The official joke thread

[Jade4u]

Are you a Liberal, Conservative or Red Neck?

Here is a little test that will help you decide. The answer can be found by posing the following situation and question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.
Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you.

You are carrying a Glock 40 cal, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.

What do you do?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Liberal Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!

Does the man look poor or oppressed?

Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

Could we run away?

What does my wife think?

What about the kids?

Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?

What does the law say about this situation?

Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?

Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?

Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?

Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?

If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?

Should I call 9-1-1?

Why is this street so deserted?

We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.

This is all so confusing!

I need to discuss with some friends over a latte and try to come to a consensus.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Conservative Answer:

BANG!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Redneck Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click.....

(sounds of reloading).

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!BANG! click ...

Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?"

Son: "You got him Pop! Can I shoot the next one?"

Wife: "He’s a Big’n…..You are not taking him to the Taxidermist!"

 

[Jade4u]

Dear Husband:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for
good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to
show for it. These last two weeks have been terrible. Your boss called to
tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last
week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails
done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee.
You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after
watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me
or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, what ever
the case is, I'm gone. PS: If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER
and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life! Your
Ex-wife
>...
..The saga continues.....
Dear Ex-wife
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you
and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry
from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your
constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off
all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look
just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say
anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me
confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I
went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag
was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just
borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So
when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit
my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were
gone.
Everything happens for a reason I guess! I hope you have the filling life
you always wanted. My lawyer said with the letter that you wrote, you won't
get a dime from me. So take care. PS: I don't know if I ever told you this
but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

 

[Jade4u]

Best Little Convent in Texas

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway
when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye.
It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and he
drives on without second thought. Soon he sees another
sign, which says:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are
for real....Then he drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST.FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into
the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a
stone building with a small sign next to the door
reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is
answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks,
"What may we do for you, my son?"

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and
was interested in possibly doing business."

"Very well, my son. Please follow me."

The man is led through many winding passages and is
soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door
and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."

He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit,
holding a tin cup answers the door. This nun
instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup, then go
through the large ! wooden door at the end of this
hallway." He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it
in the second nuns cup.

He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the
door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks
behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot,
facing another small sign:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED
BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER

 

[Meesh]

A teacher was doing a study testing the senses of first graders, using a bowl of Lifesavers.

The children tasted each, and began to say:

"Red............cherry,"
"Yellow........lemon,"
"Green.........lime,"
"Orange.......orange,"

Finally the teacher gave them all honey Lifesaver.

After eating them none of the children could identify the taste.

"Well," he said, "I'll give you all a clue - it's what your mother may sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her Lifesaver out and yelled:

"Oh My God!!!! They're assholes!

 

[luv4lust]

A teacher was doing a study testing the senses of first graders, using a bowl of Lifesavers.

The children tasted each, and began to say:

"Red............cherry,"
"Yellow........lemon,"
"Green.........lime,"
"Orange.......orange,"

Finally the teacher gave them all honey Lifesaver.

After eating them none of the children could identify the taste.

"Well," he said, "I'll give you all a clue - it's what your mother may sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her Lifesaver out and yelled:

"Oh My God!!!! They're assholes!

ROTFLMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

 

[Alexis696969]

What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room
together?


100 people who don't do dick.




What's the ultimate rejection?


. When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

 

[Jade4u]

Warning

The Florida State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishers, and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for alligators while in Osceola, Polk, Manatee, Orange and Dade Counties.

They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the alligators unexpectedly.

They also advise the carrying of pepper spray in case of an encounter with an alligator.

It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of alligator activity.

People should recognize the difference between small young alligator and large adult alligator droppings.

Young alligator droppings are smaller and contain fish bones and possibly bird feathers.

Adult alligators droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray

 

[Jade4u]

Stand by your man

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"

"What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you are bad luck,! "

 

[Jade4u]

Lawyer's Dog


A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, b-lines for the local butcher shop and steals a roast off the counter. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog, running unleashed, steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?"

"Absolutely," the lawyer responded.

The butcher immediately shot back, "Good! You owe me $7.99 for the roast your dog stole from me this morning."

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $7.99. A few days later, the butcher, browsing through his mail, finds an envelope from the lawyer.

The contents reads "Consultation: $25.00."

 

[lasslicker]

Plastic Surgery

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked, "Is my time up?" God said, "No you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon hearing this, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction and a tummy tuck. She even had someone change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

She was released from the hospital but while crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by a car.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years?! Why didn't you pull me out of the path of that car?"

God Replied,"I didn't recognize you."

 

[Jade4u]

Job Descriptions

1. A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

2. An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didnt happen today.

3. A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.

4. An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.

5. A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didnt know you had in a way you dont understand.

6. A mathematician is like a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat that isnt there.

7. A topologist is a someone who doesnt know the difference between a coffee cup and doughnut.

8. A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief."

9. A psychologist is someone who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.

10. A professor is one who talks in someone elses sleep.

11. A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.

12. A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

 

[Jade4u]

Murphys Sex Laws

1. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.

