I was stood up by a female friend

[stinkynuts]

Important

Is everyone familiar with the ladder theory of male/female relationships? It's supposed to be accurate, let me know what you guys think.


Here's a quote from ladder theory:

(diagram of two ladders with a big barrel (labeled abyss) under them)
The first thing to notice here is that a woman has not one ,but two ladders. This is becasue in addition the normal ladder, a woman also has a friends ladder. The friends ladder is where a woman puts guys that she considers "just friends". More to the point where she puts guys who don't get to have sex with her.

The problem arises because a woman never lets a guy know which ladder he is on. Obviously there is a huge difference, or gap between these two ladders. It is in this gap that kisses of death are delivered and intellectual whores are made. All a man can do is "go for it" and make a move on a girl; ask her out, try to kiss her, write her a love note or whatever. If he's on the good ladder fine. If he is on the friends ladder this is a case of ladder jumping. The man is trying to jump the gap from the friends ladder to the real ladder. The girl has two choices at this point: she can let him on the ladder and all is well, or, more likely, she can kick him in the head, and off the ladder. If you look you'll see that below the ladder is the Abyss(what was it Nietzsche said about a man being on a rope stretched over an Abyss?....well it's worse than he thought; there is no rope.) So the man falls into the Abyss. The Abyss isn't really as bad as it sounds. Mostly it's a period of self-loathing, embarrassment, and of course utter awkwardness with the girl in question if they are talking at all.


The entire theory can be found here:
http://www.intellectualwhores.com/masterladder.html

 

[xarir]

Sorry to hear that story - it really sucks stinkynuts.

Having said that, I think it's clear that by not showing up she sent you a message. Move on.

 

[stinkynuts]

More from ladder theory:

"To fully illustrate the point I'll now examine some common scenarios and their ladder theory explanations. For purposes of these examples Tom will be our boy and Jane will be out girl.

Scenario 1: Tom meets Jane. She's pretty and seems interesting to talk to. Tom and Jane start haging out and talking more and more. Tom develops an attraction to Jane, and one day tries to kiss her. Jane tell Tom she doesn't think of him that way and she wants to remain friends. The next few weeks contact between the two falls off. Jane starts fucking an outlaw biker.

Ladder Theory Explanation: Tom met Jane. Tom was immediately placed on the friends ladder. Tom didn't know this. Tom tried to jump ladders. Jane kicked Tom in the head rather than let him on and sent him hurtling to the Abyss below. The oulaw biker was not on her friends ladder (they never are) but rather on her good ladder.



Scenario 2: Tom meets Jane. She's cute and seems smart. After an appropriate amount of time he asks her out on a date. She acccepts and they have what seems to be a perfectly nice date. Tom thinks he has a chance with Jane. He asks her out again. She says no, either explicitly or by never returning his phone call. Tom has no idea what the Hell just happened. Jane starts fucking an unemployed alcoholic.

Ladder Theory Explanation: Jane misrepresented which ladder Tom was on. He thought he was on the good ladder because of her acceptance of the date. Mistake. This led to an unintentional ladder jump. He was kicked into the Abyss. In this situation, Jane often wants to stay friends becasue you are so interesting and funny or some shit like that. If this happens you are most likely an Intellectual Whore. I'm sorry. This is most likely to be a ninja-bitch.



Scenario 3: A girl says any of the following to you:

"You're like a brother to me"
"You're like a big teddy bear"
"I feel like I can talk to you about anything"
"You're so nice"
"Can you help me with my homework"

Ladder Theory Explanation: You are on the friends ladder. So Sorry.


You can see that a lot of problems can be avoided(though sadly not problem two) by declaring as soon as possible to a girl that you will not be friends under any circumstances. You can explain that she is too attractive or you can be blunt and say you don't want to bend your "friends" over a table and fuck them, but would rather play poker and go to the races with them, thus disqualifying her from friendship. As long as you are clear. This may scare a girl away. But if it does what would you want with such a skittish little twit anyway?

Next we'll explore some of the consequences of the ladder and applications in every day life."

 

[Keebler Elf]

"The best way to never score with a woman is to show too much interest in her."

Bingo.

"Clinging to the bottom are the girls that are wolf ugly. These are women so ugly you would chew your own arm off to get away rather than fuck them. Usually fake teeth, or the loss of several hundred pounds can move a woman up from wolf ugly."

