Relationship Question - Men who drink heavy.

[sarak]

Hmm, well need some input. But I already think I know the answer but need a guys point of view.

Just recently a good friend of mine seperated from his girl-friend, she ended the relationship after about 3months of being together with him. She decided to go back to an ex-boyfriend who she was seeing and lived with for almost 2years before meeting my friend. From what I was told during the time she was together with her ex, he was a very heavy drinker, had a bad attitude when he drank and was verbally abusive to her. Then she meets my friend and things were great. Well this ex boyfriend came back and promised her that who would change, stop drink, stop trying to control her life and be a better man..blah..blah. I understand they had a history together but she believed this and ended her relationship with my friend to go back to him. From what I saw when they were together things were excellent, they loved each other, had great sex and things were pretty sweet. His job was abit tough from I was told but but he tried to change things to make more time for each other. He is heart broken but told him not to worry, this guy she went back to maybe great right now but will never change. From we were told he has been a heavy drinker almost all of his life and drinks heavy every day, now he has stopped.

It is hard to change this habit after such a long time of abuse. I have told my friend she will see this from him again, it may not be now but soon once they start getting comfortable again.

So guys what do you think, was she right in going back and will her ex and thinks he has changed his bad habits and booze? I personally don't think so, have seen it to many times before and it ends the same way.wink

 

[skihrdr]

Personally, I think that your friend is better off that she's gone. Obviously she wasn't into the relationship like your friend was and that she will take an out when ever she wants to.

Just my quick view on it.

 

[TheNiteHwk]

This can be a blessing in disguise for your friend. If she comes from an abusive relationship then she may or would have left your friend eventually anyway. In my experience this is almost always the case. You are right IMO the abusive guy will most likely abuse her again and the same pattern will repeat itself. She will look for a temporary shoulder to cry on just to take a break in-between abusive relationship. Like I said if she did not go back to her ex… she would have eventually found another bad guy to go to. Tell your friend to be happy that it was only three months. Because it could have been longer and then his emotional investment would have been much more and the hurt much deeper. I have seen this all to often as I have in the past been that shoulder to cry on. Women who come from abusive backgrounds always go for the nice guys like us to get some temporary relief… but invariably will return to or find another one to take it’s place because they are bored in normal relationships. They need that mistreatment and abuse to ad some extra spice and excitement to their relationships. Trust me I know from first hand experience. Also I have discussed this topic with professionals more then a few times. When I meet a new lady in my life now and find out she comes from an abusive background… I don’t walk, I RUN away. Your friend should do the same.

 

[booboobear]

Hmm, well need some input. But I already think I know the answer but need a guys point of view.

Just recently a good friend of mine seperated from his girl-friend, she ended the relationship after about 3months of being together with him.

I think she should and probably did give him several chances to change while she was with him. Maybe after she finally left he decided he missed her more than the booze. It is true some people go back to their old ways but alcoholics and drug users do reform so time will tell . If he does go back to drinking she should leave right away. I also agree with the comment that some women seek out abusive relationships.

 

[red]

your friend should have crates of liquor delivered to the ex-boyfriend. see what happens

 

[sarak]

I agree, I was told that when this guy was drinking he always had an attitude, said nasty things. When they orginal broke-up she came to to point enough was enough and kicked him. I have told my friend that he is better off right now. She maybe be happy becuase he is keeping his promise and changed but the honeymoon will wear off. Aparently the guy she went back is alot older that her, she was in her late 30's and her ex was in his mid 50's and smokes alot of POT. hahaha, nice mix.

So the question still unanswered, in the majority of cases, do this happen often, were those men who drink alot, stop for short periods and then start again. Some do change but mostly never will at a certian age

I think also I will tell my friend to send a case of vodka to him and see what happens also..lol

 

[sarasota]

..So the question still unanswered, in the majority of cases, do this happen often, were those men who drink alot, stop for short periods and then start again. Some do change but mostly never will at a certian age

...

I dont' have access to the stats; but, from what I hear it happens most of the time. Where I work there was an alcoholic who began drinking on the job. When his job was threatened he sobbered up. However, after a few weeks he was back drinking. First time I have seen such a thing. Very spooky. He was'nt violent, but it was like he was possessed. The sober guy I knew was no longer in there. I understand why so many people from alcholic homes can have so much difficulty later in life. Especially if they were with abusive alcoholics.

Interestingly, his girlfriend defended him.

 

[sarak]

I have told my friend that he is better off right now. She maybe be happy becuase he is keeping his promise and changed but the honeymoon will wear off. Aparently the guy she went back is alot older that her, she was in her late 30's and her ex was in his mid 50's and smokes alot of POT. hahaha, nice mix.

