It's a long story, but to keep it simple, us being best friends is one of the most important things to me. There is no one else that I connect better with and have better conversations with. He never asks to borrow money from me. Even if I offered, he would say no. I guess that certainly proves that he's not best friends with me to get money. We always have a great time when we hang out, and I do make sure that we go to places and do things that he can afford. However, things are simply getting worse for him, including him resorting to a job that he had in high school to make ends meet. In the mean time, I am continuing to rake it in, though I admit I'm no millionaire (yet). I don't want our friendship to be ruined in any way, because, like I said, it is so very important to me. I try to avoid hanging out too much with friends that I know he could not mingle with. That's a start at least. How would you guys handle this situation? Is there anything special that should be done here?
I'm getting richer, while my best friend of 25 years is getting poorer.
- Thread starter hyperdog
- Start date
Are you financially able to help him out?
If so, I'd say give it to him in a way that he can't refuse. Via a family member or putting it somewhere for him or taking care of a monetary issue that's stressing him. You don't have to even say where it comes from. Sometimes people are too stubborn or proud to ask for help from close loved ones (AND people they admire and respect), even when they really need it. He may accept it, if he thinks it didn't come from you.
In my opinion, seems like he looks up to you too and probably wants to make something of himself, by himself. Good ol testosterone. Teamwork makes the dream work. He may never understand that, but sometimes even easing the pressure a bit can help boost morale.
If so, I'd say give it to him in a way that he can't refuse. Via a family member or putting it somewhere for him or taking care of a monetary issue that's stressing him. You don't have to even say where it comes from. Sometimes people are too stubborn or proud to ask for help from close loved ones (AND people they admire and respect), even when they really need it. He may accept it, if he thinks it didn't come from you.
In my opinion, seems like he looks up to you too and probably wants to make something of himself, by himself. Good ol testosterone. Teamwork makes the dream work. He may never understand that, but sometimes even easing the pressure a bit can help boost morale.
Assuming you are both in similarly qualified in equivalent or the same field, help him to get past the roadblock.
Counsel him, advise him. If he's only qualified for jobs that no longer exist, help him get into a line of work that may not be glamourous, but pays better than average. You know the specifics better than anyone what he can and should do, moreso than anyone reading this thread.
Be the brother he needs to help him find his own success. If he doesn't want your charity, then he still has his self esteem and work ethic-that's a positive place to start from.
KMG365
Counsel him, advise him. If he's only qualified for jobs that no longer exist, help him get into a line of work that may not be glamourous, but pays better than average. You know the specifics better than anyone what he can and should do, moreso than anyone reading this thread.
Be the brother he needs to help him find his own success. If he doesn't want your charity, then he still has his self esteem and work ethic-that's a positive place to start from.
KMG365
That's one thing I never thought of. After 25 years of being best friends, is he smart enough to figure it out?
Yeah, I offered that, but for reasons I cannot discuss here, I cannot offer his wife to move in. So he has chosen to live alone with her, though she is unemployed and the bills are really too high for him. I can't think of what job I need done for me.
NEVER ever ever lend a friend money. Especially if there's a chance they cannot or will not pay it back. Friendship over, guaranteed. I have never seen that work and in one case, it was 10 years before the guy got paid back and his buddy never even seemed to care about it. They knew each other 20 years and now they don't talk anymore.
If you give him money, you have to make it a gift and never expect it back, but even then, most guy's ego won't let that slide and resentment will build on one side or the other. He needs to get his act together and get a JOB. If you can help in other ways, do so.
If you give him money, you have to make it a gift and never expect it back, but even then, most guy's ego won't let that slide and resentment will build on one side or the other. He needs to get his act together and get a JOB. If you can help in other ways, do so.
Short term pain he may experience but over the long term he will be better off if you give him the space and respect to deal with his circumstances in his own fashion.
Good friends are hard to find...let alone keep...I have a small circle of close friends who and will do anything for me..as I would do for them....no questions asked..regardless of the circumstances....
Sit him down...thank him for being your friend as long as he has ...and pass an envelope to him and just say...
If you are truly my friend...you will accept this....no comments..no thanks needed...just take it and use it as you need it..
I've done it many times...to the tune of 1000's...with NO expectations of getting it back....
I always tell them...Friends help their friends...No matter what
Sit him down...thank him for being your friend as long as he has ...and pass an envelope to him and just say...
If you are truly my friend...you will accept this....no comments..no thanks needed...just take it and use it as you need it..
I've done it many times...to the tune of 1000's...with NO expectations of getting it back....
I always tell them...Friends help their friends...No matter what
Actually, he does owe me a few grand. But that was from long, long ago. He hasn't borrowed money from me, nor asked for any, in many years now. I actually don't expect him to pay me back, simply because he might not ever need to. I know him well enough that he would pay back if he could. He also knows me well enough to know that I don't care much about the money he still owes me (otherwise I would be calculating the interest he owes me).
