The official joke thread

[Electroguy]

7 Reasons Not to Mess with a Child

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him.”

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing,
the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy Father and thy Mother”, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead."

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE.
God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”

 

[Electroguy]

Smart ol' boy

An old farmer in Georgia had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc.

The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." "I'm here to feed the alligator."


Moral: Old age and cunning will triumph over youth and enthusiasm every time!

 

[Annessa]

The Sandles

This married couple was on holiday in Jamaica.

They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandalshop.
From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, "You foreigners ! Come in. Come into my humble shop."

So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, "I have some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex."
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was.

The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"
The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Man."Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave
in, and tried them on.
As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years !!
In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.

The Jamaican then began screaming, "YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET, MON!"



Annessa

 

[Annessa]

Dirty Little Mind

A 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"

With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down. Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "anybody?"

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued,
"As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
1 - You have a dirty little mind,
2 - You didn't read your homework, and
3 - One day you are going to be very, very disappointed.




Annessa

 

[corena]

Gonna be a Bear

In this life I'm a woman. In my next life, I'd like to come back as a bear. When you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.
Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that too.
When you're a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute, cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.
If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.
If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.
Yup, gonna be a bear!

 

[Notion]

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the photo, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahamal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.

 

[thunder0702]

cosmos

>IF MEN WROTE COSMOPOLITAN
>
>Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my sister.
>
>A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
>---------
>
>
>Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him.
>
>A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.
>
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
>---------
>
>Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
>
>A: This is perfectly natural behaviour - and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.
>
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
>---------
>
>Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
>
>A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time. To help with the family budget you may wish to video tape yourself while doing this, and to sell it at flea markets. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive present, and cook him a delicious meal.
>
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
>---------
>
>Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
>
>A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love your man as much as you should - he has to work a lot to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying a nice expensive present, and cooking a nice meal.
>
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
>---------
>
>Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.
>
>A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again to him and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present and don't forget to cook him a delicious meal.
>
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
>---------
>
>Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex?
>
>A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're not confused emotionally as women. It's a proven fact.
>
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
>---------
>
>Q: Should I have sex on the first date?
>
>A: YES. Before if possible.
>
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
>---------
>
>Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex?
>
>A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you just do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.
>
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
>---------
>
>Q: How long should the sex act last?
>
>A: There is no average time, but anything over two minutes is good. Anything under that and you may be rushing your man. After your man has finished making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly, and go out with his friends to play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol and sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left out-while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.
>
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
>---------
>
>
>
>

 

[thunder0702]

Part 11

Q: What is "afterplay?"
>
>A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy. "Afterplay" is simply a list of important activities for you to do after the lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.
>
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
>---------
>
>Q: Does the size of the penis matter?
>
>A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is
>important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male penis measures about 3 inches. Anything longer than that is extremely rare and, if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is 4 inches or over, you should go down on your knees and thank you lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and buying him an expensive gift.

 

[Cardinal Fang]

Re: another story of 3 wishes

Against my better judgement I offer this joke.

For all those men who say,
"why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free".
Here's an update for you.


Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage.
Why? Because women realize its not worth buying an entire Pig, just to get a little sausage.

 

[Chivas Regal]

For all the Corporate Climbers...

Subject: Everything explained Mathematically --- 100%

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:
HARDWORK

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

KNOWLEDGE

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,
ATTITUDE

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

BULLSHIT

2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

ASSKISSING

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, Bullshit and AssKissing will put you over the top.

Chivas

 

[bobistheowl]

A feminist with an advanced case of gum disease sued her dentist for sexual harrassment when he told her she had acute peridonitis.

 

[galt]

I just about choked on my coffee when I read this

Dear Terri:

I know the counsellor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride's cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does. Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says... "There's no one like you, Terri." I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close.

Two weeks ago, I met this girl at the Rainbow Room and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation.

She was young, Terri, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Tits you wouldn't believe and an ass like a tortoise shell. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown by this coed, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so surface. What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes. But you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Terri? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before. I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little.

Later, after I'd tossed her about a quart of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some niggling feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there, Terri, to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you, baby.

Jesus, Terri, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you. Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at Mt. Sinai Baptist Church? Well, she drops by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story. Anyway, we have a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know we're fucking in our old bedroom and this broad's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know like a real woman does when she's not hung up about God and her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad too. 'Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Terri ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex aid." (Some of this I thought about later.) You know what I mean?

What happened to our spontaneity? You get so caught up in the routine of a marriage and you just lose sight of each other. And then you lose yourself. That's the saddest part of all for me. But I keep thinking we can get it back. I know we can, because I only want this stuff with you.

Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Shannon's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders. She's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good counsel about you and about women in general. (She's pulling for us to get back together, Terri. She really is.)

