The official joke thread

[Jade4u]

Hmmmmmm

First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.
Then he said to himself, Theres something hes needing
After casting about for a suitable pearl,
He kept messing around and created a girl.
Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.
Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.
Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.
Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.
Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.
Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing...........
Then he added a mouth, and ruined the whole damn thing

 

[friendz4evr]

A man is driving down a country road when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. Of course, the farmer is blond.

He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing and looking at nothing.

The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks, "Ah, excuse me, mister, but what are you doing?"

The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."

"How?" asks the man, puzzled.

"Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field!"

 

[friendz4evr]

A young blonde bride calls her mother in tears. She sobs, "Robert doesn't appreciate what I do for him."

"Now, now," her mother comforted, "I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding."

"No, mother," you don't understand, "I bought a frozen turkey roll and he yelled and screamed at me about the price!"

"Well, the nerve of that lousy cheapskate!" says her mom, "Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars."

"No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey, it was the airplane ticket."

"Airplane ticket.... What did you need an airplane ticket for?"

"Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the package and it said: 'Prepare from a frozen state,' so I flew to Alaska!"

 

[friendz4evr]

The Wishing Well

A couple comes up to a wishing well. The guy leans over, makes a wish and throws in a penny.

His wife decides to make a wish too, but she leans over too far, falls into the well, and drowns.

The guy says, "Wow, it really works."

 

[Jade4u]

A lady from New York State, who was a tree hugger and a vociferous anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of the natural splendor of her purchase so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a Bald Eagle that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest country doctor. She told him what an environmentalist and anti-hunter she was and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry lady demanded, What took you so long? He smiled and then told her, Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the U.S. Forest Service, the Bureau of Land Management, NYS Department of Environmental Conservation, and the Adirondack Park Agency before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area. Im sorry, but they all turned me down.

 

[friendz4evr]

A filthy rich man in Florida decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the ONLY redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking,
dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with the women. At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10ft man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who is brave enough to jump in."

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool! Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell.

Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a K-mart goldfish.Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief!

Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars. "No, that's okay. I don't wont it," said Leroy. The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How 'bout half a million bucks
then? "No thanks. I don't wont it," answered Leroy. The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing dude! How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options? Again Leroy said no!

Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then what do you want?" Leroy said, "I want the name of the sumbitch who pushed me in the pool."

 

[bestillmehard]

Barbara Walters was doing a documentary on the customs of the
American Indians. After a tour of the reservation they lived on,
she asked why there was a difference in the number of feathers found
in the headdresses of the various Indians.

She asked a brave who only had one feather in his headdress what
this meant. His reply was "Me have only one squaw, me have only one
feather."

She asked another brave, feeling the first fellow was only joking,
this brave had four feathers in his headdress.. He replied, "Ugh, me
have four feathers because me fuckum four squaws"

Still not convinced the number of feathers indicated the number of
squaws involved, she decided to interview the chief.

Now the chief had a headdress full of feathers which, needless to
say, amused Ms. Walters. She asked the chief, "Why do you have so
many feathers in your headdress?"

The Chief proudly beat his chest and said, "Me chief, me fuckum
all; big, small, fat, tall, me fuckum all." Horrified, Ms. Walters
stated, " You should be hung." The chief replied, "You damned right
me hung--thick like snake, me hung like buffalo."

Ms. Walters cried, "You don't have to be so goddamn hostile." The
chief replied, "Hoss style, dog-style, any style, me fuckum all."

Tears in her eyes, Ms. Walters cried, "Oh dear." The chief replied,
"No deer,----me fuck no deer. Run too fast, assholes too high. No
fuck deer."

 

[Jade4u]

Top 10 Reasons to come to work naked

10. No one ever steals your chair.

9. Gives bad hair day a whole new meaning.

8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

7. People stop stealing your pens after theyve seen where you keep them.

6. You want to see if its like the dream.

5. To stop those creepy programmer guys from looking down your blouse.

4. Id love to chip in... but I left my wallet in my pants.

3. Inventive way to finally meet that special person in Human Resources.

2. Can take advantage of your computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

1. Your boss will never say, I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00 ever again.

 

[friendz4evr]

A lady approached her priest and said, "Father, I have a problem. I have 2 female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing: "Hi, we're prostitutes; do you want to have some fun?"

"That's terrible!" the priest exclamed, but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your parrots to my house. I will put them in with my 2 male talking parrots, which I taught how to pray. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your parrots will learn to worship."

The next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His 2 male parrots are holding rosary beads and are praying.

