breakups

[a 1 player]

doesn't that mess up the child even more, when someone she adores/loves doesn't speak to her ever again?

That is one of the reasons my dates do not meet my children unless we have been dating for a LONG time. Some women believe that I am overprotective, (which I am), but I do not want my children to see me as a player, or a man who moves from relationship to relationship.

On the other hand, do not take for granted how smart (and resiliant) children are. If you do not play them and are truthful, they are understanding and tolerant to these situations, though of course they will feel pain as well.

 

[torex]

That is one of the reasons my dates do not meet my children unless we have been dating for a LONG time. Some women believe that I am overprotective, (which I am), but I do not want my children to see me as a player, or a man who moves from relationship to relationship.

On the other hand, do not take for granted how smart (and resiliant) children are. If you do not play them and are truthful, they are understanding and tolerant to these situations, though of course they will feel pain as well.

thanks ...I can never seem to express myself clearly out here

I wanted her to know that I would be thinking of her and miss her dearly ...I did'nt want her wondering what happened to me ..so we came up with the "moving away" story.

I totally agree with you ...I never met her daughter or her, my son till about 6 months into the relationship from which we spent almost everyday together...it was her that wanted to start including the kids

either way it's done and we both are both sadly moving on...hopefully sometime in the future we can be close again as friends, and I'll be in her life again ...she became the daughter I never had ...I guess thats what makes it hard for me ...I not only loved my g/f ,but her daughter to.

and for the few who think I'm being weak or whatever ....don't think this guy wants to crawl back or is showing her any desperation ...we both know where we stand....guess thats why I'm here pouring it out ...could'nt/would'nt let it out infront of her

 

[stinkynuts]

thanks for the comments people ...good and bad

what I guess failed to explain is that this was a friendly and ammicable split on both parts ...yes I love her,but she's not the one for me ...I knew that in the beginning,I know that now,I accept it...mind you I did say I was ok with it...it's not like I've never been through this before ...

all I'm really trying to say is thst I'm just sad it's over (you always think of the good times had together and wonder where it went wrong)...the ride was fun but we both knew it had to end eventually...might as well be now...why prolong the reality of it.



honestly ..I can somewhat see why you said that ,but you don't know the relationship I have/had with her...if I just dissapeared she would be worse off...whether you believe or understand that does'nt matter.

to clarify ...she was not a stripper nor an SP

torex, can I ask why you thought it would never work out in the beginning? And why you decided to go ahead with the relationship anyway (love?)?

 

[Aardvark154]

I have been in a 2.5yr relationship that recently ended. I knew it was comming,I knew it would'nt last from the beginning,she was'nt someone I would typically date but something about her grabbed my heart,something made me love her.

I've been in a similar place myself, and know that there nothing I can say at present that you will find is truly helpful or that will make your heart whole.

The only thing that I can say is that I've been there myself, and I know the pain. It is true that time heals wounds, but it hurts like Hell getting there. Sorry to hear that this has happened.

 

[alexmst]

Funny how you can give advice about a situation of which you know nothing.
I disagree with your last statement. It is unique to each family whether it is better for the kids if the parents stay together or divorce.

Diana
xoxo

Actually I do know a little bit about it. My parents for the most part couldn't stand each other, but didn't divorce solely so the kids (including me) wouldn't have to grow up in a divorced home. It wasn't easy listening to the constant bickering through closed doors, but they always acted the happy couple on family occassions like Christmas, Easter, public outings, etc, and they both honestly loved their children. I am grateful they had the guts to stick it out out of love for us if not for themselves. I admire them for that. They are heros to me.

I agree that not every family should stay together...if for example one spouse is physically abusive, or negligent in a way that puts the lives of other family members at risk. I just don't think people should get married in church, say vows to stay together to death do us part, for better or for worse, sickness and in health, etc, then have kids, and then bugger off and get a divorce because they decide one day gee whiz, they could be happier not being married.

I had a g/f years ago who was seeing two shrinks when I met her and pretty messed up with self-destructive behaviour. The shrinks both concluded that it was her parent's divorce when she was 6 that was the cause of all her problems and years of self-destructive behaviour. She told her mother this (the woman who left her with her dad when she was 6 to run off with a lover) and her 'mother' was like, "well, I knew at the time it wasn't the best thing for you, but I was 27 and wanted to enjoy my life so I guess I picked me over you" Nice piece of work. I'm sure the F glad I didn't have that...person...as my mother. So yes, I am a little judgemental.



