The official joke thread

[Jade4u]

Everyone farts, admit it or not. Kings fart, queens fart. Edward Lear, the
19th-century English landscape painter, wrote affectionately of a favorite
duchess who gave enormous dinner parties attended by the cream of society.

One night she let out a ripper and, quick as a flash, she turned her gaze
to her stoic butler, standing as always behind her.

"Hawkins!" she cried, "Stop that!"

"Certainly, your Grace," he replied with unhurried dignity. "Which way did
it go?"

 

[Jade4u]

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

 

[hotn_1]

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?" "Of course. What may I do for you?" "Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?" "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie." "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you." When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare." The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" "I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead Father." "Next!"

 

[Jade4u]

Dear Wife:
You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have
certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy.
I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you
will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive
this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year old
teaching assistant.
Sincerely,
Your Husband

I'll be home before midnight.

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for
him that read as follows:

Dear Husband: You, too, are 54 years old and by the time you
receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the
18-year old pool boy.
Since you are a mathematician, you will appreciate that 18 goes
into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore don't wait up.
Your Wife

 

[Jade4u]

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. Men will screw anything.


p.s I did not write this joke, but thought it a good change from "how many blondes."

 

[Jade4u]

A nurse from England was on duty in the emergency department, when a punk rocker
entered. This young woman had purple hair styled into a Mohawk, a variety of
tattoos and strange clothing. It was determined that the patient had acute
appendicitis and was scheduled for immediate surgery.

When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff found that
her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it was a tattoo reading: "Keep off
the grass."

After the prep and the surgery, the surgeon added a small note to the dressing,
which said: "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

 

[Jade4u]

Once there was a midget who complained to his buddy
that his testicles ached all the time. As he was always
talking about his aching testicles his friend suggested that he go to
the doctor & see what he could do to relieve the problem.
The midget took his advice and went to the doctor
& told him what the problem was. The doctor told him to
drop his pants & he would have a look.
The midget dropped his pants & the doctor put him
up onto the examining table & proceeded to look for the
trouble. The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the
midget to cough, which he did.
"Ah! Ah!" mumbled the doc and putting his finger
under the right one asked him to cough again, which he did.
"Ah! Ah!" said the doctor and reached for his surgical scissors.
Snip, snip, snip on the right side & then snip,
snip, snip on the left side & he told the midget to pull up his
pants & see if it still ached. The midget was delighted as he
walked around the doc's office and his testicles were not aching.

"What did you do Doc?" he asked.

The doc replied..."I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy
boots!!"

 

[Jade4u]

Several men are in the locker room of a golf country club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2006 models. I saw one I really liked"
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .... The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're only asking $950,000"
MAN: "Well, go ahead and make them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....

He smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

 

[lasslicker]

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

 

[Jade4u]

Night Out

The other night I was invited for a night out with "the guy's". I told my wife that I would be home by midnight "I promise!"

Well, the hours passed and the beers went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing that my wife would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed) in order to avoid a possible conflict with her.

The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her "midnight". She didn't seem pissed off at all.. Whew! Got away with that one!

Then she said, "We need a new cuckoo clock". When I asked her why she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, then said 'Oh. Shit, then cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

 

[Jade4u]

Lawsuit

Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true they're suin' them cigarette companies fer causin' people to git cancer?"

"Yes, Bubba, sure is true," responded the lawyer.



"And now someone is suin' them fast food restaurants fer makin' them fat an' cloggin' their arteries with all them burgers an' fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?"

"Sure is, Bubba."



"And that lady sued McDonald's for millions when she was gave that hot coffee that she ordered?"

"Yep."



"And that football player sued that university when he gradiated and still couldn't read?"



"That's right," said the lawyer. "But why are you asking?"



"Well, I was thinkin' . . What I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all them ugly women I slept with?""

 

[luv4lust]

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.

She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."

He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar."

The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

 

[luv4lust]

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!

 

[luv4lust]

Difference Between Men and Women

1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.

5. Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot more willing to die.

6. Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.

9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

10. There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage & after marriage.

 

[luv4lust]

what men would do if they had a vagina for a day

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if they could finally do the splits.

7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.

6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.

5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time.

4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.

2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.

