Weight issue

[tboy]

I'd like to know why it is that a guy who wants the woman he met and fell in love with to be similar physically being superficial? SOrry, I don't buy that for one millisecond. He fell in love with a woman for who she is/was. Part of who she is/was was a woman who didn't have saddle bags and a gunt. It isn't wrong to think that way just as it isn't wrong for her to feel that she doesn't have to maintain her appearance, it is her choice.

BTW: why is HE selfish for wanting her to look like she did? Isn't it selfish of HER for NOT looking nice for HIM (and herself)?????

Sorry, but physical attraction is a part of the mating ritual and partnership. It is NOT only because of fashion magazines and the media. I mean hell, I have yet to see a peacock reading Maxim and their relationship is TOTALLY based on the male's plummage.......DOH

 

[GOLEAFSGO67]

T-Boy

I agree....

And I think its DUUHHHHH

 

[Herodotus]

Sorry, I know sitting down and listening to her issues is the "good guy" thing to do but in the end, it will amount to a hill of beans. That is ALL she wants. We ALL know that the majority of women (and a lot of men too) let themselves go when they hear the L word and even more so when they hear "I do".

tboy once again showing his empathy and compassion. You're going to make some lucky girl a great partner... let me guess, you're single?

Yes, physical attraction is important, but it is only one part of a relationship. I stand by my assertion that JW should at least talk to his girlfriend and then see if they are at an impasse.

But hey, tboy is the all-seeing, all-knowing TERB sage, so take what I have to say with a big grain of salt!

 

[jw01]

hey guys

i think im just fedup with her not really wanting to do anything. the past few weeks, she been busy with work, but i tell her if she make an hour out to watch tyra banks show, she can for sure dedicate an hr towards working out. that is my biggest concern.

she would rather do jack all (ie. watch tv...stupid shows like tyra where weight and health is such a big issue) and she wont do anything about it. she wont listen to me when i tell her what and how to work out, telling me she knows lol.

other than that, i'm really confused. i'm upset at the fact that, i cant even raise my eyebrows, let alone look at another women (from tv, to magazine to anything) while she can stare at them, talk shit to me about how such and such girl looks like this and is fake lmao, and she knows she wants to look that way. i dont understand the hatred. is she fooling me or herself? i want her to realize this, and she just simply isnt!

it's okay for her to look at other guys, and i frankly dont mind if a guy is w.o a tee and she looks at me, but if i look at girl wearing a bikini or anything at all, it's a SIN lmao. this 2yr old game, i do not understand.

i wouldnt talk about this here as much or post if i didnt know what to do. i'm attracted to her b.c she really is beautiful but her weight gain is just i dont know what to say. i just dont know how to tell her nicely, you gotta really loose the fat or loose me. man, its to hard lol!

thxs for the advice/help so far guys. and the thing is, it's not like what im telling her about working out once a day for an hr is a bad thing, it's so good for the mind and body - but blah lol. im confused!

 

[spatial_k]

I remember reading a great couple of columns in Savage Love about this issue with some interesting advice.

Here's the original:

http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove?oid=442309

And here are the responses:

http://www.laweekly.com/la-vida/savage-love/savage-love-weighty-issues/17834/

The other thing I want to add about this issue is that it's not necessarily just a superficial reaction to her weight gain that is turning you off. Obviously she is insecure and I don't know about the rest of you but I find insecurity a HUGE turnoff- conversely someone with a great attitude and self-confidence can be smoking even if they're not usually your type.

 

[Herodotus]

JW, I will say this one last time: do not nag her, advise her or continue to make an issue out of the weight if you want to make any headway with her on this front.

Take the time to ask her what is wrong. (You used to love exercising and eating healthy food. Now you don't seem to care. Is everything ok?) Be prepared to listen. And for God's sake, make sure that you are in good shape, exercising and eating well, otherwise you're just being a ridiculous hypocrite.

Base your next steps on what she tells you. Do not accept a b.s. answer - make (by repeatedly asking nicely and kindly) her tell you why she has become sedentary and stopped looking after her health. If she doesn't want to do this or take action, then you have to make a decision.

As for the insecurity, that is a much bigger problem and it is something worth concern. It is also something that you will have a more difficult time with. But whatever you do, make sure it is a separate issue from the weight one. Have you always checked out other women and has her reaction always been the same? How do you do it - a quick appreciative glance or ogling? DO NOT make it seem like you check out hot girls because she is out of shape, frumpy or otherwise less attractive!