2. Nothing improves with age.

3. No matter how many times you’ve had it, if it’s offered take it, because it’ll never be quite the same again.

4. Sex has no calories.

5. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.

6. There is no remedy for sex but more sex.

7. Sex appeal is 50% what you’ve got and 50% what people think you’ve got.

8. No sex with anyone in the same office.

9. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.

10. A man in the house is worth two in the street.

11. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.

12. Virginity can be cured.

13. When a man’s wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.

14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

15. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can’t stand years later.

16. Sex is dirty only if it’s done right.

17. It is always the wrong time of month.

18. The best way to hold a man is in your arms.

19. When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.

20. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won’t either.

21. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night — Then on Sunday pray for crop failure.

22. The younger the better.

23. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.

24. It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.

25. Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.

27. Before you find your handsome prince, you’ve got to kiss a lot of frogs.

28. There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.

29. Love your neighbor, but don’t get caught.

30. Love is a hole in the heart.

31. If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.

32. Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.

33. Do it only with the best.

34. Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.

35. One good turn gets most of the blankets.

36. You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.

37. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

38. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

39. Thou shalt not commit adultery…..unless in the mood.

40. Never lie down with a woman who’s got more troubles than you.

41. Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.

42. Never argue with a women when she’s tired — or rested.

43. A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn’t.

44. What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.

45. It is better to be looked over than overlooked.

46. Never say no.

47. A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn’t love her.

48. Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.

49. Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.

50. Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.

51. A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.

52. Love comes in spurts.

53. The world does not revolve on an axis.

54. Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.

55. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.

56. Don’t do it if you can’t keep it up.

57. There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.

58. Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.

59. Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.

60. “This won’t hurt, I promise,”

 

[Jade4u]

There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.

The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say theline Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."

The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play hes practicing his line over and over again.

Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and using just one finger he delivered the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."

The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming!

"You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"

The actor was bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?"

"No!" screamed the director. "You forgot the rose!"

 

[Jade4u]

An office manager had money problems & had to fire an employee, either Jack or Jill.

He thought hed fire the employee who came late to work the next morning. Well, both employees came to work very early.

Then the manager thought he would catch the first one who took a coffee break. Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break.

Then the manager decided to see who took the longest lunch break - strangely, neither Jack nor Jill took a lunch break that day, they both ate at their desk.

Then the manager thought hed wait & see who would leave work the earliest, and both employees stayed until after closing. Jill finally went to the coat rack so the manager thought he would simply be honest and ask her advice.

He went up to her and said, "Jill, I have a terrible problem. I dont know whether to lay you or Jack off." Jill said, "Well, youd better jack off - Im late for my bus."

 

[Jade4u]

Husband and wife

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine

children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus

arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are

able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.

After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the

blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you

put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is

driving me crazy." The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at

the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the damn bus, so shut the hell up."

 

[Jade4u]

The boy has it figured out.

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: Im the breadwinner of the family, so lets call me capitalism. Your Mom, shes the administrator of the money, so well call her the Government. Were here to take care of your needs, so well call you the people. The nanny, well consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, well call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nannys room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I thin k I Understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

 

[biancataylor]

The president got off the helicopter in front of the
White House with a baby hog under each arm. The
Marine guard snapped to attention, saluted, and said,
"Nice pigs, sir". The president replied, "These are
not pigs, these are authentic Arkansas Razorback hogs.
I got one for Hillary and I got one for Chelsea."
The Marine again snapped to attention, saluted, and
replied, "Nice trade, sir."

 

[Jade4u]

A girl called jess keeps falling asleep in class
one day the teacher comes up 2 her and goes
JESSICA, TELL ME WHO DIED ON THE CROSS

jess is sleepin so a boy pokes her in the back with a pencil...
in shock she jumps and goes JESUS CHRIST!

CORRECT!

a min later jess falls asleep again and the teacher comes over and goes... JESSICA, TELL ME WHO CREATED THE WORLD
she doesnt reply so the boy pokes her in the back with a pencil again

Jess once again jumps in fright and goes GOD ALMIGHTY

CORRECT!!!

jess falls asleep again yet the teacher comes over and says
JESSICA WAT DID EVE SAY 2 ADAM AFTER THEIR 29TH CHILD?!

Jess is sleeping so the boy pokes her again
she is so annoyed that she stands up and says

IF U POKE THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME IM GONNA RIP IT OFF YA!!

 

[Jade4u]

lil john was given 20 dollars by his dad to go lose his virginity to a hooker,
on the way there he stopped by his grandma’s house for cookies,
Grandma asked: where ae you heading to lil john, he replied: dad gave me money to go lose my virginity to a hooker. Grandma said: oh, well, just give me the 20 dollars and I’ll fuck you.
Lil john went home, dad asked: how did it go with the hooker
lil john replied: I never got to her, grandma fucked me instead.
Dad said: YOU FUCKED MY MOTHER?????!!!!!!!!
lil john replied: Well...... now you know how I feel

 

[Jade4u]

True story, I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldnt overcome and didnt really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldnt say a word. She said, Im going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me. I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldnt ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.