"It may be that it ought to be a little harder to get a divorce where children are involved".
-- President Bill Clinton, speaking at a National Prayer Breakfast Feb. 1, 1996, quoted in a British House of Commons debate by John Patten, M.P. on April 24, 1996.

 

[Terminator2000]

Interesting point. Not having been married and not having kids myself (also not having been in a relationship with a gal who had a kid) I cannot say what would be harder on the kid - having the b/f move out and the kid never seeing him again, or having him move out and call around to say hi every now and then.

I think breakups, divorces and the like are all about the individual and his/her dealing with life provided no kids are in the picture. When kids are present, I don't think divorce is an option unless one wants to mess up the kids, granted this wasn't his biological kid - I'm talking here more about marriages that produce a kid). So, I guess if I made a bad marriage choice and had a kid with her I'd go with the "I made my bed now I'll lie in it" and put up/shut up for the sake of the kids rather than divorce. Perhaps some married Terbites are of similar mind and, faced with a broken marriage, hobby to preserve their marriages for the kids' sake...a nuclear family (even if slightly dysfunctional) being better for the kids than a divorced one.

Yeah man, why should the kid have to suffer just because two people don't work out. She still loves both of them and wants them to be a part of their lives. Isn't that why they share custody in most separated parents?
But just because the girlfriend/wife is being a bitch or decided to find someone else or whatever reason, towards the boyfriend/husband, doesn't mean the the daughter has to suffer the loss and absence of not seeing someone who's a significant part of her life ever again. Without having any say in it, like she doesn't have any feelings, or like her feelings don't matter with regards to the whole separation. Its not money we're talking about here. Its people. Money comes and goes and can always be replaced. But people can't.

Another last note, when people leave a person's life. It's a very significant loss. So, if you never see her again, or never visit, or never say hi or never call or never talk to her again. It'll be very much like you died cause you're gone from her life. Even if you're still alive. You still aren't there as a part of her life. And when I say her, I mean the daughter who suddenly has no say in the relationship between the two and how it affects her life.

Stop me if I'm going too far.

 

[neoleo]

It sounds to me that you love them both very much - us guys don't go out of our way to wear our hearts on our sleeves for trivial reasons.

If it were me I would try to patch things up - have you guys considered a trip abroad - just the three or possibly two of you (where the daughter stays with her grandparents?)

What you have with these two is way better than substitutes man. I have loved and lost before and if I can give any advice don't give up easily and let them go without trying to make it work.

 

[rick dickulous]

some weird advice

Get a book and do research on the internet about psychopaths, sociopaths and narcissans. They are all part of a continuum called "anti-social personality disorder". They are the most evil people in the world, in the case of psychopaths not even people, and they cause the most anguish among us real humans.

But get this, there are things we can learn from them. Leadership qualities like not being swayed off your goal, resistance to opportunistic criticism, and taking punches like this breakup and moving on, while still being effective and productive.

If you don't have missing pieces in your brain like the anti-social personality types then you will never be like one of them. But there are things you can learn from them, trust me

 

[torex]

well here I am again,nowhere to shed my feelings except an escort site (seems so friggin pathetic)

...over a year later and back in the same boat again ....things got better,she seemed to come around ,we went on a trip to mexico in April this year (no swineflu ,thank god!)

the 3 of us ,had a wonderful time ,so I thought ...and here I am,another year wasted and she's gone again .... this time it's even harder ... when we where in mexico ,her daughter and I went sea shell hunting on the beach together ....we where walking down the beach and outta nowhere she held my hand and told me she loved me and wished I was her daddy!! ....my god!!! ...why does life have to be so god damn rough most of the time ...is there any happiness in life....I'm done!...can't take it anymore! ...time to just stay in this world ,at least my heart can't be broken

alone and broken again!