Good luck.

 

[SexHound]

hey guys
other than that, i'm really confused. i'm upset at the fact that, i cant even raise my eyebrows, let alone look at another women (from tv, to magazine to anything) while she can stare at them, talk shit to me about how such and such girl looks like this and is fake lmao, and she knows she wants to look that way. i dont understand the hatred. is she fooling me or herself? i want her to realize this, and she just simply isnt!

it's okay for her to look at other guys, and i frankly dont mind if a guy is w.o a tee and she looks at me, but if i look at girl wearing a bikini or anything at all, it's a SIN lmao. this 2yr old game, i do not understand.

i wouldnt talk about this here as much or post if i didnt know what to do. i'm attracted to her b.c she really is beautiful but her weight gain is just i dont know what to say. i just dont know how to tell her nicely, you gotta really loose the fat or loose me. man, its to hard lol!
!

That's a big red flag for me and is wrong on several levels. I'll get back to this in a second.

First things first, it seems like her weight gain is a big issue for you and its a pretty big turn off. So if you can't convince her to lose the weight and you can't live with having a girlfriend that's overweight, then its time to breakup. If you let this issue slide then its only going to get worse. She'll know that she has you by the balls and she can walk all over you at will.

Its already started with the not being able to look at other women thing. Is she for real??? And to top that off she's allowed to look at other guys? If you're allowing this and are seriously avoiding looking at other women in her presence, then you've given up your balls to her already.

Seriously a sane, secure woman shouldn't be threatened if you simply look or even stare at attractive women you see on the streets. Its a normal reaction just as women who stare at random hot guys is normal.

And I don't think its shallow at all to be attracted to women who have nice slim, curvy bodies and to want the woman you're with to have such a body. Its hardwired into the male mind to look for such a body type because its all about procreation. Men are wired to look for women with good bodies and good waist to hip ratios etc because women who possess that type of body have a better chance at producing good offspring. I really don't understand why people keep pointing to men being shallow or its all media driven when such things are hardcoded into the male mind.

This is pretty much the same as women being hardcoded to look for a strong, successful man to help take care of their offspring. And this is why old, ugly mofos like Hugh Heifner still get the hot women. Again its mother nature at work.

But getting back to jw01, I'd say there's something wrong with your gf if she thinks looking at other girls is being wrong and being unfaithful. If you've already agreed to this then you're just letting her walk all over you. If the weight gain really bothers you and you don't put your foot down then you're just reaffirming she has all the power and it will only get worse in the future. You really have to stand up to her and speak your mind and if she doesn't change then its time to breakup. Why be with a woman who doesn't give a shit about your thoughts and feelings and who's crazy enough to impose a a rule that's impossible to enforce?

 

[tboy]

I see what you're saying but relationships evolve over time. Circumstances occur, live events happen. If one can't learn to go with these things and deal with them then how are they going to be able to survive in a relationship? He fell in love with her for who she is and part of that is how she looks....yes.. but her looks don't completely define her as a person. And think about it... you think in 10 years from now, she's going to look like she did when he met her? Not completely even if she takes care of herself. People age. This is one of the reasons why TERB exisits. LOL. It's always a double standard. Women are hags if they let themselves go but guys can still consider themselves studs even if they weigh 300 lbs and have guts hanging over their pants.

That is all well and good but we're talking ONE year here...not 10. Sure, people change over time, that's a given but one can face aging head on, and do things to take care of themselves along the way to minimize the effects. It's called "taking care of yourself"....

Now if we're going to get into "shallow"...how many women out there automatically discount guys that are losing their hair? Aren't tall? Aren't GQ handsome?

tboy once again showing his empathy and compassion. You're going to make some lucky girl a great partner... let me guess, you're single?

Yes, physical attraction is important, but it is only one part of a relationship. I stand by my assertion that JW should at least talk to his girlfriend and then see if they are at an impasse.

But hey, tboy is the all-seeing, all-knowing TERB sage, so take what I have to say with a big grain of salt!