LMFAO!!!

That was a very entertaining read. I dunno how much of it I agree with, but it does have some very valid points. In short: be an asshole.

 

[stinkynuts]

Sorry to hear that story - it really sucks stinkynuts.

Having said that, I think it's clear that by not showing up she sent you a message. Move on.

Thanks for your consolation, xarir, very much appreciated. I will try to move on, time does heal all wounds.

 

[buckminster]

Dude, she don't want you. She knows you have feelings for her and she does not know how to handle hurting your feelings, so she avoids you, thats all it is, nothing more. Lots of girls are cut that way, get used to it. You just found out you have been giving love to the wrong person. Find someone that wants it, shes out there.

 

[Jamaica-luvr]

Stinkynuts....

Wash them...they stink...chicks don't like smelly groins...lol..

Seriously..I've been down this road before....to my discredit, too many times...

Best advice my Dad gave me...."women are like buses. miss one...catch the next one...." &

"the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else..."

Or...face the hard truth...she snowed you, she's a bee-atch, and it's her loss....

Remember the old sports saying..."are you hurt, or are you injured....methinks you're just hurt, so WALK IT OFF!!!"

 

[n_v]

I'm not sure if this post is serious or not, just like her inviatation to meet her tonight.

That post by Spode was one the best on this board, or any for that matter. Do not give her the satisfaction of having her know she is on your mind. Let her call and play it cool like Spode says. It's weird, but when you ignore them, then they can't leave you alone. Heck she did that to you and it worked.

 

[Geographic]

Sameo Sameo

Yeah a few years back the same sort of thing happened to me. I was at a firm were things were very political. The girl and I were like "lovers in a dangerous time". I fell for her and I knew she had feelings for me. But she had all the attributes I try to avoid in a girl. SHe was tall, blonde had big breasts but was very religious and very close to her family. The latter two things I try to avoid in a girl.

I finally left the firm and alluded to meeting her outside of the firm. jShe at first seemed receptive to it but after I left, the spell seemed to be broken. We conversed via phone for a bit then only by email for a while. I made sure I would answer each time she emailed me. THe first time she did not reply to my email I knew that was the end of it and have never heard from her again.

It was sad but I knew the writing was on the wall even before I left the firm but of course it is not easy to just turn off the feelings. I was hoping for a "love removal machine"

 

[stinkynuts]

Sorry to hear of your experience, Geographic. But I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one and that you can relate.

I don't know what bothers me the most: the rejection, the way she set me up, or the fact that people can be so callous.

It's made me even more cynical, and that's saying a lot. Yes, lesson learned, move on. But there are some emotions that are out of my control, and time can be the only thing assuages my wounds.

 

[stinkynuts]

By the way, the last thing I did was send her this text message, after getting home:

"No hard feelings, good luck with your dreams. Take care."

 

[WhaWhaWha]

This is a person I did so much for, and treated with so much respect. I was ready to give anything for her.
She could have text-messaged me something like: "I'm sorry, I feel like we can longer be friends. I hope you understand."

Are you looking for satisfactory closure, renewed trust within a friendship, or restored romance with this person? In any case youare not going to get any of those things. Just heartache. Take it from soneone who did manage to corner a former gf into providing satisfactory closure after treating me the same way.

In the end it was not worth the ordeal I/we had to go through to get there. For her part she finally admitted that it would have been easier to be upfront rather than resort to ditching and she wished she could go back and correct it and so on. I used what little thread of contact we had left and personal information to blackmail this "satisfaction". I knew her vulnerabilities and in the end believing there was nothing left to salvage, friendship or relationship wise, I used them to put her at a disadvantage. Now we no longer talk at all. And it was all for nothing because even when it was happening, I knew her regrets and apologies were forced.

So if you aren't out to "punish" this girl as I was, leave it alone.

 

[Spode]

Ok, I can get over being rejected as a friend.

But don't you guys think the way she went about it was cheap and disgusting?

This is a person I did so much for, and treated with so much respect. I was ready to give anything for her.

