I didn't think I was addicted.

[LadysMan10]

As naive as it may sound, I honestly thought I could quit this hobby whenever I wanted. Let me start by explaining why I would want to leave this type of life. I've met a fantastic young lady several months ago, she's beautiful, smart, great conversationalist, driven, has a career and she loves me......as I do her. I always thought that once I've met the "one", that I would be completely faithful to her. So far, I've seen one SP and two MPA's and I've just booked another MPA for tonight (review to follow).

I enjoy my GF in every way possible.....physically, sexually, mentally and spiritually, but I always find myself wanting more. I crave the secrecy of it all.....not to mention the obvious perks when participating in this hobby. This hobby and this website is highly addictive and I strongly encourage all those guys out there that are thinking of trying out this hobby, to really think hard and long about what you want and what the circumstances could be. I don't mean NOT to partake, I'm just saying to consider everything before your first visit.

I've had a great time in the past several years, I've met all sorts of fantastic ladies, some of which I may have dated if I met them in a different manner. I do not regret anything I've done, its a way of life.....but now, I'm addicted.

"Hi, my name is LM10.......and I'm a sexaholic and terbaholic".

I can't say that I will retire, because more than likely I will return. But to try and justify my dilemma, I've decided to not see anymore SP's and will only resort to MPA's just for the health factor. Less chance of passing anything on to my SO in this case.

I know I will get bashed for this.....being unfaithful and all.....but I was wondering if anyone else feels this way too. I'm sure there are many reasons why guys hobby, I thought mine was for the companionship......but I was wrong.....I don't really know what lures me back.....I think its the "secret club" that we all belong to, the possibility that we may get caught. I've always been a thrill-seeker, but only in relation to physical activities involving sports.....I think I've taken this to a whole new level......or is it just an excuse????

LM10

 

[booboobear]

As naive as it may sound, I honestly thought I could quit this hobby whenever I wanted. Let me start by explaining why I would want to leave this type of life. I've met a fantastic young lady several months ago, she's beautiful, smart, great conversationalist, driven, has a career and she loves me......as I do her. I always thought that once I've met the "one", that I would be completely faithful to her. So far, I've seen one SP and two MPA's and I've just booked another MPA for tonight (review to follow).

I enjoy my GF in every way possible.....physically, sexually, mentally and spiritually, sports.....I think I've taken this to a whole new level......or is it just an excuse????

LM10

You are not a bad person you just hve a disease . Just kidding of course . Right now I am on a blackjack roll which is ok as long as it lasts but........... Seriously , sounds like you have a great girl and maybe the only reason a lot of us like hobbying is that is takes away all responsibility ... something to think about.

 

[shack]

I can't say that I will retire, because more than likely I will return. But to try and justify my dilemma, I've decided to not see anymore SP's and will only resort to MPA's just for the health factor. Less chance of passing anything on to my SO in this case.
LM10

Not sure if I necessarily agree with that last statement.

Your relationship is fresh and new. What happens when it becomes more, shall we say, routine after a couple of years?

 

[massman]

Indeed, the hobby at first starts as a outlet for pent up desire, and to try out some sexual curiosity. Pretty soon, it takes on a life of its own. Even the thrill of deciding who to see, making the booking and driving up and knocking on the door is addictive. I agree a lot of it is the secrecy and the potential risk that gives the extra buzz. Also the "first date" aspect as well, where you impress and seduce your date (i know, total fantasy, but thats a big part.). Even the most fulfilling relationship can't give you this indefinitely.......

 

[florida]

Addicted to Love

May as well face it, we all have SO's that take care of us emotionally, physically etc but the pure thrill of meeting an SP and without having to wine and dine them, just take your clothes off and have them go after your meat is just too addicting to walk away from. God knows I've spent my kids college fund or more on this activity over the years but I've also had a hell of a time. We only go around once so enjoy the ride.....

 

[petitelover]

This is a great post and raises an interesting issue that I think about a lot. I think it boils down to the fact most men have an insaciable sexual desire and this desire drives them to do certain things right or wrong. For sexual devients and the uncivilized male animal, rape is the only way but for others this forum allows for the exchange of information that civilized men can research and make deicions to satisfy their primal genetic need. I am not condoning or approving of this hobby but trying to make sense of it, if possible. Unfortunately, sex is an addiction and like any addiction it can get out of control. Comments?

