The official joke thread
- Thread starter Gilbey
- Start date
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem.
While they were there the wife passed away.
The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for
$5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her
shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000
to ship your wife home,when it would be wonderful to be buried
here and you would spend only $150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and
three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that
chance."
While they were there the wife passed away.
The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for
$5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her
shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000
to ship your wife home,when it would be wonderful to be buried
here and you would spend only $150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and
three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that
chance."
But there was a happy ending.
On her way home, the pallbearers bumped her casket into a doorway and she stirred and awoke from a deep coma.
She and her husband remained together for 10 more years before she sadly passed away. This time, at her funeral when the pallbearers picked her up, the husband yelled, "Wait, don't move, let me open the door!"
On her way home, the pallbearers bumped her casket into a doorway and she stirred and awoke from a deep coma.
She and her husband remained together for 10 more years before she sadly passed away. This time, at her funeral when the pallbearers picked her up, the husband yelled, "Wait, don't move, let me open the door!"
Italian's New Shoes
Paolo Piaia walks to work 20 blocks every day and passes a shoe store. Each
day he stops and looks in the window and admires a certain pair of Bocceli
leather shoes. He wants those shoes so much it's all he can think about.
After 2 months he saves $300 to buy them.
Every Friday night the Italian community gets together at a dance at the
Veneto Club, so Paolo seizes the opportunity to wear his new Bocceli leather
shoes to the dance.
He asks Sophia to dance, and as they dance he asks her, "Sophia, do you wear
red panties tonight" ?
"Yes, Paolo, I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know"?
Paolo replies, "I see the reflection in my new $300 Bocceli leather shoes.
How do you like them"?
Next he asks Rosato dance, and after a few minutes he says to her,"Rosa, do
you wear white panties tonight"?
Rosa answers, "Yes, Paolo, I do, But how do you know that"?
He answers, "I see the reflection in my new $300 Bocceli leather shoes. How
do you like them"?
Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played, Paolo
asks Maria to dance. Midway through the dance his face turns red. He says,
"Maria, be stilla my heart. Pleasa tella me you wear no panties tonight,
pleasa, pleasa, tella me thisa be true"!
Maria smiles coyly and answers, "Yes Paolo, I wear no panties tonight".
Paolo gasps and says, "Thanka God... I thought I had a crack in my new $300
Bocceli leather shoes!"
Paolo Piaia walks to work 20 blocks every day and passes a shoe store. Each
day he stops and looks in the window and admires a certain pair of Bocceli
leather shoes. He wants those shoes so much it's all he can think about.
After 2 months he saves $300 to buy them.
Every Friday night the Italian community gets together at a dance at the
Veneto Club, so Paolo seizes the opportunity to wear his new Bocceli leather
shoes to the dance.
He asks Sophia to dance, and as they dance he asks her, "Sophia, do you wear
red panties tonight" ?
"Yes, Paolo, I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know"?
Paolo replies, "I see the reflection in my new $300 Bocceli leather shoes.
How do you like them"?
Next he asks Rosato dance, and after a few minutes he says to her,"Rosa, do
you wear white panties tonight"?
Rosa answers, "Yes, Paolo, I do, But how do you know that"?
He answers, "I see the reflection in my new $300 Bocceli leather shoes. How
do you like them"?
Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played, Paolo
asks Maria to dance. Midway through the dance his face turns red. He says,
"Maria, be stilla my heart. Pleasa tella me you wear no panties tonight,
pleasa, pleasa, tella me thisa be true"!
Maria smiles coyly and answers, "Yes Paolo, I wear no panties tonight".
Paolo gasps and says, "Thanka God... I thought I had a crack in my new $300
Bocceli leather shoes!"
A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the
counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare, I'd really
rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We
just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur
and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive
around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of
the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her
on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges.
You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage.
The starting salary is $200,000 a year."
The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker says, "Yeah, well... You started it."
counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare, I'd really
rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We
just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur
and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive
around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of
the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her
on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges.
You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage.
The starting salary is $200,000 a year."
The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker says, "Yeah, well... You started it."
