The official joke thread

[Jade4u]

How drunk are you? Official drinking test
This simple five question test will help determine how drunk you really are. Begin by answering each of the five questions below truthfully. Then determine your score based on question answer values provided. Lastly, compare your score to the results for a final answer.

1. Think about your wife. In your mind, is she: (a) the most beautiful woman alive; (b) a beautiful woman; (c) attractive; (d) ugly as sin.

2. Think about your job. In your mind, is it: (a) the best job on the planet; (b) a good job; (c) a decent job; (d) the most annoying job ever.

3. Try walking. What happened? Did you: (a) find it impossible to stand up; (b) fall after standing up; (c) walk fifty feet before falling flat on your face; (d) walk one thousand feet without falling.

4. How did you get to the bar? I got here in: (a) my brand new chauffer-driven limo; (b) a brand new car; (c) a used car; (d) a rented, rusted, and damaged 1950 japanese import.

5. What do you think of your strength? I am: (a) invincible; (b) stronger than anyone in the bar; (c) as strong as the average man; (d) a weak and pathetic being.

Question answer values

For every question answered with an A, add ten points.
For every question answered with a B, add five points.
For every question answered with a C, do not change the score.
For every question answered with a D, subtract five points.
For every question answered with an E, add one hundred points.

Results

For scores ranging from fifty to 135, congratulations. You're over and above the normal drunk. Generally, at least they are able to select a valid option. An e option does not even exist on this test. You should probably check yourself into a hospital for alcohol poisoning.

For scores ranging from thirty-five to fifty, you had ten too many beers. If you plan on driving home, make out a will first--that is, if you can even remember your own name. Lastly, don't even think about standing up.

For scores ranging from fifteen to thirty-five, you have had one too many beers. Don't drive unless you want a higher insurance rate. Standing up will probably result in injury.

For scores ranging from zero to fifteen, you may want to stop drinking now. You have probably had enough beers but don't drive unless you want a ticket. If you choose to ignore the tip to stop drinking, it is not a problem; you probably still have the ability to stand up.

For scores ranging from negative twenty-five to zero, you must just be getting started! I bet you don't even have one beer in you. In terms of driving, you are probably just getting out of the car and are walking to the bar this very moment.

 

[Jade4u]

Female hormones in beer

Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.

 

[Jade4u]

The Beer Prayer​

Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hollowed be thy drink.
I will be drunk,
At home as in the travern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not into incarceration,
But deliver us from hangerovers.
For thine is the beer. he bitter and The lager
Forever and ever,
Barmen.

 

[Jade4u]

WOMEN SIDE
Q: What's the best way to kill a man?
A: Put a naked blonde and a six-pack in front of him.
Then tell him to pick only one.

Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember which end they
need to wipe.

Q: What is the difference between men and women?
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need..
A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Q: How does a man keep his youth?
A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to instruction manuals

 

[Jade4u]

Why don't blondes make good truck drivers?
Give them a good load and it takes them 9 months to deliver!

 

[Jade4u]

The president got off the helicopter in front of the
White House with a baby hog under each arm. The
Marine guard snapped to attention, saluted, and said,
"Nice pigs, sir". The president replied, "These are
not pigs, these are authentic Arkansas Razorback hogs.
I got one for Hillary and I got one for Chelsea."
The Marine again snapped to attention, saluted, and
replied, "Nice trade, sir."

 

[Jade4u]

A blond left her car out in a hail storm. When the storm was over she checked the car
and found out it was covered with small dents. She went to the local garage and
inquired how to fix the problem.The mechanic told her to blow on the tailpipe and
the dents would be removed.She took the car home parked it and proceeded to blow
on the pipe. Another blond came by and inquired what she was doing, she told her
she was blowing on the tailpipe to remove the dents.The other blonde responded,
"That's not going to work unless you roll up the windows!"

 

[Jade4u]

A very depressed man walked into a bar and ordered a
triple scotch whiskey. As the bartender poured him the
drink he remarked, "That's quite a heavy drink. Is
something wrong?"

After quickly downing his drink, the man replied, "I
got home and found my wife in bed with my best friend.

"Wow", exclaimed the bartender, as he poured the man a
second triple scotch. "No wonder you needed such a
stiff drink. This one's on the house." As the man
finished the second scotch, the curious bartender asked
"So, what did you do?"

"Well, I walked over to my wife, looked her straight in
the eye and told her that we were through," the man
continued, "Then, I told her to pack her stuff and to
get the hell out."

"Good for you," said the bartender, "but what about
your best friend?"

"I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye,
and said, 'Bad dog!'"

 

[Jade4u]

Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their
options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker, and one was a homosexual
sex addict.

The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your
vices one more time, you will surely die."

The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again
indulge himself in his vice.

