Addiction help

[MelaniCarmelo]

Any tip/suggestion to get out of this addiction? Have a beautiful wife, young daughter and i know what i am gambling with. My family is everything for me and i am really feeling stressed and concerned about their health and safety. I really don't want to spoil my life for a 20 mins fun and really want to come out if this hobby. Any suggestions? Thank you.

When you get those urges do you ever think of ways to redirect that towards your wife? Or if the spark is gone have you guys talked about how to make it exciting again? Have you tried roleplay? Have her pretend to be an escort and after work show up to her "incall", pay her and you know the rest lol I'm not a guy so I don't know the perspective of having a wife and being on the hunt for more but if you've already tried talking to her about your physical desires and urges to be touched, ravaged and wanted... you've already tried to spice things up in the bedroom and you've already tried talking to her about what she needs from YOU in order to feel sexually charged for you more often... then my only other suggestions are couples counselling.

OR

I've even seen instances where some guys try to bypass this guilt of hiding this lifestyle by seeing if their wife is open to hiring an escort together but they had to gauge her interest slowly over time. If she agrees eventually then hubby gets to have his cake and eat it too! A couple I know in particular now hires me and/or someone else every year for their anniversary and sometimes for valentines day. The husband explained to the wife that hiring a professional is no drama, no strings attached, open, honest, upfront and more likely to have the best time because a professional would obviously know what they are doing. Now although this means they can't play as often as they would like, to them its a great compromise and something is better than nothing. Especially if you've been in the relationship for a long time. Great way to start the conversation is to mention how you had a fantasy or even a dream that your wife was making out with a woman and it turned you on so much. Then ask her how she feels about it or if it would be something SHE would enjoy too. Some women its a hard NO and so this route would never work but others are either readily open to it or can be warmed up to the idea over time.

In any case, I hope something from this helps you or gives you some ideas of what to do next. I wish you the best of luck!

 

[Climberx]

That's not how addiction works my friend! If people could just stop after being in so deep there would be no such thing as addiction and rehab would be non-existent! Addiction is both mental and physical torment and asking for help isn't a bad thing if you find you're genuinely having a hard time doing it alone. If a person feels they've tried everything then their desire to seek support, advice, tools and resources actually shows that they really are serious about stopping and working on ways to work through whatever it is that triggers such urges!

That's exactly why I suggested he tell his family to help him work through it. I never suggested he do anything alone, he just hasn't had to suffer the consequences of his decisions, whatever pain he holds is internal. Some people require getting caught before being "motivated" to make changes. Others are able to change their course, with family being a good support structure for many people.

 

[peeler_feeler]

Keeping & seeing only one escort while going into debt is not smart. A friend did something like this years ago and was about 20K in debt. He then went cold turkey until he cleared his debt. And in your situation with a family you won't be able to hide your debt forever. Just quit cold turkey and whenever the urge hits think of you family and then grab your wife and bang her instead.

LTO_3

$20K in debt for this hobby is really not a material amount especially if one has engaged for decades.

 

[LTO_3]

$20K in debt for this hobby is really not a material amount especially if one has engaged for decades.

That was 20k going into debt by borrowing money to see SPs in less than 2 years. That's a problem especially when he had other payments to make taking care of things at home. And thankfully he resolved that.

LTO_3

 

[lunaseraphim]

Yes, but if you're watching porn again, you're not spending money. I agree with you. The porn cycle will keep repeating itself.

You're not spending money, but your perception of sex and relationships remain distorted. I'm not against porn but I see how the mainstream porn industry affects people, and it's not good..

I think referring to this as a ''hobby'' isn't helping anyone here. Most of my clients are not sex addicts, but I have seen some who have addictive behavior around seeing escorts or are getting into it.. And honestly I felt like as an escort, I was just enabling them. I think it's worth exploring what is behind it. When you're addicted to sex you start dehumanizing others..

People get addictions because they don't have good coping mechanisms and there's a void to fill. You fill this void with other things, creative endeavors, hobbies, reading, nature, etc.. Volunteering and helping others is always good.

