The official joke thread

[Jade4u]

A little old lady

A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her. "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast now," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?" "Oh, no", says the little old lady.

"You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of Lambeau Field.

Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes and right into my flower beds! So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say $20 or off it comes!"

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well," says the little old lady, "some guys think I'm bluffing."

 

[Jade4u]

lawsuit




Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true they're suin' them cigarette companies fer causin' people to git cancer?"

"Yes, Bubba, sure is true," responded the lawyer.



"And now someone is suin' them fast food restaurants fer makin' them fat an' cloggin' their arteries with all them burgers an' fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?"

"Sure is, Bubba."



"And that lady sued McDonald's for millions when she was gave that hot coffee that she ordered?"

"Yep."



"And that football player sued that university when he gradiated and still couldn't read?"



"That's right," said the lawyer. "But why are you asking?"



"Well, I was thinkin' . . What I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all them ugly women I slept with?""

 

[Jade4u]

Senior Sex

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with
each other for a long time.

Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get
married.Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long
conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally,
the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their
physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather
trustingly.

"Well," she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say, I
would like it infrequently."

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then, looking over his
glasses, he casually asked, "Is that one word or two words?"

 

[Jade4u]

County Fair

A man takes his wife to the county fair. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him."

They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also."

They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."

The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and see if it was 365 times with the same cow."

 

[Jade4u]

Religious Truths

During these serious times it is important for all of us, of all faiths, to Recognize these four Religious Truths:

1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.

2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.

4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters

 

[Jade4u]

The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it you cannot qualify for this job."

Mujibar said, "I am ready"

The manager said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister manager, I am ready"

The manager said, "Go ahead."

Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"

Mujibar now works as a technician at a call center for computer problems.

No doubt you have spoken to him.

 

[Jade4u]

Why You Should Never Golf With Your Wife

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around, noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it-- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt." "That's when I made my big mistake." "What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the cow's tail again and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"

"I don't remember much after that!"

 

[nominis]

A group of Scottish friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they
opened up a small florist shop to raise funds.

Everyone liked to buy flowers from the pious people, but a rival florist
across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to
close down, but they would not. He begged the friars to close. They ignored
him.
Finally, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most
vicious thug in town, to "persuade" them to close. He beat up the friars and
trashed their store, warning them he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.
Terrified, they did as he demanded.
This shows that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

 

[lasslicker]

Just like Frank

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."



Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right - all the time."
"Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."


Cabbie: "Not Frank. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam of tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano."


Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more....He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me, I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out."
Passenger: "Mmm, there's not many like him around."

Cabbie: "And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong, and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - the perfect man!"

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"


Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank."
Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"
Cabbie: "I married his dammed widow".

 

[Jade4u]

First Time?

A husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first
time we had sex together over fifty years a go? We went behind this
very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love
to you."
"Yes, she says, "I remember it well." "Ok," he says, "How about
taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's
sake?" "Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but very
good idea!"
There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to
all this and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, I've got to see
these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an
eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them. They walk
haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking
sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their
way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops
his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.

Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching
policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes. Finally,
they both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed.
He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old
couple struggles to their feet and put their clothes back on. The
Policeman, still watching, thinks this was truly amazing. I've got to
ask them what their secret is."
As the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was
something else.

You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort
of secret to this?"

The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

 

[luv4lust]

Two prostitutes are standing on a street corner, one says to the other "I think it's gonna be a good night tonight, I can smell cock in the air!"
"Sorry" says the other, "I just burped

 

[luv4lust]

A hot girl walks into the "women doctors" office and sits down. The doctor knocks lightly and then comes in. He sees that the woman is extremely hot. He walks up and wastes no time, he slides his hands up her shirt and starts caressing her boobs and says, "do you know what I’m doing. " she says "yes! You are feeling for cancer right?" he says, "yeah, o yeah." After that he starts taking off the woman’s pants and starts massaging her thighs and says, "do you know what I’m doing now?" she thinks and says "yes! You are feeling for cancer right?" he says a yeah that’s it, feeling for cancer. After that he pulls off his pants gets on top of her and says "do you know what I’m doing now?" she says "O DOC yes I do your getting genital warts and that’s why I came here!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[luv4lust]

A man had just opened a restaurant but he couldn't think of a name. So he decided to name it after the third person that walks in. The third person walks in and the guy asked for her name. She said "Jill." "Well Jill, you have nice legs."
So the guy named the restaurant "Jill's Legs." A week later a drunk was laying on the sidewalk outside the restaurant when a police officer asked him what he was doing. He replied: "I'm waiting for Jill's Legs to open so I can get a bite to eat

 

[luv4lust]

Two women had been having a friendly lunch when the subject turned to
sex. "You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems"
Linda told her friend.
That's amazing!" Mary replied, "So have Tom and I. We're thinking of
going to a sex therapist" said Linda.
"Oh, we could never do that! We'd be too embarrassed!" responded
Mary. "But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?"
Several weeks passed and they met for lunch again. "So, how did
the sex therapy work out, Linda?"

"Things couldn't be better!” Linda exclaimed. "We began with a
physical exam, and afterward the doctor said he was certain he could
help us. He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and
buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the
floor nude, and toss the grapes and donuts at each other. Every
grape that went into my vagina, John had to get it out with his
tongue. Every donut that I ringed his penis with, I had to eat. Our
sex life is wonderful, in fact it's better than it's ever been!"

With that endorsement, Mary talked her husband into an appointment
with the same sex therapist. After the physical exams were completed
the doctor called Mary and Tom into his office. "I'm afraid there is
nothing I can do for you," he said.

But doctor," Mary complained, "You did such good for Linda and John,
surely you must have a suggestion for us! Please, please, can't you
give us some help? Any help at all?"

"Well, OK," the doctor answered. "On your way home, I want you to
stop at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of
Cheerios..."

 

[luv4lust]

How do you make your wife scream after an orgasm?
Wipe your penis on the curtains.

 

[luv4lust]

One sperm says to another: How long will it take to get to the womb??????
The other sperm replies: Quite a while we have to pass the tonsils first!!!!!

 

[luv4lust]

Q. Whats the ultimate in rejection?
A. When you're masturbating, your hand falls asleep

 

[luv4lust]

A man wanted his bull and a cow to mate; he tried everything but couldn't get the too together. So he went to get some advise from a farmer who had the same problem. The farmer told he to t put his hand up the cow’s pussy and then rub his hand around the bulls nose. He went home and did this and then the cow and bull were at it none- stopping. He went home and wondered if it would work on humans so he rubbed his hand around his wife’s pussy and rubbed it around his face and he got the biggest bone ever so he woke his wife up and said look! She turned to him and said, “ You have just woken me up to show me you have a nose bleed?”

 

[Jade4u]

Kitty-cat who stuttered

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human
beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could
become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the
rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew
it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!

"That must've been scary", said the teacher.

"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff,
Fffff'... and before he could say "Fuck," the rottweiler ate him!"

 

[lasslicker]

GUTS vs. BALLS

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you
still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out, smelling of perfume
and liquor, lipstick on your neck, slapping your wife on the butt and
having the balls to say: "You're next."