Are you married ?
- Thread starter lamwi
- Start date
I understand that you have no complaints if you have sex 3 or 4 times a week with her. Looks like most of us are having it less than once a week.jimmyt said:
Picking up on the threads
I find these threads to be fascinating, because I can relate to them and think about these issues quite often. I'm still in my first marriage, and have been for over 20 years. I hobby. I also have (and have had) a number of different kinds of "civilian" relationships, some as long term as 5 years. I'm also very busy in my work. My life is complicated beyond what most people could tolerate. I'll come back to this at the conclusion of my post, but first I want to respond to some of the ideas addressed by various posters.
Hobbying results from your wife "holding out" on you
In my case, there was a period of time when I was definitely getting less than I was asking for from my wife. However, over time, I got used to the idea that we have very different priorities. Then I made the decision that these differences were not enough to get divorced over (divorce is still the only legal form of suicide for men). Now, the tables have turned. I would say that I'm the one who's holding out on her (on those infrequent times she's in the mood). I'm just not wired to turn it on for her on those rare occasions she's looking for action. This part of our lives together is water under bridge for me. As a result, I would say that my hobbying is not because of my wife not putting out. I would say I'm no longer interested in having sex with her.
If she's holding out on you, she's getting it elsewhere
As I've said, I've had (and have) a number of relationships with other women, many of them married. Sometimes, the above assumption is true. However, some of my relationships are not sexual, but involve talking about what is wrong with our respective lives. What I've learned is this: some women do not view sex as all that important to them. Sometimes this is because they simply have many other higher priorites, and sometimes it's because they have never really enjoyed sex all that much, either because of their partners or because of issues they have about themselves which they've never dealt with. One of the women I'm involved with recently told me that most of the times she's had sex in her life was because she felt pressured to do it, and she never enjoyed any of those times. This woman is clearly not looking for an extramarital relationship in order to have sex. So, my conclusion is that if your wife is holding out on you, it's just as likely that she has an incredibly low sex drive as it is that's she's getting her sexual needs fulfilled elsewhere.
If marriage is so bad, then staying single must be the answer
As tempting as it would be to agree with this, I don't think this is the answer. Being single has it's own downsides, the biggest of which is that it's difficult to get into a satisfying relationship with a woman who isn't thinking to herself "So, when are we going to get married?". I've encountered this, unfortunately, in every significant relationship I've had with a single woman. Being single can be fun at times, but don't underestimate the periods of loneliness and the pressure you can feel to marry.
Sex is the most important aspect of a lasting marriage
As I've stated above, I've already accepted otherwise. Not because in theory, this isn't true, but because in reality it's nearly impossible to make this happen. Most people marry before they have enough experience to even know what they really want in a partner. Add to that problem the fact that your prospective partner may be "acting" to some degree to please you, and the further fact that even if you've made a great choice at 25, the two of you may be totally different people at 35. You'd have to be extremely lucky to pick the right person to satisfy all your relationship needs for the rest of your lives together. Probably some people have been that lucky, but not many. In fact, no one I know well enough to give an opinion about. No, I'm inclined to believe that long term marriages are more often based on a mixture of the following factors: 1) a lack of opportunity to have other relationships, 2) setting things like shared financial success, succesful raising of children, enjoyable social life, religious commitment, etc. above personal satisfaction with the intimate aspects of the relationship, 3) acceptance that the model of "lifetime mating" is, for most, a fantasy and that life is more complicated than that (meaning your life may have to consist of multiple relationships and experiences not involving your spouse), and/or 4) shared co-dependency (emotional or otherwise).
Therefore, my conclusion is that if you want your life to be simple and free from conflict, it will most likely be boring and unsatisfying. Therefore, we should stop looking for simplistic reasons why our hobbying or other relationships are "justified". The stuff we learned about relationships when we were growing up (mostly from TV and movies) was, surprise, surprise, B.S.!
I find these threads to be fascinating, because I can relate to them and think about these issues quite often. I'm still in my first marriage, and have been for over 20 years. I hobby. I also have (and have had) a number of different kinds of "civilian" relationships, some as long term as 5 years. I'm also very busy in my work. My life is complicated beyond what most people could tolerate. I'll come back to this at the conclusion of my post, but first I want to respond to some of the ideas addressed by various posters.
