When would you want to know...

the ironmonger

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Jan 16, 2004
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It depends whether you plan to continue. -- "By the way, I used to work as an escort," sounds a lot less likely to bust a new relationship than, "I love the money I make as an escort."

Think of it the other way round: suppose you've been on a few dates, and you're starting to wonder about getting serious, and the conversation turns to his interests (besides whether this could be the Leafs' season) and he says either (A): "Well there was a time in my life, long ago, when I used to see escorts occasionally," or (B): "I have this hobby where I see escorts once a month, and I'm really excited about the lady I'm planning to visit next week." Which would you be cool with?
 
the ironmonger said:
Think of it the other way round: suppose you've been on a few dates, and you're starting to wonder about getting serious, and the conversation turns to his interests (besides whether this could be the Leafs' season) and he says either (A): "Well there was a time in my life, long ago, when I used to see escorts occasionally," or (B): "I have this hobby where I see escorts once a month, and I'm really excited about the lady I'm planning to visit next week." Which would you be cool with?
This isn't a fair comparison because the relationship is not symetrical, either in motivations or society's perceptions. Seeing an escort is a completely different from being an escort.

Guys will see escorts for all sorts of reasons, ranging from desire for sex to desire for friendly human interaction or any mixture of the two. Girls will be escorts for, basically, the same reasons any of us take any job: it's work they don't mind doing for the money.

Should it come out that a male acquaintance sees escorts, most people will simply snicker and continue treating him the same way. This is not the same reaction a girl will get if it comes out that she is an escort. I have, in my relationships that looked like they were going anywhere, made sure that the women knew of my little hobby - they wanted to make sure I wasn't indulging while seeing them, but once that reassurance was given, they were more fascinated by the process than anything else and asked all sorts of questions. This is not the reaction most women will get.

Ophelia Black has a decision to make - although it sounds like she has already made it and is concerned solely with the timing - to take the quite significant chance that the guy's going to run as soon as he hears the news, or to live a lie. That's something that guys don't have to face in the hobby (unless they are cheating on their partners, which is a different issue and will be resolved in the same manner as any other kind of cheating).

It is fairly hard to come up with a profession for a man that carries the same emotional baggage as does escorting for women. Professional bum-boy, perhaps, but that is not nearly so common and has a lot of other connotations. What relatively common profession is there for men which is not technically illegal, but can be dicey and is regarded by many as being morally reprehensible? The best I can do is stockbroker in a bucket-shop, selling moose-pasture to little old ladies, but perhaps someone else can come up with a better example.
 

Kathy P

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Mar 27, 2002
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Rosedale
www.netwave.ca
I agree with MidLifeCrisis. There is a lot more stigma to the woman as the professional as opposed to the hobbyist. Same double standard that we had in high school - the guy was a stud and the girl a slut. This happened in my personal life. I told the guy upfront. We went from having wild, passionate sex to him not wanting to have anything to do with me. Probably saved me a lot of grief, because basically I don't think he was a great guy after all, but it has really made me wary about revealing it, again. The way I see it, it's my secret and I don't owe any one an explanation (provided its in the past).
 

baci2004

Bad girl Luv'r
Mar 21, 2004
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At the range!!!
You will know when it's time to tell him. I feel what's more important is that you are emotionally prepared for his reaction.
good luck
 

Deviant

What
Feb 22, 2004
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Kathy P said:
because basically I don't think he was a great guy after all

If he would have accepted your career, that would have made him a great guy ????
 

LeatherDoll

More Than U Want Me to Be
The answer isn't really that complicated when you put it in perspective ...

Ophelia, I sense that you are actually wanting some input here .. . since your usual hysterical banter is glaringly absent. ... So, for what its worth, here is my 2¢.

There is no reason whatsoever to bring up the issue of how you make a living until such time as you both are considering entering into intimate activities. That is the appropriate time to discuss sexual history and safe sex practices. There is no reason to divulge such intimate personal information before that.

Honestly, I think there are many other things I would query first: politics, for example. I jump to the tough stuff very early - especially the highly controversial issues about which I feel strongly and passionately hold as a personal values. In this case, I would suggest garnering his opiniion on freedom of choice and a woman's right to unilateral and unencumbered decision making around her body. Not only will this give information on what his views are on something that I consider a self-defining personal standard, but it will demonstrate his skill at discussing things, how he handles debate and/or disagreement, etc. In addition, with this topic, I will get some idea how he feels about human rights and women's rights in particular. If he believes that the government has the right to a voice in how I may use my body, then I already have some idea where he stands on prostitution. This or any number of other highly held beliefs will usually help clear the wheat from the chaff anyway; he may be selected out of your consideration at this point, and the rest of the discussion is moot.

There is a vast wealth of infomation in a conversation like this about his personality, charachter, manner, value system, priorities, attitudes, interactional style, etc. that will help you make an informed decision about your willingness to get intimate at all. Is he intolerant and judgmental? Aggressive, abusive, compassionate, caring? Does he listen well (or at all)? How adjusted is he? Is he controlling? I expect he will have baggage, but just how much, and does he expect me to carry it?

