A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of real alligator shoes in the worst way, but she didn't want to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Darn, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
The official joke thread
- Thread starter Gilbey
- Start date
A mother and father took their 6-year-old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother’s, and asked her why.
She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."
The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger "units" than his dad.
His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play.
Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly told his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."
She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."
The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger "units" than his dad.
His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play.
Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly told his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."
One night, the Potato family sat down to dinner--Mother Potato and her three daughters. Midway through the meal, the eldest daughter spoke up. "Mother Potato?" she said. "I have an announcement to make."
"And what might that be?" said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in her eldest daughter's eyes.
"Well," replied the daughter, with a proud but sheepish grin, "I'm getting married!"
The other daughters squealed with surprise as Mother Potato exclaimed, "Married! That's wonderful! And who are you marrying, Eldest daughter?"
"I'm marrying a Russet!"
"A Russet!" replied Mother Potato with pride.
"Oh, a Russet is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!"
As the family shared in the eldest daughter's joy, the middle daughter spoke up. "Mother? I, too, have an announcement."
"And what might that be?" encouraged Mother Potato.
Not knowing quite how to begin, the middle daughter paused, then said with conviction, "I, too, am getting married!"
"You, too!" Mother Potato said with joy. "That's wonderful! Twice the good news in one evening! And who are you marrying, Middle Daughter?"
"I'm marrying an Idaho!" beamed the middle daughter.
"An Idaho!" said Mother Potato with joy. "Oh, an Idaho is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!"
Once again, the room came alive with laughter and excited plan for the future, when the youngest Potato daughter interrupted. "Mother? Mother Potato? Um, I, too, have an announcement to make."
"Yes?" said Mother Potato with great anticipation.
"Well," began the youngest Potato daughter with the same sheepish grin as her eldest sister before her, "I hope this doesn't come as a shock to you, but I am getting married, as well!"
"Really?" said Mother Potato with sincere excitement. "All of my lovely daughters married! What wonderful news! And who, pray tell, are you marrying, Youngest Daughter?"
"I'm marrying Peter Jennings!"
"Peter Jennings?!" Mother Potato scowled suddenly. "But he's just a common tater!"
"And what might that be?" said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in her eldest daughter's eyes.
"Well," replied the daughter, with a proud but sheepish grin, "I'm getting married!"
The other daughters squealed with surprise as Mother Potato exclaimed, "Married! That's wonderful! And who are you marrying, Eldest daughter?"
"I'm marrying a Russet!"
"A Russet!" replied Mother Potato with pride.
"Oh, a Russet is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!"
As the family shared in the eldest daughter's joy, the middle daughter spoke up. "Mother? I, too, have an announcement."
"And what might that be?" encouraged Mother Potato.
Not knowing quite how to begin, the middle daughter paused, then said with conviction, "I, too, am getting married!"
"You, too!" Mother Potato said with joy. "That's wonderful! Twice the good news in one evening! And who are you marrying, Middle Daughter?"
"I'm marrying an Idaho!" beamed the middle daughter.
"An Idaho!" said Mother Potato with joy. "Oh, an Idaho is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!"
Once again, the room came alive with laughter and excited plan for the future, when the youngest Potato daughter interrupted. "Mother? Mother Potato? Um, I, too, have an announcement to make."
"Yes?" said Mother Potato with great anticipation.
"Well," began the youngest Potato daughter with the same sheepish grin as her eldest sister before her, "I hope this doesn't come as a shock to you, but I am getting married, as well!"
"Really?" said Mother Potato with sincere excitement. "All of my lovely daughters married! What wonderful news! And who, pray tell, are you marrying, Youngest Daughter?"
"I'm marrying Peter Jennings!"
"Peter Jennings?!" Mother Potato scowled suddenly. "But he's just a common tater!"
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around
several times, does he become disoriented?
If people from Poland are called Poles, why
arent people from Holland called Holes?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
Why isnt the number 11 pronounced onety one?
Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
I thought about how mothers feed their babies
with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered
what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
If its true that we are here to help others,
then what exactly are the others here for?
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would
be if it didnt zigzag?
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast.
The mime next door went nuts.
Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
Do people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little
bottles of Evian water know that spelling it backwards
is Naive?
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...Does
that mean the fifth one enjoys it?
several times, does he become disoriented?
If people from Poland are called Poles, why
arent people from Holland called Holes?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
Why isnt the number 11 pronounced onety one?
Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
I thought about how mothers feed their babies
with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered
what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
If its true that we are here to help others,
then what exactly are the others here for?
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would
be if it didnt zigzag?
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast.
The mime next door went nuts.
Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
Do people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little
bottles of Evian water know that spelling it backwards
is Naive?
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...Does
that mean the fifth one enjoys it?
60 above zero:
Floridians turn on the heat.
People in New England plant gardens.
50 above zero:
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
People in New England sunbathe.
40 above zero:
Italian & English cars wont start.
People in New England drive with the windows down.
32 above zero:
Distilled water freezes.
Moosehead Lakes water gets thicker.
20 above zero:
NYers don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, woolhats.
People in New England throw on a flannel shirt.
15 above zero:
New York landlords finally turn up the heat.
People in New England have the last cookout before it gets cold.
Zero:
People in Miami all die...
New Englanders close the windows.
10 below zero:
Californians fly away to Mexico.
People in New England get out their winter coats.
25 below zero:
Hollywood disintegrates.
The Girl Scouts in New England are selling cookies door to door.
40 below zero:
Washington DC runs out of hot air.
People in New England let the dogs sleep indoors.
100 below zero:
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
New Englanders get frustrated because they cant start the kah.
460 below zero:
ALL atomic motion stops (absolute zero on the Kelvin scale).
People in New England start saying...Cold nuffor ya?
500 below zero:
Hell freezes over.
Red Sox win World Series
Floridians turn on the heat.
People in New England plant gardens.
50 above zero:
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
People in New England sunbathe.
40 above zero:
Italian & English cars wont start.
People in New England drive with the windows down.
32 above zero:
Distilled water freezes.
Moosehead Lakes water gets thicker.
20 above zero:
NYers don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, woolhats.
People in New England throw on a flannel shirt.
15 above zero:
New York landlords finally turn up the heat.
People in New England have the last cookout before it gets cold.
Zero:
People in Miami all die...
New Englanders close the windows.
10 below zero:
Californians fly away to Mexico.
People in New England get out their winter coats.
25 below zero:
Hollywood disintegrates.
The Girl Scouts in New England are selling cookies door to door.
40 below zero:
Washington DC runs out of hot air.
People in New England let the dogs sleep indoors.
100 below zero:
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
New Englanders get frustrated because they cant start the kah.
460 below zero:
ALL atomic motion stops (absolute zero on the Kelvin scale).
People in New England start saying...Cold nuffor ya?
500 below zero:
Hell freezes over.
Red Sox win World Series
Hung Chow calls in to work and says, Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come work. The boss says, You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. That makes everything better and I go work. You try that. Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house.
An 80 year old couple goes to the Doctor's office. The doctor tells the old man that he (the doctor) needs a Urine sample, a Semen sample, and a Feces sample. The old man can't hear what the doctor says so he turns to his wife and says, "What did he say???"
His wife turns to him and yells, "He wants a pair of your underwear."
His wife turns to him and yells, "He wants a pair of your underwear."
B
biancataylor
Q. What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get.
Q. What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn't?
A. A navel.
Q. What is the difference between a woman and a washing machine?
A. You can bung your load in a washing machine and it won't call you a week later.
Q. Why did god create Adam before he created eve?
A. Because he didn't want anyone telling him how to make Adam.
Q. What is a lesbian's favorite thing to eat?
A. A Klondike Bar
Q. What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A. "How do you breath through something so small?"
Q. Why don't women wear watches?
A. There's a clock on the stove!
Q. What doesn't belong in this list : Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?
A. Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.
Q. Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms?