Dude, JW already said he has talked to her about it. How many times does he have to listen to her excuses? There's a time for talk and a time for action. Seems like she knows this is a problem for him and she still choses to do nothing about it. IMO all she has to do is something simple: stop eating junk food and exercise more.... WITH him I might add. S It's not like he's saying: you go work out you fat cow while I sit here and watch the hockey game.....he's actively taking a role in her well being and going along to support her and to help her.

Sorry Hero, but if you think sitting around and talking about it is the right thing to do in a relationship, then that's all you'll ever do...talk. If you let them, many women will ONLY ever talk about something and never DO.....Now we're not talking about never talking to her about issues or problems, but when all you do is talk, and nothing ever gets done, then the time for talking is over......

As for her looks completely defining her. Sheesh, why do people put words in my mouth (or in this case, my fingers lol). I never ONCE said that. I said it is ONE third of the 3 facets that define who you are. Each will change over time but hopefully for the better not the worse.

Put it another way: if she suddenly became an overpossessive jealous abuser, should he stick around and put up with it? If not, why does he have to stick around if she suddenly changes dramatically physically?

BTW: the 300 lbs gut on a guy historically has been a sign of properity. It originated back in the day when food was scarce and only the rich could eat well. For the record, not every overweight guy is all proud of himself. There are as many overweight men who are upset by it as there are women.

For the record: if a woman came in here and said she was upset that her guy put on 50 lbs and wouldn't do anything about losing it I'd give her the same advice......

 

[Herodotus]

So tboy, you're saying you are single and always have been! And probably always will be! (Keeding, I keed!)

Women want you to listen to them, not talk at them or solve their problems without asking them first. Until they do! LOL!

My point - if you had bothered to read my posts - is that JW has to sit down with her, talk and actively listen to her and then deal with the issue head-up - not be passive-aggressive and keep hinting and talking at her. That is how she views his actions and words - he is nagging and focussing solely on something physical. That is a big turnoff for women. She wants him to care about her in the holistic sense, not just physically. And she is probably looking for some sort of attention.

Then if and when she is still unresponsive, JW has to issue an ultimatum based on his needs and be strong in his resolve.

Again, we are only going on what he has told us, but that is what I gleaned from his posts.

 

[tboy]

........

Again, we are only going on what he has told us, but that is what I gleaned from his posts.

Well, you do have a point there: we all know there are three sides to every story: his side, her side, and the truth.

 

[The Cunning Linguist]

I once knew this girl who was a real little cutie. She started going out, and then married this guy (who was a real jerk, IMO), and then she gained a lot of weight. Years later I saw her, and she had lost all that weight, as well as the hubbie. I asked her about it, and she told me that her therapist theorized that her gaining the weight was her way of "pushing" the hubbie away....she gained the weight, he started looking elsewhere, she caught him, they broke up because of his infidelities, she gained back her self respect and self esteem (he did turn about to be a real jerk, and an abuser), and she became motivated to lose the weight, and look after health.

I'm just sayin....

I'd still like to know HOW MUCH weight we're talking about here. Because if it's a case where she is verging on morbidly obese (morbid refers to a weight gain which is a threat to her health), then it's not what she's eating, it's what eating (at) her (in an emotional sense).

I'll let you in on a little secret. Women don't look like supermodels or Playboy centerfolds. Women who look like that are probably less than 5% of the population. Just like men don't all look like George Clooney (in a non-homo way, I think George is pretty hot). The women you are comparing her to have personal trainers, personal chefs, and pretty much don't do anything else but look after their appearance (and work). Often their appearance IS their work.

Not to be rude (but to be blunt)....dump her, and let her get on with finding a good guy (the keeper).

 

[timy]

let seee???

maybe the first set of weights she should lose is you (poster who started this thread lol)

 

[fuji]

maybe the first set of weights she should lose is you (poster who started this thread lol)

Might be good for both of them.

These sorts of situations are obviously complex and anyone who thinks there is a simple answer is just leading people on. One way or another you have to provoke her into facing that you are growing unhappy. Whether you do that with kind and guiding words, or whether you do it by telling her you think the relationship is in trouble, or actually moving out, really depends on the relationship you have.

For all you're putting this on her the reality is you are trying to find some excuses to stay too. You are putting up with LOTS of crap that you don't really need to put up with, probably because you figure there is a lot to lose if you told her you like to look at porn and mind her own business.

So really first question is for you: If she became fat would you stay for the companionship? If so you have to be pretty delicate about how you handle this. If not you should just force it to a head.