She could have text-messaged me something like: "I'm sorry, I feel like we can longer be friends. I hope you understand."

stinky,

Whether her acts were cheap and disgusting is not your problem. I know that emotions interfere when dealing with the fairer sex, but please trust me and what others have to say. Not because any of us have more experience than you, but because we have the benefit of not having our thoughts clouded.

If in fact she stiffed you, which I can say reasonably with a high level of confidence, than why would you want to hang with someone like this. This is what is going to happen. She will eventually recieve you vmails and probably come to the conclusion that what she did was justified as you did not get the hint. After no follow up calls from you, she will most likely call you after a week or two, once she realized you have moved on. She'll be thinking, maybe he's not obsessed and maybe this just rolled right off his back. Then she will call you and state "hey where have you been?" and "what the hell happenned that night?" At which point you will have to excuse yourself from the conversation as you are busy at the moment. And then at this point, she's out of your life.

But please maintain your dignity

 

[stinkynuts]

stinky,

Whether her acts were cheap and disgusting is not your problem. I know that emotions interfere when dealing with the fairer sex, but please trust me and what others have to say. Not because any of us have more experience than you, but because we have the benefit of not having our thoughts clouded.

If in fact she stiffed you, which I can say reasonably with a high level of confidence, than why would you want to hang with someone like this. This is what is going to happen. She will eventually recieve you vmails and probably come to the conclusion that what she did was justified as you did not get the hint. After no follow up calls from you, she will most likely call you after a week or two, once she realized you have moved on. She'll be thinking, maybe he's not obsessed and maybe this just rolled right off his back. Then she will call you and state "hey where have you been?" and "what the hell happenned that night?" At which point you will have to excuse yourself from the conversation as you are busy at the moment. And then at this point, she's out of your life.

But please maintain your dignity

Well, if she ever does call, I can tell you she will not receive a warm response, to say the least. But I will try to go out with dignity and class, as you said. Thanks for yor take on this matter.

 

[ray liotta]

Yes, move on. Lots of fish in the sea. Do not give her the satisfaction of knowing how much she upset you. Obviously she is an insincere jerk, can't even work up the courage to tell you she can't or won't meet you.

Do you want to hang out with someone like that?? Of course you don't.

You learned a good lesson about her and the kind of person that she is.

So good luck..

 

[Svend]

I'm guessing that you creeped her out a bit, but that's no excuse for a no-show.
Don't call her, move on, the next woman might click with you.

 

[i_am_good]

...do you need closure?...

Ok, so I guess our friendship we had was worth throwing away because she didn't want a hassle. I don't know about the rest of you, but I don't treat my friends that way. Anyone who can treat a human being with such disregard and disrespect for the sake of their own convenience lacks any morals. I'm glad I found out early on, and pity anyone who enters a relationship with her.

...if so,...call her and tell her you need closure...that you want to air everything out...that there are some things you need to talk about...she could have been nicer...but then again, sometimes it's best to yank the bandaid right off...what was it about you that made her nervous?...did you creep her out?...how did you two meet?...what are you quitting?...did you ever give her money?...

 

[n_v]

Oh God let this thread die. Move one and forget about it. If she calls she calls if she doesn't she doesn't.

 

[Asterix]

stinkynuts,

That you are obsessing about this is probably a part of your character this woman picked up on. No quicker way to drive a woman away. Like I say, they sometimes seem to know us better than we do ourselves.

 

[stinkynuts]

...if so,...call her and tell her you need closure...that you want to air everything out...that there are some things you need to talk about...she could have been nicer...but then again, sometimes it's best to yank the bandaid right off...what was it about you that made her nervous?...did you creep her out?...how did you two meet?...what are you quitting?...did you ever give her money?...

I don't know if I need closure, I don't think she'll be honest. No, thankfully, I never gave her any money, although at one point I did offer to have one of my friends pay off her credit card debt so that she could arrange to pay him back at a low interest rate.

The one question I would like to ask her is "why?". That is it. But it doesn't make a difference. The bottom line is that she thought I was not worth keeping as a friend, and so conveniently ditched me without caring how I would feel. She knew she would no longer have to see me at work and be accountable for her actions.

This experience has taught me that many friendships are fake, and that people are only using you for their benefit. Once you no longer have what they want, you are, in their eyes, worthless, and to be disposed of.

If you were in a car accident, lost your job, and became paralyzed, how many of your "friends" would still go out with you and be by your side?