The official joke thread

[friendz4evr]

A redneck wanted to learn how to skydive, so he got an instructor and started taking lessons. The instructor told the redneck to jump out of the plane and pull his ripcord. The instructor then explained that he himself would jump out right behind him so that they would go down together. The redneck understood and was ready.

The time came for the redneck to jump out of the airplane. The instructor reminded the redneck that he would be right behind him. The redneck proceeded to jump from the plane, and after being in the air for a few seconds, he pulled the ripcord. The instructor followed by jumping from the plane. The instructor pulled his ripcord, but the parachute did not open. The instructor, frantically trying to get his parachute open, darted past the redneck.

The redneck, seeing this, yelled as he undid the straps to his parachute, "So you wanna race, eh?"

 

[dragondick]

Visa Application Interview

An Arab was interviewed at the US Embassy for a visa

Consul : What is your name?
Arab: Abdul Aziz

Consul: Sex?
Arab : Six to ten times a week

Consul: I mean, male or female?
Arab : Both male and female and sometimes even camels

Consul: Holy cow!
Arab : Yes, cows and dogs too!!!!

Consul: Man,........ isn't it hostile?
Arab : Horse style, dog style, any style

Consul: Oh.......... dear!
Arab : Deer? No deer, they run too fast!

 

[friendz4evr]

A blonde gets a dent in her car and takes it to the repair shop.

The repairman, noticing that the woman is blonde, decides to have a wee bit of fun.

So he tells her that all she has to do is take it home and blow in the tailpipe until the dent pops itself out.

After 15 minutes of this, the blonde's blonde friend comes over and asks what she is doing.

"I'm trying to pop out this dent, but it's not really working."

"Duh. You have to roll up the windows first!"

 

[WhaWhaWha]

Business Man < lafftrax > 03/22 21:17:36

A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport.
It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness.
The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom.
The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.
The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous!
I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you.
He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your season Green Bay Packer Tickets.
He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun.
He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"

The cabby said, "I'd cover his ass up with that blanket before he catches a cold."

 

[WhaWhaWha]

A guy walks into a bar and sees a hottie sitting at the bar. Hi he says
Hi back she says and before he can say another word she says, i love to screw. i will screw anybody anywhere anytime. My place , youe place dressed, undressed whatever i just love to screw everybody!

Really he says smiling, Im a lawyer too> What firm are you with?

 

[WhaWhaWha]

2 Little Old Ladies...


Two little old ladies were sitting on
a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show
was in progress.One leaned over and said, "Life is
so darned boring. We never have any fun any more. For $5.00
I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid
flower show!" "You're on!" said the other
old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill.The first old lady
slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely
naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the
front door of the flower show. Waiting outside, her
friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed
by loud applause and shrill whistling.The smiling
and naked old lady came through the exit door surrounded by
a cheering crowd."What happened?" asked her waiting
friend."I won 1st prize as Best Dried
Arrangement."

 

[WhaWhaWha]

So, there's this global, worldwide meeting for people who believe in ghosts. It's hosted by a very large hotel, in which there's an auditorium with stadium-style seating. The place is packed--every seat is filled.

The lights dim, a silence settles over the crowd.
Below most of the seats, there's a stage with a single podium in the center. The curtain parts a little, and an elderly gentleman hobbles to the podium, leans into the microphone and clears his throat.

"Ladies and Gentlemen," he says, "I must start off by saying how delighted I am to see all this support for ghosts." His speech is followed by tremendous cheering and clapping. He continues, "But, just to make sure everyone's in the right place, why don't we have a show of hands for everyone who believes in ghosts."

Every hand in the auditorium goes up. The man claps his hands and says, "Great, great! So, it really does look as if everyone came to the right convention; splendid. Now, I'm going to ask another question, and it'd be great if we could get the same support for this one. Ready, here's the question: How many people can claim that they've seen a ghost?"

"Wow," he continues, "almost everyone! That's amazing, it really is!" He pauses before continuing, "OK...how many people have make physical contact," his hand slams down on the podium, "with a ghost?"

He does a quick tally of the hands and estimates. "That's pretty good. So everyone here believes in ghosts, probably 90% of us have seen them, and maybe half of us have touched one...here's the next question: Is there anyone here, anyone at all, who has made physical love with a ghost?"

Dead silence fills the room. Then one hand is raised, all the way in the back.

The old man leans into the microphone and beckons with a hand, saying, "Well! Sir, would you mind coming all the way down here and telling the audience just what it was like, making love with a ghost?"

The man at the back of the room stands, slaps his forehead, and stammers, "Oh! I thought he said goat!"

 

[WhaWhaWha]

Little girl and her dog


A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk?"