 

[tboy]

.......


Hehe. I'm betting otherwise. You guys would just tell her she's PMSing and that she's "too emotional", to accept the way things are and shutup bitching.

Well Ms Taylor, you don't know me very well.....and you'd lose that bet

But I ask you this directly: since appearance is "shallow" and shouldn't be a reason to stay with, or break up with, someone...how do you address the question I asked (that everyone avoided). You know, the one about what do you do if she decides she wants to go punk, dye her hair purple and get a celtic cross tattoo on her forehead?

 

[C Dick]

Once you have kids it is different, those decisions are difficult. But if you don't have kids, it is simple, tell her that the fat is a problem, you are not attracted to her, so she can choose right now, either end the relationship, or lose the weight. If she agrees to lose it, set a realistic target - losing 5 pounds or so a month. Once a month she weighs in, if she is over, so is the relationship. If she chooses to go instead, you are better off.

The no time to work out excuse is not valid, you do not have to exercise at all to loose weight, just eat less. It is better to eat well and exercise, but not necessary, if you eat (enough) less, you will lose weight.

 

[tboy]

Good point Mr Dick, that is THE point of watching what you eat, NOT dieting. Dieting is BS in fact. As I said before: figure out how many calories you burn in an average day, and eat below that quantity. Eat healthy foods low in fat, carbs, and sugars and high in protein, omega 3 fatty acids, etc and you'll lose weight without loss of energy.

 

[GOLEAFSGO67]

Alexa

Question for you. Why have you not let yourself gain weight. I mean why not do SP at 200 lbs.

BECAUSE its UNHEALTHY!!!!!!!! And you know a more light weight is desirable. ITS THAT SIMPLE!!!!

This guy is being played with SHE IS VERY INSECURE...ITS CLEAR...AND NOTHING HE CAN DO WILL HELP HER!

LIKE ALCOHOLISM, UNTIL SHE UNDERSTANDS SHE HAS A PROBLEMS AND THEN WANTS TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT, SHE WILL WALLOW IN HER OWN MISERY AND DRAG THE GUY DOWN WITH HER AS HE TRYS TO PROP HER UP!

The propping will get more burdensome as she eats!!!!! Cut your losses man. Its more than weight. Its INSECURITY!!!! She in fact is jealous of your fitness level!! TRUST ME!!!!!!

 

[ooh-ya-more]

Ask her to go walking with you. Start out at a slow relaxed pace. Talk about anything except her weight. Have fun. Nobody likes to be lectured to, no matter how sincere we are. Cook together. Its about finding happy healthful ways to spend time together that BOTH look forward to.

 

[GOLEAFSGO67]

No >>>no>>>no>>>

WHY SHOULD THIS GUY HAVE TO CODDLE HER! "Honey ..you wanna go for a stroll?? ""

NO WAY MAN!

She needs to sweat and get back into shape. She needs to show initiative.
She has to realize its the RIGHT THING TO DO.

Him begging her only feeds into her needy, insecure nature!!!
She loves the attention of the begging.


DO NOT DO IT!!!!!

 

[justhavingfun]

Interesting thread.

Relationships need constant attention. I am not saying that as a bad thing, rather that if people don't work on their relationship, over time, they take each other for granted, or lose interest and they fail. Many men and women allow themselves to change after being with the person for a long time. While not the same issue as appearances, having sex is also an area where couples change over time. How many times have you heard the joke about women not having sex after they get married!? Men have made it into a joke - but frankly it is sad. In reality, it suggests that they start taking their spouse for granted. How many men on Terb joined Terb because their spouses stopped caring to have sex?! The crazy part is their spouses are shocked when they find out - but in reality should they really be surprised!? How many men on Terb would not be here if they had a healthy sex life with their SO? Speaking from personal experience, my SO and I decided to part ways when we realized that we had grown apart and she just was not interested in sex any more. And men, gaining beer bellies, and having a disregard for their looks and personal hygiene. Clearly it goes both ways.

You need to talk to her about it. I agree with the advice that it can't come across about you ... part of the issue is her loss of respect for herself, her looks ... and the other part is your feeling the way you do. The fact that she won't allow you to look at other women may suggest she is insecure about her situation with you and senses your feelings. If you really care about her and think she is the person for you, then I would suggest you both get professional counselling as there is a bigger deep rooted issue than just her putting on weight.