How much severance to pay mistress?

[fuji]

For around the past year and a half I've had a sugar style relationship set up with a young civvy woman where we'd go out around once a week, end the evening at her place. I've been supporting her $N/week during this time (regularly, even on the one week a month when she can't put out.) I told her not to rely on this money, but she's reduced her working hours bit by bit over the last while so that if I withdraw now she'll face a bit of difficulty short-term. I have no doubt that mid to long term she could just do what she was doing when I met her. She's not an SP, and doesn't think that this makes one, she's 15 years younger than me, the money "levels the playing field" in her mind (don't argue, I didn't, if it works for her, it works for me too). She doesn't have anyone else like me, never did this before me, and probably won't again, nor does she have a boyfriend, though she probably has dated a few guys over this time, no sign of anything serious. Anyway, no other source of income besides me, no-one else to support her, just me and her now part-time job.

Well now I'm bored, and I'm looking to move on, and find a fresh pair of legs to spread. I don't really think I really owe her anything, I told her I could back out at any time without notice when this began, but I'm not an asshole. When I break the bad news to her, I will leave her with something extra to tide her over for a little while. She's done nothing wrong, it's just that I'd like to try this again with someone else and I can't afford two of them either time-wise or money-wise, so she has to go.

So, how much "severance pay"?

If this were regular employment she'd be entitled to "two weeks notice" at 1.5 yrs, so should I just add an extra two weeks? Some nicer places to work would front a full month.

What do you guys think?

 

[Perry Mason]

This is different.

When I used to do employment law no one ever asked me this question... and I never had to think of it myself.

Paul Simon never mentioned this one, either...

"The problem is all inside your head
She said to me
The answer is easy if you
Take it logically
I’d like to help you in your struggle
To be free
There must be fifty ways
To leave your lover"

...so I guess yours will be the 51st way to leave your lover.


What does the guy in your mirror say when you look at him? That's your best guide.

Let us know how you make out (pun intended).

Perry

 

[kooley]

zero

and just for the record N = ??

 

[Damondean]

Maybe Leasbusters can help here-- LOL -- find someone to take over the arrangement. Barring that, three to six months' worth of what you were paying her. It is best to be generous. She no doubt knows a lot about you and could do you a lot damage.

 

[XTORONTO]

Maybe Leasbusters can help here-- LOL -- find someone to take over the arrangement. Barring that, three to six months' worth of what you were paying her. It is best to be generous. She no doubt knows a lot about you and could do you a lot damage.

If she wanted to stop seeing you would she give you some type of free severence encounters? Save your money, if your feeling generous spend the money on your so.

 

[fuji]

If she wanted to stop seeing you would she give you some type of free severence encounters? Save your money, if your feeling generous spend the money on your so.

Nah, I'm generous enough with my SO. I send her on long vacations so I can play

I don't think treating her like she's running a business is quite right, she really isn't an SP, or at least, doesn't think of herself as one, or think like one, or act like one. Realistically, the relationship is providing about half her income, maybe a little more, now that she's reduced her hours to part-time, so she will be a little bit screwed if I just stop showing up. She'll have to do a job search. I think it's only fair to give her a little time to adjust.

If she cancelled on me, what time do I need to adjust? I can book an SP in about 45min, not much of a hardship on my side really, just lost fun.

 

[XTORONTO]

Let me have her

 

[CapitalGuy]

Either zero or one month's "salary".

The zero is in keeping with your original deal; you do in fact owe her nothing.

But if you want to pay up regardless, one month's salary will tide her over until she finds a different line of work, and the size of the lump payout (given in one shot and for doing nothing) will look impressive when you give it to her.

The risk is that she will be PISSED OFF, in which case no amount of cash will suffice. I suggest you give her the one month's pay, be firm, and walk away clean and quickly. Unless you KNOW that she will take it well, in which case one last evening of fun might be in order, followed by the payout.

 

[fuji]

I'm not worried about the blackmail factor. She has as much to lose as I do, in that all her friends are fairly conservative, her parents are conservative, etc., and it would be a Big Deal if the truth came out for her too. I am planning to break it to her in person after one last evening. Not sure if I will do it this week or next week but it will be sometime soon.