A. They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman.
Q. What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
A. Getting fingered by Captain Hook.
Q. What do a walrus and Tupperware have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.
Q. What's the difference between a wife and a wheelie bin?
A. You only have to take out a wheelie bin once a week.
Q. What did the two lesbian frogs say to each other?
A. WE DO TASTE LIKE CHICKEN!
Q. What did the banana say to the vibrator?
A. Why are you shaking she's going to eat me.
Q. What would happen if the Pilgrims had killed cats instead of turkeys?
A. We'd eat pussy every Thanksgiving.
Q. What's the difference between love and herpes?
A. Love doesn't last forever.
Q. How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex?
A. Call her and tell her.
Q. A man noticed that his credit card had been stolen but didn't report it.
A. The thief was spending less then his wife.
Q. Why do women have small feet?
A. So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
Q. Why do men die before their wives?
A. They want to.
Q. How do men sort out their laundry?
A. Filthy, and filthy but wearable.
Q. What's the difference between a man and ET?
A. ET phoned home.
Q. Why haven't they sent a woman to the moon yet?
A. It doesn't need cleaning.
Q. Why is a pap smear called a pap smear?
A. Because women wouldn't do them if they were called xxxx scrapes.
Q. What's the difference between your paycheck and your cock?
A. You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!
Q. What do you call kids born in whorehouses?
A. Brothel sprouts.
Q. What's the difference between a 40 year-old man, and a 40 year-old woman?
A. A 40 year-old woman dreams of having children, a 40 year-old man dreams of dating them.
Q. What's white, smells, and can be found in panties?
A. Clitty litter
Q. I married Miss Right.
A. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."
Q. Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
A. When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.
Q. How do you know when your cat's done cleaning himself?
A. He's smoking a cigarette.
Q. Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
A. He worked it out with a pencil.
Q. Who's the world's greatest athlete?
A. The guy who finishes first and third in a masturbation contest.
Q. Why do men pay more for car insurance?
A. Women don't get blow jobs while they're driving
Q. Why do schools in West Virginia only have Drivers Ed two days a week?
A. Because they need their cars for Sex Ed the other three days a week!
Q. Three words to ruin a man's ego...
A. "Is it in?"
Q. What is the cheapest meat?
A. Deer balls, there under a buck.
Q. How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count?
A. If the girl has to chew, before she swallows.
Q. What's in the toilet of the star ship enterprise?
A. The captains log.
Q. What do you call a woman with her tongue sticking out?
A. A lesbian with a hard-on.
Q. What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
A. A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.
Q. Did you hear they came out with a new lesbian shoe?
A. They're called Dikes. They have an extra long tongue and only take one finger to get off!
Q. What's the difference between tampons and cowboy hats?
A. Cowboy hats are for ass holes.
A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get.
Q. What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn't?
A. A navel.
Q. What is the difference between a woman and a washing machine?
A. You can bung your load in a washing machine and it won't call you a week later.
Q. Why did god create Adam before he created eve?
A. Because he didn't want anyone telling him how to make Adam.
Q. What is a lesbian's favorite thing to eat?
A. A Klondike Bar
Q. What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A. "How do you breath through something so small?"
Q. Why don't women wear watches?
A. There's a clock on the stove!
Q. What doesn't belong in this list : Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?
A. Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.
Q. Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms?
