My Children come first......Really?

[Diode]

A week or so ago we were discussing work/family life, and a few members wrote that "family" or children always come first.
Let's flesh this out a bit. Of course kids need love and support. They need mom and dad, and they need your time.
However, when the kids "needs" trump all, are you providing them a dis-service?
When kids always come first..at your house, do you wind up raising spoiled brats who won't have a chance when real life hits?
Or a when you indulge your kids endlessly, do you offer them an idylic childhood that gives them the ability to truly spred their wings and fly?

 

[papasmerf]

A week or so ago we were discussing work/family life, and a few members wrote that "family" or children always come first.
Let's flesh this out a bit. Of course kids need love and support. They need mom and dad, and they need your time.
However, when the kids "needs" trump all, are you providing them a dis-service?
When kids always come first..at your house, do you wind up raising spoiled brats who won't have a chance when real life hits?
Or a when you indulge your kids endlessly, do you offer them an idylic childhood that gives them the ability to truly spred their wings and fly?

you are correct

starting tomorrow they are going to work

No let's face it we all ant out kids to have it better then we did. BTW our parents wanted that for us too.

 

[Diode]

you are correct

starting tomorrow they are going to work

No let's face it we all ant out kids to have it better then we did. BTW our parents wanted that for us too.

Sure. Better is good. Is easier, good?

 

[papasmerf]

Sure. Better is good. Is easier, good?

We only appreciate what we earn.


We only cherish what we work for.

 

[Coach]

The vast majority of couples I knew/know who put their kids first are divorced. When you marry your spouse comes first.Of course you make sure the kids are fed & clothed, and as babies their needs are obvious. However kids who 'come first' become spoiled and lazy, and Mom & Dad end up drifting apart.
It has been said that the best thing a father can do for his kids is love their mother.

 

[RTRD]

I think...

A week or so ago we were discussing work/family life, and a few members wrote that "family" or children always come first.
Let's flesh this out a bit. Of course kids need love and support. They need mom and dad, and they need your time.
However, when the kids "needs" trump all, are you providing them a dis-service?
When kids always come first..at your house, do you wind up raising spoiled brats who won't have a chance when real life hits?
Or a when you indulge your kids endlessly, do you offer them an idylic childhood that gives them the ability to truly spred their wings and fly?

...what you are saying (and implying) is dead on.

I have told my wife REPEATEDLY (because she often forgets) that the absolute greatest gift she could give our son is a happy mother...so she should focus on herself and being happy as often as she can without denying him what he needs to get by.

I know for me personally I very much try to give my kid absolutely every ounce of myself in the moment, but I also do not go overboard with trying to always endulge or coddle him 24 / 7. In other words, when I am "Daddy", I try to be the absolute best Daddy I can be (for example, on Saturday's which is "his day" with me without Mom...so she can recharge), but when I am "MLAM", well, he has to accept that what he wants (versus needs - his needs are always a priority) isn't necessarily at the top of my list. Want to play trucks? Ok...AFTER Daddy finishes watching PTI. Want to go get ice cream? Ok...AFTER I finish my status report.

I do try to do for him / give him what I can when I can when I don't see harm...to that degree he is certainly more "spoiled" than I was as a child. I figure since we have the ability and means, if I don't see harm, why not? But I also am pretty stern with him when his behavior doesn't meet expectations, and again, I always try to let him know that Mommy and Daddy are people too...and sometimes we want to make ourselves or each other a priority.

I think people who lose themselves...or worse, each other...catering to their kids do indeed to them a disservice, because as you say, life will not coddle them in that manner, and besides, how is that teaching them to live a well rounded and balanced life (starting with learning to live with disappointment, and learning patience?).

I wonder just how many homes ended up broken because either the husband or wife forget they were a spouse before they became a parent...and a s a result neglicted their partner to the point of losing them...?

 

[RTRD]

Damn...

The vast majority of couples I knew/know who put their kids first are divorced. When you marry your spouse comes first.Of course you make sure the kids are fed & clothed, and as babies their needs are obvious. However kids who 'come first' become spoiled and lazy, and Mom & Dad end up drifting apart.
It has been said that the best thing a father can do for his kids is love their mother.

...you beat me to it...

 

[Diode]

Right you are...

...what you are saying (and implying) is dead on.

I have told my wife REPEATEDLY (because she often forgets) that the absolute greatest gift she could give our son is a happy mother...so she should focus on herself and being happy as often as she can without denying him what he needs to get by.