Mom replies, "No, she is in heat."

"What's that mean?" asked the child.

"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk?
I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."

Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."

He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the
leash and only go one time round the block."

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

 

[WhaWhaWha]

Say it With Bunnies

A Message to PETA - Written In Rabbits
PETA - People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals

"All of God's creatures deserve a special place. Like right next to my mashed potatoes!"

 

[friendz4evr]

A middle-aged guy went to his doctor and asked for a prescription of the strongest Viagra available because he had got two young nymphomaniacs staying at his house for a few days.

Later that week he went back to the doctor and asked for painkillers. "What's the problem?" asked the doctor. "Is your penis in that much pain?"

"No," said the guy. "It's for my wrists, the girls never showed up."

 

[BallzDeep]

Why did the blonde lady move?

She found out most accidents happen within the home.

Why did she take her house numbers with her?

She didn't want to change her address.

 

[lookingforitallthetime]

Hank works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and he plays golf every Saturday.

Hanks's wife thinks he pushes himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them with, "Hey, Hank! How ya doin?"

Hank's wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no,"says Hank. "He's on my bowling team." When they are seated, a waitress asks Hank if he'd like his usual, and brings over a Budweiser.

Hank's wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" Hank says, "She waitresses at the golf club on weekends. I always have a Bud at the end of the first nine, honey."

A few minutes later a stripper stops at their table. She throws her arms around Hank, starts to rub herself all over him, and says, "Hi, Hanky. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Hank's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Hank follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Hank tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four-letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Hank, you picked up a real bitch this time."

 

[secret_touch]

Man! I Feel Like A Woman!

Only a Newfoundlander can make you feel like a REAL woman!!


A plane passed through a severe storm.
The turbulence was awful, and things went from
bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning.

One woman lost it completely. She stood up in the
front of the plane and screamed, 'I'm too young to die',
she cried. Then she yelled, 'If I'm going to die, I want my
last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there
anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?'


For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared
at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then a man from Newfoundland stood up in the
rear of the plane. He was handsome, tall, well
built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes.
Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning
his shirt as he went, one button at a time.
No one moved. He removed his shirt.

Muscles rippled across his chest.

She gasped...
Then, he spoke...


'Iron this -- and then get me a beer.'
__________________

 

[Jade4u]

A virile, middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman.

Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?" Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No."

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping.
Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?"

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispers in his ear, "No,
I Norwegian."

 

[secret_touch]

Sore Throat

 

[friendz4evr]

Thrifty Therapy
A couple, both aged 70, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse."

The doctor charged them $82 for the session. This happened several weeks in a row: the couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no apparent problems, pay the doctor, and then leave.

Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

The old man replied, "We're not trying to find anything out. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Sheraton charges $120 and the Hilton charges $150. We do it here for $82, and I get $68 back from Medicare."

 

[Shades]

The Cremated Husband

Martha recently lost her husband. She had him
cremated and brought his ashes home.

Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out
on the patio table. Then, while tracing her fingers in
the ashes, she started talking to him....

"Herman, you know that dishwasher you promised me? I
bought it with the insurance money!"

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the
ashes then said, "Herman, remember that car you
promised me? Well, I also bought it with the
insurance money!"

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing
her fingers in the ashes she said, "Herman, that
diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with
the insurance money!"

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she
said, "Herman, remember that blow job I promised you?"
Here it comes"

 

[Jade4u]

Two buddies, Bob and Larry, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Larry throws up all over himself. "Oh, no... Now my wife will kill me!"

Bob says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill."

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker. Eventually Larry stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a bad time.

"You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're disgusting!"

Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words, Larry says,
"Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin. tsh snot wha jew think. I only had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got sick on me...he had one too many! and he juss koudin hold hizz liquor. He said hes was verrry sorry an' gave me twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!"

His wife looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this is forty bucks.."

"Oh, yeah... I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too."

 

[repeat]

What do you call a hooker with her hand up her skirt?

Self employed.

 

[daKoolGuy]

A trucker was driving his fully loaded rig to the top
of a steep hill.
Just as he was starting down the equally steep other
side, he noticed a man and a woman lying in the
center of the road, making wild and passionate love.
In total disbelief, he blew his air horn several times
as he was bearing down on them.
He realized that they were not going to stop or get
out of his way, so he slammed on his brakes and
stopped just inches from them.
Furious, he got out of the cab and walked to the front
of the truck.
He looked down at the two, still in the road, and
yelled,"What's the matter with you two? Didn't you
hear me blowing the horn? You could have been killed!"
Eventually, the man looked up at the truck driver,
obviously satisfied and not too concerned and
said,"Look, I was coming, she was coming, and you were
coming. You were the only one with
brakes........."