1. Finally find that damned G-spot.

 

[Jade4u]

The Farmer's New Telephone

There was a farmer out in the country, a meek little guy who had a
speech problem and couldn't talk right. He got his first telephone,
the kind that hangs on the kitchen wall and has to be cranked to
get the operator.

Soon after it was installed, he tried his first call. (crank,
crank, ring, ring)

"Operator".

"Gimme fvree, fvree, one, fi, pease."

"Excuse me?"

"I wanna talk ta fvree, fvree, one, fi."

"I don't understand you, sir."

"FVREE, FVREE, ONE, FI!"

"Sir, if you want to make a call, you're going to have to talk
plainer than that."

"Oh, yust shtick it up yer ash!" (slammed the phone down)

The next morning, there was a knock at the farmer's door. Two very
large repairmen from the phone company were there, and they asked
him if he was the one who had used a profanity with their operator.

"Yesh, I yam", he said.

The telephone man said "Sir, we don't stand for our ladies being
treated that way. You have a choice. You can either call her right
now and apologize, or we're going to remove your telephone."

Without saying a word, the little man walked to the
telephone. (crank, crank, ring, ring) "Operator".

"Are yew th' lady I told ta shtick 'dis telephone up her ash?"

Immediately huffy, the operator replied "I CERTAINLY am!"

"Well, get ready. Dere bringin' it in."

 

[Jade4u]

Voodoo dildo

A business mans company tell him that he will have to take a long business trip to japan to clinch an important deal. Unfortunately his wife is known for cheating on him when he goes away. He loves her still but everytime she does it it breaks his heart and this trip will be the longest he has been on. He also knows that she tries hard not to cheat and has done less and less. Having given up smoking he knows how hard it is to shake an addiction so he decides to go to a sex shop to get her something to keep her amused.
On his way home he goes to a little sex shop. He looks around for a bit but doesnt really find anything satisfactory. Just as he is about to leave the owner calls him over.
"Your looking for something special?"
"Yes, i need something to keep my wife busy while im away so she wont cheat"
The owner looks at him hard then reaches under the counter and pulls out a small wooden box with mystical carvings and pictures on it. He slides off the lid and inside sits a carved wooden dildo.
"Whats so special about that?" asks the man
"Watch... Voodoo dildo door"
To the mans suprise the dildo rises from the box and starts fucking the keyhole of the door.
"Voodoo dildo box"
The dildo stops and drops back into its box.
"Thats amazing i'll take it"
After paying for it he walks home with a smile on his face. The next morning after packing he gives his wife her present. At first she is dubious but after showing her the door trick she seems quite pleased, so he leaves on his trip.
After a week she feels then need for a shag but as she wants to stop cheating she instead gets out the dildo.
"Voodoo dildo my pussy"
The dildo rises obediently from the box and starts to shag her brains out.
A hour and ten orgasms later she feels better. Through all the sexual exstasy however she forgets the turn off command. And as she is well into orgasm numer eleven she cant think straight. she trys to pull it out to stop it but it doesnt work, so she deciedes that she will have to go to hospital to have it removed.
In the car on the way there she has another orgasm that makes her swerve dangerously. A police officer see's this and pulls her over. He walks up to the window which she rolls down.
"Have you been drinking?"
"No" The now destrought woman replys
"A voodoo dildo is shagging me and i cant get it to stop im on my way to hospital to have it removed"
"Voodoo dildo" the officer laughs "My arse"

 

[Jade4u]

Blind man in restaurant

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there."
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.
"Ah, yes, that's what I'll have -- meatloaf and mashed potatoes."
Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks toward the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had just happened.
The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.
"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."
"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."
The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.
After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."
Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in, he's going to test him.
The blind man eats and leaves.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen.
He tells his wife, "Sue, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man."
Sue complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
"Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, "Hey I didn't know that Sue worked here..."

 

[Jade4u]

Dog Chow Diet

I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina Dog Chow for my Golden Retriever and was in line to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time --- but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned and was that why I was in the hospital.



I told her no; I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a damn car hit me!

 

[Jade4u]

Night Out

The other night I was invited for a night out with "the guy's". I told my wife that I would be home by midnight "I promise!"

Well, the hours passed and the beers went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing that my wife would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed) in order to avoid a possible conflict with her.

The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her "midnight". She didn't seem pissed off at all.. Whew! Got away with that one!

Then she said, "We need a new cuckoo clock". When I asked her why she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, then said 'Oh. Shit, then cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."