THE 2004 DARWIN AWARDS
Yes, these are all true. They are finally out again. It's an annual honour given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year's winner was the fellow
who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of
him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it.
And the nominees this year in reverse order are.....
7. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk
cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol,
mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house.
The resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.
6. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his
home died of suffocation, according to police. He was
aproximately 6' 2" tall and weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and white saddle shoes and
a woman's wig. It appeared that he was trying to create a
schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas
mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose
attached in its place. The other end was inserted into his rectum for reasons unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation.
Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to his family very awkward.
5. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low
altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they
decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost
control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found
dead in the wreakage with their pants around their ankles.
4. A 22-year-old, Glade Drive, Reston, VA, man was found dead
after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70
foot railroad trestle.
Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped one end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby.
"The length of the cord that he assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground," Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "Major trauma."
3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that
he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the
rattlesnake as a ball. The friend, no doubt a future Darwin
Awards candidate, was hospitalized.
2. Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two
technicians from the gas company were dispatched.
Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty
navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as 'bright' by his peers.
Yes, these are all true. They are finally out again. It's an annual honour given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year's winner was the fellow
who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of
him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it.
And the nominees this year in reverse order are.....
7. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk
cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol,
mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house.
The resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.
6. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his
home died of suffocation, according to police. He was
aproximately 6' 2" tall and weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and white saddle shoes and
a woman's wig. It appeared that he was trying to create a
schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas
mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose
attached in its place. The other end was inserted into his rectum for reasons unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation.
Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to his family very awkward.
5. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low
altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they
decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost
control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found
dead in the wreakage with their pants around their ankles.
4. A 22-year-old, Glade Drive, Reston, VA, man was found dead
after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70
foot railroad trestle.
Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped one end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby.
"The length of the cord that he assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground," Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "Major trauma."
3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that
he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the
rattlesnake as a ball. The friend, no doubt a future Darwin
Awards candidate, was hospitalized.
2. Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two
technicians from the gas company were dispatched.
Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty
navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as 'bright' by his peers.