So the question still unanswered, in the majority of cases, do this happen often, were those men who drink alot, stop for short periods and then start again. Some do change but mostly never will at a certian age

I think also I will tell my friend to send a case of vodka to him and see what happens also..lol

Yes, something about the drink, especially when you mix it with out substances. Funny that you mentioned the girlfriend defended him after what happened and he went back to drinking..so sad why some women can never figure this out.

 

[newbler]

50's... reforming their ways... lol there's no changing people at that age, OLD PEOPLE ARE FUCKING STUBBORN

 

[sarak]

50's... reforming their ways... lol there's no changing people at that age, OLD PEOPLE ARE FUCKING STUBBORN

Yeah at that age, it is hard to change no matter how hard you try especially when you smoke up daily. wink, just feel sad for my friend he is a grat guy, but that is the story for everyone, some women are so cruel.

 

[ruck]

Old people are stubborn. But they also change.
If he's getting professional help, there is a chance.

As for your friend, he's all good. I was going after this one chick when I was younger and after I didnt' get her, I realized it was for the best. She went back to her ex-boyfriend who was a big cokehead. She also dabbled in coke and I was a former cokehead. All of that didn't add up to good times. Well sort of. In any case, it's good she didn't become a part of my life. I might be one fucked up individual if she had.

 

[RTRD]

Truer words...

This can be a blessing in disguise for your friend.

You are right IMO the abusive guy will most likely abuse her again and the same pattern will repeat itself. She will look for a temporary shoulder to cry on just to take a break in-between abusive relationship. Like I said if she did not go back to her ex… she would have eventually found another bad guy to go to. Tell your friend to be happy that it was only three months. Because it could have been longer and then his emotional investment would have been much more and the hurt much deeper. I have seen this all to often as I have in the past been that shoulder to cry on. Women who come from abusive backgrounds....invariably will return to or find another one to take it’s place because they are bored in normal relationships.

When I meet a new lady in my life now and find out she comes from an abusive background… I don’t walk, I RUN away. Your friend should do the same.

...(at least as I picked through them) were never spoken.

Biggest realization in my life was that there are in fact dysfunctional people in this world, are they are not for me to fix, but instead for me to avoid, or if the insist and the opportunity presents itself, use (which is what they really want anyway). They are NEVER to emotionally bond with.

To the Original Poster - if the sex was great (it often is with dysfunctional women) and your friend can be strong enough to see as JUST sex - his "friend' can make an excellent fuck buddy. Otherwise, he should stay the fuck away from here, because she WILL come back, and the pattern WILL repeat itself....

 

[Hard Idle]

Yes, something about the drink, especially when you mix it with out substances. Funny that you mentioned the girlfriend defended him after what happened and he went back to drinking..so sad why some women can never figure this out.

First of all, this guy is full of shit. If he never appreciated her enough before to change his life, he isn't going to make more than a halfass effort this time either. Instead, this is all about him getting back what he lost and reversing something positive which she has done for herself. Also, having controlled her before, he figures it will take less work to manipulate her as opposed to starting over with a new fool.

Why can't she figure it out? Well, some people are abuse junkies.

She may actually see a nutless punk who is a bully at home as some architypal macho figure - perhaps it was with this sort of man that she discovered her sexuality and she never grew out of it - just like the men who still fantasize about the same centerfold/cheerleader type to which they owed their early teenage wank sessions.

Other people seek this type of trouble because they have a victim complex and misery is actually their comfort zone - they put themselves in the situation which confirms their identity and world view.

Or she is the Nurturer-Martyr type; If they are not qualified to do demanding work which really helps people (Doctor, Nurse, SexWork...) they focus on trying to "save" one person. She might think that all her heartbrake and bruises will give her lots of credits in Heaven, or she might believe that just one more show of devotion will make the bum really love her.

Some people take in stray animals, others take in human troublemakers.

 

[Yuri]

This can be a blessing in disguise for your friend. If she comes from an abusive relationship then she may or would have left your friend eventually anyway. In my experience this is almost always the case. You are right IMO the abusive guy will most likely abuse her again and the same pattern will repeat itself. She will look for a temporary shoulder to cry on just to take a break in-between abusive relationship. Like I said if she did not go back to her ex… she would have eventually found another bad guy to go to. Tell your friend to be happy that it was only three months. Because it could have been longer and then his emotional investment would have been much more and the hurt much deeper. I have seen this all to often as I have in the past been that shoulder to cry on. Women who come from abusive backgrounds always go for the nice guys like us to get some temporary relief… but invariably will return to or find another one to take it’s place because they are bored in normal relationships. They need that mistreatment and abuse to ad some extra spice and excitement to their relationships. Trust me I know from first hand experience. Also I have discussed this topic with professionals more then a few times. When I meet a new lady in my life now and find out she comes from an abusive background… I don’t walk, I RUN away. Your friend should do the same.