If There's Nae Wind It's Nae Golf!
An Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.
"I say, dear woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickas?" her husband demanded.
"Well, deah, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any."
The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "Crikey, for the sake of decency, here's $50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."
Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies.
"Faith an' begorrah, woman! Where's yer knickers? Yer arse is a sight fer sore eyes!"
She replies, "I can't affard any on the money you give me."
He reaches into his pocket and says,
"Oh for the sake of dacency womin, here's $20. Go and buy yourself some bloomers!"
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
"Sweet mudder of.... Aggie! where the frig are yer drawers?"
She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta afforrd any."
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says,
"Well, nae matter lassie, fer the love o' Rabbie Burns 'n the sake of commin decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."
An Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. "I say, dear woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickas?" her husband demanded.
"Well, deah, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any."
The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "Crikey, for the sake of decency, here's $50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."
Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies.
"Faith an' begorrah, woman! Where's yer knickers? Yer arse is a sight fer sore eyes!"
She replies, "I can't affard any on the money you give me."
He reaches into his pocket and says,
"Oh for the sake of dacency womin, here's $20. Go and buy yourself some bloomers!"
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
"Sweet mudder of.... Aggie! where the frig are yer drawers?"
She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta afforrd any."
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says,
"Well, nae matter lassie, fer the love o' Rabbie Burns 'n the sake of commin decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."
No Sex Since 1955
A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."
A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."
The science teacher stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw material in the world, what would it be?"
Little Stevie raised his hand and said "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Corvette." The teacher nodded, and then she called on little Susie.
Little Susie said, "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche." The teacher smiled, and then she called on Little Johnny.
Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicone." The teacher said, "Silicone? Why silicone, Little Johnny?" "Because my mom has two bags of the stuff and you should
see all the sports cars outside our house!
Little Stevie raised his hand and said "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Corvette." The teacher nodded, and then she called on little Susie.
Little Susie said, "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche." The teacher smiled, and then she called on Little Johnny.
Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicone." The teacher said, "Silicone? Why silicone, Little Johnny?" "Because my mom has two bags of the stuff and you should
see all the sports cars outside our house!
A very unattractive, nasty, mean actin' woman walks into
Wal-Mart with her two kids.
The Wal-Mart Greeter, asks "Are they twins?"
The ugly woman says "Hell no, the oldest one, he's 9, and the
younger one, she's 7." "Why?....... Do you think they really
look alike?"
"No", replied the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you
got laid twice."
Wal-Mart with her two kids.
The Wal-Mart Greeter, asks "Are they twins?"
The ugly woman says "Hell no, the oldest one, he's 9, and the
younger one, she's 7." "Why?....... Do you think they really
look alike?"
"No", replied the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you
got laid twice."
Of course I amstacey4u2luv said:You gotta be kidding me?
She actualy said who do you think you can satisfy with that?
I said: me
Nice Scent
Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady Standing at
the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her
hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to
a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to
lodge a sexual harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks,
"What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair
smells nice?"
The woman replies,"It's Keith, the dwarf."
Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady Standing at
the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her
hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to
a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to
lodge a sexual harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks,
"What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair
smells nice?"
The woman replies,"It's Keith, the dwarf."
Leave the light on
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time
they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the
light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she
would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in
the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the
lights. She looked down. and saw her husband was holding a
battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger
than a real one.
She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at
him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain
yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
"I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time
they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the
light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she
would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in
the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the
lights. She looked down. and saw her husband was holding a
battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger
than a real one.
She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at
him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain
yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
"I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."
An attorney got home late one evening, after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, James Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last-minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he got through the door at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of night do you call this? Where have you been?" and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went And poured himself a shot of whisky and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks. While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all.
Finally realizing what a day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs to give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear end as he was bent over naked drying his legs and feet.
"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.
He whirled around and screamed, "FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP!"
As soon as he got through the door at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of night do you call this? Where have you been?" and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went And poured himself a shot of whisky and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks. While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all.
Finally realizing what a day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs to give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear end as he was bent over naked drying his legs and feet.
"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.
He whirled around and screamed, "FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP!"