The lady puts her female parrots in the cage will the male parrots, and the female parrots immediately say, "Hi, we're prostitutes; do you want to have some fun?"

One male parrots looks over to the other and exclaims, "Put those beads away. Our prayers have been answered!!!"

 

[Jade4u]

Top Ten Reasons beer is better then women
10...You can have a beer in public.
9...When you go to a bar you can always pick up a beer
8...A beer wont get upset when you come home with beer on your breath.
7...You can enjoy a beer all month long.
6...A beer doesnt get jealous when you grab another beer.
5...You always know youre the first one to pop a beer.
4...You dont have to wash a beer before it tastes good.
3...A beer is always wet.
2...A beer always goes down easy.
1...You can share a beer with your friends.

Top Ten Ways To Get Rid Of A Telemarketer
10...Yea, I could use a credit card,I just filed for bankruptcy.
9...What are you wearing right now?
8...Im wearing....(Add Lib)
7...How do you spell your name, yourcompany name, any kids...etc...
6...OMG I havent seen you since highschool, (Go on and on)
5...(Screaming) Oh My God I have to go and hang up.....
4...What? What????? I cant hear you.
3...Can you speak very slowly, I have to write it all down....
2...Can you fax this to me, (Give a fake number)
1...Hey, Im under house arrest, couldyou bring me some beer?


Top Ten Blonde Inventions
10...The water-proof towel
9...Solar powered flashlight
8...Submarine screen door
7...A book on how to read
6...Inflatable dart board
5...A dictionary index
4...Ejector seat in a helicopter.
5...Powdered water
2...Pedal-powered wheel chair
1...Water-proof tea bag


Top Ten Ways to tell your HMO is going bankrupt
10...Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.
9...Directions to your doctors office include, Take a left when you enter the trailer park.
8...Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.
7...Only proctologist in the plan is Gus from Roto-Rooter.
6...Only item listed under Preventive Care coverage is an apple a day. 5...Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
4...Patient responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges is not a typo.
3...The only expense covered 100% is embalming.
2...With your last HMO, your Prozac didnt come in different colors with little ms on them.
1...When you ask for Viagra, you get a Popsicle stick and duct tape.


Top Ten Funniest Email Adresses
10...Hellen Thomas Eatons (Duke University) - eatonsht@dku.edu
9...Martha Elizibeth Cummins (Fresno University) - cumminme@fu.edu
8...George David Blowmer (Drop Front Drawers & Cabinets Inc.) -blowmegd@dropdrawers.com
7...Mary Ellen Dickinson (Indiana University of Pennsylvania) -dickinme@iup.edu
6...Francis Kevin Kissinger (Las Verdes University) -kissinfk@lvu.edu
5...Barbara Joan Beeranger (Myplace Home decorating)- beeranbj@myplace.com
4...Amanda Sue Pickering (Purdue University) - aspicker@pu.edu
3...Ida Beatrice Ballinger (Ball State University) -ibballin@bsu.edu
2...Bradley Thomas Kissering (Brady Electrical, Northern Division,Overton Canada) - btkisser@bendover.com
1...Isabelle Haydon Adcock (Toys R Us) - ihadcock@tru.co


Top Ten Childrens books never published
10...You Were An Accident.
9...Strangers Have The Best Candy.
8...Attention Deficit Disorder Handbook For Children..Hey Lets Go Play
7...What Is That Dog Doing To That Other Dog?
6...Daddys New Girlfriend, Steve.
5...101 Animal Cruelties.
4...Controlling Your Playground Through Fear.
3...Things Rich Kids Have And You Never Will.
2...Garfields Got Feline AIDS.
1...Blackmail The Principal...The Study Guide.


Top Ten ways to tell your car sucks
10...People behind you change lanes to keep your oil off their windsheild
9...Tractor trailer drivers are afraid to pass you.
8...Opening your trunk includes finding a screwdriver.
7...Your driveway looks like an oil slick and the EPA cites you for it. 6...Your friends would rather walk or ride a bus to school or work than ride in it.
5...The motor is so loud you cant hear a dumptruck crash through a nitroglycerin factory.
4...You have ever had to leave it running for fear it might not start back up.
3...You have ever been chased down by a firetruck.
2...You refer to your car as beast, P.O.S. junker, or hooptee.
1...You have ever parked on the side of the road and someone stops and asks you if you are injured.