If it was my best friend of 25 years I'll just let him move in, it'll be like college again. You are probably married so you can't do that but trying to find him better opportunities is pretty good too. If his problem is debt then find out what caused it and if it was just bad fortune/one time thing then loan him money to pay it off. Be prepared to not see any of this money coming back though.
The best and most important thing to do is to make it be known that no matter what he still has you as his best pal and that you are there for him to the death (not really but u get my point). That to a man is worth more than gold.
You might end up doing something with unforseen circumstances and the friendship ends. Its ok, happens all the time, you did your best.
The best and most important thing to do is to make it be known that no matter what he still has you as his best pal and that you are there for him to the death (not really but u get my point). That to a man is worth more than gold.
You might end up doing something with unforseen circumstances and the friendship ends. Its ok, happens all the time, you did your best.
Im actually on the other end in a similar situation.
Im not doing too bad for myself. I lead a comfortable life and dont have any financial concerns. My best friend of over 30 years is just killing it though. Nice house, paid off. Fancy car x 2. Finest spirits, cigars, and constant dining at top restaraunts...always travelling. Very happy for him and wish I had that life sometimes. When we go out, we'll usually pay for certain things, but in the end he always pays more. I'll buy the beers, then he gets the pricier shots. He'll pay the the cab/uber but i'll pay for the gluttunous drive thru food. He'll buy the Leafs tix and I pay for some drinks etc etc
Im not doing too bad for myself. I lead a comfortable life and dont have any financial concerns. My best friend of over 30 years is just killing it though. Nice house, paid off. Fancy car x 2. Finest spirits, cigars, and constant dining at top restaraunts...always travelling. Very happy for him and wish I had that life sometimes. When we go out, we'll usually pay for certain things, but in the end he always pays more. I'll buy the beers, then he gets the pricier shots. He'll pay the the cab/uber but i'll pay for the gluttunous drive thru food. He'll buy the Leafs tix and I pay for some drinks etc etc
If you want to help your friend out, give him an opportunity. Find a business where you can be in partnership with him.
That way he will not feel like you are giving him charity.
That way he will not feel like you are giving him charity.
I'm going to buck the trend.
Don't change anything. Accept him for who he is and let him sort his own life out. Don't lend money. Don't get him to move in. Don't hire him.
Give him the kind of good honest advice you give friends, recommend him to any job you honestly believe he would do well. If you can use any connections to give him an edge do that like you would for any friend, but let him be the one to succeed or fail on his own.
But it's his life and your friendship is based on something other than your career or money. Let it be what it is.
If he asks for money you could help him out but he hasn't asked and if he does it's likely going to erode your friendship, though you should still help if he asks, with an outright no strings gift.
The idea that your friends have to be from your same income bracket is bullshit.
Don't change anything. Accept him for who he is and let him sort his own life out. Don't lend money. Don't get him to move in. Don't hire him.
Give him the kind of good honest advice you give friends, recommend him to any job you honestly believe he would do well. If you can use any connections to give him an edge do that like you would for any friend, but let him be the one to succeed or fail on his own.
But it's his life and your friendship is based on something other than your career or money. Let it be what it is.
If he asks for money you could help him out but he hasn't asked and if he does it's likely going to erode your friendship, though you should still help if he asks, with an outright no strings gift.
The idea that your friends have to be from your same income bracket is bullshit.
I agree with that. They say that money changes who you are and who you hang out with, but if I won a lottery and he became a street bum, he will still be my best friend.
I was going to write about the same thing as fuji. And really, this is what hyperdog was asking advice on. How to maintain his friendship in light of their differing and diverging circumstances. NOT how he can equalize finances etc.
I have friends that are wildly more successful than I am, in just about every way. And I have friends that are much less successful than I am. And we all get along based on the individual circumstances or each of our friendships and mutual interests. Not based on who is more successful or richer etc. Some might invite me to some interesting event in Europe and fly me and someothers there in their private plane, some invite me to a family bbq in a park and serve frozen burgers and Costco sheet cake. I invite each friend to whatever I might find interesting for us and what is within my means. As a result, I think my greatest success in life is having many, many really good friends from so many different walks of life.
My advice to you hyperdog is to simply continue to enjoy your friend's company and friendship in whatever way it evolves. If you want to go out for dinner, or to an event that you think you'd both enjoy... then buy the tickets and invite him as your guest. Don't make a big deal of who is paying and if it comes up just say something like you are just happy that he has the time to spend with you!
Be authentic, cool and generous within your means when it comes to enjoying time and friendship. Don't try to rescue, save or fix him. If he needs help and you can afford to help, then do so with the satisfaction you are helping your friend.
I lived in a small town once. In a small town you make friends with the people who you share common interests with. Maybe you like to play cards, maybe you like jogging. You are going to hang out with the card players and the joggers. And in a small town that will only be a handful of people and they certainly won't have the same kind of job or the same kind of education or income. One guy might be the town's mayor and another guy might be the school janitor and another one a shop keeper and they become your friends because you all like playing cards or whatever.