While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they
passed a bar. The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and seeing the lights, could
not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot
of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his
stool, stone cold dead.

His companions, somewhat shaken up, left the bar, realizing how seriously they
must take the doctor's words.

As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still
burning. The homosexual looked at the chain smoker and said, "If you bend over
to pick that up, we're both dead."

 

[Jade4u]

A widower lives with his daughter, a graduate student, in a small university town
in the mid west. The man comes home from work at the same time every day.
One day, upon entering the house, he hears awful racket coming from behind
his daughter's bedroom door. He barges through the door only to see his daughter
on her bed "intimately" involved with a large, studded vibrator.Before he can say a
word, the daughter exclaims: "Look dad, I'm 33 years old, in graduate school, and
all the good guys are married already. For all I know this is the best I'll ever have,
so just leave me alone!" The father leaves her room, scratching his head, closing
the door behind him.A week or so later, the daughter comes home from school,
enters the living room to find her dad sitting on the couch with a beer in one hand
and the vibrator in the other. She says, "Dad, what the hell are you doing???!
"The man says, "Oh, just sitting here, having a beer with my Son-in-law."

 

[Jade4u]

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find
that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the
lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife
decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some
simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me,
reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have
sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time." The husband thinks
this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you
want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you
don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis......fifty times"

 

[Jade4u]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while
he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs
some
olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats
them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls,
sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows
it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy "Did you see what your monkey just
did?"
The guy says "No, what?"
He just ate the cue ball off my pool table--whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything
in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey
ate, then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He
orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While
the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on
the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted.
"Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "No, what?" replies
the guy.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, pulled it out, and
ate it!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats
everything
in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures
everything first.

 

[Jade4u]

A visiting professor at the University of Alabama is giving a seminar
on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How
many people here believe in ghosts?"
About 90 students raise their hands. "Well, that's a good start.
Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've
ever seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raise their hands. "That's really good. I'm really
glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a
ghost?"
About 15 students raise their hands. "That's a great response. Has
anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
Three students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. But let me ask
you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a
ghost?"
One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished.
He takes off glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the
years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have
had sex with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about
your experience."
The redneck student (remember, this is Alabama) replies with a nod
and begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor
says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost."
The student stops mid-aisle and stammers, "Ghost?!? I thought you
said 'goats!'"

 

[Jade4u]

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ....and she's always sound asleep."

 

[Jade4u]

After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant
arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save
their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each
other's throat for some time and felt that this was their last
straw. When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor
jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.

"What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held
his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand,
the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs
within their marriage.

After 5...10...15 minutes of listening to the wife,
the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders,
kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down.
Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless.

He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at
what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband,
"Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"

The husband scratched his head and replied,
"I can have her here every Tuesdays and Thursdays."

 

[Jade4u]

A man met a beautiful girl, and she agreed to spend the night with
him for $500. So, they spent the night together. In the morning before he
left, he told the girl that he did not have any cash with him,
but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling
the payment "Rent for Apartment". On the way to the office, he regretted
what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the
price. So, he sent a check for $250 and enclosed a note:
"Dear Madam:
Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your
apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I
rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:
1. It had never been occupied;
2. There was plenty of heat; and
3. It was small enough to make me cozy and at home. Last night,
however,
I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any
heat, and that it was entirely too large."

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately sent back the
following reply:
"Dear Sir:
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect such a beautiful
apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there
is plenty of it if you know how to turn it on.
Regarding the space,
the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough
furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlord."

 

[Jade4u]

Three Friends an Italian a German and a Greek they decided to bet it's other
100 euros who is going to make their wives scream more from sex.
So they all go home to have sex with their wives so they make them scream.
The next day the meet.

The Italian says, "I made love to my wife for 2 hours and she was screaming
for at least 1 1/2 hours."

The German says, "That's nothing, I start licking my
wife for two hours and she was screaming the whole time and half hour after that."

The Greek says, " That's nothing, I made love to my wife for ten minutes,
I came a couple times I wiped my Dick in the curtain and she still screaming."

 

[Jade4u]

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an
affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes
home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and
holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with
her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband,
"Shut up... you're next!"

 

[Avery]

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive. It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?" He says, "O.K., Get in the car with it."

She says, "Where should I put it to get it warm?" He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there." She says, "But what about the smell?", to which he retorts "Just hold its nose."

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.

 

[Jade4u]

Indian training

Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo
with the other. He says to the waiter, "Want coffee." The waiter says,
"Sure, Chief, coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.
The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo
with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere, then
just walks out.


The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand pulling
another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to
the waiter, "Want coffee." The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still
cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"


The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Training for position in United States
Congress: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to
clean up, disappear for rest of day."