Consequences?
- Thread starter maveriiick
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If you think that mtually satisfying sex is the glue that holds relationships together then that might be true for you, but that's seldom the case for women. Sex ranks very low in importance with women and relationships. Women can go for months without having sex and not be particularly bothered by it, especially once they have children. I think relationships work really well if both partners recognize the needs of the other. While your needs may be predominantly physical her needs may be emotional or caring or whatever it may be. So if both satisfy each others needs it could be quite good. Btw, this kind of bliss rarely happens.maveriiick said:
Hey Maveriiick, don't be so hard on yourself. You are human and have human needs. You are not demented. The wife of one of my friends caught him engaged in self-sex on their bed and she was so pissed off and accused him of cheating on her (unbelievable!).maveriiick said:
Thanx for the perspectives. I think for me that since I began this 'hobby' i became a selfish, less-sensitve person and looking back in retrospect I cannot believe that was me. I am fortunate enough to have scheduled some counseling so that a therapist can provide me with some insight as well.
I spent a large part of the day reading up on cheating, infidelity, and how it destroys people lives once it comes out. I knew there might be consequences, but downplayed them. Reality has arrived and the experience has been hard but rewarding in one positive way, I finally can see the wrong I was doing and prevent it.
My ex is a strong woman, but she has never had this happen to her and I fear that she may develop a complex due to this, like an aversion to sex or poor self esteem. It was never about her limitations, it was about my uncontrolled impulses.
You guys may think I'm hard on myslef, but I had an epiphany after the fact. I'm happy to be were I am now. But unfortunately is cost me the dearest person in my life.
I spent a large part of the day reading up on cheating, infidelity, and how it destroys people lives once it comes out. I knew there might be consequences, but downplayed them. Reality has arrived and the experience has been hard but rewarding in one positive way, I finally can see the wrong I was doing and prevent it.
My ex is a strong woman, but she has never had this happen to her and I fear that she may develop a complex due to this, like an aversion to sex or poor self esteem. It was never about her limitations, it was about my uncontrolled impulses.
You guys may think I'm hard on myslef, but I had an epiphany after the fact. I'm happy to be were I am now. But unfortunately is cost me the dearest person in my life.
A good self-check is that if you find yourself doing extreme or dramatic things, then something in your head is making you not think right. In reality, from a distance, nothing is that complex or that dramatic. If you think it is that dramatic you need to take a step back and look.
Mav, you are saying lots of high drama stuff, and no doubt what htat means is you are reacting to a VERY stressful emotional situation sort of balancing the hurt by going extreme the other way. You probably secretly hope that if you can become "born again" and go too far with this that she will come back to you or something.
Maybe step back, take a deep breath, and assess calmly. Actually, right now that is probably impossible for you, maybe just go get drunk.
The advice here is don't take any big decisions until you are in a space where your head is clear, which right now, it plainly is not. So, just take a break until you are. Try and have some fun. Let old man time do his thing and when you are in s space where your head is clear then take some decisions about your life.
Anyway, I don't know your life or your situation, but I can see you need to chill out a bit, take a deep breath, and try and assess your situation rationally, without all the drama, emotion, etc.
Mav, you are saying lots of high drama stuff, and no doubt what htat means is you are reacting to a VERY stressful emotional situation sort of balancing the hurt by going extreme the other way. You probably secretly hope that if you can become "born again" and go too far with this that she will come back to you or something.
Maybe step back, take a deep breath, and assess calmly. Actually, right now that is probably impossible for you, maybe just go get drunk.
The advice here is don't take any big decisions until you are in a space where your head is clear, which right now, it plainly is not. So, just take a break until you are. Try and have some fun. Let old man time do his thing and when you are in s space where your head is clear then take some decisions about your life.
Anyway, I don't know your life or your situation, but I can see you need to chill out a bit, take a deep breath, and try and assess your situation rationally, without all the drama, emotion, etc.
The counselling sessions will be helpful for ensuring you don't have enough money left to hobby much. However, you don't really need them to make sense of your actions - you have already provided the explanation with your own words:maveriiick said:
If you want somebody to convince you that you can and ought to live with unfufilling sex, I would suggest a that a clergyman would be better suited to the job than a psychiatrist.maveriiick said:
But you can accomplish this goal on your own. Just go celibate for 2-3 years. Then, when you're in your next relationship, if the sex turns out to be lame, it'll still seem like a jackpot.