So we're drinking in the hot tub and talking about happier times. Here's this hot girl with the same DNA as you (although, let's face it, she got an extra helping of the sexy gene) and all I can do is think of how much she looks like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry. And then it turns out Shannon's really into the whole anal thing and that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside the steaming hot Dutch oven of your sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you? It's true, baby. In
your heart you know it.

Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the
grievances and start fresh? I think we can. I keep thinking that I think if you'd just try it, I wouldn't have to pressure you so much. Because who needs all that bitterness, Terri? It just tears us
apart. And I can't be apart from you.



Because I love you.

 

[Ophelia Black]

Ahhhhh...science

Ovulation: A study at the Univ. of Minn. shows that
the type of facial features that a woman finds
attractive can differ depending upon where she is at
in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If a woman is ovulating, she is attracted
to men with rugged and masculine features. If she is
menstruating or menopausal, she is more prone to be
attracted to a man with scissors jammed in his temple
and a bat shoved up his ass while he is on fire.

 

[the ironmonger]

Two drunks have missed the last bus home. They decide to steal a bus, and they break into the bus garage. After half an hour of stumbling about, one says, "Can you believe it, there isn't a single number sixteen in the whole place."
The other says, "Never mind, we can take this number fifteen. It goes as far as High St..."

 

[spike69]

How does the butcher introduce his wife?




Meet Pattie!

 

[Chivas Regal]

A young man named Mike applied for an engineering position at a Newfoundland firm based in St, Johns. A Mainlander applied for the same job and both applicants, having the same qualifications, were asked to take a test by the department manager. Upon completion of the test both men had only missed one of the questions.

The manager went to Mike and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the Mainlander the job."

"And why would you be doing that?" asked Mike. "We both get 9 questions correct. This bein' the rock and me being a Newfie, I should get the jab!"

"We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed."

"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"

"Simple," replied the manager. "On question # 5, the Mainlander put down, 'I don't know.' You put down 'Needer do I.'"

I love East Coasters

Chivas

 

[katsrin]

An old lady is very upset as her husband Albert had just passed away. She went to the undertakers to have one last look at her dearly departed husband. The instant she saw him she starts crying.

One of the undertakers strides up to provide comfort in this sombre moment. Through her tears she explains that she is upset because her dearest Albert was wearing a black suit, and it was his dying wish to be buried in a blue suit.

The undertaker apologises and explains that traditionally, they always put the bodies in a black suit but he'd see what he could arrange.

The next day she returned to the undertakers to have one last moment with Albert before his funeral. When the undertaker pulls back the curtain, she manages to smile through her tears as Albert is resplendent in a smart blue suit.

She says to the undertaker "Wonderful,wonderful, but where did you get that beautiful blue suit?".

"Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband's size was brought in & he was wearing a blue suit. His wife explained that she was very upset as he had always wanted to be buried in a black suit," the undertaker replied.

The wife smiled at the undertaker through her tears....

He continued, "After that, it was simply a matter of swapping the heads"

 

[spike69]

onestone

> onestone
> > >
> > >
> > > There was once an Indian on a nearby reserve
> > > Onestone was the Indian name given to him because he
> > > had only one testicle. After years and years of this
> > > torment Onestone cracked and said, "If anyone calls me
> > > Onestone again I will kill them!"
> > >
> > > The word got around and nobody called him that any
> > > more.
> > >
> > > Then one day a young girl named Blue Bird forgot
> > > and said, "Good morning, Onestone."
> > >
> > > He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into
> > > the forest where he shagged her all day, he shagged
> > > her all night, he shagged her all the next day, until
> > > Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
> > >
> > > The word got around that Onestone meant business.
> > >
> > > Years went by until a woman named Yellow Bird
> > > returned to the village after many years away.
> > >
> > > Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed
> > > when she saw Onestone and hugged him and said, "Good
> > > to see you Onestone."
> > >
> > > Onestone grabbed her and took her deep into the
> > > forest where he shagged her all day, shagged her all
> > > night, shagged her all the next day, shagged her all
> > > the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
> > >
> > > What is the moral of the story?
> > >
> > > (You'll love this!!!!)
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > You can't kill two birds with one stone.
> > >
> > >
> >
> >
> >

 

[bobistheowl]

The difference between Ground Hog Day in the US and Canada:

In the US, if he sees his shadow, it's "Sh*t, SIX MORE WEEKS of winter."

In Canada, if he sees his shadow: "ALRIGHT! ONLY SIX more weeks of winter!".

 

[thunder0702]

Valentines Day

THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE BUT... THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss.
But I only slept with you, because I was pissed.

I thought that I could love no other.
Until, that is, I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

Of loving beauty you float with grace.
If only you could hide your face

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot.
This describes everything you are not.

I want to feel your sweet embrace.
But don't take that paper bag off of your face.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes.
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell.
Except for maybe "go to hell".

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.