A. They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman.
Q. What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
A. Getting fingered by Captain Hook.
Q. What do a walrus and Tupperware have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.
Q. What's the difference between a wife and a wheelie bin?
A. You only have to take out a wheelie bin once a week.
Q. What did the two lesbian frogs say to each other?
A. WE DO TASTE LIKE CHICKEN!
Q. What did the banana say to the vibrator?
A. Why are you shaking she's going to eat me.
Q. What would happen if the Pilgrims had killed cats instead of turkeys?
A. We'd eat pussy every Thanksgiving.
Q. What's the difference between love and herpes?
A. Love doesn't last forever.
Q. How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex?
A. Call her and tell her.
Q. A man noticed that his credit card had been stolen but didn't report it.
A. The thief was spending less then his wife.
Q. Why do women have small feet?
A. So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
Q. Why do men die before their wives?
A. They want to.
Q. How do men sort out their laundry?
A. Filthy, and filthy but wearable.
Q. What's the difference between a man and ET?
A. ET phoned home.
Q. Why haven't they sent a woman to the moon yet?
A. It doesn't need cleaning.
Q. Why is a pap smear called a pap smear?
A. Because women wouldn't do them if they were called xxxx scrapes.
Q. What's the difference between your paycheck and your cock?
A. You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!
Q. What do you call kids born in whorehouses?
A. Brothel sprouts.
Q. What's the difference between a 40 year-old man, and a 40 year-old woman?
A. A 40 year-old woman dreams of having children, a 40 year-old man dreams of dating them.
Q. What's white, smells, and can be found in panties?
A. Clitty litter
Q. I married Miss Right.
A. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."
Q. Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
A. When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.
Q. How do you know when your cat's done cleaning himself?
A. He's smoking a cigarette.
Q. Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
A. He worked it out with a pencil.
Q. Who's the world's greatest athlete?
A. The guy who finishes first and third in a masturbation contest.
Q. Why do men pay more for car insurance?
A. Women don't get blow jobs while they're driving
Q. Why do schools in West Virginia only have Drivers Ed two days a week?
A. Because they need their cars for Sex Ed the other three days a week!
Q. Three words to ruin a man's ego...
A. "Is it in?"
Q. What is the cheapest meat?
A. Deer balls, there under a buck.
Q. How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count?
A. If the girl has to chew, before she swallows.
Q. What's in the toilet of the star ship enterprise?
A. The captains log.
Q. What do you call a woman with her tongue sticking out?
A. A lesbian with a hard-on.
Q. What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
A. A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.
Q. Did you hear they came out with a new lesbian shoe?
A. They're called Dikes. They have an extra long tongue and only take one finger to get off!
Q. What's the difference between tampons and cowboy hats?
A. Cowboy hats are for ass holes.
A kid came home from school and asked his dad, Dad, I heard some kids talking about a thing called a vagina. What is a vagina, and what does it look like?
Well, son, before sex it looks like a beautiful unopened rose.
Wow, what does it look like after sex?
Well, son, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonaise?
Well, son, before sex it looks like a beautiful unopened rose.
Wow, what does it look like after sex?
Well, son, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonaise?
B
biancataylor
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together.
Daryl arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Daryl said, Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over.
The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, Nope, aint Bubba.
The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at the body and said, Yup, hes pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, No, it aint Bubba.
The mortician asked, How can you tell?
Gomer said, Well, Bubba had two assholes.
What? He had two assholes? said the mortician.
Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.
Daryl arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Daryl said, Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over.
The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, Nope, aint Bubba.
The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at the body and said, Yup, hes pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, No, it aint Bubba.
The mortician asked, How can you tell?
Gomer said, Well, Bubba had two assholes.
What? He had two assholes? said the mortician.
Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.
A woman has an appointment with a gynecologist. She is escorted to the examining room by the nurse and told to strip from the waist down and sit in the examining chair. So she strips down and puts a sheet over herself and places her feet in the stirrups.
The doctor comes in and lifts the sheet and gasps, "That's the biggest vagina I ever saw! That's the biggest vagina I ever saw!"
The woman replied fuming, "You didn't have to say it twice!"
The doctor answers back, "I didn't!"
The doctor comes in and lifts the sheet and gasps, "That's the biggest vagina I ever saw! That's the biggest vagina I ever saw!"
The woman replied fuming, "You didn't have to say it twice!"
The doctor answers back, "I didn't!"
Politically correct
A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three
black and totally naked men sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.
The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. In fact, he pointed out, "Some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."
When the curator left, a Scottish man approached the couple and asked:
“Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"
"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple.
Because I'm the artist; I painted this picture," he replied. "In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three Scottish
coal-miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."
A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three
black and totally naked men sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.
