This whole thread makes me want to become a lesbian. Honestly. It is disturbing the way some of you view women, and yourselves.
Do you regret getting married or having children
- Thread starter jackal2006
- Start date
LOL, yes I do see a bit of me in that Jack Nicholson character, not as old as him though, wife and me are still in our 40's, but that was funny.
A friend of mine going thru separation... her career seems on the ups while his is wavering. Two kids, one is 8 the other is around 5.
He really enjoys and loves his kids. At the same time, it's quite a hit to the wallet and time requirements (at least in the early years) are tremendous.
He really enjoys and loves his kids. At the same time, it's quite a hit to the wallet and time requirements (at least in the early years) are tremendous.
i'd be interested to know how you make out mississauga man. I have found finding alternate hobbys challenging.
I really loved reading this thread! So many perspectives and no right or wrong answer. My perspective?.... I don't regret getting married or having kids. If I didn't get married, I'd have never had kids and that for me now that they are both young adults and such an incredible joy to be around is simply unimaginable. My wife and I have been together for over 25 years and married for just over 24 years. It's never been perfect but for the most part it's been very good. She's a great person, an incredible mother and my best friend. The sex had been sparse for years 7 or 8 through 19 and simply non existent for the last 5 years so I hobby because I'm not interested in having a relationship with anyone else. I love my wife and I love our life and so I occasionally get the sex part without any commitment or risk of becoming attached and ruining something that is so good.
The sparse sex is both of our faults, the no sex thing in the last 5 years is the result of her going through breast cancer and having her body essentially ripped apart. She's never felt sexy since, she's never recovered from a body image perspective and simply can't be intimate in that way so we do it in other ways that are non sexual but very loving. We work more now at ensuring each other knows they are loved than ever. Just not in a traditional way. Unfortunately despite our believing she was through the worst of it, her cancer came back a couple of years ago metastasizing to her spine. Treatment keeps it at bay but she is and will always be considered stage 4 and treatment is considered palliative. It is what it is and believe me it is tough to see someone you love suffer through treatment and know she'll never be free of it. It's tough to watch my kids deal with it and we're honest with them and they know that one day it will take her.
I watch what my wife has gone through and continues to go through and I marvel at what she accomplishes on a daily basis, going on about her life and career and managing her family, making time for her kids and strengthening her relationships with our friends and people she chooses as family and I think, fuck! I'd be rolled up in a ball under the blankets if it was me. She's incredible, my kids are incredible and as Garth Brooks sings.........I could have missed the pain, but I'd have had to miss the dance. Not in a million years would I trade some of the shit that I've experienced in my life for the greatest blessings I've had in my life.......
But here's the thing, I'll never remarry again. I do now crave the idea of being by myself when she's gone. I'll still have a role in my kids life but I don't feel like I want to have anyone else relying on me moving forward other than my kids. I don't want to be responsible for anyone else's health or happiness. This last 5 years has been and should always have been focused on my wife but it's also wiped me out - a little bit financially but mostly emotionally and mental health wise. Being "on" all the time is draining. I run a company, I run a household, I keep up the appearance of being strong and there for everyone and when the inevitable happens, I plan on focusing on just me, hopefully retiring and downsizing and just having fun - as I define it because the last 5 years and however much longer this goes on for........hasn’t been much fun.
So I get the all the perspectives here and thank you all of sharing them. Our differences are what makes the world go round as they say!
The sparse sex is both of our faults, the no sex thing in the last 5 years is the result of her going through breast cancer and having her body essentially ripped apart. She's never felt sexy since, she's never recovered from a body image perspective and simply can't be intimate in that way so we do it in other ways that are non sexual but very loving. We work more now at ensuring each other knows they are loved than ever. Just not in a traditional way. Unfortunately despite our believing she was through the worst of it, her cancer came back a couple of years ago metastasizing to her spine. Treatment keeps it at bay but she is and will always be considered stage 4 and treatment is considered palliative. It is what it is and believe me it is tough to see someone you love suffer through treatment and know she'll never be free of it. It's tough to watch my kids deal with it and we're honest with them and they know that one day it will take her.
I watch what my wife has gone through and continues to go through and I marvel at what she accomplishes on a daily basis, going on about her life and career and managing her family, making time for her kids and strengthening her relationships with our friends and people she chooses as family and I think, fuck! I'd be rolled up in a ball under the blankets if it was me. She's incredible, my kids are incredible and as Garth Brooks sings.........I could have missed the pain, but I'd have had to miss the dance. Not in a million years would I trade some of the shit that I've experienced in my life for the greatest blessings I've had in my life.......
But here's the thing, I'll never remarry again. I do now crave the idea of being by myself when she's gone. I'll still have a role in my kids life but I don't feel like I want to have anyone else relying on me moving forward other than my kids. I don't want to be responsible for anyone else's health or happiness. This last 5 years has been and should always have been focused on my wife but it's also wiped me out - a little bit financially but mostly emotionally and mental health wise. Being "on" all the time is draining. I run a company, I run a household, I keep up the appearance of being strong and there for everyone and when the inevitable happens, I plan on focusing on just me, hopefully retiring and downsizing and just having fun - as I define it because the last 5 years and however much longer this goes on for........hasn’t been much fun.
So I get the all the perspectives here and thank you all of sharing them. Our differences are what makes the world go round as they say!
A heartfelt story. I'm sorry to hear about your wife. May the rest of her life be the best it can. It sounds like you're dealing with the situation as best you can. I wish you happiness wherever life takes you.
I think that might be common in smaller towns, but here in Toronto, it's less common. BUT, I will say this. Being in that 35-45 age range, having a slew of close friends with kids, I can say just a few of them have said "If I could do it all over, I wouldn't get married.. yea, I love my kids, but still".
