The official joke thread

[DonBusch]

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub
together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were
about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of
their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.


The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust.


The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking
it, as if nothing had happened.


The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over
the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU
BASTARD!!!!"

 

[DonBusch]

Johnny and Susie, each five years old, decided to get married.


So Johnny went to Susie's dad to ask for her hand in marriage. "Where
will you live?" asked Susie's dad, thinking this is cute.


"Well," said Johnny, "I figured I could just move into Susie's room.
It's plenty big for both of us."


"And how will you live?" "I get $5 a week allowance and Susie gets $5
a week allowance. That's should be enough."


Getting exasperated since Johnny seems to know all the answers,
Susie's dad asked, "And what if little ones come along?"


"Well," said Johnny, "we've been lucky so far."

 

[Berlin]

( ..heard it in Toronto...)

A young child one day went to his mother and asked, ' Mom, do you have your own imaginary friend, like I do ?'

The mother , busy with home chore, replied,' Yes, sweetie...everybody has one. I have one, your dad has one, just like you do. And if you behave and be a very , very good boy, everyone will be able to see your special imaginary friend, and you would like that, wouldn't you ?....now , go on and play with your imaginary friend, ok sweetie ?'

' So, Daddy didn't lie to me then.' said the child . A bit puzzled, the mother then asked,' Why was that , sweetie ?'

' Daddy told me he has been a very good Daddy, and that's why I can always see his special imaginary friend; his friend comes here every time time you go visit grandpa, and plays funny exercise with Daddy in the basement with no clothes on, and makes funny noises....... and she looks the same the same as my baby sitter Miss. Jane, except that every time she comes here, she gives me 5 bucks and tells me that she is not here.'

 

[DonBusch]

What happened to Gilbey, no jokes for over a week?

 

[onthebottom]

French Bashing

How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris?

I don't know, it's never been tried!

OTB

 

[DonBusch]

Psychiatric Hotline from Hell

Psychiatric Hotline from Hell:


If you are Obsessive-Compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.


If you are Co-dependant, please ask someone to press 2 for you.


If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.


If you are paranoid-delusional, you don't have to do anything, we know who you are and we're watching your every move.


If you are schizophrenic, a little voice will eventually tell you which number to press.


If you are depressive, don't bother pressing a number. No-one will reply, and you're going to die anyway.


Thank you for your call.

 

[Gilbey]

Me , Life gets busy sometimes

What happened to Gilbey, no jokes for over a week?

well making a movie is quite time consuming .. anyway here goes

Im glad you missed me though



One day in the future, George Bush has a heart attack (or chokes on a pretzel, whatever takes your fancy) and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you.

You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do.

I've got a couple folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

Bush thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the First room: In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.

"No," George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the next room: In it was Ronald Reagan with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented George.

The devil opened a third door: In it, Bush saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Bush took this in with disbelief and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."


The devil smiled and said......... ............................
........................ ................... .............
..........
.......
.....
...
..
.



OK, Monica, you're free to go."

 

[DonBusch]

Extreme Bumper Stickers

Who lit the fuse on your tampon?


Support Cannibalism-EAT ME!


God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.


I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.


I wasn't born a bitch. Men like you made me this way.


Keep honking while I reload.


Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!


Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?


Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.


5 days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park.


EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later.


Your child may be an honor student but you're still an idiot.


If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.


If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.


Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.


Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.


Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.


Just say no! to sex with pro-lifers.


My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her ...or something like that.


Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!


Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.


If we are what we eat; I'm cheap, fast, and easy.


Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!

 

[DonBusch]

A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat
down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was
covered with bright red lipstick lip prints, and he had a half empty
bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper
and started reading. A couple of minutes later, he asked the priest,
"Father, what causes arthritis?"


"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women,
too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man."


"Wow! I didn't know that," the drunk muttered. He returned to reading
his paper.


The priest, thinking about what he said, turned to the man and
apologized. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long
have you had arthritis?"


"I don't have arthritis, Father, but I just read in the paper that
the Pope does."

 

[Berlin]

remember Miami Vice ?

yeah, ye..... they were just partners....

http://www.squidge.org/~praxisters/vice.html


--------------------------------------

zog

This one's for you

http://www.squidge.org/~praxisters/thumbnails/tngaladriel.jpg

 

[Meesh]

Famous Sexual Quotes


"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
* Tom Clancy

"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither."
* Steve Martin

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
* Woody Allen

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
* Rodney Dangerfield

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 500SL."
* Lynn Lavner

"Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist."
* Matt Barry

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
* Camille Paglia

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
* George Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake whole relationships."
* Sharon Stone

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex ~ no matter what she's reading."
* Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it., so I said "Thyroid problem?'"
* Arnold Schwarzenegger

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball i! s a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
* Tiger Woods

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
* Jack Nicholson

Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets blowjobs, no matter how bad it is."
* Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady,
and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor!

"Ah, yes, Divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
* Robin Williams

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
* Roseanne

"Women need a reason to have sex. ! Men just need a place."
* Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental,
where, of course, men are just grateful."
* Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
* Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked.'"
* Jerry Seinfeld

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
* Rod Stewart

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
* Robin Williams

 

[Magister]

A dedicated UPS (United Parcel Service) union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and, as you would expect, decided to check out the local brothels nearby.

When he got to the first one, he asked the madame, "Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20."

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop.

His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the dame responded, "Why yes sir, this IS a union house." The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the UPS man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. "I'd like her for the night."

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the madame, then, gesturing to an obese fifty-five year-old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."

 

[torex]

Government Announcement

As we all know,the Taliban consider it a sin for a man to see a naked woman who is not his wife.So,next Sunday at 2pm eastern time all Canadian/American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighbourhood terrorists.
Circling your block for 1 hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.