 

[Ben Hogan]

I think a month's renumeration is fair.

 

[Vancouver Femme Fatale]

2 months as a generous guy, 1 month's money at the very least. If you plan to give her 2, suggest 1 first, then say you really don't want her to be short, you really enjoyed your time together and then offer 2, saying that's all you can realistically swing. That seems fair to me and lets her know everything she needs to know.

As rubmeister suggests, if she's not good with money, you may want to give her post-dated cheques or money orders to pay it over time, but I'd still make it the two month's worth in total. I'd suggest you do it in such a way that those cheques/money orders are given to her when you break it off so you don't see her again after that last meeting. Easier and more dignified for all involved.

 

[C Dick]

The key thing is to end it on good terms, not where she is angry and might cause problems. You also want to feel you have done the right thing, which is easier if you are on good terms. Finally, you have to decide whether you want to make your life easier by lying. If angering her is not a problem, it is simpler.

I think the suggestion that you wean her rather than a lump sum is good. Say that you want to end the relationship in future, but she will have time to adjust. But it is not severance, she still gets paid weekly, and puts out. Your excuse could be financial problems, emotional confusion, whatever. Boredom is not an explanation she would really want to hear. It is easier to justify making the weaning time longer, if she is still doing you. And if she decides to pull the plug sooner once you tell her, all the better, then you can give her a bonus and she will be happy to get it.

 

[james t kirk]

Do it like my company does:

1 months working notice.

When they lay people off, they expect them to keep working for the last month. If they fuck around, they get kicked out.

Since this is a business arrangement you have, you could adopt the same attitude.

Then again, maybe she will nut you in your sleep and it's just not worth that either.

 

[Berlin]

What do you guys think?

fuji ,you're a bored womanizing slimeball.

 

[WhaWhaWha]

Well now I'm bored, and I'm looking to move on, and find a fresh pair of legs to spread.

Classic! Gold! Laughing!

I don't really think I really owe her anything, I told her I could back out at any time without notice when this began, but I'm not an asshole.

If this is true then you owe her nothing

When I break the bad news to her, I will leave her with something extra to tide her over for a little while.

Then that just makes you a nice guy, who makes the rest of us look bad

Do it like my company does:
1 months working notice.
When they lay people off, they expect them to keep working for the last month. If they fuck around, they get kicked out.

I would have suggested this arrangement.

 

[goodtime]

Hm, wonder if she'll use you as a reference...

 

[fuji]

Ok so I will start dropping hints that I am going to bring this to an end at some point. Maybe drop hints like that for a month, telling her she better prepare, just in case, and then call it quits giving her another month as a bonus when I finally go. I'll think of some lame excuse. Maybe, "my wife has started to ask what I do until 5am" or something like that. Sounds believable to me.

The downside to that plan is it takes a month and I have some prospects to follow up on. If I start going out two nights a week to 5am my wife really is going to start asking what's up... so this is cramping my style a little now. I already lost one prospect because I wasn't able to follow through with a plan for a date due to time issues. C'est la vie, there are lots of impressionable young women in Toronto.

 

[great bear]

Fuji, how did you find her in the first place?

 

[red]

to answer properly - did she reduce her hours of work at your suggestion or to accomodate your needs? if she did it because she doesn't like the job or working then it makes a difference.


but be careful when you break the news.

 

[Damondean]

Ok so I will start dropping hints that I am going to bring this to an end at some point. Maybe drop hints like that for a month, telling her she better prepare, just in case, and then call it quits giving her another month as a bonus when I finally go. I'll think of some lame excuse. Maybe, "my wife has started to ask what I do until 5am" or something like that. Sounds believable to me.

The downside to that plan is it takes a month and I have some prospects to follow up on. If I start going out two nights a week to 5am my wife really is going to start asking what's up... so this is cramping my style a little now. I already lost one prospect because I wasn't able to follow through with a plan for a date due to time issues. C'est la vie, there are lots of impressionable young women in Toronto.

I think you have to do it quickly. There is no pint dragging it out. It will be a pain all around.

(I still like the Lesebusters idea--LOL).