Consequences?

[maveriiick]

Do any of you hobbiers think that your repetitive pursuits, so to speak, end up affecting your mental conscience? Your relationship with your SO? I'm too lazy to look for older threads of others contemplating the same thing.

I just ended a three year relationship with my SO, after she found out about my pursuits. She is an IT techie and found something I assumed was well hidden. We loved each other greatly, but the sex seemed to suck from the beginning based on personal preferences. She a conservative and quiet lover vs. myself who favored more PSE-style intimacy.

During my initiation and ongoing encounters I felt some guilt, but reasoned that the encounters were strictly sexual with no emotional attachment. I, like I believe most us, enjoys the diverse offerings of SPs and services with no strings attached, but it became addictive and destructive, hence my lost relationship.

I'm interested ot hear peoples thoughts as I try to come to better terms with my impulsive desires.

 

[jazzpig]

You are the only one who can judge for yourself.

 

[Bear669]

How true.

You are the only one who can judge for yourself.

No issues for me. I never fooled around on my wives, and started hobbying about a year after the last b/up, and after dating a couple of nice but conservative civilians.
I have made some mistakes, got very emotionally (sometimes painfully) involved, but the last year has been a life long fantasy come true. If aliens zap me tonight, my last thoughts will be about my overwhelmingly wonderful women.

 

[papasmerf]

Do any of you hobbiers think that your repetitive pursuits, so to speak, end up affecting your mental conscience? Your relationship with your SO? I'm too lazy to look for older threads of others contemplating the same thing.

I just ended a three year relationship with my SO, after she found out about my pursuits. She is an IT techie and found something I assumed was well hidden. We loved each other greatly, but the sex seemed to suck from the beginning based on personal preferences. She a conservative and quiet lover vs. myself who favored more PSE-style intimacy.

During my initiation and ongoing encounters I felt some guilt, but reasoned that the encounters were strictly sexual with no emotional attachment. I, like I believe most us, enjoys the diverse offerings of SPs and services with no strings attached, but it became addictive and destructive, hence my lost relationship.

I'm interested ot hear peoples thoughts as I try to come to better terms with my impulsive desires.

She sounds perfect........Can you send her my contact info??

 

[alan9080]

I am sorry about your break up Maveriiick.

I think you should talk to your SO and explain to her
that you got addicted to this lifestyle and that you are willing
to seek counselling. Tell her that those SP's meant nothing to you.

I am sure if you were addicted to alcohol or other subtstances,
she would understand and get some help for you.

Dont just walk away from your SO without trying to work things out.

 

[netbull]

I think you should talk to your SO and explain to her
that you got addicted to this lifestyle and that you are willing
to seek counselling. Tell her that those SP's meant nothing to you.

I am sure if you were addicted to alcohol or other subtstances,
she would understand and get some help for you.

I beg to differ here. I think Maveriiick probably explained to her already how things got on the wrong track but SPs are not totally meaningless to him. Sex is an important part of relationship and it's very rare to find a conservative woman who will let you explore outside the relationship for 'just sexual pleasures', so sounds like a lost cause from the very get go. What's good is reconciliation and forgiveness after the counselling if only to repeat some time down the road? This is a typical 'great friends, bad lovers' scenario and you just have to go with your gut feelings on this, Maveriiick. Still sad to lose a good relationship but such is life. Good luck!

 

[Bear669]

Yup

I beg to differ here. I think Maveriiick probably explained to her already how things got on the wrong track but SPs are not totally meaningless to him. Sex is an important part of relationship and it's very rare to find a conservative woman who will let you explore outside the relationship for 'just sexual pleasures', so sounds like a lost cause from the very get go. What's good is reconciliation and forgiveness after the counselling if only to repeat some time down the road? This is a typical 'great friends, bad lovers' scenario and you just have to go with your gut feelings on this, Maveriiick. Still sad to lose a good relationship but such is life. Good luck!

What he said.

 

[LordLoki]

What he said.

For most women, finding sex with them boring might be considered insulting. And probably finding out you found it with someone else is probably going to feel like you detroyed all trust.

You can convince yourself of anything to feel better about doing something, but do not assume others will agree.