It's only in a city that you can even imagine trying to line up income level, educational background, and interests all in the same group of people.
It really should be normal for your friends to come from all walks of life, but in big cities a weird mentality sets in about sticking with people who are as much like yourself as possible. I find that suffocating.
It's a stupid bullshit social rule that you should break every chance you get.
It's only in a city that you can even imagine trying to line up income level, educational background, and interests all in the same group of people.
It really should be normal for your friends to come from all walks of life, but in big cities a weird mentality sets in about sticking with people who are as much like yourself as possible. I find that suffocating.
It's a stupid bullshit social rule that you should break every chance you get.
Yes. I've been on both ends of a friendship where one had more money than the other and we'll do things like this.
If I have more money then I will pay for dinner, drinks, etc. and when I have been struggling they will do the same for me. Different than a loan. Lending money can get messy.
To the OP, maybe you can do things like take him out for dinner or drop by his place with a pizza to make sure he has enough to eat. Invite them over for a barbeque/dinner and send them home with leftovers.
Maybe buy him a (practical) gift card or two. Be generous with him at Christmas. Buy him a metropass but lie and say you found it on the sidewalk. (It's a good white lie). Little things like that can help out a lot.
I agree with Fuji as well.
You don't need to change anything.
I have an uncle who had this lifelong friend from chilhood who wasn't doing so well because he was an alcoholic.
Anyway, this uncle let his chilhood friend live in a second cottage he owned up north rent free for like 12 years or so because they were like brothers.
But after 12 years or so the uncle decided he wanted to put the cottage on the market and sell it;so, he asked the friend to move out.
But the friend obtained a legal injunction blocking my uncle from selling the cottage.
Basically the court decided that after so many years my uncle owed his friend " a duty of care" and he was not allowed to sell the cottage and had to continue allowing his friend to live there rent free until he died.
Needless to say uncle was royally fuming about the situation because he's about 73 and wants to put all his affairs in order but he's being blocked by the friend.
You don't need to change anything.
I have an uncle who had this lifelong friend from chilhood who wasn't doing so well because he was an alcoholic.
Anyway, this uncle let his chilhood friend live in a second cottage he owned up north rent free for like 12 years or so because they were like brothers.
But after 12 years or so the uncle decided he wanted to put the cottage on the market and sell it;so, he asked the friend to move out.
But the friend obtained a legal injunction blocking my uncle from selling the cottage.
Basically the court decided that after so many years my uncle owed his friend " a duty of care" and he was not allowed to sell the cottage and had to continue allowing his friend to live there rent free until he died.
Needless to say uncle was royally fuming about the situation because he's about 73 and wants to put all his affairs in order but he's being blocked by the friend.
I agree with Fuji and the others.
Leave the situation alone. Continue to offer advice but don't do it every time you get together. No one wants to be preached to.
It sounds like he has two main problems
1) unemployed wife
2) limited job prospects
There's not much you can do about either.
Just continue to be friends, hang out and be there for each other. By being conscious of not putting him in awkward situations I think you are already doing the best you can.
Leave the situation alone. Continue to offer advice but don't do it every time you get together. No one wants to be preached to.
It sounds like he has two main problems
1) unemployed wife
2) limited job prospects
There's not much you can do about either.
Just continue to be friends, hang out and be there for each other. By being conscious of not putting him in awkward situations I think you are already doing the best you can.
I make more money than almost all my friends, sometimes the difference is more than 10x. They know I make this much but the thing with my friends is that when they know someones better than them they will only see it as a challenge and when that guy is their friend they only see that as a plus.
I don't go out of my way to flaunt. I still wear the same clothes I got 5 years ago when I visited my uncles factory, some have shrunk but I don't care, I still wear them. I don't drive a fancy car either. Whenever we go out it's to a nice middle class place and we each pay our split. I also never talk about money with them, only funny or interesting ways to make money. They come from rich families though but not all.
Acting rich is a pain, even if I was super rich I would still prefer a middle class lifestyle with some secret luxuries here and there. Middle class people and just how fun they are is just too much to give up. My point is that there is no need to let others know about your success as this polarizes people. It makes men jealous, envious, embarassed, proud, happy, inspired, hate... You lose friends and stuff too and attract the wrong people.
I don't know what you can get from my post but here it is nonetheless.
I don't go out of my way to flaunt. I still wear the same clothes I got 5 years ago when I visited my uncles factory, some have shrunk but I don't care, I still wear them. I don't drive a fancy car either. Whenever we go out it's to a nice middle class place and we each pay our split. I also never talk about money with them, only funny or interesting ways to make money. They come from rich families though but not all.
Acting rich is a pain, even if I was super rich I would still prefer a middle class lifestyle with some secret luxuries here and there. Middle class people and just how fun they are is just too much to give up. My point is that there is no need to let others know about your success as this polarizes people. It makes men jealous, envious, embarassed, proud, happy, inspired, hate... You lose friends and stuff too and attract the wrong people.
I don't know what you can get from my post but here it is nonetheless.
