The official joke thread

[red]

a tour group stopped at the Tower of London, and were given the chance to try out some of the ancient armour. Two men - one from Prague and another from Athens took up the opportunity. One donned a slightly damaged suit of plate armor and the other chain-mail, while the rest of the group crowded around. But in the full suits, the onlookers couldn't tell one from the other.
"Is that the Czech wearing the plate armour?" asked one tourist.
"No," replied another, "The Greek has the broken plate, and the Czech is in the mail."

 

[red]

A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."

 

[red]

When Mr.. Wilkins answered the door late in the evening one day after he'd lost his wife scuba diving, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen. "We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife."

"Well...tell me!" he demanded.

The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some pretty good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkins said, "Give me the bad news first."

So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but we found your wife's body this morning in San Francisco Bay."

"OH MY GOD!," said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"

"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her."

"Huh?" he said, not understanding. "So, what's the great news?"

The policeman smiled, licked his chops, and said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."

 

[Meesh]

Origin of pets

Where do pets come from?

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?"

Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.

And it was a good animal.

And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him
DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.

And they were comforted.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail..

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."

And God said, "No problem! I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are.. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was happy.


And Cat didn't give a crap one way or the other.

 

[happygrump]

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had set their new wives straight on their duties.

The first man had married a woman from Ontario and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Quebec. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Nova Scotia girl. He boasted that he told her the house was to be cleaned, dishes washed, the cooking done and laundry washed every day. And this was all her responsibility. He said the first day he didn't see anything and the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down so he could see a little out of his left eye.

 

[red]

Wanted: Newspaper needs freelance writer to cover zoo story about a mother bear about to have babies.
Applicant must be willing to start as a cub reporter.

 

[red]

A piece of road walks into a bar and declares to all its occupants: "I'm the hardest bit of bitumen in the whole of this town!"

The piano player stops and the bar goes deadly silent. After a brief pause, all eyes drop, the pianist returns to playing and the piece of road pulls up a bar stool and settles down to a beer.

Five minutes later, a piece of dual carriageway throws open the bar door. Once again, the bar goes silent but for the creaking of the slow-moving overhead fans.

The dual carriageway declares: "I'm the toughest piece of bitumen you'll ever see this side of the border!"

The piece of road slowly turns and locks eyes with the piece of dual carriageway. The tension mounts, other drinkers scatter and take cover.

At that precise moment, in walks a piece of freeway which says: "I'm the hardest bit of bitumen in the whole country and I'll take you both on!"

And there they stood in a three-way Mexican stand-off for what seemed like an eternity.

Once again, the door opens and, into the middle of the stand-off, walks a strange-looking piece of coloured bitumen with a blue stripe. The other three turn their backs to the door, sit down at the bar and stare sheepishly into their drinks.

The bartender sidles up to the three of them and asks what the problem is. "Shhhh!", says the dual carriageway, "Watch what you say, that guy's a real cycle path."

 

[anything_goes]

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

 

[anything_goes]

Mahatma Gandi, being a spiritual sort of a guy, walked barefoot for most of his life; naturally, he built up huge pads of hard skin on his feet. In addition, his sparse diet left him frail, and suffering from terrible bad breath.

You know what he was?

a super-calloused, fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

 

[Cardinal Fang]

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

 

[anything_goes]

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron". The other says, "that's terrible, are you sure?". The first replies, "yes, I'm positive."

 

[anything_goes]

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Hey, that's gold, man. Solid gold, I tell you.

 

[stinkynuts]

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the sea, this captain and his crew were always in danger of being boarded by pirates from a pirate ship.

One day while they were sailing, they saw that a pirate ship had sent a boarding party to try and board their ship. The crew became worried, but the Captain was calm.

He bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!"

The First Mate quickly got the Captain's red shirt, which the captain put on. Then he led his crew into battle against the mean pirates. Although there were some casualties among the crew, the pirates were defeated.

Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending two boarding parties towards their ship. The crew was nervous, but the Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" And once again the battle was on!

The Captain and his crew fought off the boarding parties, though this time more casualties occurred.

Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's events when an ensign looked at the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?"

The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, explained, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the blood, so you men will continue to fight unafraid." The men sat in silence. They were amazed at the courage of such a man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command.

The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, 'Bring me my brown pants!!!'

 

[kbluejayk]

New Blood Transfusion Discovery!

American Medical Association researchers have made a

remarkable discovery.

It seems that some patients needing blood transfusions may

benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood.

It tends to make the men cocky and causes the women to lay better.

 

[WhaWhaWha]

UNEXPECTED NEWS!
"And in a surprising move the Vatican announced that they would also be electing a Vice-Pope today... JOSEPH STALIN JR." .

 

[WhaWhaWha]

God's Email

One day God decided to send an angel down to Earth to check on the proliferation of evil.

When she returned she told God, yes 95% is bad and 5% is good.

God said this was not good.

So he decided to send e-mail to the 5% that were good. He wanted to encourage them, give them a little something to help them keep going and spread his word. Do you know what that e-mail said?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Anyone?

 

[y2kmark]

A man comes home from work...

He finds his wife packing a suitcase -

He: What is it, honey?

She: I'm leaving you! I just found out you're a Pedophile!!

He: Pedophile, eh? That's a pretty big word for a 7 year old!

 

[y2kmark]

How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress her up like an alter boy!

 

[WhaWhaWha]

Two Sides to every story

Her Side

My husband was in an odd mood Saturday night. We planned to meet at a cafe for a drink. I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls and I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit later than I promised, but he didn't say anything much about it. I don't remember doing anything to make him upset, but I could tell there was something wrong. The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off to some place intimate so we could talk more privately. We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I was getting really worried, what did I do? What was bothering him?

Was he mad at me? I tried to cheer him up, but started to wonder what was bothering him. Was it me or something else? I asked him if he was upset with me, he said no. But I wasn't really sure. So anyway, in the car on the way back home, I said that I loved him deeply and he just put his arm around me. I didn't know what the heck that meant because, you know, he didn't say it back or anything. We finally got back home and I was wondering if he was going to leave me! So I tried to get him to talk but he just switched on the TV. Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to bed.

Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and to my surprise, we made love. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I wanted to confront him but didn't. I just cried myself to sleep.

I don't know what to do anymore. I mean, I really think he's seeing someone else.

His Side

Played badly today - shot 87 - can't putt for shit!. Felt kinda tired.

Got laid though.

 

[stinkynuts]

A man goes to his doctor and says, "I don't think my wife's hearing is as good as it used to
be, what should I do?" The doctor replies, "Try this test to find out for sure. When your
wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if
she doesn't respond keep moving closer, asking the question until she hears you." The man
goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says,
"What's for dinner, honey?" He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and
asks again. Still no response, so he moves to five feet. No answer. Finally he stands
directly behind her and says, "Honey, what's for supper?" She replies, "For the fourth time,
I SAID CHICKEN, you deaf bastard!"