TheNiteHwk:
Your point of view is 100% truth & acurate...listent to what he says, he is dead on right
Boy you should be in relationship counseling

 

[Yuri]

I agree, I was told that when this guy was drinking he always had an attitude, said nasty things. When they orginal broke-up she came to to point enough was enough and kicked him. I have told my friend that he is better off right now. She maybe be happy becuase he is keeping his promise and changed but the honeymoon will wear off. Aparently the guy she went back is alot older that her, she was in her late 30's and her ex was in his mid 50's and smokes alot of POT. hahaha, nice mix.

So the question still unanswered, in the majority of cases, do this happen often, were those men who drink alot, stop for short periods and then start again. Some do change but mostly never will at a certian age

I think also I will tell my friend to send a case of vodka to him and see what happens also..lol

Let me see, mid-50's drinks or did drink heavely (liver probably shot) smokes pot (mind/brain is a mess) and would suspect he is over-weight...my opinion this guy won't last another 2-3 yrs before he has a killer heart attack.

 

[Neverenuff$]

Well people do successfully quit (for good) drinking , smoking, drugs, hobbying, escorting, stripping .. all the time .

Maybe this is one of those times ?

 

[TheNiteHwk]

I think she should and probably did give him several chances to change while she was with him. Maybe after she finally left he decided he missed her more than the booze. It is true some people go back to their old ways but alcoholics and drug users do reform so time will tell. If he does go back to drinking she should leave right away. I also agree with the comment that some women seek out abusive relationships.

Well people do successfully quit (for good) drinking, smoking, drugs, hobbying, escorting, stripping .. all the time.

Maybe this is one of those times ?

Yes it’s true that people do sober up all the time. Also though… Sobriety is very difficult and challenging to maintain without help. I wonder if this guy is seeking some help or his he just white knuckling it. In recovery circles there is an old saying: Nothing changes, nothing changes or You sober up an old horse thief, you still have an old horse thief. You can’t just put the cork in the jug and just go on like nothing ever happened and expect life to be hunky dory. Real long-term sobriety requires massive amounts of introspection and a strong motivation to change. He must admit deep down in his heart all his past indiscretions; not just mouth the words. And that’s only the beginning. He must really want to do this for him not to get his SO back. This situation does not sound like that to me. And here is the kicker. She also needs help. I’m willing to bet this is not the first time that she has been in an abusive relationship. She needs to do a little introspection herself. She has to work on herself not him and visa versa. Not easy at the best of times. Trust me… I know, been there done that too many times. Give me a bit… I’ll find some links that may help. I’ll pray for your friend.

 

[TheNiteHwk]

http://al-anon.alateen.on.ca/whatis/index.html

http://www.reseau-canadien-sante.ca...esource/CHNResourcePageTemplate&c=CHNResource

http://groups.google.ca/group/Al-Anon?lnk=rgh

 

[Svend]

If she was with the first guy for only 2 years, she doesn't have a lot invested in him and didn't even know him before the drinking. She shouldn't feel the need to reform him, she should look at herself and wonder why she chose him in the first place.
Does she like to party hard herself but is a more social drunk?

 

[tboy]

Nite said it best but still, it is true that some do overcome their dependencies. If this is actually the case then we should be happy for the girl who went back to her ex. Only time will tell though.

It could be too that the girl is a co-dependant type personality and going back to him could just "enable" him to start drinking again. The common sense thing for her to do is say "when you get your 3rd blue chip, I will see you once a month. When you get your 1st gold chip, I will see you often..."

Alcoholism affects a lot of people and there are thousands who get it under control and keep it under control. Sure there will be setbacks because it is a lifelong battle. If the girl is strong enuff to stand by her man, support him during his setbacks and celebrate his victories, then all the power to her!

BTW: it is pretty common for women to want instability in their relationships. WHo the hell wants a nice guy, who will always be there for her, with a steady job, earns a decent living and has no major vices? What fun is that? Boring as hell if you ask me...(some) women want the turmoil of a relationship like this.....I dated a woman who was like this. Whenever things were going really good between us, out of nowhere would this "issue" arise and cause a big fight (mostly it ended up being so fricken trivial as to be laughable but it would take hours of arguing to discover the true issue).