Top Ten ways to tell you are fat
10...You dance and make the band skip.
9...You go bungee jumping and go straight to hell.
8...You go to the zoo and elephants throw you peanuts.
7...Your drivers liscense says Picture continued on other side.
6...You go to a restaraunt and insted of amenu ,you get an estimate.
5...You have to use a boomerang to put a belt on.
4...Your family portrait has stretch marks.
3...People have to take three trains and abus ride to get on your good side.
2...Your nickname is HOLY $HIT.
1...You get runs in your jeans.



Top Ten Things Men Shouldnt Yell In Victorias Secret
10... Does this come in childrens sizes?
9...No thanks, just sniffing.
8...Ill be in the dressing room going blind.
7...Mom will love this.
6...Oh, the size wont matter. Shes inflatable.
5...No need to wrap it up. Ill eat it here.
4...Will you model this for me???
3...The Miracle What??? This is better than world peace
2...45 bucks?? Youre just gonna end up NAKED anyway
1... Oh, honey, youll never squeeze your fat ass into that.


Top Ten Reasons Why Sex Is Better Than School
10.... Everbody likes sex and nobody likes school,except for virgins and only because they havent had sex yet.
9.... Sex sucks, moans, licks, pumps, throbs etc... School just sucks.
8.... After sex you feel like smoking a cigarette. After school you feel like smoking something a whole hell of a lot stronger.
7.... You only get disciplined during sex if you want to.
6.... Drinking drives people to sex, where as school drives people to drink.
5....Sex relieves stress. School is the cause of stress.
4.... Nothing beats the hands on experience you get with sex.
3.... After sex you feel like you have accomplished something.
2.... Sex is cheaper. Even if you have to pay for a hooker, it is still cheaper than paying thousands of dollars in tuition.
And the Number 1 reason why sex is better than school is........
1.... At least you have a choice whether or not you want to have sex. At school your teachers screw you regardless.


Top Ten Not To Say When You Get Pulled Over
10.... Sorry, Officer, I didnt realize my radar detector wasnt plugged in.
9.... Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
8.... Youre not gonna check the trunk are you?
7.... I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. Thats how far ahead of me they are.
6.... I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
5.... Officer says, Son, Your eyes look red, have you been drinking? You respond with, Officer, your eyes looked glazed, have you been eating donuts?
4.... Hey, you mustve been doin about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job
3.... Gee, Officer Thats terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning too
2.... Arent you the guy from the Village People?
l.... I cant reach my license unless you hold my beer.


Top Ten shortest books
10.... DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE
9.... DR. KEVORKIANS COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
8.... EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
7.... EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
6.... ALL THE MEN IVE LOVED BEFORE - by Ellen DeGeneres
5.... MIKE TYSONS GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
4.... SPOTTED OWL RECIPES - by the Sierra Club
3.... THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
2.... MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS - by O. J. Simpson
1....MY BOOK OF MORALS - by Bill Clinton


Top Ten Funniest Newspaper Headlines
1.... Overeating main cause of obesity
2.... Dog kills cat, self
3.... Two ships collide. One dead
4.... Found -- the gene that causes belief in genetic determinism
5.... A congressionally-funded study has determined that many smokers are ignoring the warning labels on cigarette packages.
6.... Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
7.... Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
8.... Eye Drops Off Shelf
9.... Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax
10.... Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

 

[Jade4u]

Top Ten best condoms
10.....Nike condom: Just do it.
9.....Toyota condom: Oh what a feeling.
8.....Diet Pepsi Condom: You got the right one, baby.
7.....Pringles condom: Once you pop, you cant stop.
6.....Mentos condom: The freshmaker.
5.....Flintstones Vitamins condom: Ten million strong and growing.
4.....Secret condoms: Strong enough for a man, but pH balanced 3.....for a woman.
2.....Macintosh condom: It does more, it costs less, its that simple.
1.....Ford condoms: The best never rest.
MORE GOOD ONES..
Chevy condoms: Like a rock.
Dial condom: Arent you glad you use it?
Dont you wish everybody did?
New York Lotto condom: Cause hey- you never know.
California Lotto condom: Whos next?
Avis condom: Trying harder than ever.
KFC condom: Finger-licking good.
Coca-cola condom: Always the real thing.
Lays condom: Betcha cant have just one.
Campbells condom: Mmm, mmm, good.
General Electric condom: We bring good things to life.
AT&T condom: Reach out and touch someone.
Bounty condom: The quicker picker upper.
Microsoft condom: Where do you want to go today?
Energizer condom: It keeps going and going and going....
M&M condom: Melts in your mouth not in your hand.
Taco Bell condom: Get some; make a run for the border.
MCI condom: For friends and family.
Doublemint condom: Double your pleasure, double your fun.
The Sears latex condom: One coat is good for the entire winter.
Delta Airlines Travel Pack condom: Delta is ready when you are.
United Airlines Travel pack condom: Fly United.
The Star Trek condom: To boldly go where no man has gone before.