Hobbying results from your wife "holding out" on you
In my case, there was a period of time when I was definitely getting less than I was asking for from my wife. However, over time, I got used to the idea that we have very different priorities. Then I made the decision that these differences were not enough to get divorced over (divorce is still the only legal form of suicide for men). Now, the tables have turned. I would say that I'm the one who's holding out on her (on those infrequent times she's in the mood). I'm just not wired to turn it on for her on those rare occasions she's looking for action. This part of our lives together is water under bridge for me. As a result, I would say that my hobbying is not because of my wife not putting out. I would say I'm no longer interested in having sex with her.
If she's holding out on you, she's getting it elsewhere
As I've said, I've had (and have) a number of relationships with other women, many of them married. Sometimes, the above assumption is true. However, some of my relationships are not sexual, but involve talking about what is wrong with our respective lives. What I've learned is this: some women do not view sex as all that important to them. Sometimes this is because they simply have many other higher priorites, and sometimes it's because they have never really enjoyed sex all that much, either because of their partners or because of issues they have about themselves which they've never dealt with. One of the women I'm involved with recently told me that most of the times she's had sex in her life was because she felt pressured to do it, and she never enjoyed any of those times. This woman is clearly not looking for an extramarital relationship in order to have sex. So, my conclusion is that if your wife is holding out on you, it's just as likely that she has an incredibly low sex drive as it is that's she's getting her sexual needs fulfilled elsewhere.
If marriage is so bad, then staying single must be the answer
As tempting as it would be to agree with this, I don't think this is the answer. Being single has it's own downsides, the biggest of which is that it's difficult to get into a satisfying relationship with a woman who isn't thinking to herself "So, when are we going to get married?". I've encountered this, unfortunately, in every significant relationship I've had with a single woman. Being single can be fun at times, but don't underestimate the periods of loneliness and the pressure you can feel to marry.
Sex is the most important aspect of a lasting marriage
As I've stated above, I've already accepted otherwise. Not because in theory, this isn't true, but because in reality it's nearly impossible to make this happen. Most people marry before they have enough experience to even know what they really want in a partner. Add to that problem the fact that your prospective partner may be "acting" to some degree to please you, and the further fact that even if you've made a great choice at 25, the two of you may be totally different people at 35. You'd have to be extremely lucky to pick the right person to satisfy all your relationship needs for the rest of your lives together. Probably some people have been that lucky, but not many. In fact, no one I know well enough to give an opinion about. No, I'm inclined to believe that long term marriages are more often based on a mixture of the following factors: 1) a lack of opportunity to have other relationships, 2) setting things like shared financial success, succesful raising of children, enjoyable social life, religious commitment, etc. above personal satisfaction with the intimate aspects of the relationship, 3) acceptance that the model of "lifetime mating" is, for most, a fantasy and that life is more complicated than that (meaning your life may have to consist of multiple relationships and experiences not involving your spouse), and/or 4) shared co-dependency (emotional or otherwise).
Therefore, my conclusion is that if you want your life to be simple and free from conflict, it will most likely be boring and unsatisfying. Therefore, we should stop looking for simplistic reasons why our hobbying or other relationships are "justified". The stuff we learned about relationships when we were growing up (mostly from TV and movies) was, surprise, surprise, B.S.!
mmouse said:
This makes me thinking if our wife knows we are going out for this hobby, they should not be upset with us. We just want to satify our need but we do not have a relationship with any SPs.
peeler_feeler said:
Interesting thread. . . .
I agree with PF and Bud Plug's earlier missive. . .quite prophetic in my case in fact, as I'm going thru the same issue in my relationship. . .(going on 8 yrs ). . .done the counselling thing which helped in part, but no magic pill. . . .interesting to find out most marital discourse is over finances (#1 reason) and sex (#2). . .still in limbo as to where I'll end up.. . but I have to agree. . would want to make any rash desicions only because of my sex life (or lack thereof) and can't blame my hobbying on it either. . .
E
What other freak of nature stuff (other than sex) can you do to keep our marital life interesting? I am sure some frigid wives will pay you big bucks for that.luv4lust said:
This is my question. Sex may not be = to happy marriage life but if two person have the same sexual desire may be = more satisfying marriage life.Gititon said:
So well said mmouse. While "sex" may be an important drive to most on this board, I doubt that when deeply considering your lifes value, the number of times you did it per week, would be the top priority.mmouse said:
Oh well...back to the VIP, I guess!
Stang, thanks for another beautiful picture.stang said:
Please make my day complete and update.
https://terb.cc/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=109604
BTW, this thread on whether sex is important to marriage is interesting. I figure I still have a couple of years to think about whether to take the plunge and get married.
It sounds like married sex is either non-existant or boring, and in choosing a SO, it is better to consider whether she will be will be low naggage and a good mom.
