic. (She has no idea how disappointed I am.) She completely let me down and (ironically) she has driven me back into the hobby. Before, while swinging, I had completely given up the hobby. There was no need.

As I think I have said before, I am/have been in the same situation for many years.

What I can't understand (and I have asked many others to explain it to me!) is how a woman who came to love sex as much as I do could have "lost it" and "gone cold." So what was/am I supposed to do, put my libido in the freezer?

I say that when a woman is able but refuses sex to her spouse she is just as "guilty" of a breach of "faith" in the relationship as the man who finds it elsewhere.

The only problem for me has been that P4P never achieves the kind of intimacy and eroticism that I experienced with my wife... and I miss it very much; also, making love with a clock ticking is not erotic. And, for me, as soon as a condom goes on, my erection goes soft so intercourse is out of the question in P4P... :Cry:

So, yes she knows but I don't offer any details. If she wants to divorce because of it, then my conscience is clear and she can do whatever she wants.

Perry

 

[cdnsimon]

I know someone that has a very toxic view about women and his marriage.

His view toward his union (marriage) is that since he is the breadwinner he should be able to do what he likes and when he likes. This entitled perspective has severely harmed his marriage and family life with kids, and it is so entrenched in his perspective and outlook toward his marriage and his wife that even when he has been abusive toward her, he has rationalized it as being a just response to something she did. He has some failings as a father as he uses one or more of his kids as an excuse for his behaviour, among other things.

When he has been abusive and wants sex should his wife relent and let him take what he wants? Is he entitled to her body when he wants it, regardless of her opinions, because he is married to her and sex "should be" a part of marriage? Is he justified in seeking sex elsewhere if his advances are unmet at his home?

I do not believe that marriage automatically and always means that sex is a part of that union. It seems like it's often argued that if there is marriage there must be sex. When people get married there is almost certainly the expectation that it will be a sexual relationship, but holding steadfastly to the dogma where " marriage = sex " is problematic. In this case, would anyone argue that the husband should take freedoms with his wife's body, regardless of his actions/behaviour? Would he be justified in seeking outside female companionship to meet his sexual needs, without making attempts to fix his marriage? It appears that doing so would allow the man to continue to ignore the effects of his actions/behaviour and further ignore taking responsibility for his actions/behaviour. It appears that in parts of this thread, that it's argued that a man's sexual needs trumphs all other concerns, and that barring his sexual needs being met at home he is justified in seeking it elsewhere.

I believe that if your marriage is sexless, the issue isn't really about sex, it's probably another problem that results in no sex. Ignoring whatever role a man has in that problem won't produce intimacy in the marriage.

 

[LeeHelm]

It should be. It is something that is very important. Quite often a woman can forget the importance of it. I feel because she is often thinking about everyone else in the family and their other needs, but sex should be apart of the "vows" so to speak.

I think that if either party is not able or does not want to provide sexually for their partner, then they should be willing to accept professional assistance. In this case, men seeking P4P arrangements via escorts, MPAs, porn/webcam, etc. Whatever happens to work for that person.

I think rules can be put in place to protect the family as a whole. For example, safe practices only, no in your face style tell all about encounters, a budget, no "bringing it home" meaning keep the sex out of the family home and even limiting repeat visits.

I will say that I believe it is important to exhaust all options within the marriage first of course. Quite often a woman will feel unappreciated, unattractive, unwanted sexually etc, Or tired and run down. These are things that can be resolved at times and therefore the sex life will pick back up.

I already admit I am an oddball in my thinking, so I can't really expect this to happen for married couples, therefore I will not judge the married men here for finding their needs met elsewhere.

Like I said above. I have no problem with a couple that wants an open relationship. Not for me but I am not going to judge. But deceit is just plain wrong. Ask yourself how you would feel if someone that you loved and trusted betrayed you.

 

[theycallmebruce]

Love without sex is totally possible! There are many types of relationships that are built on common interest and companionship that exist without sex. Sex sometime complicates the relationship unnecessarily and can ruins the relationship.

This is nonsense. You are descridbing what your bro friends are for.

 

[LeeHelm]

Love without sex is totally possible! There are many types of relationships that are built on common interest and companionship that exist without sex. Sex sometime complicates the relationship unnecessarily and can ruins the relationship.

Agree 100%. Sex is just a benefit of a relationship not the building block. If sex is the reason you got married then you got married for the wrong reasons. The sex won't last long even in the best of sexual relationships. Age will take care of that and you can't stop it.

I think far less people would be married if they married for the right reasons.




There was a young couple that moved in next to me. She was really hot and at risk of my masculinity, he was a pretty great looking guy too. Both had been previously cheating on their respective spouses. It was pretty obvious why they were together. I always asked myself what would happen to them when someone better came along or one never found the other attractive. They both knew their histories. How could they ever trust one another?