The official joke thread

[Jade4u]

what men would do if they had a vagina for a day
10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if they could finally do the splits.

7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.

6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.

5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time.

4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.

2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.

1. Finally find that damned G-spot.

 

[WhaWhaWha]

International Signs (Mis-Translations)

========================================
Acapulco hotel sign: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
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Athens Hotel: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 daily.
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Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
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Bangkok dry cleaners: Drop your trousers here for best results.
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Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.
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Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push botton for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.
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Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
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Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
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Copenhagen airline ticket office: WE take your bags and send them in all directions.
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Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours--we guarantee no miscarriages.
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Denmark: in a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.
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Finnish washroom faucet: To stop the drip, turn cock to right.
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German/Germany: in a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.
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Germany's Black forest sign: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.
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Hong Kong supermarket: For your convenience, we recommend courageous, efficient self-service.
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Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
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Istanbul hotel corridor sign: Please to evacuate in hall especially which is accompanied by rude noises.
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Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe inside the tub.
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Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
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Heates: If you want just condition of war in your room, please control yourself.
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Kyushi, Japan Detour sign: Stop: Drive Sideways.
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Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.
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London department store: Bargain basement upstairs.
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London office: After tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.
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Majorcan shop entrance: English well talking.
Majorcan shop entrance: Here speeching American.
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Moscow hotel lobby across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
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Moscow hotel room door: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.
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Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
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Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking.
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Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.
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Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.
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Roman doctor's office: Specialist in women and other diseases.
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Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
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Sweden: in the window of a Swedish furrier: Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin.
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Swiss mountain inn: Special today -- no ice cream.
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Thailand: an ad for donkey rides asked Would you like to ride on your own ass?.
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Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
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Tokyo hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such thing is please not to read this notice.
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Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.
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Vienna, Austria hotel: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter.
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Yugoslavia: a sign in a hotel read The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid. Turn to her straightaway.
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Yugoslavia: in the Europa Hotel, in Sarajevo, you will find this message on every door: Guests should announce the abandonment of theirs rooms before 12 o'clock, emptying the room at the latest until 14 o'clock, for the use of the room before 5 at the arrival or after the 16 o'clock at the departure, will be billed as one night more..
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Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

 

[WhaWhaWha]

Know why dogs lick their balls? Because they can!

 

[Dawgger]

We've all heard about people having guts and balls,but do you really know the difference between them?In an effort to keep you informed an example of each is listed below:
"Guts' is arriving home after a night out with the guys,being assaulted by your wife with a broom and having the guts to ask"Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?
"Balls" is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say"you're next!"

 

[Jade4u]

Where did yodelling come from?

Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.

As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?"

"That fellow traveling through," said the farmer, "needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn."

The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn.

About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.

The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.

When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!"

"What?", shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!"

The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out....


"ILAIDTHEOLADEETOO "

 

[dj1470]

How are the Leafs like a teenager girls training bra?

They both have lots of supports but no cups.

 

[dj1470]

Why does a Leaf fan have to drink out of a saucer?

Because all the cups are in Montreal.

 

[LancsLad]

Or

Know why dogs lick their balls? Because they can!

Or because they can't make a fist.

 

[Jade4u]

Leyroy and his Millions

A rich white man in Richmond, Virginia decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy,the only black guy in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with the women.

At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10-ft man-eating alligator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in." The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!

Leroy was fighting the 'gator and kicking its a$$!Leroy was jabbing the 'gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing everything he could like head butts and choke holds, biting the 'gator on the tail and flipping the 'gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere.

Both Leroy and the 'gator were screaming and raising hell. Finally Leroy strangled the 'gator and let it float to the top like a K-mart goldfish.
Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief. Finally the host says, "Well,Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars."
"No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy.
The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. Then, how about half a million bucks?"
"No thanks. I don't want it," answered Leroy.
The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?"

Again Leroy said "No."

Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then what do You want?"
Scroll down to see what Leroy said he wanted.....................


















Leroy said:

"I want the name of the mutha^*#$! who pushed me in the damn pool!!!"

 

[Jade4u]

911 calls

Supposedly these are actual calls, true or not, I can't say, but they are kinda funny



Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I'm wearing a blouse and slacks, why?

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart.
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!


And the winner is..........

Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster. Damn......
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police

 

[WhaWhaWha]

Creative ways to say someone is stupid.

A few clowns short of a circus.
A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
A few beers short of a six-pack.
Dumber than a box of hair.
A few peas short of a casserole.
Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box.
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
One taco short of a combination plate.
A few feathers short of a whole duck.
All foam, no beer.
The cheese slid off his cracker.
Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
Has an IQ of 2, but it takes to grunt.
Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
As smart as bait.
Chimney's clogged.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair.
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
Her sewing machine's out of thread.
His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
No grain in the silo.
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
Receiver is off the hook.
Several nuts short of a full pouch.
Skylight leaks a little.
Slinky's kinked.
Surfing in Nebraska.
Too much yardage between the goal posts.
how many angels could dance on his head?

 

[Denton]

Clitoris

Boy goes up to his father and says, "Daddy daddy, How do you spell clitoris?"

Father says, "Gee son I don't know - but it was on the tip of my tongue just a second ago..."

 

[hambone]

Old man in church to his wife "I just let a silent fart, what should I do?"

Wife "Get a new battery for your hearing aid"

 

[WhaWhaWha]

The same old man at his annual checkup tells the doctor, "You know lately the good lord has been looking out for me"

The Doctor asks, "How so?"

The elderly man says, "Well for example, lately when I get up in the middle of the night to go the bathroom, I dont need to find the lightswitch. HE {pointing up} lights my way. And when I'm done HE turns out the lights so I can go back to sleep. It's like a miracle every time."

The Doctor nods with interest and then finds a moment to confer with the man's wife. "I'm concerned that your husband may be delusional. He just told me that he thinks God is turning the lights on and off when he goes to the bathroom at night."

The wife, with an exasperated look on her face responds, "So that's why it smells so bad in the refrigerator..."

 

[lasslicker]

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board.

The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... with the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.

This went on for a day. And then 2 days ... and then 3 days ..

Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said .... "OK, I give up. Where's the fucking ship?"

 

[WhaWhaWha]

Stacey4u2luv decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway.The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the Stacey4u2luv attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.

 

[Jade4u]

As a mother passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked, "What in the world are you doing?
The daughter replied, "Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."
The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.
To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said, "Dad, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband! Please, go away and leave me alone."
A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the family room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.
The wife asked, "What the hell are you doing?"
The husband replied, "I'm watching the ball game with my son-in-law."

 

[clearwaterjim]

Q. Why do women have little bumps around thier nipples?

A. It Braille and it says "SUCK HERE".

 

[stinkynuts]

Q. Why do women have little bumps around thier nipples?

A. It Braille and it says "SUCK HERE".

I always wondered what those red bumps on my penis were for.

 

[clearwaterjim]

A Pit Bull, a German Shepard and a Great Dane are all in cages at the Vet"s office. The German Shepard look at the Pit Bull and says "What are you in for" the Pit Bull replies " The other day I got away from my owner well at the park and I killed a Poodle. I'm being put to sleep tomorrow. The Pit Bull the asked the German Shepard "why are you here"to which he replies " Yesterday I jumped through the screen door and attacked the mail man for the third time. I am being put to sleep tomorrow too." They both turn to the Great Dane as as him why he is there. The Dane says "Yesterday while my owner was taking a shower when she dropped the soap I mounted her from behind and humped her good." So the Pit Bull Goes " Oh your your being put to sleep tomorrow too" to which the Great Dane replies " OH No I'm just here getting my nails clipped"