Top Ten things A Man Would Never Say
10..... I think Barry Manilow is one cool motherfucker.
9..... While Im up, can I get you a beer?
8..... I think hairy butts are realy sexy.
7..... Her tits are just too big.
6..... Sometimes I just want to be held.
5..... That chick on Murder She Wrote gives me a woody.
4..... Sure, Id love to wear a condom.
3..... We havent been to the mall in ages. Lets go shopping and I can hold your purse.
2....Fuck Monday Night Football, lets watch Murphy Brown.
1..... I think were lost. Wed better pull over and ask for directions.


Top Ten things A Woman Would Never Say
10..... Could our relationship be more physical? Im tired of just being friends.
9..... Go ahead and leave the seat up. Its easier for me to douche that way.
8..... I think hairy butts are really sexy.
7..... Hey, get a whiff of that one.
6..... Please dont throw that old T-shirt away. The holes in the armpit are just too cute
5..... This diamond is way too big
4..... I wont even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow
3..... Wow, it really is 14 inches
2..... Does this make my butt look too small?
1..... Im wrong. You must be right again.

 

[Jade4u]

Why men's letters to "Dear Abby" don't get printed

Dear Abby,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what
could be a crucial decision:
I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.
The usual signs... phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My
wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I
ask their
names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."
I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always
walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as if she
has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi?
I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went
berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why
was I checking up on her.
Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep
down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out
again and I decided to really check on her.
I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson motorcycle next to
the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole
street when she came home.
It was at that moment, crouching behind my Harley, that I noticed that the
valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil.
Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the
dealer?

Thanks,
Bob

 

[Jade4u]

A very wealthy man, old and desperately ill, summons to his bedside his three closest advisors: his doctor, his priest, and his lawyer. -I know,- he says, they say you cant take it with you. But who knows? Suppose theyre mistaken. Id like to have something with me, just in case. So I am giving each of you an envelope containing one hundred thousand dollars and I would be grateful if at my funeral you would put the envelopes in my coffin, so that if it turns out that its useful, Ill have something. They each agree to carry out his wish. Sure enough, after just a few weeks, the old man passes away. At his funeral, each of the three advisors is seen slipping something into the coffin. After the burial, as the three are walking away together, the doctor turns to the other two and says, -Friends, I have a confession to make. As you know, at the hospital we are desperate because of the cutbacks in funding. Our CAT SCAN machine broke down and we havent be able to get a new one. So, I took $20,000 of our friends money for a new CAT SCAN and put the rest in the coffin as he asked.-

At this the priest says, -I, too have a confession to make. As you know, our church is simply overwhelmed by the problem of the homeless. The needs keep increasing and we have nowhere to turn. So I took $50,000 from the envelope for our homeless fund and put the rest in the coffin as our friend requested.-

Fixing the other two in his gaze, the lawyer says -I am astonished and deeply disappointed that you would treat so casually our solemn undertaking to our friend. I want you to know that I placed in his coffin my personal check for the full one hundred thousand dollars.

 

[Jade4u]

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, If Im going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman.

She removes all her clothing and asks, Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, Here, iron this.

 

[Jade4u]

How are women and tornadoes alike?

They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.

 

[friendz4evr]

Nothing To Eat (just in time for the season)

A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey.

The artist does it and it comes out looking really good. The woman then instructs him to put a Santa Claus with "Merry Christmas" written on her left thigh.

The artist does it and it comes out looking good too. As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist says, "If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?"

She says, "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there¿s nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!"

 

[Jade4u]

A young female teacher was giving her class of six year olds a quiz behind my back Ive got something red, round and you can eat it. what is it? she asked. an apple replied little Raymond no, said the teacher its a tomato but it shows your thinking. Ive now got something round, a greenish colored you can eat it. An apple, replied little Ian No its an onion, but it shows your thinking. Little scruffy Johnny at the back of the class says Ive got something under my desk thats an inch long, white and it has a red end. Dirty little boy, said the teacher No its a match, but it shows you were thinking, he answered.

 

[Jade4u]

What did the blonde's left leg say to her right leg?

Between the two of us, we can make a lot of money.

 

[WhaWhaWha]

Proof that someone in the Catholic church is heterosexual

Now this was a great Pope!

 

[Jade4u]

Q. How can you tell that a blonde sent you a fax?
A. It has a stamp on it.