The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. In fact, he pointed out, "Some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."
When the curator left, a Scottish man approached the couple and asked:
“Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"
"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple.
Because I'm the artist; I painted this picture," he replied. "In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three Scottish
coal-miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."
Smart Ass Answer #5:
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a
man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat.... she said, Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.
Smart Ass Answer #4:
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldnt find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, Do these turkeys get any bigger? The stock boy replied, No maam, theyre
dead.
Smart Ass Answer #3:
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. Ive been waiting for you all day, the cop said. The kid replied, Yeah, well I go here as fast as I could. When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
Smart Ass Answer #2:
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads,
Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, Got stuck, huh? The truck driver says, No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.
#1 SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2004
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrows final exam. Now class, I
wont tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a
nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate
family, but thats it, no other excuses whatsoever A smart ass guy in the backS
of the room raised his hand and asked,What would you say if tomorrow I said I
was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion? The entire class is
reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles
knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says Well, I guess youd have to write the exam with your other hand.
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a
man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat.... she said, Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.
Smart Ass Answer #4:
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldnt find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, Do these turkeys get any bigger? The stock boy replied, No maam, theyre
dead.
Smart Ass Answer #3:
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. Ive been waiting for you all day, the cop said. The kid replied, Yeah, well I go here as fast as I could. When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
Smart Ass Answer #2:
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads,
Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, Got stuck, huh? The truck driver says, No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.
#1 SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2004
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrows final exam. Now class, I
wont tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a
nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate
family, but thats it, no other excuses whatsoever A smart ass guy in the backS
of the room raised his hand and asked,What would you say if tomorrow I said I
was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion? The entire class is
reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles
knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says Well, I guess youd have to write the exam with your other hand.
You know you are from Boston if...
1. You have to dial the area code to call your neighbor
2. You think crosswalks are for babies
3. Khakis are something you start the car with
4. You think if someones nice to you, they either want something or theyre from out of town (and probably lost)
5. You know how to cross 4 lanes of traffic in 5 seconds
6. If you hear someone say pahk the cah in hahvad yahd one more time youre going to slap them upside the head.
7. Anything past Worcester is the middle of nowhere
8. You are amazed when traveling out of town that people who work at McDonalds speak English.
9. You think its not actually tailgating unless your bumper is touching the car in front of you.
10. You know that a yellow light means at least 5 more cars can get through.....
11. and that a red light means 2 more can.
12. Crown Victoria = undercover cop
13. Subway is a fast food place. The transportation system is known as the T, and only the T
14. For the cost of your house, you could own a small town in Iowa.
15. There are 6 Dunkin Donuts within 20 minutes of your house.
16. You or someone in your family worked on the Big Dig
17. When people talk about the curse of the Bambino, you know what theyre talking about (and believe in it too)
18. You know what the blinking red light atop the Hancock tower means in the summer.
19. You think of Rhode Island as the deep south
20. You think the Yankees suck.
21. You believe using a turn signal gives away your plan to the enemy
22. If you stay on the same road long enough, it will eventually have 3 names
23. Someone has honked at you because you didnt peel out the second the
light turned green.
24. Youve honked at someone because they didnt peel out the second the
light turned green.
25. All the potholes just add excitement to your driving experiences.
26. Stop signs mean slow down a little, but only if you feel like it.
27. 6 inches of snow is considered a dusting
28. 3 days of 90+ heat is definitely a heat wave and 63 degree weather is wicked warm.
29. $15 to park is a bargain
30. You cringe every time you hear some actor/actress try to do the
Boston accent, even if they were born here
1. You have to dial the area code to call your neighbor
2. You think crosswalks are for babies
3. Khakis are something you start the car with
4. You think if someones nice to you, they either want something or theyre from out of town (and probably lost)
5. You know how to cross 4 lanes of traffic in 5 seconds
6. If you hear someone say pahk the cah in hahvad yahd one more time youre going to slap them upside the head.
7. Anything past Worcester is the middle of nowhere
8. You are amazed when traveling out of town that people who work at McDonalds speak English.
9. You think its not actually tailgating unless your bumper is touching the car in front of you.
10. You know that a yellow light means at least 5 more cars can get through.....
11. and that a red light means 2 more can.
