Subject: Frank's Chilli Taste Test
Ref:Chilli Judge Frank
NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better. For those of you who may have lived in Texas, you know how true this is!
They actually have a chilli cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome! You will likely want to read this behind closed doors because, if you are like me, you will be howling out loud.
INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER
Notes from an Inexperienced Chilli Tester Named FRANK, who was
visiting
Texas from the East Coast: "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a chilli cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon, when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chilli wouldn't be all that
spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event:
>
>> ____________________________________________________
> CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
> JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
> JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
> FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried
> paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I
hope
> that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
> ________________________________________________________
> CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
> JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
> JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
> FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what I am
> supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to
> give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when
they
> saw the look on my face.
> ________________________________________________________
> CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
> JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chilli! Great kick. Need more beans.
> JUDGE TWO: A beanless chilli, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
> FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like
I
> have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now get me
more
> beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone
is
> in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the
beer.
>
>
> ______________________________________________________
> CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
> JUDGE ONE: Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing.
> JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or
> other mild foods, not much of a chilli.
> FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste
> it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was
standing
> behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look
HOT
> just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chilli an aphrodisiac?
> ______________________________________________________
> CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
> JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding
> considerable kick. Very Impressive.
> JUDGE TWO: Chilli using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit
> the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
> FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
can no
> longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
> fucking paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chilli
> had given me brain damage. Sally saved my fucking tongue from bleeding by
pouring
> beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips
off?
> It really pissed me off that the other judges asked me to stop
screaming.
> Fuck those rednecks!
> _______________________________________________________
> CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
> JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of
spice
> and peppers.
> JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic.
> Superb.
> FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
> sulphuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will
eat
> through the fucking chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
Sally.
> Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
> __________________________________________________
> CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
> JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned
peppers.
> JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
> chilli peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am
worried
> about Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
> cursing uncontrollably.
> FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't
> feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like
> it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chilli, which
slid
> unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to
match my
> fucking shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me.
I've
> decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Fuck it, I'm not
getting any
> oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch
hole
> in my stomach.
Ref:Chilli Judge Frank
NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better. For those of you who may have lived in Texas, you know how true this is!
They actually have a chilli cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome! You will likely want to read this behind closed doors because, if you are like me, you will be howling out loud.
INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER
Notes from an Inexperienced Chilli Tester Named FRANK, who was
visiting
Texas from the East Coast: "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a chilli cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon, when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chilli wouldn't be all that
spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event:
>
>> ____________________________________________________
> CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
> JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
> JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
> FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried
> paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I
hope
> that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
> ________________________________________________________
> CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
> JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
> JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
> FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what I am
> supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to
> give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when
they
> saw the look on my face.
> ________________________________________________________
> CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
> JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chilli! Great kick. Need more beans.
> JUDGE TWO: A beanless chilli, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
> FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like
I
> have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now get me
more
> beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone
is
> in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the
beer.
>
>
> ______________________________________________________
> CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
> JUDGE ONE: Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing.
> JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or
> other mild foods, not much of a chilli.
> FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste
> it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was
standing
> behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look
HOT
> just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chilli an aphrodisiac?
> ______________________________________________________
> CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
> JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding
> considerable kick. Very Impressive.
> JUDGE TWO: Chilli using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit
> the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
> FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
can no
> longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
> fucking paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chilli
> had given me brain damage. Sally saved my fucking tongue from bleeding by
pouring
> beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips
off?
> It really pissed me off that the other judges asked me to stop
screaming.
> Fuck those rednecks!
> _______________________________________________________
> CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
> JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of
spice
> and peppers.
> JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic.
> Superb.
> FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
> sulphuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will
eat
> through the fucking chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
Sally.
> Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
> __________________________________________________
> CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
> JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned
peppers.
> JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
> chilli peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am
worried
> about Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
> cursing uncontrollably.
> FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't
> feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like
> it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chilli, which
slid
> unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to
match my
> fucking shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me.
I've
> decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Fuck it, I'm not
getting any
> oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch
hole
> in my stomach.