Fear not - assuming you were being truthfull when you posted this:maveriiick said:
. ...sounds like that aversion has been in place from the begining. Going by your account, she must have viewd sex as a necessary evil to be endured for the greater good - and you were supposed to reciprocate by swearing off desire for anything more than her reluctant sacrifice.
Hey maveriiick, I don't mean to sound like I'm dumping all over this lady whom you deeply care for and who must have some very compelling qualities - heck, my best friend is an asexual woman - nothing wrong that per se. I'm just trying to say there isn't anything seriously wrong with you or your desires, and your Ex WILL have this problem again in future relationships, only the next guy might be better at spacing out his cheating and covering his tracks.
Chosing to live forever as a couple despite the absence of sexual fulfillment is a legitimate lifestyle choice, but it is a difficult one not to be made lightly. Today you may regert not making this choice, but if ou had, who's to say you wouldn't have ended up where toroz is now? Remeber, infidelity didn't ambush you - you sought it out, for a reason.
Hey Mav,
First, you have to be true to thine self then the rest will follow. If you can't be true to thine self, you can't be true to anyone else. Good luck. (Be careful with therapists, they are pretty good about separating you from your money.)
First, you have to be true to thine self then the rest will follow. If you can't be true to thine self, you can't be true to anyone else. Good luck. (Be careful with therapists, they are pretty good about separating you from your money.)
Be careful with lawyers, they are good at separating you from your money. Can you not negotiate a settlement with your ex by using an arbitrator?Toroz said:
I think I need to clarify my ex girlfriend's perspective. She was not averse to sex and was actually quite a sexual person. What she told me is that she was looking for meaningful encounters where there was a mental as well as physical connection. I was so caught up with the visual aspect of equating pornography with my sexual desires that she could sense that sex was only mechanical for me. This aspect turned her off of sex. Women generally need a mental connection when they are attracted to someone, SPs don't really care as long as they get paid.
I know it sounds like I'm making rash decisions based on emotion, but in the time that I have pursued this choice I actually feel clean and real again, if that makes any sense. I think I was stuck in a fantasy for too long and that can be a dangerous thing. I don't want to wake up one day, old and alone and realized I cheated myself out of a deeper sense of happiness.
This hobby allows for quick gratification with NSA, but do you guys really believe that when you lose your job, lose a family member, or a tragic event takes place in your life, that one of these SPs will come to your side to comfort you through the grief and bereavement period and possibly support you as you fall apart? Depression, anxiety, panic may ensue and these emotions can destroy your life. For example, do you guys ever wonder what happened to some of those homeless people on the street downtown? What set of events happened in their lives to put them where they are? They commonly live alone and die alone as nobodys.
All I'm saying is that I need to be real to be happy and that someone I am with will sense that I care for her and only her. I want someone who will be there with me through the good and the bad. The grim reaper comes for us all, and I want someone to be there with me up to that day.
P.S. Toroz, good luck with your situation.
I know it sounds like I'm making rash decisions based on emotion, but in the time that I have pursued this choice I actually feel clean and real again, if that makes any sense. I think I was stuck in a fantasy for too long and that can be a dangerous thing. I don't want to wake up one day, old and alone and realized I cheated myself out of a deeper sense of happiness.
This hobby allows for quick gratification with NSA, but do you guys really believe that when you lose your job, lose a family member, or a tragic event takes place in your life, that one of these SPs will come to your side to comfort you through the grief and bereavement period and possibly support you as you fall apart? Depression, anxiety, panic may ensue and these emotions can destroy your life. For example, do you guys ever wonder what happened to some of those homeless people on the street downtown? What set of events happened in their lives to put them where they are? They commonly live alone and die alone as nobodys.
All I'm saying is that I need to be real to be happy and that someone I am with will sense that I care for her and only her. I want someone who will be there with me through the good and the bad. The grim reaper comes for us all, and I want someone to be there with me up to that day.
P.S. Toroz, good luck with your situation.