 

[pritty_kitten]

i worked in a place once where there was a guy who spent 30grand in a month on these 4 girls. he came in in the morning and stayed till we closed at 4am. he even slept there once. then his girl friend caught him and kept causing these big scenes in the place so we had to tell him not to come back. it was probably for the best because he spent a chunk of his retirement money. the truth is, if you are addicted you gotta try and keep it under wraps so you dont ruin what you have got going for you. honestly, i like it if you spend your money on me, lol, but not if its detrimental to your self. maybe you should try and find something else that stimulates you, besides women. another passion to replace the one that can have serious concequenses. we all have our own little addictions in life. i know i do.

 

[Sam Rothstein]

I am in a similar situation now and wonder how much longer i should be keeping the hobbying on the side. A few days ago me and my new SO had a conversation and she flat out stated that cheating while married would be considered the ultimate disrespect and would break it off/ divorce me if she finds this to have happened.
I found myself agreeing that this would be painful which makes me the ultimate hypocrite. I am mulling all of this over b/f we take any next steps as I feel I need to resolve a big issue with my terbism.

 

[frankcastle]

Hey I can atest to how hard it is to quit hobbying. I used to hobby a minimum of once a week sometimes twice. I can proudly say that it's been since labour day weekend. Have I stopped thinking about it no. The point is that it (quitting) can be done.

My advice, next time you get horny and have that urge jerk off and go home to your girl. Here's one big important difference..... if things go bad in your life who do you think will be there? Your SO or your favourite MPA? If it's the latter...... PM me her name.

Hope you don't mind a bit of humour to go a long with this topic. My point is that is sounds like your GF is really great and it would be a shame to lose her because you can't wait for her and keep it in your pants.

Maybe you want guys to tell you that it's not cheating. I won't be that person..... in the past I might have said that it wasn't cheating..... but that was just some sort of rationalization..... if I had a commitment with the girl I was dating I'd be pretty upset if she was getting eaten out or what not with another guy.

 

[petitelover]

A dancer once told me that the majority of guys she meets in a SC are married and she has no respect for them. She calls them "FU**ERS" that deserve to have there money taken away from them either by her or the guys wife. Ouch! That was the last time I saw her!

 

[MarkII]

Maturity brings a conscience. And maturity tells us not to think with the little head.

I love this "dark side" but I have had a lot of problems justifying to myself why I would cheat on a woman who cares so much for me. Yes it is cheating. If your SO saw a male escort would you let it slide?

I've determined I like the person in the mirror who doesn't stray. The one who said I do and meant it.

It's easy to ignore promises and responsibilities. But thats not me and it bothered me a lot while hobbying. It's been about a year for me and I really don't miss it.

 

[steveng]

i tried to quit so many times before but never succeeded. whenever i saw new pictures posted by my favorite agency, i had a strong urge to try them. however, during the past year, i did slow down quite a bit. used to see at least one sp a week, 4 a month, but now once in a while. first money is one issue. second, i felt rather emptyness after sleeping with them. IMO, there's no complete way to stop this hobby until one day you catch a disease or get caught by the gf or wife. just my 2 cents

 

[mitch35]

Need a second hobby.

Perhaps you can do something positive like create web pages or something else that allows you to feel attached but detatched.

 

[fuji]

If your SO saw a male escort would you let it slide?

Yes I would. But I'd be pissed off at her for being careless enough to let me find out about it. Similarly, I think if my wife found out some of the things I've done she would be more pissed off at me for letting her find out, than for doing it.

Some things require discretion, and a failure to provide that discretion is a real failure. Discretion is a two way street--sometimes it's important to know when NOT to pry. My wife knows how to do that, and so do I. You and yours apparently haven't learned that lesson yet.

Why would I let it slide? Why would she? Because at the end of the day we've both been around the block enough times to know that sex really means nothing in the big scheme of things. My relationship with my wife is not so weak that some male escort is a threat to it or me. Nor is some SP or MP any real threat to my wife. I'd let it slide because it's just plain not a threat.

What's a threat? If she had some guy that she'd fallen in love with and was telling all her secrets to, but was not sleeping with "because she's married" or some such. That guy is a threat to my marriage, similarly, if I had some girlfriend I loved spending time with but never had sex with "because I'm married" my wife should worry. That stuff will kill your relationship. Sex on the side without love or emotion won't.