Second, I would question his tastes with respect to sex and sexuality. Is he open or uptight? Do you and he he find the same kinds of activities interesting? For me, there are plenty of men with whom I wouldn't think of getting into a relationship because their sexual tastes are not compatible with mine. They are not interested or open, they are fixated on a particular fetish that doesn't fascinate me, etc. Or they have no imagination at all. They are not interested in exploration, growth, spirituality, etc.

I would suggest you sit down and go over your own personal values - I can send you a values inventory to help you with this if you would like - before you meet with him again. Try and isolate what is most important for you and what you need to see i(versus what you would like to see, and what you really don't care about) in a potential partner. I would then prioritize the list and devise questions or activities you can do together to give input on these qualities or characteristics.

Third, I would try and get an idea of what he thinks he wants and is looking for. Then ask the important questions - is he in a relationship? Is it serious? Has he made commitments in that relationship that are being violated by his spending time with you? Do his goals jibe with your own? How about his attitude and approach to his partner or ex-partners? This speaks more about a man than anything else, I think. If he is currently treating his woman badly, or he speaks badly of his past relationships, I would probe further.

When you come to a point that you decide you might want to enter into a deeper relationship, then, and only then, should you broach the subject of sexual history. Quite honestly, if he has more concerns about whether you were paid for your time than your health in the matter, you should run fast anyway.

In the meantime, tell him you work independently as a consultant. Your areas of expertise are your own - call it whatever you want - intimate communications, leisure management consultant, sensation training. Try not to get too definite if you can -- just ask a question about him, and I'm sure he'll forget you didn't give a complete answer. DO NOT LIE - just don't offer more information than is necessary.

Consider yourself the border guard here. You are interviewing him to determine if you want to give him access to your territories. You already have a pretty good idea of your personal value and worth; his response should neither validate nor invalidate what you already know of yourself - that is your own divinity. Instead, consider carefully what you require and expect from someone to whom you are offering yourself, time, skills, and expertise "for free".

The question isn't really about what he will think of you, but what you will think of him when he responds badly or well.

Good luck.
 

Daddio

Banned
Apr 10, 2004
494
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TO - aka The Big Smoke
It is also a good idea to find out if he works in Law Enforcement before sharing any details of your profession.

As far as whether an escort makes a desireable SO, I look at it this way...

So many women lament that they can't attract any male attention -- yet here is an escort -- someone that is so desireable that men will line up and pay their hard earned dough for just a small taste of her charms. And in her off duty time she wants to share her innermost intimacy with me? Why would I not be flattered?
 

Kathy P

New member
Mar 27, 2002
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Rosedale
www.netwave.ca
Your post was amazing Leather Doll. I'd love a copy of that inventory. You have redefined my future selection process.

As for your comments, Lost and Confused, he was not a great guy, in my opinion, because of a lot of other issues I learned about after the initial encounter however, I do feel that if someone truly cares about you they should at least be willing to talk about issues. Acceptance is another personal decision, but giving someone the silent treatment because they made choices you weren't happy is, in my books, immature and inconsistent with being a "great" guy.
 

Deviant

What
Feb 22, 2004
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Kathy P said:

As for your comments, Lost and Confused, he was not a great guy, in my opinion, because of a lot of other issues I learned about after the initial encounter however, I do feel that if someone truly cares about you they should at least be willing to talk about issues. Acceptance is another personal decision, but giving someone the silent treatment because they made choices you weren't happy is, in my books, immature and inconsistent with being a "great" guy.

I see, I thought it was only the lack of acceptance that was the problem with the guy.

Discussion is always important, you cant judge right/wrong/good/bad in ANY situation without knowing all sides of an issue.
 
Ophelia Black said:
How would you prefer to to find out my occupation if you were him in this situation?
That is very tricky. I haven't experienced this situation yet.

Maybe I don't have that sex appeals to have any SP dating me seriously.

In any case, I would say either way you risk yourself of losing him forever. It really doesn't matter whether you tell him at the beginning or not.

Let's face it, many men have double standard when it comes to this. Not many men are that "open-minded" to accept the fact that his mate is and was, no pun intended a "hoe". This is especially true when the man in question never hobby.

You have to work extra hard to prove that he is the only man you really want to be with for the rest of your life. You have to reassure his manhood and ego harder than any "civilian" woman since he probably thinks you just fake it. You have to double your effort to show him you are just like any "civilian" woman with self-esteem.

Plus, you may have to prepare yourself to sacriface some freedoms if he's willing to accept you as a SP. You may have to deal with his constant urge of "rauchy" free sex your clients always look for, with a premium/donation.

Don't get me wrong men will all act like this in such situation. These are the possilbilities and I suspect many men will dump you right the way by the time you tell what you do for a living.

My 2 cents, good luck!
 
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