Another couple are less direct or forceful about it, but purposefully joke with the effect of "yeaa, that's what I do to get away for a little awhile". 1 is still really in love, which I've seen is the minority.
I'm actually in a transition phase, going from "duude, you don't know what you're missing" to "many women do get 'selfish' and controlling when it comes to the household/family operations.. MamaBear syndrome is real". And they do have a tendency to think like "You have a baby with me so I got you now... you ain't leaving me so I don't give a crap about your needs.. as long as you keep serving the vision I have for our family, even though I might entertain some of it and be cheery it at a superficial level". I've seen where the attitude directed to the husband, over time leads to men just snapping and leading to divorce.
I know someone, a bit older, who would just get up early on a weekend to do his recreational hobby without telling his family. Was normal for him... but now I get it. There isn't outward hostility or anything. Generally, one of the things is Wife would overtime, persistently ask him why he isn't more ambitious at work and going for that next level, but he, who makes decent money (at least 150K) said the extra pressure and expectations wouldn't be worth the after-tax money and would affect his energy for his kids. But I can see, he doesn't feel appreciated as an individual and father to the children. Especially when they have their mortgage paid off, the appeal is less.
oh god, you nailed it on the head in almost every way re what i've seen thru first hand re both me and my friends (most of these guys are quite successful).
some are divorcing for the reasons you are mentioning, but some just can't (either because of kids, and or kids as well as well as money since in the cases i know my friends are the breadwinners but the laws work against them). For one of my friends, it's not one of the cases where he goes to work but she does a fairly does an excellent job maintaining the home and doing her part for the household. These are cases where after work, he will have to drive around to see what's still open (drive thru) so he can have dinner (while being stressed to check what kind of messages are waiting for him on his phone) as there will be no food at home waiting for him. The house is also a mess despite she doesn't work etc etc etc. The worst part is that these were some of the most focused, intelligent and happy-go-lucky type of guys in their youth... and from their personalities now, they are almost unrecognizable. You can see where I'm going with this.
I've also seen the cases where the couples are what i would consider extremely successful for a young (mid 30s), have significant assets and income (paid off 2m+ homes, cars money in the bank) and instead of finding more balance in life to enjoy more, the wife wants more (even though the husband was the one that lead the household to it's level of success). in the end it all crashes down and ends up in divorce. some (but not all) of these cases the wives have admitted they were ungrateful in retrospect.
Almost in all these cases however, the husbands claim they had no idea the true nature of their ex-wives were this way before marriage and how being married gave their wives a sense of control they had never exercised before marriage (whether it be stuff they are not very educated about... ie. real estate decisions, vehicle choices, ive also seen parents fight due to the opposite choice of foods they feed their children), all of which before marriage, they couldn't care less (and admitted they knew little about these topics).
I've also seen husbands forbidden to talk about their marriage problems to friends, although when they were dating before marriage, it was still 'ok'. So by the chance I have heard my friends open up about it, they must have unloaded 3-5 years worth of pent up marriage frustration.
In recent times, i did meet one divorced woman who was the educated bread winner by far, and the ex-husband was a total dead beat (re both work/finances and as a father). she does get pissed thinking re the progress she lost due to what happens to the finances after divorce, but based on the cases I have seen personally, it was one very rare case... and i suspect he was a deadbeat before/after marriage.
some are divorcing for the reasons you are mentioning, but some just can't (either because of kids, and or kids as well as well as money since in the cases i know my friends are the breadwinners but the laws work against them). For one of my friends, it's not one of the cases where he goes to work but she does a fairly does an excellent job maintaining the home and doing her part for the household. These are cases where after work, he will have to drive around to see what's still open (drive thru) so he can have dinner (while being stressed to check what kind of messages are waiting for him on his phone) as there will be no food at home waiting for him. The house is also a mess despite she doesn't work etc etc etc. The worst part is that these were some of the most focused, intelligent and happy-go-lucky type of guys in their youth... and from their personalities now, they are almost unrecognizable. You can see where I'm going with this.
I've also seen the cases where the couples are what i would consider extremely successful for a young (mid 30s), have significant assets and income (paid off 2m+ homes, cars money in the bank) and instead of finding more balance in life to enjoy more, the wife wants more (even though the husband was the one that lead the household to it's level of success). in the end it all crashes down and ends up in divorce. some (but not all) of these cases the wives have admitted they were ungrateful in retrospect.
Almost in all these cases however, the husbands claim they had no idea the true nature of their ex-wives were this way before marriage and how being married gave their wives a sense of control they had never exercised before marriage (whether it be stuff they are not very educated about... ie. real estate decisions, vehicle choices, ive also seen parents fight due to the opposite choice of foods they feed their children), all of which before marriage, they couldn't care less (and admitted they knew little about these topics).
I've also seen husbands forbidden to talk about their marriage problems to friends, although when they were dating before marriage, it was still 'ok'. So by the chance I have heard my friends open up about it, they must have unloaded 3-5 years worth of pent up marriage frustration.
In recent times, i did meet one divorced woman who was the educated bread winner by far, and the ex-husband was a total dead beat (re both work/finances and as a father). she does get pissed thinking re the progress she lost due to what happens to the finances after divorce, but based on the cases I have seen personally, it was one very rare case... and i suspect he was a deadbeat before/after marriage.
part of living life, is feeling the pain, and the pain is what makes us feel. It does get better
Well said brother. Pain is our best teacher and leaves us with life lessons we never forget especially about ourselves. It’s awakening of the dullnes of life. It’s something that helps keep us grounded and appreciative for the things be have at the present. Imagine how boring life would be if there was no pain, no suffering and no awakening?part of living life, is feeling the pain, and the pain is what makes us feel. It does get better