In my opinion the only way in which SP's/MPA's/SC's threaten a marriage is financial--if you aren't able to limit yourself to a budget under which you can provide for your family the things that they deserve, now and in the future, then you're over the line, and you need to get control of your behavior. Sleeping with SP's, having a mistress or a non-serious GF on the side, none of that prevents me from having a valid emotional relationship with my wife, and so long as it doesn't interfere with our financial plan, I'm satisfied that I'm doing what I should be.

Sure it's cheating, but so what? I'm not trying to live up to your ideal. I'm living a full life, with real people, real objectives, and real expectations. I think as a result my marriage is likely stronger than any idealist "I said I do and I meant it" crap--my wife and I are going to survive whatever comes our way, because we're realistic, practical people. I said I do too, and I meant it, but I didn't mean something unrealistic by it when I said it. I meant something practical and real.

If you preach that ideal too loudly then there will come a day when something happens that doesn't fit your rules, and you will be backed into a corner with no way out. Strict adherence to rules like that has a way of putting you in a straight jacket where you're forced to walk away from someone you love as a matter of principle. That's so wrong.

 

[FatOne]

Yes I would. But I'd be pissed off at her for being careless enough to let me find out about it. Similarly, I think if my wife found out some of the things I've done she would be more pissed off at me for letting her find out, than for doing it.
...

It is easy to say, but for most people who speak as you do, the reality would be very different.

You might be an exception, or not.

 

[athaire]

Yes I would. But I'd be pissed off at her for being careless enough to let me find out about it. Similarly, I think if my wife found out some of the things I've done she would be more pissed off at me for letting her find out, than for doing it.

Some things require discretion, and a failure to provide that discretion is a real failure. Discretion is a two way street--sometimes it's important to know when NOT to pry. My wife knows how to do that, and so do I. You and yours apparently haven't learned that lesson yet.

Why would I let it slide? Why would she? Because at the end of the day we've both been around the block enough times to know that sex really means nothing in the big scheme of things. My relationship with my wife is not so weak that some male escort is a threat to it or me. Nor is some SP or MP any real threat to my wife. I'd let it slide because it's just plain not a threat.

What's a threat? If she had some guy that she'd fallen in love with and was telling all her secrets to, but was not sleeping with "because she's married" or some such. That guy is a threat to my marriage, similarly, if I had some girlfriend I loved spending time with but never had sex with "because I'm married" my wife should worry. That stuff will kill your relationship. Sex on the side without love or emotion won't.

In my opinion the only way in which SP's/MPA's/SC's threaten a marriage is financial--if you aren't able to limit yourself to a budget under which you can provide for your family the things that they deserve, now and in the future, then you're over the line, and you need to get control of your behavior. Sleeping with SP's, having a mistress or a non-serious GF on the side, none of that prevents me from having a valid emotional relationship with my wife, and so long as it doesn't interfere with our financial plan, I'm satisfied that I'm doing what I should be.

Sure it's cheating, but so what? I'm not trying to live up to your ideal. I'm living a full life, with real people, real objectives, and real expectations. I think as a result my marriage is likely stronger than any idealist "I said I do and I meant it" crap--my wife and I are going to survive whatever comes our way, because we're realistic, practical people. I said I do too, and I meant it, but I didn't mean something unrealistic by it when I said it. I meant something practical and real.

If you preach that ideal too loudly then there will come a day when something happens that doesn't fit your rules, and you will be backed into a corner with no way out. Strict adherence to rules like that has a way of putting you in a straight jacket where you're forced to walk away from someone you love as a matter of principle. That's so wrong.

Your soooo right. I couldn't have said it better I'm in the same boat as you my friend. And my wife knows about my hobby,she doesn't like it but understands. As you said as long as the financial aspects of my marriage are met no probs.

 

[fuji]

It is easy to say, but for most people who speak as you do, the reality would be very different.

You might be an exception, or not.

If it happened that either my wife or I caught the other having a one-night stand or sleeping with an SP we'd have a big fight. It'd go on for a few weeks. One of us might decide to sleep on the couch for awhile. There is a difference between accepting "sex for its own sake means nothing" in the abstract, and being able to put an actual place, time, name, and maybe face to it.

It wouldn't break us up, though. Time would go by. We'd mend the fences. It would not change anything about our hopes and dreams for the future, our plans, our friendship, or our ability to work together as a couple. I think you fall in love with people you're attracted to, and with whom you can dream about a future that you want. We'd still have that, so we'd survive it.