 

[Ashley Dupree]

well here I am again,nowhere to shed my feelings except an escort site (seems so friggin pathetic)

...over a year later and back in the same boat again ....things got better,she seemed to come around ,we went on a trip to mexico in April this year (no swineflu ,thank god!)

the 3 of us ,had a wonderful time ,so I thought ...and here I am,another year wasted and she's gone again .... this time it's even harder ... when we where in mexico ,her daughter and I went sea shell hunting on the beach together ....we where walking down the beach and outta nowhere she held my hand and told me she loved me and wished I was her daddy!! ....my god!!! ...why does life have to be so god damn rough most of the time ...is there any happiness in life....I'm done!...can't take it anymore! ...time to just stay in this world ,at least my heart can't be broken


alone and broken again!

sorry to this torex. there is going to come time where emotionally you cant handle the going back and forth. my advice is to just cut her out of life for good. she now has track work of being indecisive and it show that she flaky.

then give it time for you to come to grip with all this. it will hurt like hell because you will feel reject by her and that is big slam to our ego. you may have care about her but sometime all we want to go back to is the way it use to be. maybe you thought you love her but maybe it is the idea of her that you once love. this will take a while to deal with. even though you love her daughter you will have to cut tie. this is sad part because this kid was willing to accept you. most wont. dont think of the idea she will miss you and want to get back. keep looking forward and go on with your life. this time this woman will know you mean business. dont let her string you along.

i was once dump by email and it hurt like hell and he want to keep me on string in case he want to try again. i told him i wouldnt be second choice and forget it and cut off all tie with him. and i mean all tie. it only took him few month to hook up with someone else. i alway suspect he was meeting other people on internet dating site. i went on with my life and one day he contact me out of blue. he want to meet for drink. i figure this was time for complete closure but he only make me angry and i finally realize he was jerk when i look back and go over everything again and what he did to me. not to mention why he said he want to meet me... just to get back at his current wife for when she went and met her ex. sometime weird thing like this will happen later on and you will see thing clearer and why they didnt work out. i would concentrate on yourself for a while and then look and meet someone else.

 

[a 1 player]

sorry to this torex. there is going to come time where emotionally you cant handle the going back and forth. my advice is to just cut her out of life for good. she now has track work of being indecisive and it show that she flaky.

then give it time for you to come to grip with all this. it will hurt like hell because you will feel reject by her and that is big slam to our ego. you may have care about her but sometime all we want to go back to is the way it use to be. maybe you thought you love her but maybe it is the idea of her that you once love. this will take a while to deal with. even though you love her daughter you will have to cut tie. this is sad part because this kid was willing to accept you. most wont. dont think of the idea she will miss you and want to get back. keep looking forward and go on with your life. this time this woman will know you mean business. dont let her string you along.

i was once dump by email and it hurt like hell and he want to keep me on string in case he want to try again. i told him i wouldnt be second choice and forget it and cut off all tie with him. and i mean all tie. it only took him few month to hook up with someone else. i alway suspect he was meeting other people on internet dating site. i went on with my life and one day he contact me out of blue. he want to meet for drink. i figure this was time for complete closure but he only make me angry and i finally realize he was jerk when i look back and go over everything again and what he did to me. not to mention why he said he want to meet me... just to get back at his current wife for when she went and met her ex. sometime weird thing like this will happen later on and you will see thing clearer and why they didnt work out. i would concentrate on yourself for a while and then look and meet someone else.

You probably don't want to hear it right now, but Ashley offers some sage advice.

 

[Aardvark154]

Sorry to hear this Torex! In light of the latest development I think Ashley is right. I do feel for you and the daughter, it sounds like you both deserved better.

 

[addicted2whiskey]

Um....my 2 cents. Just because a relationship didn't work out between the two ppl doesn't mean you dont have to stop talking to her daughter.

Okay, it would get complicated but, after a while...you can start all keeping close as friends.

and thats probably the worst advice I ever gave, in my entire life.

Yeah! Keep in touch with that daughter buddy. Never limit your options. When that daughter starts having daddy issues and becomes "legal, tender and fine" you have first dibs!!!

 

[Ashley Dupree]

Yeah! Keep in touch with that daughter buddy. Never limit your options. When that daughter starts having daddy issues and becomes "legal, tender and fine" you have first dibs!!!

That just wrong.lol. sorry dont mean to laugh but this kid need proper father figure like torex so she wont make bad choice to find figure somewhere else that may not be good situation.