I know for me personally I very much try to give my kid absolutely every ounce of myself in the moment, but I also do not go overboard with trying to always endulge or coddle him 24 / 7. In other words, when I am "Daddy", I try to be the absolute best Daddy I can be (for example, on Saturday's which is "his day" with me without Mom...so she can recharge), but when I am "MLAM", well, he has to accept that what he wants (versus needs - his needs are always a priority) isn't necessarily at the top of my list. Want to play trucks? Ok...AFTER Daddy finishes watching PTI. Want to go get ice cream? Ok...AFTER I finish my status report.

I do try to do for him / give him what I can when I can when I don't see harm...to that degree is is certainly more "spoiled" than I was as a child. I figure since we have the ability and means, if I don't see harm, why not? But I also am pretty stern with him when his behavior doesn't meet expectations, and again, I always try to let him know that Mommy and Daddy are people too...and sometimes we want to make ourselves or each other a priority.

I think people who lose themselves...or worse, each other...catering to their kids do indeed to them a disservice, because as you say, life will not coddle them in that manner, and besides, how is that teaching them to live a well rounded and balanced life (starting with learning to live with disappointment, and learning patience?).

I wonder just how many homes ended up broken because either the husband or wife forget they were a spouse before they became a parent...and a s a result neglicted their partner to the point of losing them...?

I love being a dad, and in fact Hate it, when I have to be strict...but.....
I want kids that can stand on their own two feet, without breaking down at the slightest challenge.
Thats what I meant before about people becoming "wimps"
People, well men, used to seek out adventure, and they might be away from the family for weeks, months, years......Were they bad parents?

I feel too many people have grown up ( not not really grown up) with a negative idea regarding work.
People want handouts...they want soft work....they want to be home at 5pm.
What kind od example does this set for your kids? You want softtees?
Or you want "go-getters"?

 

[Svend]

People, well men, used to seek out adventure, and they might be away from the family for weeks, months, years......Were they bad parents?

Yes, they were.
If they're not there for basic support or to keep the kids in line then they aren't doing their job. I'd guess if someone else was taking their place, that's okay but the father isn't being a parent and they are setting a poor example.
Like Carcharias says, balance is good.

 

[Berlin]

Very good thread guys.

Raising kids to be a typical Type A personality may be beneficial at work, but it can be a real problem at home. Besides, studies suggest that kids are "hard wired" before they're even born.

Balance is crucial. Hard driving at work (when it calls for it), relaxed at home with the wife & kids (because home isn't, nor should it be, modelled after a military installation), with enough focus to get the job done but lots of room for forgiveness and grace.

I have never, ever heard of a person who, on their deathbed, said, "Damn, I should have spent more time at the office."

Agree.

 

[mmouse]

That's why you need to have at least 2 kids. Then you can put them first and they won't get spoiled.

 

[healer677]

Let me ask a hypothetical question.

This is a question I've often asked classes I've taught and it gives you a clear insight on people:

In a motor vehicle accident, you have a child and his/her mother as victims. As the father, you are given the choice. Because you are in a rural hospital -they only have enough resources to one patient. Who do you choose and why.

 

[Diode]

Raising kids to be a typical Type A personality may be beneficial at work, but it can be a real problem at home. Besides, studies suggest that kids are "hard wired" before they're even born.

Balance is crucial. Hard driving at work (when it calls for it), relaxed at home with the wife & kids (because home isn't, nor should it be, modelled after a military installation), with enough focus to get the job done but lots of room for forgiveness and grace.

I have never, ever heard of a person who, on their deathbed, said, "Damn, I should have spent more time at the office."

Yes, yes yes...Balance in all things. But look at some parents who act like they are administrative assistants to their kids. Drive 'em here, drive 'em there. Bet not too many people said on their deathbed "Wish I spent more time in a freezing hockey arena"
Many parents don't Balance well. They sacrifice hobbies, free time, advancement at work, to feed their children's little ego's and make them the center of the universe.
I think its a mistake.

 

[Diode]

Yes, they were.
If they're not there for basic support or to keep the kids in line then they aren't doing their job. I'd guess if someone else was taking their place, that's okay but the father isn't being a parent and they are setting a poor example.
Like Carcharias says, balance is good.

I disagree. Back then people took these dangerous jobs because it was a way to feed their family. Not being educated, or of the upper class, they took risks to provid e for their family. That I consider good parenting.