 

[OntarioHappyJohn]

I only got ahold of my addictions when I became so miserable with my status quo that not changing was simply no longer possible. It’s not that you have to hit “rock bottom” in every sense, but I think emotionally you do.

I think it may be hard for you to quit them because you already have a great life with a woman and children who love you.

Addiction is hard. You have to recognize your triggers and work through them.

Quitting anything is hard and sometimes people just switch out one addiction for another. Make your family or something you do with your family your addiction. Prioritize yourself and them. Sex is sex. Its not worth losing ANYTHING over. Definitely not worth losing a family you love.

My experience has been that quitting isn’t actually the hard part. The hard part is coming to the realization that your behaviours aren’t helping you.

 

[Sweetface09]

Hi Luna, I respectfully disagree with you. In my opinion, if you're going to have an addiction, porn is the best addiction to have. Reason being, it doesn't cost you any money.

Unless you're paying for content on OF or manyvids. I've even purchased content from local SPs and I'm sure many others do aswell

 

[lunaseraphim]

Hi Luna, I respectfully disagree with you. In my opinion, if you're going to have an addiction, porn is the best addiction to have. Reason being, it doesn't cost you any money.

I didn't say it was having the same impact on your life financially. Obviously financial problems are very serious. But honestly I think you should reflect on the fact that porn actors deserve to be compensated, and maybe you should ask yourself how watching the content you watch affects your mental and emotional well being.

Unless you're paying for content on OF or manyvids. I've even purchased content from local SPs and I'm sure many others do aswell

Honestly I think it's more ethical to pay for OF accounts and buy videos from providers. Online you can also find a lot of stuff that was stolen from cam girls for instance, and they are not being paid for it. Ok, maybe you are not getting in debt, but I think it reinforces this idea that we are all owed sexual services from women. I have 2 friends who were porn addicts and confided in me about it.. They told me that they felt a lot of shame, guilt, wasted their time when they could have been doing other things, etc.. Obviously you aren't throwing money down the drain but it's still an addiction that changes the way you see things, changes your brain chemistry and takes up a lot of time in your daily life that could be used otherwise.

 

[lunaseraphim]

Luna, I feel no guilt or shame whatsoever. For me the most important thing is to not get into debt, and to not waste money. I'm certainly not the only person, who goes on porn sites.

If I occasionally decide to see an SP or an MPA, then I'll feel ok to do it, because I'm paying with cash, and not going into credit card debt to see an SP or MPA etc

I think you're missing my point, I didn't imply you were feeling guilt or shame, or that you're the only person on earth to consume porn for free without ever considering that there is labor behind that content and that often creators & actors didn't consent to it being shared for free.. My point is that even if it feels like it's not a big deal, a porn addiction can still consume you and change the way you look at things.

 

[Climberx]

Have an addiction to seeing escorts? Whenever you feel the urge to see an escort, simply jerk off until orgasm. Chances are, your desire to see one will go fown immediately. Get into the habit of doing this whenever you have urge and watch your addiction melt away.

 

[OntarioHappyJohn]

I think my porn addiction is helping me, because it's helping me to save money. As opposed to having such addictions, as sports gambling, being a shopaholic, or being addicted to constantly seeing SP's, when you have to go into debt to maintain the "hobbying" lifestyle.

I’m certainly not suggesting you start a habit that costs you money, but there are more important things in life than money. Money is not the only peril of addiction. Porn addiction can affect you physically, mentally and your capability to interact with other people, specifically women.

 

[Climberx]

I’m certainly not suggesting you start a habit that costs you money, but there are more important things in life than money. Money is not the only peril of addiction. Porn addiction can affect you physically, mentally and your capability to interact with other people, specifically women.

The same can be said with escorts. You know how many people's first sexual experience was with an escort on this forum? Same with drinking, smoking, etc. We know these things damage our health but we do it anyways. It's not about choosing the lesser between two evils but taking responsibility. That's it. And from talking with some people on this forum IRL who's sexual experiences are limited to escorts, they are worlds away from knowing how to talk to a regular woman. It's quite sad.