 

[LordLoki]

The lifestyle itself is addictive - you figure you are seeing a woman that is your version of a dream girl, saying things you want/need to hear, doing the things you want to do and being generally 'perfect' (an hour or two at a time). To top it off...she really demands very little from you aside from the cash.

Then there's the reality - a real life partner who has expectations, needs and such beyond yours. Who may be the most perfect mate in the world - but the sexual needs are different. Who is a real life 24/7 person that gets cranky or moody and has bad days.

Some gentlemen can balance between the two quite well and know the parameters. Others, just may not be wired that way. From my own experiences (personal and as an SP) - yes...when someone finds someone else more sexually satisfying it hurts and destroys trust.

If you want to stop seeing SPs - you need to do it for yourself first and foremost. If it is something that is no longer acceptable in your life - seek out professional help and work hard at not doing it. It is addiction and extremely hard to quit on your own.

Robynn

It is dificult? Hey I decided to quit when I realised I was too romantic to be a good client. Now you tell me it will be dificult?

Maybe I can do it by myself because I had such a short exposure to seeing SPs?

 

[Hard Idle]

..I just ended a three year relationship with my SO, after she found out about my pursuits. She is an IT techie and found something I assumed was well hidden. We loved each other greatly, but the sex seemed to suck from the beginning based on personal preferences. She a conservative and quiet lover vs. myself who favored more PSE-style intimacy....

Break-up was best thing in the world for all parties involved. Your hobbying just got BOTH of you out of a doomed relationship before too much time was lost!

You were wrong to lie about it and to and to keep both of you in a sexually mismatched relationship. Next time be up-front about your sexual needs, expectations and what it takes to keep you home - if it's not a good match, then just be close FRIENDS (who might even fuck once in a while) but DON'T do the "SO" thing.

If on the other hand monogamy is not an option for you no matter how great the sex is, than admitt that too, and stay single unless you find that rare person who'd be OK with this.

You don't need "counselling" for your hobbying - you need help to admit and embrace what you are and what's important to you (PSE sex and variety) and be OK with remaining unattached in pursuit of this, until/unless you naturally age out of it, OR you find somebody who makes you lose all desire for other temptations.

So be single and hobby. You can still be close and meaningfull friends with women - it will be even better since they don't need to be hot or good in bed because you'll have that taken care of. No shortage of women who want male friends without a sexual agenda behind the friendship. And if they still want to sleep with you knowing what your needs and tendancies are, then you won't be doing anything questionable if you proceed with it.

 

[frankcastle]

I tended to hobby or date but never both. What I did find however was that if I allowed myself to hobby I would go as much as possible without borrowing money. So my financial conscience took a back seat.

 

[Hard Idle]

The lifestyle itself is addictive - you figure you are seeing a woman that is your version of a dream girl, saying things you want/need to hear, doing the things you want to do and being generally 'perfect' (an hour or two at a time). To top it off...she really demands very little from you aside from the cash.

I think some people are addicted having a different partner every time, the Pleasure business makes this easier, but it doesn't creat it. I know a couple of people with male relatives who've been juggling 3-4 "girlfriends" while spotting in the ocassional one-nighter with strangers all their adult lives.

Personally, I had a couple of incall sessions in the summer of 2001 & again in 2002 but have only done one since, even though I didn't a GF the whole time. I've also taken extended periods away from SC's a couple of times over the past 10 years. It all depends on what you're used to and expect.

 

[LordLoki]

I'm sorry if I implied that this business creates it - it makes it accessible and really, it does depend on what you're used to. It CAN become addictive for some - it doesn't always...just like every person that takes a drink doesn't become an alcoholic.

And just like drinking or even taking drugs....some people can walk away easily and some can't.

To me, it read like Maverick was somewhat attached to the lifestyle. It also sort of sounded like he wanted to stop but was having a hard time - I crafted my response based on that.

Robynn

I was teasing Robynn. I can see how people could get addicted to having pretty women treat them as if they were wonderful. And I can see how it would be dificult to leave that behind.

Simple test, are they spending more than they can afford?

 

[Damondean]

It's easy to quit. I have done it dozens of times. )

 

[maveriiick]

Thanks for the input ladies and gents. I've tried to reconcile but she has tired of the lies Ive given her in my past attempts to conceal this hobby addiction. She also hated the fact that I like watching porn and figured to was fantasy-like and unrealistic and IMO felt threatened by it.