 

[Diode]

What a child needs and what a child wants are two completely different things. You spoil a kid when you take everything they want and make it seem as tho they need it. A child does not need a PS2. It is nice, it can help them learn responible time management, independent play etc. But he doesn't NEED it. He NEEDS love, shelter, food, clothes, education, etc.

If a parents knows and follows this type of thinking NEEDS VRS WANTS, you get a child how will make something of themselves. If you don't, you get a spoiled little brat who grows up with an "entitlement" factor.

KWI

Right. And a kid doesn't need his dad to be at every house league game.
Sometimes dad has to miss these things to provide a good home.

 

[RTRD]

As a matter of fact...

Let me ask a hypothetical question.

This is a question I've often asked classes I've taught and it gives you a clear insight on people:

In a motor vehicle accident, you have a child and his/her mother as victims. As the father, you are given the choice. Because you are in a rural hospital -they only have enough resources to one patient. Who do you choose and why.

...the wife and I have had this discussion (in various forms) many times.

We both agree that we should save or son, on the presumption that he is not able to save himself. He depends on us, and has his entire life ahead of him. My spouse is an adult...and while it would be tragic for her to lose her life at such a (relative) young age...she has led a full one until this point. Young Teen...Single Woman.....Married Lady.....Mother....Daughter....Sister. She has lived each of the phases of life that a woman passes through, though her time as a Married Lady and MOther have been short.

I would save my kid.

Understand though, that DOES NOT mean I put him "ahead" of her. Indeed, it is probably more the other way around, for the reasons I have given.

 

[Diode]

Let me ask a hypothetical question.

This is a question I've often asked classes I've taught and it gives you a clear insight on people:

In a motor vehicle accident, you have a child and his/her mother as victims. As the father, you are given the choice. Because you are in a rural hospital -they only have enough resources to one patient. Who do you choose and why.

This really has nothing to do with spoiling a child.
If I save the child, he goes through life motherless, with a widower father, both suffer a crushing loss.
If I save my wife, then the couple suffers the most terrible fate imaginable.
It's hard to answer, but I think the child would have to come first.
That's the way I'd want it if my wife had to choose between me and my kid.
The real challenge wold be If you could save only one of your children...who would want to be faced with that.

 

[RTRD]

Again...in summary...

Yes, yes yes...Balance in all things. But look at some parents who act like they are administrative assistants to their kids. Drive 'em here, drive 'em there. Bet not too many people said on their deathbed "Wish I spent more time in a freezing hockey arena"
Many parents don't Balance well. They sacrifice hobbies, free time, advancement at work, to feed their children's little ego's and make them the center of the universe.
I think its a mistake.

...the greatest gift I can give my kid is a happy mother and father.

No point in spending more "time" with him if I resent it or if I am miserable.

Balance indeed...my kid benefits from having a parent who works from home (me) which means we get to have lots of short intervals of time together when he is home from school. My kid gets his father's undivided attention (for the most part) ALL DAY on Saturdays...my kid gets a private Montessori school education...he got a mother who stayed at home with him for a year, and a father who did the same. He has one of his grandparents living under the same roof as him to spoil him rotten.

He has no shortage of love and attention. He doesn't need to have his every whim further indulged.

Shit, the M-R-S and I were just discussing this morning how perhaps we OVER indulge him based on some very recent behavior...

He won't die if I take a week to go on a golfing trip, or don't drop everything everytime he wants something from someone...and you better fucking believe that as soon as his ass is old enough to take out garbage and shovel snow he'll be doing it. Extra money for PS3? I tell you what...I got a buck for every one you've got...so how many have you saved / earned?

We used to live in Forest Hills....the shit I'd see people give their kids was just AMAZING. I once overheard a conversation in the local corner bakery / resturant where a young brat ass teen girl was complaining that her parents had purchased her a 3 series BMW instead of the Mercedes convertible she wanted that one of her friends had. Fuck...by comparison the first car I ever drove of on a regular basis I OWNED...my mother needed her car to get to work and frankly didn't trust me driving it.

 

[longjohn50000]

Wife First

When my wife was alive, she came first, even before our children. She was my mate for life.

Long John

 

[Rose]

When I was a kid my folks were farmers, what they gave was security, trust, and love--they worked hard-later owning 2 small businesses besides the farm. If I wanted to spend time with them during the day I learned to work with them-it was a good way to live--parents give their kids way way too much today to compensate for what needs to be given--a sense of security and discipline in their lives-that does not mean buying the kid everything in the store! The kid in many cases have become the parent a very sad thing.