Very Ominous

[mitchell76]

Walking a dog gives you a new leash on life!!

 

[thumper18474]

"OMG shes so disfigured!!" screamed the Paramedic as he covered the accident victims face with towels!
Only after realizing it was a leg injury did he realize....
He Fucked Up!

 

[thumper18474]

Food for thought....
Mashed Potatoes are just Irish Guacamole !

 

[thumper18474]

I saw a couple wearing the same outfit..sharing a box of doughnuts and all I did was tell them they looked liked a happy couple!...and they decided to arrest me!!

 

[kherg007]

Oldie:
Rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy...

 

[thumper18474]

My wife asked me to take her to a restaurant where they make the food right in front of you...she got all dolled up and I took her to Subway..that's when the fight started!

 

[thumper18474]

The Married Man's Prayer:
Dear God...You gave me childhood
Then took it away
You gave me youth ..and again You took it away..
You gave me a wife...
It's been years now...Just putting it out there!!

 

[thumper18474]

I see people my age Skydiving and Mountain
climbing ..I pat myself on the back when I can get my leg through my underwear without losing my balance

 

[wigglee]

What did the agnostic , dyslexic insomniac do when he went to bed? He just laid there wondering if there really is a dog.

 

[thumper18474]

Went to Walmart today...at checkout the cashier said my total was $372.28..
So..I went to the self-checkout for a second opinion ...and my new total was$14.28

 

[thumper18474]

Apparently the guy who invented the ferris wheel never met the guy who invented the merry-go-round...
They traveled in different circles

 

[thumper18474]

Little known fact..
YODAS last name was
LAYHEEHOO

 

[Nickelodeon]

Rodney Dangerfield: When we got married my wife and I agreed to only smoke when we have sex. I smoke one cigarette a week; somehow she's up to 3 packs a day.

 

[thumper18474]

Tsunami----T is silent
Honest-----H is silent
Psychology-----P is silent
Knight----K is silent
Wife---husband is silent
Here endeth the lesson!

 

[kherg007]

Relationship math (a bit dated, so forgive)
Smart man + smart woman = romance.
Smart man + dumb woman = affair.
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage.
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy.

 

[thumper18474]

I was in Walmart the other day and saw this woman crying hysterically..cus she lost $300!
I am a firm believer in paying it forward so I gave her $100 from the $300 I found in the parking lot!
When you get blessed...you have to bless others!

 

[thumper18474]

That moment when your steak is on the grill, and you already feel your mouth watering
Do Vegans feel the same way when mowing the lawn??

 

[thumper18474]

I was in a restaurant last week and I heard 2 very large ladies conversing with accents sitting across from me..I said.." cool accents..are you 2 ladies from Scotland?"
Then 1 of them yells..It's Wales you idiot!
So I said OK..are you 2 Whales from Scotland?
I don't remember much after that!

 

[thumper18474]

Not to brag..but I just went into another room and remembered why I went there...
It was the bathroom .....but a small victory is still a victory

 

[thumper18474]

I was at the Gym the other day with my trainer and he asked me what kind of squat I was accustomed to?...
I said ..Diddly!