 

[MelaniCarmelo]

That's exactly why I suggested he tell his family to help him work through it. I never suggested he do anything alone, he just hasn't had to suffer the consequences of his decisions, whatever pain he holds is internal. Some people require getting caught before being "motivated" to make changes. Others are able to change their course, with family being a good support structure for many people.

When you put it like that I can understand where you are coming from and your intention to tough love the situation. However the one thing I just can't agree with is saying, " Clearly your family isn't everything for you if you are coming here asking for advice. If it was, you would of stopped your addiction." So I stand by my statement when I say addiction doesn't work like that because telling your family can also be just as hard as the stopping itself because of shame, guilt and the addiction messing with your mind enough to try to convince yourself to do the opposite and come up with justifications as to why its not a good time or you're not ready, etc.. It's a difficult thing to control. Maybe coming out will help him, or maybe it will make it worse... who knows right? That's what makes it an addiction. Whether it's drugs, sex or food a person can't stop abusing, will power alone doesn't solve it unfortunately. So I get you're trying to help but also try to have some compassion, and an understanding that such a thing can be challenging for anyone who falls down an addiction rabbit hole. It's not as easy as you think sadly.

 

[Intrinsic]

Any tip/suggestion to get out of this addiction? Have a beautiful wife, young daughter and i know what i am gambling with. My family is everything for me and i am really feeling stressed and concerned about their health and safety. I really don't want to spoil my life for a 20 mins fun and really want to come out if this hobby. Any suggestions? Thank you.

The curious mind got the better of me and your four posts in the eight years you've been here are great. lol

 

[HungSowel]

If you have addictions, try your best to steer the addiction to a less harmful or positive direction.

If you are addicted to violence then maybe try to be a professional fighter. If you are addicted to gambling then maybe trade stocks. If you are addicted to alcohol maybe try weed instead. If you are addicted to coca cola maybe try coke zero, it tastes 70% as good without the calories. If you are addicted to SPs then maybe go for a happy ending massage.

I am an ex smoker, now I vape nicotine. I drink coke zero. I stick to the MP scene and just get happy endings.

 

[lunaseraphim]

If you have addictions, try your best to steer the addiction to a less harmful or positive direction.

If you are addicted to violence then maybe try to be a professional fighter. If you are addicted to gambling then maybe trade stocks. If you are addicted to alcohol maybe try weed instead. If you are addicted to coca cola maybe try coke zero, it tastes 70% as good without the calories. If you are addicted to SPs then maybe go for a happy ending massage.

I am an ex smoker, now I vape nicotine. I drink coke zero. I stick to the MP scene and just get happy endings.

In my experience and from what I've seen in people around me, harm reduction is very important. That can mean different things for sex addiction. Maybe seeing escorts less frequently. Maybe trying a different type of service, try to get to know the woman instead of getting to it right away. If you're addicted to watching porn, maybe try watching a different kind of porn, reduce frequency, pay for onlyfans accounts instead of compulsively looking for hardcore videos online..

Another thing that works very well is like I said developing completely different strategies to live a happier and more fulfilling life. Think of yourself as having a tool box.. if your only tool is sex addiction, nothing will change. If you start adding new tools before removing the addictive behaviors, you might feel compelled to use those tools instead of resorting to unhealthy compulsions. A lot of people mention exercise but it can also be learning new skills, doing creative things, going on walks, cooking a healthy meal for yourself, read a new book, etc develop new interests and hobbies ..

Because in my opinion seeing sex workers and reviewing them online is not a hobby, or at least not a healthy one. Sure it's pleasurable and can add positive things to people's lives, it can even be beneficial for some people's mental health, but it depends on your mindset and what you're looking for.

 

[lunaseraphim]

The same can be said with escorts. You know how many people's first sexual experience was with an escort on this forum? Same with drinking, smoking, etc. We know these things damage our health but we do it anyways. It's not about choosing the lesser between two evils but taking responsibility. That's it. And from talking with some people on this forum IRL who's sexual experiences are limited to escorts, they are worlds away from knowing how to talk to a regular woman. It's quite sad.