I have enjoyed my hobbying pursuits and the excitement that comes with each new encounter. I figured I could have NSA encounter with no emotional attachments with a given donation. I would go home and spend time with my SO, even though I felt guilty I reasoned it was purely sexual. What I did notice is that my sexual attraction to her was lost or distant. She is attractive and professional looking with a great physique, but her moral and attitudes were conservative and modest. I felt guilty also because she was not getting sexual gratification and I was.

I guess it was a sad story of lovers becoming friends. What makes it especially difficult for me to accept is that she loved me so deeply and I took her for granted and kept building a bigger wedge between us as time went by. I know I deserve what I get, I am a huge asshole and can say it with no reservations. I will miss her because everything she did for me was unselfish and incredible. I was egotistical, selfish/self serving and disrespectful. The lacking factor was mutually satisfying sex, the glue that holds relationships together. I can honestly say that when I do find someone special to grow old with I will leave this hobby. That is my leasson learned.

 

[sp free]

Don't beat yourself up man. If it's not happening in the bedroom (or wherever else) it's not going to last.

Women specialize in making breakups the man's fault. Something he did, something he didn't do, the typical drivel. It's all to ease their own guilty feelings.

You got caught, she dumped you.

You're a man. Don't apologize for it.

 

[Hard Idle]

she has tired of the lies Ive given her in my past attempts to conceal this hobby addiction. She also hated the fact that I like watching porn and figured to was fantasy-like and unrealistic and IMO felt threatened by it.
... I felt guilty also because she was not getting sexual gratification and I was.

Also sounds like someone who couldn't or wouldn't accept you the way you are and made you feel guilty or warped for wanting very normal things ... I mean we are just talking about SEX right? It's not like you were into beastiality or human sacrifices or something? Seems to me she was making very harsh judgements on you about stuff a person shouldn't need to appologize for....

What makes it especially difficult for me to accept is that she loved me so deeply and I took her for granted and kept building a bigger wedge between us as time went by.

I'd say you could just as easily make the same argument about her approach to the relationship. This single-minded insistence on the "I'm right and you're sick" / "my way or no way" approach sounds like the very diefinition of taking somebody for granted. She was just as unwilling to give up her rules and obsessions as you were to give up your sexual desires - except you've been coached to believe that your needs & wants were somehow less legitimate than her sex-aversion.

Of course whenever a breakup happens people feel a certain sense of failure and rejection, they will miss things they got used to and there is suddenly nothing to show for all the time and emotion invested. Only the passage of time will help you see this in the clear light of day.

Some guys do blow great relationships even when they have an enthusiastic and accomodating partner just because they're insatiable dogs who can never get enough or say No to themselves. Assuming you've been honest in your story, I trully don't think you're one of those guys - you may be a little weak and undisciplined but it doesn't sound like your GF was willing to meet you half way and you could not be expected to become the Eunoch you'd need to be to have her respect.

 

[fuji]

Like others I think only you can answer these questions.

Now onto the truly practical question: So how did she find out? Therein may lie the lesson for next time.

 

[maveriiick]

Time To EXIT, I've answered my questions

Like others I think only you can answer these questions.

RETIREMENT FROM THIS HOBBY:

I spoke with my ex tonight for a couple of hours and came to the realization that this hobby is no longer for me. I will never have her in my life again, and that price is too much for me to accept. I remember when I began this hobby I imagined it as an outlet for something I was missing and would be easy to control. It went on to envelop my overall activity and became an addiction that has hurt too many people at my expense.

I told me ex the painful truth regarding my indiscretions and told her it would not be pretty. I even told her about TERB and the degree of activity I'd been exposed to. It was hard, but it honestly felt good to tell the truth to her for once in a very long time. I've been living a lie for too long and I want my old life back, the simplicity of having one person who is the focus of my attention.

I know you guys do this for a number of reasons, I'm making peace with the demons in my head and will be looking into so some counseling to understand the reasons for my actions. I know there are those who say I'll be back, but I'm looking to enrich the remaining time of my life with one person. It takes hard work and I think I'll take my chances.

Best of luck
Maveriiick

 

[rokuq]

Once you've cooled off ....



....... you'll be back