All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their houses to prove they are not Taliban,demonstrate that they think it's okay to see nude woman other than their wife and to show support for all Canadian/american women.

Since the Taliban also do not approve of alcohol,a cold 6pack at your side is further proof of your anti Taliban sentiment.

The Government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti terrorist activity.

God Bless Canada/America!

thought i would share this email with you all! I thought it was humerous!

 

[Georgian]

Fits in with some other recent threads......

Once upon a time in a nice little forest there lived an orphaned bunny and
an orphaned snake, both of which were blind from birth.

One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest and the snake was
slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and
fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.

"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you.
I've been blind since birth and I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since
I'm an orphan, I don't even know what I am."

"That's quire OK, " replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same
as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my
mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you and work out what
you are, so at least you'll have that going for you."

"Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all
over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have
really long ears, your nose twitches and you have a cottony tail. I'd say
you must be a bunny rabbit."

"Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The
bunny suggest to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw,
and help you the same way that you've helped me.

so the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and
slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say
you must be French."

 

[torex]

blow job jokes

A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquires. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man. "6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?" "Yeah, my first blowjob." "Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house." "No offence, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

 

[xarir]

Top 10

Top Ten Reasons Why Canada will not join USA in the War on Iraq:

10. We have no way of getting there.
9. We are too busy at home with the Maple Syrup Season.
8. After 136 Years, we are still copying off France.
7. Saddam's name pronounced backwards is "Mad Ass". We'll stay away from that.
6. There is only limited potential for sales of Canadian Bacon in Iraq after the war.
5. Our Sea King Helicopter was damaged and needs repairs.
4. Celine Dion can't sing to the troops because she has a contract in Las Vegas
3. The Rivers in Iraq are too shallow for our War Canoes.
2. Lousy hockey in Iraq at this time of year
1. Our army is needed at home in case of another snow storm in Toronto.

 

[eyeofthedragon]

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
GEORGE W. BUSH
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know
if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with
us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL
Now at the left of the screen, you clearly see the satellite image of the
chicken crossing the road.

HANS BLIX
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been
allowed access to the other side of the road.

MOHAMMED ALDOURI (Iraq ambassador)
The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We don't
even have a chicken.

SADDAM HUSSEIN
This crossing of the road was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were
quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on the chicken.

RALPH NADER
The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by
unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled
habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels
of a gas-guzzling SUV.

PAT BUCHANAN
To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.

RUSH LIMBAUGH
I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting
a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet someone out there is
already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road
syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans
take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by tax dollars, and when I say
tax dollars, I'm talking bout your money, money the government took from
you to build roads for chickens to cross.

MARTHA STEWART
No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing
order at the farmer's market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a
certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

JERRY FALWELL
Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the
plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other
side." That's what they call it -- the other side. Yes, my friends, that
chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I
say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the
liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other
side."

DR. SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes,
The chicken crossed the road, But why it crossed, I've not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die In the rain. Alone.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads
without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told
us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

BARBARA WALTERS
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the
chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it
experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its
life-long dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON
Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.

ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX
It was an historical inevitability.

VOLTAIRE
I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the
death its right to do it.

RONALD REAGAN
What chicken?

CAPTAIN KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FOX MULDER
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How many more chickens
have to cross before you believe it?

SIGMUND FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road
reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

>BILL GATES
I have just released e chicken 2003, which will not only cross roads, but
will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook
and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of e chicken.

ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the
chicken?

BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken?
Could you define chicken, please?

COLONEL SANDERS
I missed one?

Hopefully this hasn'y been posted yet!

 

[DonBusch]

Hopefully this hasn'y been posted yet!

Hehe, I posted a similar one on MERB today but yours appears more updated with Powell, Blix, etc.

 

[DonBusch]

Osama on the Run

Osama Weekly Cave Memo:

Hi guys. We've all been putting in long hours recently but we've really come together as a group and I love that! However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave, and frankly I have a few concerns:

First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the dust in our cave.
We want to avoid excessive dust inhalation, (a health and safety issue) - so we need to sweep the cave daily. I've done my bit on the cleaning roster.. have you? I've posted a sign-up sheet near the cave reception area (next to the halal toaster).

Second, it's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying to scare the shit out of most of the world's population, okay?
That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your scooter in the background or keep doing the 'Wassup' thing. Thanks.

Third: Food. My Dear Friend, Saddam sent me a box of dates recently & I clearly wrote "Ossy" on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, two of my dates were gone. Consideration. That's all I'm saying.

Fourth: I'm not against team spirit and all that, but we must distance ourselves from the infidels' bat and ball games. Please do not chant "Ossy Ossy Ossy, Oy Oy Oy" when I ride past on the donkey. Thanks.

Five: Graffiti. To whoever wrote "OSAMA SHAGS DONKEYS" on the group toilet wall, it's a lie. The donkey backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain.

Six: The use of chickens is strictly for food. Yussuf, the old excuse that the 'chicken backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain' will not be accepted in future. (With donkeys, there is a grey area.)

Finally, we've heard that there may be Western soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammad, Abdul, Akbar and George.

Love you lots & Group Hug,

Ossy

 

[Fine Wine]

Easter Humour...!

Three blondes died and found themselves standing before Saint Peter. He told them that they could enter the Kingdom if they could show that they knew what Easter was.

The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where we have a big feast and we give thanks and eat lots of turkey."

St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.

The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts."

St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.

The third blonde said she knew what Easter is, and St. Peter said, "So, tell me."

She said," Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having the Passover feast with His disciples when He was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder….

"Verrrrrry good", said St. Peter.

Then the blonde continued, "Now every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If He sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of hockey."

St. Peter fainted!!!