Here is what could be a problem though: if it happened a few times eventually the line "I didn't think you would find out" will wear thin. It may be that sex for its own sake is meaningless, but you have a real valid expectation in a marriage that your partner will look out for your feelings. If you're reckless and careless and indiscrete you'll wind up hurting them repeatedly, and that implies that you didn't care about them--if you did care, you'd have been more careful, more discrete, more concerned about the impact on your partner. THAT can threaten dreams and expectations.

So be discrete.

 

[Viewer]

Yes I would. . . .
.
<snip>
.
... Strict adherence to rules like that has a way of putting you in a straight jacket where you're forced to walk away from someone you love as a matter of principle. That's so wrong.

Fuji, that was an amazingly astute post. I agree with everything you said about casual sex vs. emotional intimacy with someone else, and about the value of having realistic attitudes toward it all.

What's really nice for me is that my wife also agrees with your comments on casual sex not being a threat to the marriage. She knows I hobby and encourages me. And I have encouraged her in exploring 'extra-curricular' activities.

 

[james t kirk]

I am in a similar situation now and wonder how much longer i should be keeping the hobbying on the side. A few days ago me and my new SO had a conversation and she flat out stated that cheating while married would be considered the ultimate disrespect and would break it off/ divorce me if she finds this to have happened.
.

We must be dating the same woman.

I have started dating a woman as of the end of September, so it's pretty new.

I have been TRYING my best to be the faithful BF. It hasn't been easy. Like the original poster my new GF has it together. She's tall, slim, pretty, accomplished in her work, fantastic in the bedroom (no quite as uninhibited as I would like, but she NEVER says no, is very giving, orgasmic, extremely accomplished at giving oral, etc.)

Like you, she has told me in no uncertain terms that if I cheat, she's gone. (I haven't asked her if she considers MPs cheating or not, but I think I already know the answer.)

Anyway, prior to meeting her, I would visit a massage parlour perhaps twice a month. To me, it's the thrill of the new body. I love women's bodies (I know that sounds like I think of them as purely sex objects, which isn't true, however, from a purely animalistic point of view....) I love the differences between women's bodies, the difference between the breasts, the vulva, the legs, ass, face, as well as the differences in their sexual abilities. Going to a MP allows you to experience this variety as often as you want with some very very beautiful women. (And frankly, if you are hard up, it's a very good outlet. Toronto would be a very scary place if all the hard up guys had no outlet.)

My rationalization has always been that as long as I am single, and everyone is of age and consenting, life is short. (It really is.) Stangely, about 6 months prior to this woman I am seeing now coming along, I was dating another woman with whom I always knew that she wasn't "the one" material since she didn't want kids (already had), didn't want to get married, had a few other issues, blah blah blah. Anyway, I never stopped going to MPs during the time I saw her, though, it was probably reduced as a result of having a very willing sexual partner. (I have no doubt that if you are dating a very sexual woman, your desire to visit a professional is greatly reduces since your sexual needs are being met, however, there is that variety thing.)

Anyway, since committing to THIS relationship, I have been FIGHTING the urge to visit a MP.

There have been 3 lapses in that time. (However, in my defence, each of those instances were in periods of times where we had had a stupid arguement. (Long story, but she acted really childishly on 2 occasions and I told her that I would NOT tolerate such behaviour. In short, we were on a week long break on both occasions.) (Her childish behaviour frankly is the ONE very big red flag that I have with her.))

I was like a moth to flame and right back at the MP. It was like I had been green lighted to delve back into the hobby.

In either regard, the fight continues.

 

[james t kirk]

Yes I would. But I'd be pissed off at her for being careless enough to let me find out about it. Similarly, I think if my wife found out some of the things I've done she would be more pissed off at me for letting her find out, than for doing it.

Some things require discretion, and a failure to provide that discretion is a real failure. Discretion is a two way street--sometimes it's important to know when NOT to pry. My wife knows how to do that, and so do I. You and yours apparently haven't learned that lesson yet.

Why would I let it slide? Why would she? Because at the end of the day we've both been around the block enough times to know that sex really means nothing in the big scheme of things. My relationship with my wife is not so weak that some male escort is a threat to it or me. Nor is some SP or MP any real threat to my wife. I'd let it slide because it's just plain not a threat.

snip

If you preach that ideal too loudly then there will come a day when something happens that doesn't fit your rules, and you will be backed into a corner with no way out. Strict adherence to rules like that has a way of putting you in a straight jacket where you're forced to walk away from someone you love as a matter of principle. That's so wrong.

Excellent post.

Now if you can only convince all of the women out there.