I'm an escort and quite proud of what I have to offer, but I agree that escorts are not replacements for genuine romantic & sexual relationships with women. I have had a few clients who were virgins. They were happy about the experience and thanked me, but they moved on to something else. I ultimately think it was for the best in their case. I also feel like most of the time I am doing something good for my clients.

But I find it concerning when I see that some clients have never had a relationship or sexual experience outside of escorts. Or when clients say that seeing escorts to them is better than being around civilian women and that they choose to no longer date because they'd rather just see escorts instead.. in short they prefer a fantasy to a real experience with a woman which is... Ok, fair enough? But I don't think it's healthy

 

[Climberx]

When you put it like that I can understand where you are coming from and your intention to tough love the situation. However the one thing I just can't agree with is saying, " Clearly your family isn't everything for you if you are coming here asking for advice. If it was, you would of stopped your addiction." So I stand by my statement when I say addiction doesn't work like that because telling your family can also be just as hard as the stopping itself because of shame, guilt and the addiction messing with your mind enough to try to convince yourself to do the opposite and come up with justifications as to why its not a good time or you're not ready, etc.. It's a difficult thing to control. Maybe coming out will help him, or maybe it will make it worse... who knows right? That's what makes it an addiction. Whether it's drugs, sex or food a person can't stop abusing, will power alone doesn't solve it unfortunately. So I get you're trying to help but also try to have some compassion, and an understanding that such a thing can be challenging for anyone who falls down an addiction rabbit hole. It's not as easy as you think sadly.

This is where life experience comes in. Any decision he makes won't be an easy one. If the shame of telling his family and the potential consequences are too much for him, he will need to live with those consequences. If he tells his family and they are the rock of support that gets him to overcome his "addiction", he will need to live with those consequences. If he goes to a therapist to see if they can help him, he will need to live with those consequences. If he chooses to do nothing and continue seeing escorts, he will need to live with those consequences. He's asking us to make a decision for him, instead of making a choice. He's free to make whatever choice he wants, but can't complain if things go sour. I don't think compassion is what he needs, he needs to take personal responsibility. For those of us who have seen loved ones or perhaps had personal experiences with addictions, it's not compassion that triggered the change. It's sounds "bad" or "hard" but it is what it is. So to the OP, I don't give a damn about what this addiction does to you. If your marriage fails, I don't care. If your child thinks you are a monster and never wants to see you again, I don't care. If you spend a ton of money on escorts, I don't care. Only you face the consequences of your decisions, not me or anyone on this board. Act wisely and, forgiveness sakes, take some responsibility.

 

[Phil C. McNasty]

Your opinion just doesn’t mean that much to me. Have a good one. The last word I know you need is all yours now

The irony here is you were the one having the last word in this debate

 

[Climberx]

I'm an escort and quite proud of what I have to offer, but I agree that escorts are not replacements for genuine romantic & sexual relationships with women. I have had a few clients who were virgins. They were happy about the experience and thanked me, but they moved on to something else. I ultimately think it was for the best in their case. I also feel like most of the time I am doing something good for my clients.

But I find it concerning when I see that some clients have never had a relationship or sexual experience outside of escorts. Or when clients say that seeing escorts to them is better than being around civilian women and that they choose to no longer date because they'd rather just see escorts instead.. in short they prefer a fantasy to a real experience with a woman which is... Ok, fair enough? But I don't think it's healthy

Yep, it's exactly this. Spot on. The problem is that some people have a VERY hard time separating sex with an escort with being in a committed and romantic relationship. It's this group of people that are most likely to get caught up in "addiction". For those of us that have been in deep and romantic relationships before, escorts, quite frankly, don't even come close to the feelings you get/feel being with another person you are in a loving relationship with. The people who haven't experienced this before think that being in a romantic relationship and seeing an escort are the same thing...but they don't even come close!