Got caught... and I lost someone who did not deserve to be cheated on.
Read some books... and while I do believe self help books are cliche... one chapter in one book stuck out to me. It basically asked why people make the same mistakes over and over and over.
Some people cheat over and over and over...
Some people get cheated on and never leave, over and over and over...
Some people are entitled, and treat others like shit...
The author was a psychologist who said he identified 12 things that damage people... yada yada yada.
Appearantly my ex wife had abandonment issues. Took her a long time to leave me, even after I was caught dead to rights.
So... I went to see a counselor to figure out why I followed certain destructive patterns in my life. Anytime I had seen a counselor, or even a marriage counselor before... it was to bitch about how others were treating me. This time, it was to figure out why I kept smashing my own thumb with a proverbial hammer... over and over and over.
Turns out, when you were raised by to 2 raging alcoholics who constantly broke promises and violence was far too common... it causes some self esteem issues.
In any case... I pursued counseling.. took part in a Cognitive Behavior study at St Joe's. They had this great way of explaining it... our life is a garden... the good things are the flowers. The ordinary things the shrubs. And the bad things the weeds.
The plants on top are our behaviors, and roots in the ground are our Core Beliefs.
Maybe your dad was a Staunch Conservative, hated Pierre Elliot Trudeau, and sat by the radio listening to Blue Jay's games all summer, every summer. This helped form your core beliefs.
Maybe you were sent to Sunday school and taught wonderful things about Jesus from age 4... There's a the root of a core belief.
Maybe dad threw you down a set of stairs when you were 2... you get what I'm getting at. Roots in the garden.
So, then in your mid 30's... things in life are a little fucked up... but you're smart. Be positive. "The Power of Positive Thinking"... well for most people that is weeding their garden to get rid of negative.
However... without the right tools, you are just ripping the top off a dandelion, and the root is still in the ground. You will be back to a little fucked up in life in no time at all.
It's all about identifying what you don't like about your life... finding the core beliefs that are responsible... figuring out how they got there, and digging deep. Not easy.
I remember one session, they asked me to describe some of the childhood trauma. Mother shit... she loved me, and had a good heart... her "drunk out of her mind" momoents were a sight to behold. I told one of the stories... and the counselor asked, "and when she did that, what did that say about you?" Stopped me in my tracks. What does your parents being raging alcoholics say about me? That I was not good enough for them to stop? That I didn't matter, only the bottles of Whiskey and Gin did?
And that changed my life. Not immediately. But I had the garden and roots principle, and some of the tools to make my life a proper garden. Gardens are work in progress at best, but a nightmare if you don't weed them properly.
