Spousal Physical Disabilities

[82xxxxL]

My spouse has physical disabilities and is unable to have sex due to pain and physical limitations. Oral sex is possible but with time and aging that is fading also.

I'm youthful and healthy in my 40s and crave sex often. I can't leave my spouse I'm her sole care provider. Aside from a healthy sexual relationship, everything is okay. However, I see myself as my own care provider also because I have physical needs that are not being met that I seek to meet as appropriate.

I have been seeing SPs here and there to satisfy my physical needs and indulgences. I go back to care provider mode at home once I have finished seeing an SP.

I'm interested to hear feedback from Terb and SPs about this. I've been doing this for a while now and I think its okay. If I dont take care of myself i'm less effective as a care provider for my spouse.

I've talked to my spouse about trying an SP who could try to meet her needs also. The motivation is not there and my spouse feels sexually inadequate and uninterested to the extent that nothing happens. I provide care but cant go without in a lifetime myself. It wasnt always this way but unfortunately an injury at the workplace changed her life and mine. The most that ever happens is oral and my spouse recognizes this problem herself. However, i cant leave her as she is totally dependant on me and her injury was an accident. I love her and will continue to care for her always.

Anytime I've been away on business I've been given the okay to "entertain" myself from my spouse so I did that. She didnt ask to hear about it but is aware that I did it.

I believe I am making the right decisions.

 

[Shaquille Oatmeal]

Well, there are guys here who do this solely out of lust and a desire to have fun.
You seem to have a legitimate case and your spouse has given you the go ahead.
So go ahead and have fun, nothing wrong with that.
Maybe check in with your spouse to make sure she is truly on board and isn't okaying it out of guilt.
Also see if you can get her to try a duo with a provider who is into couples even if it means she just assists or watches. That way she isn't excluded.

 

[Screwtape]

That's a really tough situation. Even if your spouse has given her blessing, I doubt she's happy about it. I would compartmentalize and keep it on the DL as much as possible.

 

[LTO_3]

Sorry to hear about this situation between you and your SO. As long as she's OK - something you may need to confirm with her - with you being discrete to see SPs then do it. But I do agree that checking in with her if she's open to being part of a 3some as long as that's something she'd consider doing.

LTO_3

 

[massman]

My spouse has physical disabilities and is unable to have sex due to pain and physical limitations. Oral sex is possible but with time and aging that is fading also.

I'm youthful and healthy in my 40s and crave sex often. I can't leave my spouse I'm her sole care provider. Aside from a healthy sexual relationship, everything is okay. However, I see myself as my own care provider also because I have physical needs that are not being met that I seek to meet as appropriate.

I have been seeing SPs here and there to satisfy my physical needs and indulgences. I go back to care provider mode at home once I have finished seeing an SP.

I'm interested to hear feedback from Terb and SPs about this. I've been doing this for a while now and I think its okay. If I dont take care of myself i'm less effective as a care provider for my spouse.

I've talked to my spouse about trying an SP who could try to meet her needs also. The motivation is not there and my spouse feels sexually inadequate and uninterested to the extent that nothing happens. I provide care but cant go without in a lifetime myself. It wasnt always this way but unfortunately an injury at the workplace changed her life and mine. The most that ever happens is oral and my spouse recognizes this problem herself. However, i cant leave her as she is totally dependant on me and her injury was an accident. I love her and will continue to care for her always.

Anytime I've been away on business I've been given the okay to "entertain" myself from my spouse so I did that. She didnt ask to hear about it but is aware that I did it.

I believe I am making the right decisions.

Tough situation, and I think you are doing the best you can in a less than ideal situation. Lack of sex in a relationship breeds resentment which is poison. There is also often this vicious spiral where she feels inadequate, which further kills any desire to be intimate with you and the less she does with you, feelings of inadequacy grow leading to less desire and so on….(when ironically if she did want to more, it would probably lead to you being happier and her feeling less inadequate).

I often wonder if some type of couples therapy or even a sex therapist may be of use in these situations. In addition there is lots of info out there on how to keep a sex life alive for people with various disabilities. (Just as an example https://www.hamiltonhealthsciences....ucation-Chronic-pain-intimacy-Pain-Clinic.pdf)

I do think that physical intimacy is a basic human need, and it’s tough to expect someone to go without completely, indefinitely. If your spouse is ok with you meeting your physical needs elsewhere, then great, but at the same time this may be difficult for her. I would not discuss your experiences with her. Better that you meet those needs with a professional vs an affair which will lead to her feeling more threatened. There is the stigma of STIs too (which the lay public believes SPs are high risk, when really your average civilian 1 night stand is probably way riskier), but this may not be too much of an issue to you two as there is little to no sex anyway.

Respect for sticking with your wife and caring for her after her injury. Not easy, and that must be a tough job.

 

[The Oracle]

Be careful here...Sometimes one says something to placate a spouse but the reality is they aren't really on board. Screwtape's suggestion of compartmentalizing this and keeping it on the down low seems to be the right play at the present. You might doing her a favor by distancing her from this.

''I've talked to my spouse about trying an SP who could try to meet her needs also.''....This sentence intrigued me..How would an SP meet her needs in this situation.

 

[The Options Menu]

which the lay public believes SPs are high risk, when really your average civilian 1 night stand is probably way riskier

Off topic, but as someone who never married, and who has actively dated (and had the occasional pickup / hookup) between monogamous relationships, the number of adult women willing to raw dog FS on a first sexual romp is disturbing. While I'm not actively dating much these days, I still keep a condom in my wallet (which is less than ideal but better than nothing) for that reason. I'm glad I seem like a nice guy, but you don't know where I've been, and I have no real idea about you.

 

[82xxxxL]

Be careful here...Sometimes one says something to placate a spouse but the reality is they aren't really on board. Screwtape's suggestion of compartmentalizing this and keeping it on the down low seems to be the right play at the present. You might doing her a favor by distancing her from this.

''I've talked to my spouse about trying an SP who could try to meet her needs also.''....This sentence intrigued me..How would an SP meet her needs in this situation.

She doesnt ask, I dont tell. Dont ask dont tell as they say...

During trips, i'm told to entertain myself so that is what I do. Been doing this a while and enjoyed it. Was interested from terb and feedback was what I expected.

As for her seeing an sp, it would be oral only as penetration is not a possibility. I have not been able to get her interested to do that but still trying.

 

[82xxxxL]

As I said last post, oral only for her seeing an SP. For myself, she gives me oral but not vaginal she cant.

I got to the point where oral only wasnt enough for me. SPs provide what she cant.