Is monogamy really possible??

[peeler_feeler]

I was raised in a relatively religous home. My parents were simple people. They DID NOT BELIEVE in DIVORCE. Marriage is sacred to them.

These days as I ponder life, my 15 year marriage, the family, and my addiction to this hobby I wonder if monogamy is a "normal" state for human relationships?

I wonder if I were not married would I miss my spouse?

Would I feel less guilty participating in the hobby without a spouse?

Perhpas I need a spouse who would agree to an open relationship; an alternative swinger lifestlye?

Or maybe I should try harder to make the monogamy thing work.

 

[MojoRisin']

I dont think you can or should have to WORK at monogamy. You either want it or you dont. If you have to struggle each day to stop yourself from straying then you are with the wrong person i believe. YES monogamy is possible with the right couple.

 

[Wong@Laundryman]

I dont think you can or should have to WORK at monogamy. You either want it or you dont. If you have to struggle each day to stop yourself from straying then you are with the wrong person i believe. YES monogamy is possible with the right couple.

But one can also interprut that "struggle eah day to stop oneself from straying" as duty and responsibility of a husband and or father. Remember, some define duty as something you don't really want to do but must do.

 

[Wong@Laundryman]

Monogamy is possible if you want it bad enough, just like anything else. With so much temptation it's just tough. Is it desirable is another question.

Doing cardio wasn't a normal desire for me. I hated it, and only made 1 lap around the track the first time. Now i can run a half marathon no problem.

If your desire is strong enough, anything is possible.

Some psychologists regard sex as a basic human need. Yet, how come then, can monks and other religious people "skip" this basic human need and reach things higher up on the hierarchy?

 

[peeler_feeler]

The Marriage Trap - A new book wrestles with monogamy and its modern discontents.
By Meghan O'Rourke

The link discusses the book briefly:

http://slate.msn.com/id/2087897/


If marriage is such a natural state then why is divorce so common? Is it because society now accepts divorce? Is it because people don't want to work at their relationships?

 

[MojoRisin']

But one can also interprut that "struggle eah day to stop oneself from straying" as duty and responsibility of a husband and or father. Remember, some define duty as something you don't really want to do but must do.

I dont believe being a husband should be a "duty". A duty as you say can be described as something you dont really want to do but must do. Why must you be a husband to someone you dont want to? Being a father brings in many others things to consider but we are talking monogamy between man and woman. I have duties at work, i dont want "duties" in a relationship. And i dont mean taking out the garbage. lol

 

[drlove]

While monogamy is possible, it is certainly not natural. Men produce millions upon millions of sperm continuously until the day we die, which are not all pointed in the general direction of any one female. reference: Gene Simmons

Men are hard wired to want to have sex with as many women as possible, while women on the otherhand desire a single, faithful partner for security - I.e. going back to our prehistoric ancestors: caring for her offspring.

It is society, through the creation of institutions such as marriage that has fostered the idea of monogamy. Nature, IMO, intended something different. Does this example sound familiar??

A man and a woman are walking through a crowded shopping mall holding hands. A tall blonde in a short skirt strolls by.... the man can't help but turn his head to get a second look, to the chagrin of his SO - who then proceeds to give him hell for it.

I rest my case.

 

[Wong@Laundryman]

I dont believe being a husband should be a "duty". A duty as you say can be described as something you dont really want to do but must do. Why must you be a husband to someone you dont want to? Being a father brings in many others things to consider but we are talking monogamy between man and woman. I have duties at work, i dont want "duties" in a relationship. And i dont mean taking out the garbage. lol

"Why must you be a husband to someone you dont want to?"

There could be many reasons besides love. It could be for resources, family alliances, etc. etc. Or just for the great sex but there is no love. You may think that in our modern and developed society, a couple indulges in one another because of love and love alone. But I refuse to agree with you.

"... but we are talking monogamy between man and woman ..."

By nature, and I when I say nature I mean instinct nature (LOL), women look for the best genes and a partner with resouces to supply not just for herself but also her offsprings. And by nature, men go around spreading their seeds around to have as many offsprings as possible. Yet, it is our humaness, civilization and a sense of duty that binds the relationship between man and women. I mean, the women can be carrying Mark's baby but is married to Jim for his resources. And Jim may think Jane loves him but she doesn't. But Jim doesn't know this. Yet, Jim think Jane is a great fuck and thinks he is dominant in the relationship when in reality, Jane is because she made Jim raise another man's child without him knowing it.

Sometimes, the telling of a lie isn't that bad to sustain a "monogomous" relationship.

 

[galt]

While monogamy is possible, it is certainly not natural. Men produce millions upon millions of sperm continuously until the day we die, which are not all pointed in the general direction of any one female.

Men are hard wired to want to have sex with as many women as possible, while women on the otherhand desire a single, faithful partner for security - I.e. going back to our prehistoric ancestors: caring for her offspring.

It is society, through the creation of institutions such as marriage that has fostered the idea of monogamy. Nature, IMO, intended something different. Does this example sound familiar??

A man and a woman are walking through a crowded shopping mall holding hands. A tall blonde in a short skirt strolls by.... the man can't help but turn his head to get a second look, to the chagrin of his SO - who then proceeds to give him hell for it.

I rest my case.

However, there are a number of species on this earth that only have a single mate throughout thier lives (and no I don't mean the black widow spider or the praying mantis). The bald eagle and trumpeter swan are two examples.

From a human perspective, monogomy is a choice. Maybe we are not wired for it. I was married for seven years before my wife passed on but we were together for nine years prior to marriage. I never WANTED to cheat. Did I notice that there were gorgeous women out there? Sure I did, in fact my wife and I would often point out a member of the opposite sex to each other and discuss whether we appreciated each other's taste lol. (No we were not into nor did we ever explore the swinging lifestyle. We were just always very honest with each other)

I've really not had a serious interest in being with anybody else. I didn't then and I haven't since and that was almost eight years ago. At this point it's not a matter of monogomy, it's just a matter of never finding someone that I've felt I could care for as much

 

[MojoRisin']

"Why must you be a husband to someone you dont want to?"

There could be many reasons besides love. It could be for resources, family alliances, etc. etc. Or just for the great sex but there is no love. You may think that in our modern and developed society, a couple indulges in one another because of love and love alone. But I refuse to agree with you.

"... but we are talking monogamy between man and woman ..."

By nature, and I when I say nature I mean instinct nature (LOL), women look for the best genes and a partner with resouces to supply not just for herself but also her offsprings. And by nature, men go around spreading their seeds around to have as many offsprings as possible. Yet, it is our humaness, civilization and a sense of duty that binds the relationship between man and women. I mean, the women can be carrying Mark's baby but is married to Jim for his resources. And Jim may think Jane loves him but she doesn't. But Jim doesn't know this. Yet, Jim think Jane is a great fuck and thinks he is dominant in the relationship when in reality, Jane is because she made Jim raise another man's child without him knowing it.

Sometimes, the telling of a lie isn't that bad to sustain a "monogomous" relationship.

I guess we view love life and marriage in completely different ways. I dont begin to believe that marriage is based on love and love alone. There are many cultures that deal with things much differently than the North American way. Im making my commentst based on the "typical NA rleationship" for thats who i am and can relate to. Family alliances and resources are not typical reasons for marriages in NA. or maybe thats just in my world.
As far as your Mark, Jim,Mary and Jane scenerio, Ill comment on that after i read it 4 or 5 more times....lol But we like everyone have different takes on life, love, marriage etc. Its not a bad thing, but to each his own

 

[Wong@Laundryman]

... "typical NA rleationship"...

I have spoken to some of my NA female friends and some have said "bread over love" or "marry a rich man and have a pool boy for love" ... LOL ...

How about John Bassett and Isabel Bassett or Jack Layton and Olivia Chow or John Jerry and his Heinz wife LOL!!!

"Nothing is new under the sun" - Plato

 

[lickrolaine]

sex versus love

so here we are 2004 and the same old North Amercan atitude about sex,lol.Imagine how the rest of the developed world must look at us.We view drinking,drugs as a recreation,plus a hoard of other things,but sex?no way,it can't be a recreation,can it?Why not?

If x likes sex once a week (average) and y likes it four times a week,one of these is going with out.No prob you say,well,if there was more people having the sex they wanted,and needed,society would be way better off,period.

Oh,emotions you say,well what emotions are attached to any of the other so called recreational activities?If love=sex and sex=x+y then there is big problem if x and or y are not interested in sex.They can still love each other without any sex,or with lots of sex,sex and love do not equal each other,so the above formula is wrong and we need to get over it in order to view sex for what it really is,fun,fun,fun.

an old Scottish saying:" have a go at'her Harry,the wife likes yea"

 

[lickrolaine]

sex versus love

so here we are 2004 and the same old North Amercan atitude about sex,lol.Imagine how the rest of the developed world must look at us.We view drinking,drugs as a recreation,plus a hoard of other things,but sex?no way,it can't be a recreation,can it?Why not?

If x likes sex once a week (average) and y likes it four times a week,one of these is going with out.No prob you say,well,if there was more people having the sex they wanted,and needed,society would be way better off,period.

Oh,emotions you say,well what emotions are attached to any of the other so called recreational activities?If love=sex and sex=x+y then there is big problem if x and or y are not interested in sex.They can still love each other without any sex,or with lots of sex,sex and love do not equal each other,so the above formula is wrong and we need to get over it in order to view sex for what it really is,fun,fun,fun.

an old Scottish saying:" have a go at'her Harry,the wife likes ya"

 

[Mao Tse Tongue]

Funny long-winded responses to this question on a board that is practically built on negating monogamy LOL

 

[Chivas Regal]

Funny long-winded responses to this question on a board that is practically built on negating monogamy LOL

I guess we are all searching...eh Moa?

Chivas Regal

 

[gala]

Obviously there are people who have successful, happy, monogamous relationships, so the answer is "Yes, it's not only possible, it's pretty common." That doesn't mean it is possible for *you*, people are different. There are happy, successful, non-monogamous relationships too.

As for marriage and divorce, that's a different question. I think they should both be difficult to get: It ought not be so easy to get married, and it ought not be so easy to get divorced. I think the reason there are so many divorces is a combination of people getting married who never should have, plus people taking the easy way out of relationships that could work if they bothered to try.

In my opinion, people who want open relationships, or the option of walking out, should opt for common-law relationships. Marriage should really be about "for better or for worse" and the one thing I like about the Catholic church is what they do here: they won't marry you unless you enroll in classes to learn how to get along in a marriage, and they require your engagement period to be at least a year to make sure you are serious about it. They make divorce tough too, but by making marriage equally tough they give couples a fighting chance of not needing a divorce.

If you're not THAT willing to commit to someone then just move in together and live common-law. I did that with my wife for four years before we married, and as a result I felt pretty confident about our chances when we actually did marry officially.

Note again the marriage/divorce question, in my mind, is separate from the monogamy issue. Some married couples won't mind a little extra on the side, others won't stand for it. People are different.

 

[Kaelyn]

It is a choice you make to be married or not. I believe that if you make the choice to marry someone, than you are committing to them 100% including being 100% monogamous. Sure, there are couples who have agreed to have an "open" relationship but that is something they have both agreed to do.

The world is a much different place today. It is no longer frowned upon to remain single or unmarried. If you question your ability to be monogamous then maybe you should choose to not be married... unless you can find a partner who AGREES to live in an open marriage.

 

[drlove]

it's pretty common.

As far as you know.

 

[drlove]

I believe that if you make the choice to marry someone, than you are committing to them 100% including being 100% monogamous.

Hmmmm... now tell me again, how many hobbyists on this board are married??? Guess commitments don't mean much these days. Again, monogamy is like abstinence; it doesn't work.

 

[DenWa]

I love the justifications endlessly made by those who are attached but still fool around...especially the claim that it's biology's fault. The root of the problem isn't the sex, it's the deception. If you have an open relationship, that's great. If you're married for reasons other than love and there's an open understanding, then that's great I suppose. But if you're in the arms of another woman while you're unsuspecting wife is at home with the kids, then you're deceiving her, and all of your justifications don't mean shit. I'm sure she would be crushed to know the truth. If you want to bang other chicks and you can't be honest with your wife you shouldn't be married, kids or no kids. It's wrong to make a fool out of your spouse, and that's what you're doing when you cheat.

Some will argue it's not that cut and dry, but unless your wife has a medical condition and she is physically unable to have sex, then it is that cut and dry. Be honest.