12. Crown Victoria = undercover cop
13. Subway is a fast food place. The transportation system is known as the T, and only the T
14. For the cost of your house, you could own a small town in Iowa.
15. There are 6 Dunkin Donuts within 20 minutes of your house.
16. You or someone in your family worked on the Big Dig
17. When people talk about the curse of the Bambino, you know what theyre talking about (and believe in it too)
18. You know what the blinking red light atop the Hancock tower means in the summer.
19. You think of Rhode Island as the deep south
20. You think the Yankees suck.
21. You believe using a turn signal gives away your plan to the enemy
22. If you stay on the same road long enough, it will eventually have 3 names
23. Someone has honked at you because you didnt peel out the second the
light turned green.
24. Youve honked at someone because they didnt peel out the second the
light turned green.
25. All the potholes just add excitement to your driving experiences.
26. Stop signs mean slow down a little, but only if you feel like it.
27. 6 inches of snow is considered a dusting
28. 3 days of 90+ heat is definitely a heat wave and 63 degree weather is wicked warm.
29. $15 to park is a bargain
30. You cringe every time you hear some actor/actress try to do the
Boston accent, even if they were born here
Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other mans well often catch crabs.
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other mans well often catch crabs.
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget
Physiotherapist and the Golfer
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed-off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.
"Please allow me to help, I'm a physiotherapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!" she told him earnestly.
"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright. I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.
The woman takes it upon herself to begin to "ease his pain." She began to massage his groin.
After a few moments she asked, "Does that feel better?"
The man looked up at her and replied, "Yes, that feels pretty good... but my thumb still hurts like hell!"
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed-off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.
"Please allow me to help, I'm a physiotherapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!" she told him earnestly.
"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright. I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.
The woman takes it upon herself to begin to "ease his pain." She began to massage his groin.
After a few moments she asked, "Does that feel better?"
The man looked up at her and replied, "Yes, that feels pretty good... but my thumb still hurts like hell!"
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had set their new
wives straight on their duties.
The first man had married a woman from Alabama. He bragged that he had
told his wife to do all the dishes and clean the house. He said that it
took her a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to a clean
house and the dishes were all washed and put away.
The second man had married a woman from So. Carolina. He bragged that he
had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and
the cooking. He told the men that the first day he didnt see any results,
but by the next day it was better, and on the third day, his house was
clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.
The third man had married a Massachusetts girl. He boasted that he told
her his house was to be cleaned, dishes washed, the cooking done and
laundry folded. And this was all her responsibility. He said the first day
he didnt see anything and the second day he didnt see anything but by
the third day some of the swelling had gone down so he could see a little out of his left eye
wives straight on their duties.
The first man had married a woman from Alabama. He bragged that he had
told his wife to do all the dishes and clean the house. He said that it
took her a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to a clean
house and the dishes were all washed and put away.
The second man had married a woman from So. Carolina. He bragged that he
had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and
the cooking. He told the men that the first day he didnt see any results,
but by the next day it was better, and on the third day, his house was
clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.
The third man had married a Massachusetts girl. He boasted that he told
her his house was to be cleaned, dishes washed, the cooking done and
laundry folded. And this was all her responsibility. He said the first day
he didnt see anything and the second day he didnt see anything but by
the third day some of the swelling had gone down so he could see a little out of his left eye
TOTOP TEN REASONS FOR GUNS OVER WOMEN
#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
# 9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.
# 8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
# 7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.
# 6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
# 5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
# 4. Guns function normally every day of the month.
# 3. A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
# 2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman....
# 1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN
***************
#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
# 9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.
# 8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
# 7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.
# 6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
# 5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
# 4. Guns function normally every day of the month.
# 3. A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
# 2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman....
# 1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN
***************
