Submissive Woman

[Macator2003]

I have been seeing a young woman off and on for a six months and she has pushing me to tie her up and spank her and now she wants to wear a collar. I am not into the this kind of scene - though the sex with her is fantastic and I enjoy her as a person- she is very intelligent (she is a grad student) I am going to end the relationship.

My question is this- I would like to try and talk her out of becoming a submissive but I am not sure how to do it.

Red, you've been on the board for 8-1/2 years now, and are a person I have respect for. I'm not about to insult you by asking you to give this young woman my name and contact info.

Over the last 5-10 years, I have had my eyes opened by some of the most beautiful Ladies this side of Venus. They have shared some pretty personal stuff. I've been surprised by some of their comments. A few have told me that they're bisexual, others had confided that they absolutely love BDSM.

I would suggest looking over some of the information on BDSM before trying to talk this Lady out of becoming a submissive.

I'd go even farther by suggesting you give it a try, provided its safe and consensual.

I'm not into spanking (or laying a hand on a lady). There is so much more to it than that.

What about buying her a remote controlled vibrator or a We Vibe and making her wear it around the mall or on an afternoon excursion. There are so many activities that the two of you can pursue that can be so much hotter than vanilla sex.

 

[FOOTSNIFFER]

Women are a gift from paradise, my friend. You could do worse in life than giving your best to make this young lady happy. Make her feel special...that's what we men are here for, at least in part.

 

[mypussykat]

i just a read book that explained many women are sexually submissive as it allows them the freedom to truly let go of inhibitions. they feel less inhibited if they are being "forced" to perform sexually.

go with it.

there is no changing a woman who is truly wired for this stuff. sure if she loves you, she may go vanilla for a period of time. but she will be denying her real identity. not fair to either of you.

mpk

 

[Hard Idle]

OP already said he plans to end the relationship so there is no point of telling him she'll leave and find someone else.

Personally I agree with the decision to not do something he's not comfortable with. Sometimes you just have to accept you are not a good match with someone. Seems like the longer they are together, the more she reveals dimensions which he is uncomfortable with.

Besides if he tries to fake being something that he's not, she will eventually become dissatisfied with the apparent lack of conviction and will turn elsewhere to get it done right.

I too would be somewhat uncomfortable with it. The more I liked the woman, the less comfortable I'd be. I couldn't get past the tendency to psychoanalyze why she is requesting this.

 

[blackrock13]

OP already said he plans to end the relationship so there is no point of telling him she'll leave and find someone else.

Personally I agree with the decision to not do something he's not comfortable with. Sometimes you just have to accept you are not a good match with someone. Seems like the longer they are together, the more she reveals dimensions which he is uncomfortable with.

Besides if he tries to fake being something that he's not, she will eventually become dissatisfied with the apparent lack of conviction and will turn elsewhere to get it done right.

I too would be somewhat uncomfortable with it. The more I liked the woman, the less comfortable I'd be. I couldn't get past the tendency to psychoanalyze why she is requesting this.

That was sort of clear from his OP, but I think he might have been looking for some validation for his decision. I could be wrong, but........ .

 

[Hard Idle]

Yeah well I'm just wondering if all the people who are urging the OP to be more broadminded and try whatever it takes to indulge her would be so cooperative if the request was something like taking strap-on or an interractive bi-threesome with another guy...

As for trying to talk her out of it, I agree that's a very long shot and in making the attempt the OP should be prepared for the possibility that even the friendship may be lost if she becomes defensive about the matter, or she infers a judgement from it and takes offense.

It's not likely to work, but if he wants to try it (probably for closure purposes more than anything else) it would be somewhat confrontational to immediately approach it from the a position where it comes across as "What's the matter with you?" or "Lets see if we can help to fix you?" (duh!).

Instead, begin by presenting your discomfort with her fetish as mainly YOUR problem. For example "To me this is a little too close to the border line where violence and disrespect are around the corner. I have difficulty seeing dominating behaviour in a loving or sexual context. I can't get away from associating collaring and corporal punshment with anaimal breaking tactics."