Mav, I think men and women are quite different in what they want out of sex. I agree that women want the emotional/mental connection. They're evolved to. We're evolved differently, we want the visual/PSE type connection for SEX. There's an article in the Star today about how men and women have different attitudes about kissing: Men kiss as a step towards getting sex. Women kiss to evaluate whether their partner is sufficiently bonded to them to stick around after sex.
None of which means there's not any value any the other parts of a relationship: Plainly, your partner is oging to be there for you when things go badly, and some SP is not going to be.
Plainly too if you engage in stuff that your partner doesn't understand you are opening yourself up to the risk of losing that person. However, if you DON'T, you are opening yourself up to the risk of a life missing some things you care about a lot.
Nothing makes you realize how important something was to you like loss. Right now your being is focussed around the loss of your relationship, and you are putting a high value on that. It's easy to say, "I don't care about sex" right now, because you haven't lost it. Might not be so easy in 10 years.
It's not clear to me that you made any really bad choices, more like, I think you were unlucky. That said, I'm not you, I don't walk around in your shoes, I wasn't brought up the way you were, don't value the same things you do, so at the end of the day plainly this is your own personal decision.
So my only one bit of advice to you is to make sure you've got some calm space to reflect in before taking a big decision, ANY big decision, not just this one, as a result of what has recently happened.
...
I am still waiting to hear how you got caught. Come on, spill it
None of which means there's not any value any the other parts of a relationship: Plainly, your partner is oging to be there for you when things go badly, and some SP is not going to be.
Plainly too if you engage in stuff that your partner doesn't understand you are opening yourself up to the risk of losing that person. However, if you DON'T, you are opening yourself up to the risk of a life missing some things you care about a lot.
Nothing makes you realize how important something was to you like loss. Right now your being is focussed around the loss of your relationship, and you are putting a high value on that. It's easy to say, "I don't care about sex" right now, because you haven't lost it. Might not be so easy in 10 years.
It's not clear to me that you made any really bad choices, more like, I think you were unlucky. That said, I'm not you, I don't walk around in your shoes, I wasn't brought up the way you were, don't value the same things you do, so at the end of the day plainly this is your own personal decision.
So my only one bit of advice to you is to make sure you've got some calm space to reflect in before taking a big decision, ANY big decision, not just this one, as a result of what has recently happened.
...
I am still waiting to hear how you got caught. Come on, spill it
Well, if they have an extreme psychological aversion to enclosures and confinment, they'd be living on the street even if they had a family and an executive income.
If they had an out of control drug habit (using or dealing unsuccessfully) they'd probably end up on the street no matter what.
The rest probably had financial crisis and their depression was exacerbated by their partners bailling out on them (or in some cases putting them in the poor house to begin with) - partners and families are not always a belssing...
OK Mav...Let me ask you. Before things escalated to this point, did she explain to you how she feels regarding sex? Don't let her make you the sole villain here (many women have a PhD in this)...you cheated yes and thats not cool. But why wasnt she communicating? you wont know if she wont tell.maveriiick said:
In a relationship BOTH sides need to communicate and make an effort to accommodate each other. Neither of you can just say "oh I'm not getting what i want so fuck it"
sounds like the hobby isnt for you ...this probably explains why you feel better when not in it these days. Best to just keep it that way.
You know what..you're right! They wont be there...and anybody who can handle this hobby would know this. This wouldnt be a revelation for them..they know what the score is and they handle it as such.
I hear waaaay too many guys... "I think I love an SP"..."I want an SP to be my girl"...these people cant get a grip on the hobby and should not be hobbying
For those of you who are in the same mindframe as me. Or feeling guilty to some degree. Just a great website for introspection and thought.
http://www.infidelityhelpline.com/index.html
I followed the links to:
1. Signs of Infidelity
2. Helpful Infidelity Advice
3. Surviving Infidelity
http://www.infidelityhelpline.com/index.html
I followed the links to:
1. Signs of Infidelity
2. Helpful Infidelity Advice
3. Surviving Infidelity
i think mongrel is merely saying that guys should think with a clear head and not let fleeting emotions dictate their lives and invest time & money in a relationship that exists only in the figment of the guy's imagination. real life reenactments of the movie pretty woman are few and far betweenToroz said:
