Loveless marriages
- Thread starter shakenbake
- Start date
IS it happening to you?
This topic already covered this year.
Check youtube for video which explain the reasons.
One comment said - As simple as Bullying or X health.
This topic already covered this year.
Check youtube for video which explain the reasons.
One comment said - As simple as Bullying or X health.
I don't know what people are looking for when it comes to marriage.
people want to much these days. there is no such thing as a perfect marriage.
Kids(if anyone still has them)might get some love. Husband? Probably not.
You are correct I seen where people have kids just so the kids will take care of them once they are old, while not giving emotional love - as opposed to financial necessity; I am providing for the kid don't need to give more.
People are not taught anything about life in school or by parents. It's like each person to their own instincts. Survival of the fittest.
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This is very true. Unless there are narcissistic parents.
Depends what you mean by loveless or love for that matter.
Sex? Intimacy? Companionship? Romantic passion? Caring gestures?
The nature of what counts as "love" in a relationship evolves with time.
So is someone who is married for 40 years going to feel the same way about their wife they felt in their 1st year of dating? Most likely no.
Does that mean they are not in love? Most likely no to that as well.
However I do think atleast 1 in 4 marriages may count as "loveless" considering our divorce rates and a few surveys and studies I have read about over the years.
Sex? Intimacy? Companionship? Romantic passion? Caring gestures?
The nature of what counts as "love" in a relationship evolves with time.
So is someone who is married for 40 years going to feel the same way about their wife they felt in their 1st year of dating? Most likely no.
Does that mean they are not in love? Most likely no to that as well.
However I do think atleast 1 in 4 marriages may count as "loveless" considering our divorce rates and a few surveys and studies I have read about over the years.
A few points:
The old saying "Marry in haste, repent at leisure..."
The best you will ever be treated by your mate will be during the courting period and right up until marriage. After marriage the best you can hope for is the continued same amount of effort from your spouse, especially during the "honeymoon" period of whatever duration. But most likely there will be an eventual relaxation of effort. The amount of effort both parties offer to each other will probably deteriorate over the years. This is where compatibility and areas of mutual enjoyment will help the relationship to survive.
I read study in "Psychology Today" magazine many years ago where they looked at long term marriages, say 40 years or more. They expected to find people who had settled into comfortable, if not passionate, mutually supportive and enjoyable partnerships. Instead, what they found for the most part, were people with unresolved resentments and anger towards each other, who were just staying together because of the fear of being absolutely alone at their ages.
Assuming you stay monogamous, the "one dish on the menu" sex will tend to get boring within a few years, and unless a lot of effort is given by both parties to spice things up, the desire for sex with your spouse will likely diminish, sometimes to no sex at all. As often as not, it will be the male who loses interest first.
The happiest marriages are those without children. Much more time, energy, and money available for each other. And a lot less to fight about.
That said, I don't think it is in a male's interest to get married unless the couple wants children. Too much to lose given that over 50% of marriages end in divorce, and that statistic doesn't include people who are so unhappy in their marriages that they would get divorced, but can't afford to, or are staying together for the kids. And, as far as I know, the courts still favor women in divorce settlements, especially if they have children under 18, and have been homemakers since having them.
Most married guys I have spoken to on the matter, say that, after a few years of being married with children, the family "totem pole" has the wife at the top, then the kids, then the dog, and the husband at the bottom...
The old saying "Marry in haste, repent at leisure..."
The best you will ever be treated by your mate will be during the courting period and right up until marriage. After marriage the best you can hope for is the continued same amount of effort from your spouse, especially during the "honeymoon" period of whatever duration. But most likely there will be an eventual relaxation of effort. The amount of effort both parties offer to each other will probably deteriorate over the years. This is where compatibility and areas of mutual enjoyment will help the relationship to survive.
I read study in "Psychology Today" magazine many years ago where they looked at long term marriages, say 40 years or more. They expected to find people who had settled into comfortable, if not passionate, mutually supportive and enjoyable partnerships. Instead, what they found for the most part, were people with unresolved resentments and anger towards each other, who were just staying together because of the fear of being absolutely alone at their ages.
Assuming you stay monogamous, the "one dish on the menu" sex will tend to get boring within a few years, and unless a lot of effort is given by both parties to spice things up, the desire for sex with your spouse will likely diminish, sometimes to no sex at all. As often as not, it will be the male who loses interest first.
The happiest marriages are those without children. Much more time, energy, and money available for each other. And a lot less to fight about.
That said, I don't think it is in a male's interest to get married unless the couple wants children. Too much to lose given that over 50% of marriages end in divorce, and that statistic doesn't include people who are so unhappy in their marriages that they would get divorced, but can't afford to, or are staying together for the kids. And, as far as I know, the courts still favor women in divorce settlements, especially if they have children under 18, and have been homemakers since having them.
Most married guys I have spoken to on the matter, say that, after a few years of being married with children, the family "totem pole" has the wife at the top, then the kids, then the dog, and the husband at the bottom...
So true. The totem pole describes how I feel. As for love vs passion vs sex, there is no feeling, respect, consideration left. It goes beyond what Shaquille said about defining what love is.
I guess I'm one of the fortunate ones. It really hit home how good things are during the pandemic. We were lucky mind in that we were not financially affected. But we really didn't have any issues. We planned, looked at it as us vs the world. Made each other laugh, binged shows, cleaned the house,and didn't fight.
We have settled in over all to a great partnership. We talk all the time, disagree on some politics, debate with vigor, but never anger. Chores are long ago settled and divvied up. Planning for the future settled.
Having realistic expectations is a key part of it, and flexibility in changing plans and rolling with the punches. B
We have settled in over all to a great partnership. We talk all the time, disagree on some politics, debate with vigor, but never anger. Chores are long ago settled and divvied up. Planning for the future settled.
Having realistic expectations is a key part of it, and flexibility in changing plans and rolling with the punches. B
Sounds like you’ve got a solid relationship. If you don’t mind me asking, why are you hanging around this forum then? Are you still actively hobbying?
There is simply a huge couples / marriage industry in the world.
Most marketing is geared towards it, making it easy to forget how many singles, including lifelong ones, exist.
I am always kind of amazed at how much discussion there is on John message boards about dating sites, with so few success stories.
This lady does a nice job of writing about the not insignificant number of lifetime single folks. It is not bad reading since the increased economic power of women and the need for more education to get a good job has resulted in a greater percentage of the population being single than ever before.
Home - Bella DePaulo
Explore the world of Bella DePaulo, PhD - the leading voice on single life, TEDx speaker, and author. Discover the single experience.
belladepaulo.com
Bella never writes much about sex work. Obviously, sex work is a part of the singles subset. I would venture a guess that most single guys see sex workers, and logic would have it that most sex workers are single, or at least not in a heterosexual marriage.
Then you have to decide why you're staying together. Is it because of financial reasons because you'll get fleeced if divorced, staying together because of kids and/or religious reasons etc. If none of this matters, then why stay together and turn into a bitter, unhappy older person. Pay the smaller(?) price of divorce for your freedom, happiness and mental wellbeing...and all the SPs you want to celebrate with, without having to worry anymore.
LTO_3
Understandable. I've seen it happen to many people I've known. They ended up being more like roommates, doing their own thing (for the most part).
LTO_3
I got divorced for the second time in 2020, at the age of 74. Finally much less tension in my life.
I see my kids and a few friends, hobby a bit, and am generally free and happy!
A bad marriage is not supposed to be a life sentence with no chance of parole...