If it were me, I'd take the risk of also putting the more incendiary material on the table: " To be honest, I need help understanding why someone would have such a strong drive to be treated this way. Could it lead to desires for even more hard-core activities which I could never embrace? I guess I'm conditioned to wonder if there are some underlying issues behind this type of fetish."
**********

You know, in my opinion, even if this is just a harmless random fetish that is clearly confined to play time, I believe that a well balanced person would appreciate in a serious BF the reluctance to proceede with this. She SHOULD be slightly worried about a guy who is immediately all gung-ho to tie up and corporally punish a woman, and where that's comming from ...it SHOULD be preferrable to be patient and endure some frustration with a guy who needs to be brought into this slowly with plenty of reassurance.

 

[torontojohn]

Meh. If you're not into a sub girlfriend, you might as well dump her. Long term, you're never going to be happy, and neither is she.

If it's short term, tell her you're not into that and be prepared for things to wind down.

 

[red]

thank you for all the advice and the pms. Some very helpful and thoughtful.

I talked with her friday night and let her know that it wasn't my thing, even though I enjoyed being with her and as long as we were "playing" it was fun but that I could not really do this. She appreciated my honesty but wasn't too happy.

thanks again.

 

[The Garden]

contact info please.

lmfao!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[a 1 player]

Red,

It just sounds to me like the two of you are somewhat sexually incompatible, in the manner that the both of you have two different levels of kink. No biggie, I'm pretty sure it has happened to every one of us at least once over the years. I personally do not believe in trying to change anyone from being who they are. I guess the question to both of you is 'will you both be happy having somewhat different sexual needs and desires'? That is only for the two of you to answer.

 

[scourottawa]

her phone# please.

 

[Molly Robinson]

I have been seeing a young woman off and on for a six months and she has pushing me to tie her up and spank her and now she wants to wear a collar. I am not into the this kind of scene - though the sex with her is fantastic and I enjoy her as a person- she is very intelligent (she is a grad student) I am going to end the relationship.

My question is this- I would like to try and talk her out of becoming a submissive but I am not sure how to do it.

You can't talk someone out of being submissive. I find it interesting she is asking you to do this. If you are not a natural dom it normally does not work for the sub.

 

[Viggo Rasmussen]

You can't talk someone out of being submissive.

Can't you demand and force her not to submit, tie her up and spank her if she doesn't listen?

 

[Stoo]

I appreciate that this is a very old thread, but I wanted to add a comment anyway.

I am involved with a woman and we have comfortably fallen into a D/s relationship. Like the OP I had no experience in this at all, nor did I have any interest. If anything, I always felt like I'd like to be submissive to the right woman. This woman had, and does still, think of herself as being somewhat dominant.

For some reason, just our personalities, the roles we thought we might fit were reversed... and I am loving it. We very quickly went from typical handcuffs and blindfolds to serious airplay, whipping, public (remote) "torture" via tasks etc. We both acknowledge that we are playing at this. It's not a lifestyle, but it is fun as fuck. Had you asked me if I found strangling a woman a turn on a few months ago, I'd have said hell-no. Reluctantly, we began with some light choking and now I use a belt to choke her to the point of almost losing consciousness... it makes her gush, and me queezy, but ya gotta keep the ladies happy, right.

I sometimes wonder where this will end up. It's an adventure...

 

[thirdcup]

This reminds me of the joke involving a masochist and a sadist. The masochist says I want you to hurt me, and the sadist says no.

BTW, what is the difference between submission and domination? - Assuming besides who is the giver and who is the receiver.

 

[frankcastle]

How many guys complain their partner doesnt do x y or z?

I am sure we have all had partners who may have done things that we wanted but it was not their thing.

Relationships should be reciprocal.

But if you try it and cant tolerate it then yes ending it is best for both of you.